Chapter 16: Conversations: Egoist, Tsumori

The Uke Flu

Chapter 16: Conversations

After the tumult and glory of their Saturday, Sunday found the newly expecting couple navigating things somewhat awkwardly: each man treating the other with a certain measure of caution.

Throughout the day, their quiet dis-ease had been punctuated by brief moments of serious conversation, the discussions evolving as both men continued to process the significance of their new situation.

During one of these talks, they decided not to tell Hiroki's parents about the pregnancy until after Nowaki had gotten past the first trimester and the greatest risk for miscarriage passed. By then, Nowaki thought he would feel secure about how his condition was progressing.

Given how excited Hiroki's mother was bound to be with the news of her much-longed for and previously impossible grandchild, they did not want to risk disappointing her if there was a complication. Nowaki's physician's side was very pragmatic about this.

The couple had planned to visit the senior Kamijou home around that time anyway to discuss the details of their upcoming ceremony with Hiroki's mother. It was likely to be a tense time, Hiroki's father still refused to acknowledge his son and Nowaki, and the news of the baby would bring a happy diversion, at least to the lady Kamijou.

They also agreed that with the seemingly unique nature of their circumstances, the attention that Nowaki's semuke status would be sure to generate and the questions it would raise, that they would keep their Kamijou/Kusama Flu baby under wraps until it became obvious.

This decision was also determined in part, because Nowaki still hoped that he might be able to secure a new position before anyone knew about his predicament.

The Flu had wreaked havoc with the workforce in Japan. No legislation had been passed to cover or protect the rights of Flu victims who chose to carry to term. How such a matter was dealt with had been left to the discretion of individual companies. As a result, many men who contracted the flu and had their babies suddenly found themselves highly discriminated against or suddenly relieved of their jobs.

Nowaki hoped, if he played his cards right, since it should be sometime until the baby was visible, he might be able to secure one of his prospective job offers and then take a leave from the hospital before starting his new position. That way he could stay home once his condition was noticeable and have his baby in relative privacy, starting his new appointment after the child was born without anyone knowing.

Fortunately, he had always been frugal and so he could do this without having to become financially dependent on Hiro-san for those months. While he did feel a little dishonest about trying to hide his new condition from his prospective employers, at the same time, Nowaki was still committed to the idea that he wanted provide Hiro-san with a life where, eventually, he wouldn't have to work unless he wanted to.

As the day wore on, Nowaki began feeling tired and ill again. The late afternoon found him resting on the couch. He would have better liked being in the bedroom with Hiro-san stretched out beside him. However, instead, he'd refrained from any expression of neediness and was giving the older man his space.

He was being mindful of Hiroki, because the professor was doing what he always did after a particularly open or intimate time between them: Hiro-san had barricaded himself behind his books against the pursuant feelings of vulnerability that followed such encounters.

Hiroki on the other hand, had retreated because he was trying to temper his responses to Nowaki and not be overbearing or overprotective.

Since the reprieve his partner experienced from feeling unwell on Saturday had ended and Nowaki was obviously suffering again Hiroki was feeling particularly guilty. He peered over his book at Nowaki sleeping fitfully on the sofa, worried that perhaps all of the previous day's "make up" encores had overtaxed his poor doctor.

Hiroki's eyes widened as Nowaki suddenly sat up.

Without a word Nowaki made haste to the bathroom.

Hiroki heard the water in the sink turn on again. He frowned and pushed up from where he'd been reading at the kitchen table. Without knocking he walked into the bathroom.

Nowaki was on his knees trying to quietly retch into the toilet.

Hiroki picked up a washcloth and wet it before turning the water in the sink off. He stepped silently over to Nowaki and placed a hand on the man's back, rubbing it in awkward circles. After a few more heaves, Nowaki looked up at him; his eyes were filled with embarrassment.

Hiroki shifted his gaze, avoiding the uncomfortable expression, and wiped his giant's pale, sweating face with the cloth. After a few clumsy swipes, he handed the washcloth to Nowaki to finish cleaning his face. Hiroki wondered how long this kind of thing was going to go on. He hid this concern for his partner by gruffing, "Nowaki, if you keep turning the water on every time you get sick our water bill is going to go through the roof."

Nowaki offered Hiroki an apologetic smile. A shudder wracked his lean frame. As another wave of nausea washed over him, his smile left him.

"Hiro-san, what if I get too sick to work or people figure it out? I have been in the Flu ward at the hospital a couple times and I have heard talk from the few doctors who will work there. This process can really devastate an uke at first. Remember what it did to Misaki-san?"

It was hard for Nowaki to imagine what would happen if he lost his place at the hospital, if his plan didn't work and his other prospects found out he was compromised.

Hiroki tried to dismiss Nowaki's concern with a snort, though he was very worried about how ill his usually robust partner seemed to be.

