Pieces Together 3
Sleep. I'm not sure that word exists at the moment. He is crying even though I've done everything I can think of. His skin feels warm but I'm not sure if that's a fever or just because he hasn't stopped crying. I don't know what to do. Panic is beginning to build by the second, I haven't seen Cyrene, and Xena still hasn't showed up. I'm sure I'm overreacting but…
I try to bathe him in cool water, but he still seems to be hot. Now he's finally cried himself to sleep, but there is definitely something wrong. I put him in his cradle and begin to pace the bedroom. Maybe I should just walk to the tavern. Cyrene is probably busy, but I'm sure she knows what to do. Looking down at his sleeping form, I watch as he begins to cough and cry all over again. Shit.
Bundling him in my arms, I make the journey to the tavern. The sun is beginning to go down, people are coming in from the fields. They wave, they smile, but my focus is straight ahead as I clutch Cleon to me. Making my way around the tavern, I go in through the back door, startling Cyrene and her staff. She takes one look at me and knows something is wrong.
'What is it?' She comes up to me, grasping me by my arms.
'I don't know, I think he's sick.' She immediately takes the baby out of my panicked arms, pulling the blanket away and examining him. He's coughing, a deep heavy disturbing cough that makes me cringe.
'Oh dear.' She sighs. 'You girls are going to have to handle things tonight.' She informs her staff as she walks off to her room. Sitting him gently on the bed, she completely undresses him.
'He has a fever and this cough is bad. I have some paste I can make to rub on his chest.' She stands back up, walking to me and putting a hand on my shoulder. 'Don't worry, he'll be fine.' She gives me a smile then walks off. Kneeling down next to the bed, I feel the fear seep into my heart. If something happens to him, I don't know that I can handle it. Cyrene comes shuffling back in, a small bundle in her hands.
'I've sent for the healer.' She brushes past me, sitting her things down on the bed next to Cle. 'This should be good enough until he gets here.' Next to her is a small bowl of a dark green substance. Sticking her fingers in, she scoops up a big glob and starts to rub it across his chest. The smell is nearly unbearable.
'What is that?'
'It will help him breathe.' I notice how she avoided answering. Maybe I don't want to know. Cyrene leaves again to go wait for the healer. I take Cle's tiny hand in mine, marveling at how small it is. His breathing is starting to become labored and he hasn't cried for nearly half an hour. I begin to pray to every God I can think of. I don't care if they can do anything or not, they will hear my cries for help.
The next few hours go by so slowly. The healer merely repeats what Cyrene said, not offering any real new information. He does however give me a liquid to drip into his mouth when I can. They both leave, mumbling quietly as they go. Laying down next to Cle, I watch the rise and fall of his chest. Why do I have to do this alone? Cyrene can only do so much, but why is she all I have? Unintentionally my eyes begin to droop, no matter how hard I fight it. I can't stop the sleep that overcomes me.
As my eyes open, I immediately notice Cle isn't on the bed next to me. Flying into a panic I race out of the room, running into Cyrene and nearly knocking her over.
'Relax dear, he's ok.' I only calm a fraction, I need to see my son. 'In the kitchen.' She steps aside to allow me by. I try not to run the short distance, but it's nearly impossible for me to keep my cool. Xena is standing at the table with Cle in a small washbasin. She's gently trying to wash off the paste her mother spread all over his chest. I can't tell if he's breathing, he doesn't seem to be moving either.
'Is he…?' My voice cracks.
'He's fine.' Xena whispers back. I can't move, my feet are stuck to the floor. So many emotions rush through me, but then I hear him start coughing again.
'What do we do?' I ask frantically, coming up to her side. Wrapping him back in a blanket, she holds him up near her shoulder. She finally looks at me, her eyes are red but I don't see any evidence of tears.
'I'm sorry.' A lone tear slides down her cheek. Right now, I can't bring myself to tell her it's not her fault. Since I don't say anything she continues. 'We need to keep him elevated, and I have a better cream for his chest. He'll be ok.' She pats his back lightly as he launches into a coughing fit. The sound breaks my heart.
