The Uke Flu

Chapter Twenty-Five: The Bench

Hiroki left the apartment and realized he now had several hours to kill before Nowaki and his appointment that afternoon with the idiot Kobayashi. He'd arranged to take the entire day off from his classes, not knowing how Nowaki's morning appointment would go. Hiroki stuck his hands down deeper into his pockets and lowered his head as he walked angrily, towards…

Shit… only Kami-sama knows where.

He cursed himself furiously. Secretly, since he'd known that Nowaki needed to sleep for as much of the day as possible, he had nurtured a secret vision of Nowaki and him sharing a rare afternoon nap together, drifting off decadently in the daylight in each others' arms.

Yeah, didn't quite work out the way you planned, did it? Hiroki kicked at a loose scrap of paper that had the audacity to tumble its way into his path on the sidewalk.

Well, that's what you get, Kamijou, for allowing yourself to wax so stupidly sentimental, not to mention for being such an insensitive ass.

Hiroki had gone only a few blocks when he turned on his phone for the first time to see if Nowaki had tried to call or text. Of course he hadn't really expected his partner to contact him so soon. Nowaki had been pissed at him and rightly so, though it pained Hiroki to admit this. Still, in the past, Nowaki had always been quick to try and rectify any falling out they had, whether he was at fault (which was rarely) or not.

Of course Hiroki knew that he could always try and contact Nowaki himself, but he rationalized that the younger man had probably already fallen asleep and it would be inconsiderate to wake him for something as mundane as an apology. Even as he thought this Hiroki knew it was his embarrassment at the thought of being the first one to hold out the olive branch that really kept him from calling.

The display screen on his cell showed a number of calls had come in, but Hiroki didn't recognize most of them. In fact, the only number he knew was Miyagi's and that one he planned to ignore.

Hiroki was annoyed now that he'd opted to take the whole day off, since this meant he'd planned himself out of the chaotic but comforting sanctuary of his office. There was no way he could show up this afternoon without a bunch of intrusive personal questions being asked by Miyagi and he was definitely not in the mood right now to put up with any of the older man's mischief.

He supposed he could go and sit at Pandasan, but the idea of occupying a table alone unnerved him. Right now it would only remind him of the time Nowaki had been off in America and he'd been left behind, alone.

Also, though he was not normally superstitious, Hiroki worried that finding himself sitting solo might portend his not so distant future…

If I don't fix the fucking mess I've created. Besides, their quarrel had left him with absolutely no appetite and the thought of loitering where others were cheerfully dining only made his stomach more sour.

So, instead, Hiroki found himself following a familiar trajectory leading to one of the many used bookstores he frequented. Here he walked around the stacks of tomes, gradually soothed by the smell of old knowledge. Twice in the hour he was there Hiroki checked his phone again:

Still no Nowaki.

Hiroki didn't realize how truly distressed he was feeling until he walked out of the store without having purchased a single book. Usually when he was upset he bought texts in excess.

Out of habit, however, Hiroki kept up that pattern for the next few hours, meandering from shop to shop. The merchants, who recognized him by sight and were delighted at the unspoken promise of at least one purchase, were equally disconcerted when at each place he eventually left empty-handed. More than one concerned shop keeper asked if he was feeling unwell.

Walking mindlessly after he left the last shop, Hiroki hopped on the train that would take him to the district where their counselor had his office, though there was still plenty of time before he needed to be there.

Hiroki noted as he wandered that he was feeling ill, but not for any physical reason.

Well, okay, there is that knot on the back of my head where I hit it when I "tripped" at the clinic this morning.

Oh, just admit it. Hiroki chided himself. You fucking fainted. Who wouldn't? I mean, come on…

TWINS…

He was so lost in thought, he didn't immediately notice when he got off at the wrong stop. The train's doors had already closed when Hiroki at last comprehended this.

He looked at his phone again, this being by now at least the fiftieth time that afternoon, telling himself it was just because he wanted to ascertain the hour.

Then why are you checking your incoming calls? The small voice in the back of his mind that had been nagging him all afternoon piped in. He promptly told it to shut up and then decided he had enough time to walk, so he headed away from the platform. As he traveled, Hiroki wondered with twins, if that meant twice the hormones. Then realized it really didn't matter. Whatever Nowaki was going through, it had to be a hell of a lot right now.

More than anything he should be there to love and support his partner.