"Well, you have already said you're not an uke. You're a semuke, Nowaki, so I am sure you'll weather things far more easily."

Nowaki, feeling as he was, wasn't convinced of this.

It was even harder for him to express his next words. He had struggled so hard to keep pace with Hiro-san; to show he was a worthy match; to try and become equal: what he was about to say was his deepest and most powerful fear.

"Hiro-san… but what if I don't? What if I have to leave the hospital and no one will hire me after? What if… What if I can't take care of you?"

Thinking back on their earlier conversations, Hiroki had been quite touched by his lover's dedication to his ideals, but he didn't want Nowaki to feel any more pressure right now than he already did. With his salary from the University and the additional funds from the sale of his book, (not to mention the money his mother still insisted on sending him) he made more than enough to support the two of them and, since Nowaki had been insistent on paying the mortgage for their apartment, he had managed to save up a considerable sum in the time they had been together.

"Idiot," Hiroki chided Nowaki for once again articulating he wanted to support him completely. "I can take care of myself. And if you think I plan to stay home with our brat all day, while you're off playing doctor, you have another thing coming.

"They really value you at the hospital here, Nowaki. I am sure they would be understanding of your situation and would be happy to have you on despite the circumstances. I'm sure they'd keep you too, if you don't end up taking one of those other positions.

"Besides, we've just moved. I don't know that we want to relocate again so soon, which we'd have to do with any of those other jobs."

"You'll still be working. You'll need to because we'll be getting a nanny. Neither of us is going to stop our careers because of a baby."

Hiroki's voice then became conspiratorial in tone. "Also, Nowaki, I actually like teaching... Most of the time anyway, when the students aren't being too stupid. And just imagine what kind of ass I'd be to you and our brat if I didn't have the daily outlet of students to unleash my fury on."

Nowaki lowered his head not wanting to show his emotion at Hiroki's attempts to comfort him. His chest suddenly hitched and he began heaving again, though his stomach was empty.

When the spasms subsided, Nowaki folded his arm over the bowl and rested his head on the back of the toilet seat. This made his voice slightly muffled. "Hiro-san, you shouldn't call our baby a brat. It can hear you. Do you want to give it a complex before it's even born?"

Hiroki felt a sudden pang of conviction. He tried to push this aside by becoming hard. "Nowaki, do you think you're done puking for a while? I have papers to grade."

"I think I'm okay now, Hiro-san, but even if I'm not done, you should still go grade your papers. I'm perfectly okay to get sick on my own. I mean, I've been doing this for a few weeks now after all."

It pained Hiroki to be reminded of how long Nowaki had been feeling ill without him being aware. Even more distressing was how gratefully Nowaki had looked at him for the limited comfort he'd been providing.

"Fine." Hiroki hated himself for being such an emotional coward. "Don't forget to brush your teeth, I might want to kiss you later," he growled as he left the bathroom.

As he stepped into the hall, he heard Nowaki's weary voice echo off the porcelain, "Hiro-san, you are too cute."

Once seated back at their dining room table, Hiroki traded his book for his students' papers. However, he found that he was having difficulty concentrating on his grading as long as Nowaki was still in the bathroom. He was sorely tempted just to give everyone a "C" and be done with it, knowing that half of them, to his mind, didn't even deserve that.

His stomach was aching again today as it had the day before during their fight. He wondered, if this was only the second day into his knowledge of this whole process, how he was ever going to get through the next several months, not to mention the next eighteen years, without major ulcers.

Eventually, however, Nowaki emerged. The man crawled back onto the couch and gave a sigh of relief. He rested for a few minutes and then opened his eyes and fixed his devastating blue gaze on Hiroki.

The older man turned away quickly not wanting Nowaki to know that he'd been watching him the whole time.

"You can kiss me now if you want to, Hiro-san. I'm minty-fresh now," Nowaki offered. He shot Hiroki a tired but still-goofy smile.

Hiroki blushed. "Shut up, Dumb ass, and take a nap, you have to start getting ready for work in an hour."

Then he added in a voice a little less rough, "Hey you there, inside Nowaki… Just so you know, when I said 'dumb ass,' I was talking to your father, not you. So don't get uptight."

He stared down at his papers feeling his face grow even hotter; he did not even need to look at Nowaki: he could feel the idiot beaming at him from across the room.

Later, when it was finally time for Nowaki to leave the sanctuary of the apartment, Hiroki found he could not refrain from his tendency towards overkill.

He couldn't help but criticize Nowaki's lunch, when he saw the doctor had packed only rice and an individual-sized carton of soy milk.

"Nowaki, that's not enough for you to eat and it's not very healthy." He'd offered to pack Nowaki's lunch, but the younger man had declined him, opting to do it himself.

"But it's what I want to eat, Hiro-san, and I had a big lunch."

