Written as part of my personal glomp fest for omi_ohmy (omi-omi) and oakstone730, one for linking the article that put the thought in my head (hehehe cauldron bottoms) and the other for thinking my idea was a good one (lord pity you)
Title: For The Department of Wizarding Standards
Author: eidheann (eidheann_writes)
Summary: It's time for the Decennial Survey of All British Wizarding Standards. Heroes included.
Word Count: ~350
Rating: P for painful. er, I mean, PG-ish for implication? Totally not smutty.
Warnings: A fluffy, silly, dialogue-fic filled with Draco!logic. Oh, and it's unbeta'd.
Disclaimer: They're not mine. They belong to someone else. This is for fun not profit, etc.
"Er, yes?"
"Good morning, Potter."
"Malfoy? What are you-"
"I'm here on behalf of the Undersecretary to the Secretary to the Department of Wizarding Standards."
"What? You work for Percy?"
"He is the Undersecretary to the Secretary to the Department of Wizarding Standards, yes. Do keep up."
"Alright..."
"It's time for the Decennial Survey of All British Wizarding Standards."
"The what?"
"The Decennial Survey of All British Wizarding Standards. I don't remember you being quite this slow in school."
"Malfoy!"
"What?"
"It's six in the fucking morning. Why are you ringing my bell at six in the morning?"
"I told you, I'm here on behalf of the Undersec-"
"Yes I got that part. Why are you here?"
"I need to do a survey."
"A survey on what?"
"Heroes."
"What?!"
"Heroes, Potter. Hmm... I should be taking notes on this. Apparently heroes are unable to do more than repeat what they are told until after... well, sometime after six-fifteen, at least."
"Give me that!"
"Hey! That's my quill! Well. That wasn't very nice."
"WHAT?!"
"I'm here on behalf-"
"You said that thirty minutes ago when you rang the first time."
"Yes, well, I had reason to believe you would need it repeated again."
"Malfoy... Why are you back?"
"I need to do a survey."
"But you left."
"I needed a new quill. You stole my last one."
"You're not going to go away, are you?"
"I told you, I need to do a survey."
"Oh heroes, yes you said. What does that even mean?"
"Do you really want to do this out here?"
"I'm not going to ask you into my house!"
"Surprising, but if you insist..."
"Oh my god! What are you doing?"
"I am trying to take a... hold still!"
"Get that measuring tape away from me!"
"We need standardized standards, Potter! How else do you think we get them?"
"Of my arse?!"
"Of course! The last time we got data was ten years ago. You were practically pre-pubescent."
"Oh god, come in, come in."
"Thank you."
"Why do you need to measure my arse?"
"We need measurements to use to create the British Wizarding Hero Standard."
"But why my arse?"
"I need your cock, too."