Chapter 13: Shifts II: Egoist
The Uke Flu
Chapter Thirteen: Shifts II
While Hiroki was wrestling with his thoughts out in the front room, in the bedroom, meanwhile, Nowaki was lying on their futon, one arm thrown over his face the other draped across his abdomen as he ruminated.
He had spent the first few minutes he was away from Hiro-san apologizing to the baby for getting so upset. Nowaki didn't want the poor sprout to experience in its gestation, him talking to his/her other father that way or to expose the fetus to the energy of that kind of anger.
Nowaki wondered if many women found themselves having problems with their anger flaring when they were pregnant or if this was a guy thing.
There was a nurse that worked on his floor that he chatted with from time to time he knew was expecting. He was curious if there was some indirect way he could ask her about her situation without revealing himself or seeming too familiar. Maybe he would ask Dr. Suzuki when he saw him on Tuesday. Nowaki was sure the man could answer this question for him and maybe even recommend some good texts on the subject of male pregnancy.
He really had wanted to be reasonable, but Hiro-san's accusation of infidelity cut him to the core.
Despite how voracious and adventurous he might seem at times within his sexual relationship with Hiro-san, Hiro-san had been his first and only. Hiro-san solely, stirred the embers of his passions and ignited him.
Nowaki blushed remembering that he had once kissed another boy at the orphanage. Actually, the boy had been a few years older than he and had really forced the kiss on him. It still bothered him to think of this now. He wished he had been able to save all of his firsts for Hiro-san.
Thinking about how he had presented things in the other room, Nowaki realized he was foolish not to have expected such a response from his partner. Hiro-san was just so insecure sometimes. Not to mention because of his upbringing, while he was contemporary in many ways, he was still more traditional in some aspects of his thinking. Nowaki had thought this was one reason perhaps why he and Hiro-san hadn't "switched it up" more. And since Hiro-san took the role of seme so infrequently, it was only natural that he might jump to such a terrible conclusion.
Nowaki found himself feeling sad that after almost nine years together, there was some part of his partner that remained inexplicably broken in a way that his unwavering love just couldn't fix.
In a way, Nowaki considered, it was actually very sweet that Hiro-san had been so jealous of who the "father" was. And Nowaki recalled distinctly his partner's threat to annihilate the supposed planter of seed, while not at all mentioning any comparable punishment for him, the apparently adulterous partner.
This was proof in itself to Nowaki that Hiro-san hadn't truly held him guilty of any wrongdoing.
Still, it was troubling to Nowaki that Hiro-san, who was to him the epitome of masculinity, didn't seem to think that he could be the father.
Nowaki also admitted, somewhat abashedly, that the older man was justified to an extent in being upset with him for not being more forthcoming about what had been going on. He had always admired Hiro-san's ability to be emotional, to even shed tears occasionally.
This was something he'd always held back from himself, with the exception of his occasionally shameful bursts of anger, like the time he'd grabbed Myagi… or when he had hit another boy in gradeschool.
Even if he had not been trying consciously to keep his condition from Hiro-san, he certainly had been guilty of trying to conceal the facts of all his various complaints when he should have been more open.
After all, isn't that why we are going to counseling, to have a more open relationship and to communicate with each other more successfully?
Nowaki suddenly felt convicted that he hadn't really been following through on his part of things, while poor Hiro-san had been trying so hard to change: going to counseling and anger management when he obviously hated it, helping around the house more, not reading at the table.
How am I ever going to be a good parent, when I can't even be a good partner?
Nowaki sighed.
Maybe it would be better if I gave Hiro-san some space. I could probably stay with Tsumori-senpai.
A faint smile tugged at Nowaki's lips. It was just so crazy that Hiro-san thought his senpai liked him. Tsumori was just a good friend. One who had told him repeatedly that his door was always open and Nowaki was welcome to join him if he ever got tired of dealing with his bag-throwing boyfriend and needed a break.
Nowaki sat up and rubbed the back of his neck.
Even if I don't end up going to Tsumori's it is a probably a good idea to leave now. After all, if Hiro-san decides it's best for me to go because he doesn't want to deal with our… the baby… it wouldn't hurt for me to start getting used to being on my own again.
Nowaki drug himself up from the bed, went to the closet, pulled a small duffel bag from the top shelf, and began sticking some of his clothes in it. As he did this, he realized with embarrassment that Hiro-san had been right; someone really had needed to do laundry.
As he was frowning over this, Nowaki was pulled from his thoughts by a soft knock on the door.
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