"I think there was little of that lunch you didn't leave as an offering on the porcelain altar this afternoon, Nowaki." Hiroki began rummaging around in the fridge, pulling things out and adding them to Nowaki's lunch box.

"Hiro-san," Nowaki sighed in exasperation, taking some of the items out of the box and handing them back. "I can take care of myself. I'm not a child."

"No, but you're having one, Nowaki, and I don't want it to starve because its father is an idiot!" Hiroki shot back, returning the items to Nowaki's box.

Once the lunch battle concluded, Hiroki only allowed Nowaki out of the apartment after making the man promise about fifteen times that he would leave work immediately if he started feeling sick again. He also made Nowaki take an extra sweater and an umbrella in case the weather should change on between the station and the hospital.

Now at the hospital putting his things in his locker, Nowaki was surprised he had made it to work.

It wasn't that he was feeling so terribly ill now; it was all of Hiro-san's fussing that had posed the greatest challenge. Remembering their parting exchanges the young doctor sighed.

Normally, Nowaki was thrilled with any attention paid to him by Hiro-san. He also recognized that Hiro-san was worried about him and still adjusting to the whole pregnancy thing, but he wasn't sure if he could handle months of his partner being that attentive. It was a little oppressive.

Suddenly Nowaki was struck by a terrible thought. Is that how I make Hiro-san feel sometimes? He frowned, not really wanting to consider this possibility.

Just then Tsumori came in. "What's up, Nowaki?"

"Oh, nothing, Senpai, I was just thinking." Nowaki shook his head slightly trying to dislodge the offending thought.

"How many times have I told you, Nowaki, you don't need to call me 'senpai' anymore?"

"Only, pretty much every time I've called you that over the last year and a half," Nowaki offered with a strained smile.

"Having boyfriend problems again?" Tsumori's eyes gleamed with curiosity.

"Why would you ask that, Senpai?" Nowaki found he wasn't comfortable using his colleague's name, even after all the time they'd worked together. He knew too that being more formal with Tsumori would have pleased Hiro-san.

"Because other than when we're dealing with an emergency, the only time I ever see you frown is when you're having issues with that fireball of yours."

Tsumori sidled up to Nowaki and leaned against the lockers next to him. The blond crossed his arms over his chest and studied his kohai intently. "I'm a little worried about you, Nowaki; you haven't really been acting like yourself for a while now.

"Honestly, is everything okay?" Tsumori looked truly concerned.

"Umm, everything's fine," Nowaki lied. He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Hiro-san just hasn't been feeling too well lately, so we're both not getting as much sleep as usual. That's all."

"Well, you better just pray he doesn't have the Uke Flu." Tsumori grimaced. "I know you love kids, Nowaki, but the last thing you want to do is to get tied down like that with that temper. Honestly, I don't know how you have endured as long as you have. I can't stand to be with someone normally for more than a month even.

"You did say though that he was taking the vaccine right? Did Kamijou get it?"

Nowaki did not like it when his senpai spoke so irreverently of Hiro-san and Tsumori's words stung him deeply. He was sorry that he had confided in the man during his conflict with Hiro-san about the vaccine. He also wanted to address Tsumori's rudeness, but he was in no mood to bicker with his friend tonight. "Yes, he got the vaccine."

"Did he show you the certificate?"

"Certificate?"

"Yeah, they're issuing them with the vaccine now. A lot of semes are demanding to see them nowadays before they will hook up, because they don't want to get saddled with some uke's baby. I guess some companies want to see these too, if they know a worker's orientation."

"Since when did you become such an expert on yaoi etiquette, Senpai?" Nowaki asked curiously.

Tsumori uncharacteristically blushed and pushed himself up off of the lockers. "I read it somewhere recently."

"Look, I'll catch you at lunch, Nowaki. I need to go get started on my rounds."

Nowaki watched Tsumori walk out, perplexed. Perhaps the pregnancy had heightened his previously almost nonexistent semuke gaydar, because for the first time since Nowaki had known him, Tsumori had suddenly blipped.

Nowaki quickly put this startling possibility to the side however, once he began his own rounds.

He was amazed, as always, by how beautiful and brave each of his small charges was. Nowaki was pleased to note that several of his patients had improved since he last saw them, and saddened to see that two of the children's conditions had become significantly more serious. While he was always moved by the challenges and privileges of working in the children's ward, tonight, faced with the knowledge now of the new life that he carried, Nowaki saw everything magnified a thousand-fold.

He'd often considered the parents of his young patients and could not imagine how he would feel or what he would do if it was it was his own child in the hospital. Suddenly, though, tonight he could, and the enormity of this overwhelmed him.

Nowaki was not a religious man, but faced with this powerful realization, he found himself unexpectedly offering a prayer to whatever God(s) might be out there, that his and Hiro-san's child would be healthy.

Thank you all my Lovelies for your kind words and reviews.