Entry #37: Camping Trip [or, "The Banana Spider Fiasco"]

Five minutes later, the three stooges (otherwise known as Steve, Clint, and Loki) were huddled around the fire pit. Tony had gone through four suitcases and two duffle bags he had stashed behind the tents, found no instant coffee, and declared it an emergency.

"Have some tea," Clint offered. Tony was not interested.

"Jarvis!" he shouted into his modified cellular phone.

"Right here, Sir."

"Get me directions to the nearest Walmart!"

Clint coughed to disguise a laugh. "Um, Tony? We're camping. There are no Walmarts in the woods."

Tony flipped open the last suitcase and stepped into it. "I'll be back for breakfast." The entire company of Avengers watched in amazement as the Iron Man suit began to assemble itself around the billionaire.

"You brought that? I thought you had a pocket-sized version!" exclaimed Clint.

"Too unreliable for everyday use," Tony explained casually. "I'm still perfecting it. This, my friend, is the epitome of reliable technology."

The suit had only made it up to Tony's knees when something clinked, and all movement ceased. Clint, Loki, and Steve all stopped and stared, the first snickering loudly, the second smirking behind his pale hand, and the last looking genuinely concerned.

Tony grumbled something foul and waved to Steve. "Hey! I could use some help over here!"

Steve appeared dubious, obviously expecting an onslaught of big words and technicalities he couldn't quite get a handle on, but approached Stark anyway.

Tony shifted slightly, and the metal around his ankles creaked. "I need you to kick the suitcase," he instructed.

Steve blinked. "What?"

"Kick. The. Suitcase."

"That's it?" marveled Steve, aghast.

"YES."

Steve hesitated, and then gave the suitcase a hefty kick. The equipment whirred angrily, and then resumed its normal functions. Within minutes, Tony Stark had made a complete transformation from genius billionaire to the Man of Iron. Now clad in his heavy armor, he stomped to the middle of the clearing and activated his repulsor lifts.

"But Nick Fury said we were all supposed to stay here," Steve reminded him.

"This," Tony said solemnly, "is a Code Red emergency. We're out of coffee."

Steve thought about it for a moment, and then nodded. "I'll man the fort while you're gone," he volunteered. "Try to be back by O-eight-hundred."

Clint rolled his eyes and headed back toward his tent. "You might want to buy a new tent while you're there… You and Steve trashed yours."

"It's not ours," Tony reminded him. "That's the one Phil let us borrow."

"In that case, I'd definitely buy a new one!" And with that, Clint disappeared into his tent.

"Right. I'll be back for lunch."

So saying, Tony took to the skies.

"You think he'll really come back?" Steve asked Clint, not realizing that the archer had left.

Loki shrugged, picking up a bottle of insect repellent and began spraying himself from head to toe. "If he does not, may I transfer to your tent?"

When Tony Stark, the richest man in Manhattan, stomped, clanked, and clomped his way into Walmart, it was as if the world had ceased revolving on its axis. Everybody stopped and turned to gawk at the billionaire. Dead silence fell over the store. Suddenly the peppy background music seemed overloud.

"Would someone please direct me to the camping supplies?" inquired Tony, turning to a shell-shocked Walmart employee.

The man spluttered for a moment, straightened his blue Wal-mart vest, and then nodded. "Right-right this way, S-sir."

"Thank you."

Natasha emerged several minutes after Clint left, to find only Steve, Loki, and Thor sitting by the campfire. "Where's Clint?"

"I don't know," said Steve. "I think he's in his tent. He said something about going fishing."

"What about Bruce and Tony?"

"Bruce is still asleep, I think, and Stark—"

"THE MAN OF IRON HAS GONE TO THE REALM OF WALMART." Thor supplied with a beaming smile. "STEVE CLAIMS HE WILL RETURN WITH THAT CHERISHED MORTAL DRINK, 'COFFEE.'"

"Walmart?"

Steve chucked another log on the fire. "Yup. He decided that a coffee shortage counted as an emergency."

Nat rolled her eyes. "Are his suitcases all in your tent?"

