Note: Had bronchitis/pleurisy/asthma. My lung still hurts. Bleh, back to the writing. This is super short.

Pieces 9

I'm sitting at one end of the bed, Cle curled into my chest feeding noisily. Xena is sitting on the edge of the bed, back towards me with shoulders that sag in defeat. She finally took off all her armor and gear, and now sits in just a shift. We've been silent but I have no doubt that both our thoughts have been in constant motion.

'Xena? Can you forgive me?' She's silent but I can see the muscles in her back twitching. 'I would never do it on purpose.' This is cold comfort I'm sure.

'You shouldn't have been there in the first place.' Her voice is low, somehow menacing.

'What did you want me to do? I couldn't fight off all those Roman soldiers with a baby in my arms!' She mumbles something. 'You shouldn't have left.'

'I should be able to leave you alone for five minutes without worrying if you can defend yourself.' She's refusing to turn but her back is straightening in defiance with each word she speaks.

I know she's dealing with guilt and grief in the only way she knows how, but for some reason I can't help but lash out against her. I can't take it, not after everything I've been through.

'Xena, you need to make up your mind. I'm not a warrior, I'm just a bard and a mother and I did the best that I could. Every time I need you, you're gone. Tell me what you want?' I'm pleading in as quiet a voice as possible, trying not to upset the sleeping baby in my arms. Xena's answer is silence and a stiff back. I want to yell and scream at her, but what would that accomplish. We've never really had a chance to settle down and feel like a family anyway.

If it wasn't for Cle, I'd be running out of the room. Instead I just shuffle out quietly, contemplating my escape. Deep in thought as I walk down the hallway, I run into the human wall of Hercules. He looks down at me sternly, as if he can read my thoughts past, present, and future.

'You know she'll run right?' He just gives me a small nod.

'Don't worry, I'll take care of Xena. You just worry about the little one.' He head jerks toward Cle. 'You can sleep with Xena's mother. I've got it all set up.'

'I didn't know Hercules could be so bossy.' I mumble, but smile at him.

'Well I am the son of Zeus.' He smirks, walking away with a slight swagger.

My problem is I care; my problem is I can't pretend it doesn't hurt. I want everything to be ok but there's nothing I can do to fix this; nothing I can say to make her pain a little less. My fear though, is that she can't forgive me for something I couldn't control.

I walk out into the cool night air, and sit, back against a small tree. Cle's eyes look up at me as they slowly drift back closed. An overwhelming feeling of guilt washes over me as I sit here looking at my son. As I watch the person I love descend into the depths of pain; I hope never to understand the loss she feels. Is that selfish of me? Should I be seeking to understand in some little way where she's falling? Xena is not like most people; her grief can lead her back to the darkness that dwells within. She's slowly leaning toward that precipice that she cannot escape.

'Let me take him to bed.' Cyrene's voice is soft but in the silence of the night, she sounds as if she is yelling. No other words are passed between us as she carries her adopted grandchild back into the warmth of the house.

I can't feel sorry for myself; I can't give up on Xena and let her darkness consume her. I will not fail her when she needs me.