Thanks for reviewing! So here's the second chapter. Hope you like it! ;)
(Thomas' Point of View)
The days passed by and Christmas moved unstoppably closer and closer. It didn't only mean stress. For Thomas it was the most wonderful time of the year. The snow that covered the world outside with a soft white layer let everything appear so light, quiet and peaceful while hectic pace and chaos controlled life inside. But a cheerful spirit filled the air. Everyone was excited about the event of the year and even the hard work could not spoil their good mood.
And again a year has passed by.
Every time Thomas was surprised how fast it went by. Again a year drew to a close. A year full of experiences, good or bad ones.
Let's hope that the next year brings something better.
Every Christmas Thomas had only one wish: That the next year would fulfil his desire for company, love and the feeling of security. And at the end of every year he found himself in the same situation still with this burning desire in his heart.
Accept it. You don't deserve it and you'll never get it. So stop being sentimental.
Thomas nodded to himself.
True words.
Enough of lamenting now! Enjoy the feast! You don't want to rain one their parade, do you?
But he couldn't get rid of the feeling that something else was disturbing the jaunty atmosphere. But however hard he tried he couldn't figure it out.
He just noticed one thing. One thing that made him feel sad and puzzled.
Jimmy avoided him. They hadn't talked to each other for some days except "Good morning", "How are you" and "Goodnight". That made Thomas think. Why did Jimmy suddenly avoid him? What had happened?
Did I do anything wrong? Did I say something that offended him? Have I been too…close?
He couldn't get rid of the thought that it was his fault. He had to talk to Jimmy immediately! The problem was that he had to wait for the right moment which hadn't come by yet. They were too busy. Every time he thought he could talk to Jimmy in privacy for at least a few minutes something cropped up. Whether Carson had some extra work for at least one of them or someone else disturbed them; there always seemed to be a reason to keep him from talking properly to Jimmy. But he really had to know what the matter was! This insecurity made him feel uneasy. He wondered if he could bear this any longer.
Finally, one evening there occurred a chance. They had just finished dinner and one after the other began to retire. Thomas waited for the time he finally would be alone with Jimmy but it didn't come to that.
Jimmy felt Thomas' glances lying on him. But he tried hard not to show any reaction. Finally he stood up.
"I think I'll go to bed, too. I'm dead tired."
"Goodnight, Jimmy!" Ivy gave him a big smile.
If she only would realize that he's not interested! Thomas thought angrily.
But he's neither interested in you, you bloody idiot!
"See you tomorrow." For Thomas' big – and for that matter very awkward – surprise Jimmy returned the smile.
What was that?! Just one more reason to talk to him as soon as possible. Properly talk.
Ivy slightly blushed at the unexpected attention Jimmy gave her.
Thomas shot a killing gaze across the table towards her but she didn't even notice him.
That was when he suddenly became aware of how jealous he was.
You're behaving like you own Jimmy! But you don't! He isn't like you! He's your friend, but that doesn't mean that you can forbid him to talk to other people!
This thought hit him like a slap in the face.
He's talking to others but not to me. Not anymore.
Jimmy left the servant's hall end went to the kitchen. Thomas followed him.
That's your chance! Don't screw it up!
Jimmy put down his cup. He turned round to go but Thomas stood right in front of him in the door and bared his way. Jimmy glanced at him in a not very friendly way and pushed himself past him. But Thomas grabbed his arm.
"We have to talk, Jimmy" he whispered decidedly.
"Get off me!" Jimmy hissed furiously. He snatched his arm out of Thomas grip and turned to go. When he realized that Thomas was following him upstairs he abruptly turned around.
"Weren't you listening?" he snapped. "I don't bloody want to talk to you, get it? So leave me alone!"
"Jimmy, wait…!" Thomas started but was cut short by Jimmy storming up the stairs.
A few seconds later he heard a door slam.
"Bugger!" he mumbled angrily and hit himself with his fist against his forehead.
You're a bloody fool to believe he's any different from the others!
Thomas stood on the landing, confused and hurt.
I thought we're friends. At least we were…
"Mr Barrow?" His name being called dragged him out of his thoughts. He turned round to see Mrs Hughes standing at the edge of the staircase.
"Yes, Mrs Hughes?"
"Is everything all right with you? You were very silent during the dinner and if I may dare the remark, you're looking quite pale." Honest concern spoke from her eyes.