We both sit at the table, holding a quiet vigil as he lies against Xena's chest. She's whispering in his ear, but I can't hear what she's saying. I'm starting to feel guilty for being angry with her.
'I'm sorry I wasn't here.' She says, as if reading my thoughts. 'When I left, I was thinking that I was just proving everyone right; that I can't think about anyone but myself.' I try to say something, but she shakes her head at me. 'I said I love you, and I meant it. Sometimes I just get scared and it overwhelms me. But the whole time I was gone….' She doesn't want to reveal any more, but swallows hard and continues. 'I thought of you, and Cle the whole time. The fighting didn't make me feel like it used to, alive.'
'Let me hold him, you can go get washed up.' I guess this is my way of accepting her apology. Kissing Cle on the top of his head, she gently hands him over to me. There's a flicker of sadness in her eyes before she covers it with her mask. Silently, she walks out, leaving me to my thoughts once more.
The night is fraught with worry, as Cleon makes no improvement. At some point, Cyrene makes us take an empty room so that we may at least take turns sleeping. I tried to tell her that neither of us will probably get any rest, but she insisted so we complied. There was no reason to argue, a bed is much more comfortable than a chair.
We both sit on the bed, backs against the wall. Xena put a fresh coating of cream on Cle's chest, this kind smelling significantly better than the one Cyrene made. I lean against Xena, my head on her shoulder as she holds Cle in her arms. I've tried to feed him, but each time he only suckles a tiny bit.
'I wasn't really mad at you.' I say at some point near sunrise.
'No, but I was angry at myself.'
'So you didn't have any fun while you were gone?' I raise my eyebrow, skeptically.
'Well, maybe a little.' She grins.
'That's what I thought.' I pull the blanket up over our legs. We've both stripped to our shifts, these being more comfortable than our other clothes. 'He's going to be ok, isn't he?' I ask her softly, hoping to hear something good.
'A lot of babies get sick like this. Some make it and some don't.' That was not in any way reassuring. 'But he will make it, I'll make sure he does.' Coughing interrupts our conversation. At some points, he seems to struggle for breathe, causing my heart to fall into my stomach. But Xena remains calm, using every skill as a healer that she has ever learned.
As morning comes, Xena begins to sing softly. It's a rare thing to hear, so calming and soothing. Even as a new day dawns, Cle hasn't gotten any better. The only consolation is that he hasn't gotten any worse either.
'Is there anything else we can do?'
'No.' Xena nearly sounds defeated at this point. 'We just keep doing this.'
'You girls let me take him for a while. You need to sleep.' Cyrene walks in, looking at us worried. 'You can't help him if you're exhausted.' I want to fight her on this, but she wont let me. 'I'll wake you up if there is any change.' She gently bundles Cle in her arms, walking out the door without another word.
'She's right.' Xena mumbles.
'I know.' We lie down, curling into each other, foreheads touching. I play with her fingers, still fighting off sleep. 'I did need you, I was so scared.' Tears finally start to fall, I've been holding them back, trying not to crack. She kisses my lips softly, fingers caressing my cheek.
'I love you.' She whispers.
'I love you too.'
'I don't know why.'
'Me neither.' I grin.
'Probably because I'm irresistible.' She cocks her eyebrow up, looking full of herself.
'Yeah, well, I don't know about that.'
'Hey, you mean to say you could stay away from this?' She looks at me in mock indignation.
'No probably not.' I giggle for the first time in days. She kisses me again, soft, reassuring. 'I don't think we've had a chance to do this properly.' I mumble against her lips, my breath mingling with hers. Her hand slides across my waist and down to my lower back.
'Hmm, if I wasn't so tired….' She grins, nipping at my bottom lip.
'Definitely going to happen though.' I place little kisses along her jaw.
'Oh, yes.' She pulls me in, teasing her lips against my cheek. 'But now, we sleep.' I tuck my head under her chin, wrapping my arms around her waist. Our legs tangle as we ease into sleep. I'm trying not to think about Cle and living life without him. The thoughts plague me no matter how hard I try to ignore them. I finally fall into a fitful sleep, full of nightmares and pain.