"Yeah, most of 'em. And they all decided to gang up on me in the middle of the night. Why?"

Natasha batted her eyelashes at him and stuffed a hand in her sweater pocket. "No reason." Without another word, she marched past the campfire and headed for Tony and Steve's tent.

The demigod snickered quietly, and then reached for a graham cracker.

Steve narrowed his eyes at Loki, feeling a little out of the loop.

"No, no… something bigger," Tony said dismissively, putting the tent back in its proper place.

The Walmart employee fiddled nervously with his name-tag, and then pointed at a huge box on the very top shelf. "I'm s-sorry, S-sir… that's the largest we have in this s-store."

Tony glanced up at the box, and then back at the employee. "Well, if that's the best you can do, I'll take that and two of those other ones."

"I'll need to get a ladder—"

"That won't be necessary," Tony assured him, activating his repulsor lifts and rocketing toward the ceiling. He snatched the massive box from the shelf and slung it over his metal-clad shoulder. "And now," he continued, lowering himself back to the floor and picking up two smaller boxes, "if you could get me a few of those super-size bags of marshmallows. I'm currently living under the iron fist of a very stingy woman."

"Of-of course!" The shaken employee began to hustle toward the "snacks" aisle, and Tony clanked after him.

"Do you, by any chance, have solar-powered coffee makers?"

The employee stopped, and then glanced nervously over his shoulder at the Iron Man. "Err… solar-powered?"

"Yes."

"N-no, Sir. N-not that I know of…"

"Hrrmph. Well, get me the marshmallows anyway."

"Yes, Sir!" And with that, the employee took to his heels, fairly sprinting down the aisle.

Natasha Romanoff ran helter-skelter back toward the campfire, yelling at Steve, "IT'S GONE! IT'S GONE!"

Steve bolted upright, knocking over his folding chair, and hurried toward Natasha. "What's gone?" he demanded.

"THE SUITCASE!"

Dr. Banner and Clint both came out of their tent, wide-eyed and disgruntled. Clint was the first to confront the situation. "What suitcase?"

Bruce stayed away from the chaos, blinking sleepily at the scene. He was wearing jeans and hiking boots, and a flannel shirt that had obviously been buttoned up in a hurry.

"THE RED SUITCASE! THE ONE WITH ALL THE METAL POCKETS IN IT!"

Clint sighed, obviously chagrined. "You mean his Iron Man suite?"

"…Was that what it was?" Natasha asked, sounding shaken.

"Well, if it was, it's gone now. Why on earth would you need his suitcase?"

Natasha had buried her face in her hands and collapsed in a folding chair, sobbing hysterically.

Steve, Clint, Bruce, Thor, and Loki all looked at each other in shock.

"Umm, Nat?" Clint put a hand on her shoulder. "Do you wanna tell us what's going on here?"

Nat stopped crying just long enough to say two words: "Mister Fuzzwell!"

Loki smirked, Steve did a facepalm, Thor looked baffled, and Bruce just stood to one side, silently observing the goings-on.

Clint groaned in despair, suddenly going pale. "Oh nooooo… Why did you bring that thing along?"

Natasha sniffled, wiping away another tear. "Because!" she exclaimed. "Nobody would babysit him for me… And I didn't want him to be lonely."

Steve raised an eyebrow. "I think a better question is, how did he end up in Tony's suitcase?"

Nat unzipped her jacket and withdrew Mr. Fuzzwell's tiny wire mesh cage. "It broke," she said pitifully. "I had to put him somewhere while I fixed it…"

"And now Mr. Stark has a Phoneutria Arachnida trapped in his Iron Man suit," Bruce finished slowly, putting his hands in his pockets.

"Alright," Clint said firmly, looking like a man who was pronouncing a death sentence. "Who wants to call Tony?"

"NOT ME!" was the resounding cry.

Loki looked up with a smirk. "I would cherish the opportunity."

I simply couldn't resist!

Review, and I promise I won't make you wait as long as last time... *shameface*

~Alassiel