That's what Nowaki would be doing if, god forbid, I was the one who was pregnant. Hiroki looked up from his dazed ramblings and was startled to discover that somehow, his feet had unconsciously taken him through the park and had led him, to "The Bench."

Hiroki stood there just looking at it for a moment. A few passersby shot him strange looks, wondering what it was about a simple seat that could cause the man to be contemplating it so studiously. After another minute or two, Hiroki sat down on "The Bench" carefully, listening to the soft creak of the wooden planks as they adjusted to his weight.

Almost nine years ago now, this was where fate struck in the form of a plastic rocket. Almost nine years ago, this was the place where a determined young idiot had literally grabbed his hand and pulled him up off the path he'd been determined to travel, one that would have ultimately otherwise led to his destruction.

Hiroki had never told Nowaki that he'd been contemplating suicide as he'd sat there the day that they'd met. This was one of those "little' secrets he kept from his lover.

Prior to meeting Nowaki, life had become so painful it hurt just to breathe. Hiroki had been sure at the time that death was preferable to living the rest of his life with the memory of the humiliation he'd just experienced in his disastrous attempt at seducing Akihiko. He had believed he could no longer bear the weight of his injured pride or his unarticulated and unrequited love.

Then Nowaki appeared, his presence like oxygen, reviving his lungs, so long weighted from inhaling the smoke of all his smoldering failures. Hiroki smiled slightly recalling how in their early days, Nowaki had managed, somehow, to so tenaciously love/annoy him back from the brink.

Then, a little more than five months ago, it was on this same bench that Nowaki had asked Hiroki to marry him for the fifth time and he had finally accepted.

The persistence of that brat of mine…

Nowaki had asked him once on their balcony when they had been watching fireworks; once at the beach; once when they were out together for dinner on Valentine's day ( the romantic sap); and once when they were taking a bath together (He had almost drowned Nowaki that time.)

Okay, not really… but I wanted to.

But as far as Hiroki was concerned, for him, this bench was the most romantic place on earth and when the question of if they would ever get married came up in a quiet, unostentous conversation, as they had sat there together in the chill of that winter afternoon, the gentle request in Nowaki's query had been the most perfect of all his proposals.

Hiroki could still remember clearly how happy Nowaki had been. He'd been surprised to find that when he'd accepted he felt a strange and tremendous relief and more than a bit happy himself.

As soon as he'd agreed, his idiot giant had all but overwhelmed him. Nowaki had kept trying to pick him up and carry him as they hurried home to "celebrate." He must have told at least twenty people along the way, to Hiroki's unending embarrassment, that they were getting married. But Hiroki had been willing to set aside his insecurities that afternoon and allowed himself to be swept up in his lover's joy.

And my own.

In the end, they never even made it home that day. Nowaki had pulled them into a hotel halfway through their journey and they had spent the rest of that afternoon and the entire night, reveling in each other's bodies and in their new agreement. They had fucked and loved so hard that the next morning when he had first tried to stand, he'd collapsed, and that day Nowaki did have to almost piggyback him home.

Remembering this, Hiroki thought about why he had been so reluctant to agree to commit to Nowaki before.

Every time Nowaki asked prior to that day on "The Bench," and he'd refused, Hiroki had waited for his lover to leave him, to rage at him for being stupid to pass up what was obviously the best offer he'd ever have, to dismiss the purest and greatest love he'd ever known, but Nowaki never did.

Instead he would just get quiet, drop his head for a moment, as if this prevented Hiroki from seeing his eyes, those marvelous blue pools filled with equal measures of pain and love. When Nowaki did finally look up again, his face would only reveal that heartbreaking smile of his and he would gently tell Hiroki he understood.

Hiroki often wondered how that could be, because he hadn't been able to really understand it himself. He'd known he loved Nowaki and had no desire or intention of spending his life with anyone else. While he wasn't exactly the greatest proponent of marriage, he wasn't opposed to the institution of it either. It wasn't until after he finally accepted that Hiroki had understood why he kept rejecting Nowaki's proposals: it was because, at a very deep level, he didn't feel he was worthy of them.

And now today, he'd just proven that unworthiness yet again.

Hiroki sighed. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and flipped it open. He took a deep breath, swallowed against the bitter taste of his pride, and hit the speed dial for Nowaki's phone.

OLD AN

Hey all, can't thank you enough for all the reviews and comments, they totally make my day! Hope this new chapter pleases. Love to hear from you one way or the other. I plan to put up at least two more chapters over the weekend.

Cheers!

Cerberus