"Sirius…please, be careful. This is all acting, right? No violence?"

"'Course not, Dromeda!" He grinned

"Okay then...ready?"

"Am I ever!"

"Then lets go." I stepped back as Sirius and Snape took center stage. I had a very, very bad feeling about this.

[SNAPE]

Sirius Black at last,

We see each other plain

`M'sieur le Mayor,'

You basterd.

You'll wear a different chain!

The chain of Azkaban!

[Sirius]

Before you say another word, Snivellus!

Before you chain me up like a slave again

In that awful hell-hole of a prison

Listen to me! There is something I must do.

It is rather important, actually. It is about love. Not that YOU would know about that…

"I have loved! I have loved greater and deeper than you, you filthy dog, could ever imagine! I have loved truly; how dare you contradict that?"

"You call that lust you have for my BEST FRIENDS wife love? You dirty death-eater!"

"MY LOVE FOR LILY IS AS PURE AS THE SNOW!"

"Very original, you - "

"Guys, guys, stop it! Please!" I yelled, rolling my eyes with thinly veiled frustration.

This woman leaves behind a suffering child.

His name is Harry!

"And he is as arrogant and dumb as his father…"

There is none but me who can intercede,

I have the motorcycle; I must get Harry to the Dursleys…er…Thenardiers.

In Mercy's name, three days are all I need.

Well, less actually. This motorcycle is magic, you see.

Then I'll return, I pledge my word.

Then I'll return...

[SNAPE]

You must think me mad!

When in reality YOU are the mad one!

I've hunted you across the years

Ever since you escaped, I've been watching for you…I knew you'd surface eventually.

A man like you can never change

Exactly, you will always be a grimy, arrogant, toe-rag.

"Oh yeah? Well, YOU will always be a slimy, hook-nosed, skeevy GIT who - ."

"YOU will always be a disloyal - "

" A slimeball who takes pleasure in - "

"CAN BOTH OF YOU PLEASE GO ON WITH THE FUCKING SONG?" I hollered, exasperated. Snape glared at me, but took up his position again. Ron gave a snicker that he only half managed to hide.

A man such as you.

Yeah, a git.

[SIRIUS(in counterpoint)]

Believe of me what you will

I'll always be better than you

There is a duty that I'm sworn to do

I must save Harry…Cosette!

You know nothing of my life

For I never did no wrong

"No, that was ME. I never did no wrong."

"Whoops; sorry Lily."

All I did was steal some bread

I was falsely accused!

You know nothing of the world

You would sooner see me dead

All you care about is petty revenge!

"All I care about is petty revenge? Look who's talking!"

But not before I see this justice

done

I am warning you Snape!

I'm a stronger man by far

I can turn into a dog. How cool is that?

There is power in me yet

I am like, so powerful.

My race is not yet run

I am warning you Snape

There is nothing I won't dare

For you a slimy death eater who betrayed us

If I have to kill you here

I would love to. Can I?

"NO"

I'll do what must be done!

[JAVERT(in counterpoint)]

Men like me can never change

I will always be better than you.

Men like you can never change

You will always be a moron

No,

24601

My duty's to the law -lawr - you have no

Rights

None at all, for you broke out of Azkaban, and you deserve the dementors kiss!

"Ooh, I've got dementors! Want to borrow a few?" Voldemort cut in.

"Yes!" Snape said, at the same time I yelled

"No!"

"Come on. It'll be fun."

"You won't let him, will you, Meda?

"Of course not. Now, get on with the song."

Come with me Sirius Black

To the ministry to turn you in

Now the wheel has turned around

Remember how you used to bully me? I'll have my revenge!

Sirius black is nothing now

Dare you talk to me of crime

For I have done awful things, too, actually.

And the price you had to pay

Was so not enough.

Every man is born in sin

Like me, actually.

Every man must choose his way.

And I chose rightly, and you did not!

You know nothing of Snape

I was born in a horrible place

I was born with scum like you

I am from the gutter too!

That's true, you know. I had a very miserable childhood.

" NOW I GET TO HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH A CHAIR!" Yelled Sirius advancing towards us with a chair in his hands.

"NOOOOOO"

"YEEEEEEESSSSSSS!"

"HELP!" Snape cried, as Sirius threw the chair at him.

"DON'T - " I started, but it was to late. Snape raised i=his wand and with a slashing motion, exploded the chair, which combusted with a bang flames shooting from the sodden heap of charred wood.

"Hey! Expelliarmus!"

"HAHAHA You missed me. I am the fucking LAWR! Crucio!

"Missed me! Getting old, aren't we, Snapey?"

"Cruicio you bastard! You mangey cur!"

"No stop!" I yelled, as they began firing curses at each other. "Get back!" I cried, making large sweeping motions to the cast; herding them off the stage and into the wings, where they were crowded in awe, watching the wizards duel.

"A duel? How wonderful, at last some excitement! Can I join?" Inquired Bellatrix, her lips curling in what could be either a grin or a smirk. "After all, I do need to dispose of Sirius...and Snape really is getting on my nerves...So can I?"

"Absolutely not." I snarled at my sister. "No way. This is bad enough - we;ll never get through Act One in time now."

"But - " She protested, but I cut over her.

" No dueling, and I mean it. It's in your contact, okay? Go...run lines with - hey, where did your master go?"

"Oh, I don't know." She said, smiling at me teeth glistened in the light from the dueling wizards wands.

"Oh yes you do, Bellatrix. Where is he?" God could this cast get any more dysfunctional? Clearly, the answer was yes.

"I WILL DESTROY HARRY POTTER!" Came a loud voice from the wings. "WHILE YOU ARE ALL DISTRACTED WITH THE DUEL, I WILL KILL HIM ONCE AND FAR ALL."

We all fell silent. Snape and Sirius lowered their wands. Ginny looked up from her book. Fred turned around, his hands full of puking pastilles. (Wait, what? Was I about to be Umbridged?)

" Oh crap." Voldemort said under his breath. He lowered the wand that was pointed at Harry's back. "This won't work now, will it?" Harry shook his head.

"Sorry dude. Another time. kay?"

The dark lord pocketed his wand and slouched back to the corner, muttering about "stupid character flaws that make it impossible to do anything."

"Okay. Well. Everybody okay? Snape? Sirius? Both alive? No more dueling, okay? Lets go on, if we can. There's still a chance we'll all make it out alive. "

[Valjean breaks a chair and threatens Javert with the broken piece.

"See, you don't HIT him, or CURSE him. You THREATEN him with the broken chair pieces."

"I like my version..."

"Me too...I'll get you later, 'padfoot'."

Turns to Fantine]

[VALJEAN]

[to Fantine] And this I swear to you tonight

I will try and save Harry from a horrible life.

[JAVERT]

[to Valjean] There is no place for you to hide

If you hide at Hogwarts, I will always find you.

[VALJEAN]

Your child will live within my care

Err...I hope. Well, no. Not really.

[JAVERT]

Wherever you may hide away

I will find you, and hunt you, and kill you!

[VALJEAN]

And I will raise her to the light.

Well, about that...

[VALJEAN AND JAVERT]

I swear to you, I will be there!

"Can I knock him out?"

"NO"

"But the stage directions say.."

"I don't care; we've had enough drama tonight. Everybody, take 5, and be prepared for Castle On A Cloud."

...

AN - If anybody cares, I have edited all the previous chapters; corrected grammatical errors and the such. I am sorry for my long absence, I have been in a very hard place recently and have not had the strength to try my hand again at comedy. But I am back, and shall see where this story takes us. Much love to you all. 3