"I'm fine" Thomas answered a bit too quickly. To sound more convincingly he added hastily, "It' nothing, Mrs Hughes, really. No need to worry. I'm just a bit tired. But so are we all, aren't we?" The last sentence he said in what he hoped was a jokey tone.
Mrs Hughes nodded. "But you tell me if there's something. You know you can always come to me."
Thomas tried to smile. "Certainly. Thank you, Mrs Hughes."
"Goodnight then, Mr Barrow."
"Goodnight, Mrs Hughes."
The housekeeper vanished down the corridor to the servant's hall.
Thomas sighed with relief. With suddenly shaking legs he made his way up the stairs.
He was completely confused. He wanted to understand Jimmy, he really did, but he could not as long as his friend refused to tell him what the matter was.
Your friend.
Their friendship meant so much to Thomas. He would do everything to save it. He did not want to lose Jimmy as his friend.
Your only friend.
Thomas' face darkened at this thought. But it was true. Jimmy was the only real friend he had. Of course some of the others were nice to him, too. Especially Anna. She seemed to overlook his earlier mistakes and she didn't mind that he was who he was. She knew that he actually wasn't a bad man. He had just hidden his true personality behind a mask all the time.
Maybe you shouldn't have let it brake down.
But…would he have made friends with Jimmy then? Well, their friendship had come about under strange condition. But what would have happened if the…incident never happened? If he never let himself get carried away into stealing that kiss?
You know O'Brien. You should have known better!
Thomas grimaced into the darkness of his room.
A bit too much conjunctive.
He shook his head. There was no use in thinking about what could have happened. He had to confront himself with the present and face the truth.
But which truth?
He really had to find out what was bothering Jimmy. What led him into avoiding him.
Well, this won't be easy as he doesn't speak with you.
Bugger! Thomas felt terribly helpless. The ignorance really got to him, but what could he do?
If it's something I said? Then it most likely won't be clever to force him to talking to me. But I'm only worrying about him!
Thomas stood at the window looking out at snow-covered estate.
All white. Just like your thoughts.
He had no idea what was going on with Jimmy.
If I only could read minds!
Be careful with what you wish, Thomas!
In front of his window the snowflakes swirled in the approaching night. It was so quiet and peaceful out there. Just in total contrast to the chaos inside of him.
#
(Jimmy's Point of View)
Jimmy slumped himself on his bed. What did Thomas want from him? Why was he following him all the time? Why did he always have to be right there where Jimmy was? On the other hand…Didn't he want just that? That Thomas was near him?
Feeling anger rising inside his chest he pressed a pillow over his face.
Why does everything ever have to be so complicated?
The problem was that Jimmy didn't want to think about it. He'd rather ban these thoughts from his mind. But they were here and he couldn't do anything against it. He couldn't get rid of the feeling that something had changed. But he did not want that something changed between him and Thomas! It was good as it was right now. They were friends and he wanted this to remain.
Why are you pushing him away, then?
Jimmy frowned at the pillow.
Shut up! he scolded himself.
He had to work out what was going on inside of him.
But this will only work if you think about it. Without losing your temper.
If it only was as easy as it sounded like! But his inner voice was right. He had to make up his mind about how he stood to Thomas. What he felt for him.
What's that for a stupid question?! Friendship! Nothing more!
That wouldn't come to anything. He just couldn't think straight of anything. And he really didn't want to lose Thomas as a friend. He liked him despite everything that had happened. The past didn't count anymore.
Nevertheless, he thought much more about that night recently. When Thomas came into his room and…
Argh! Not that again! You should stop that immediately!
Jimmy bit his lip until he tasted blood. The pain numbed his thoughts for a while, but they returned.
Would you have reacted the same way if Alfred hadn't walked in that night?
Of course! It was a criminal offence what he did!
Suddenly Jimmy felt ashamed for his thoughts.
No. It may be against the law but he didn't want to hurt you. He was just…
Yes, what? Jimmy hardly dared to think this thought to an end. He couldn't say why. There was nothing bad in it and he knew about it now for quite some time. He never thought much about it.
He was just in love.
No.
He is in love. Don't forget that. He still loves you even if he tries to hide it. He doesn't want to bother you with that because he knows how you would react. He doesn't want to risk your friendship. It just means too much to him.
Jimmy threw the pillow against the wall and gritted his teeth. Since when did he start to think about such things?! He sighed and tried to calm himself down. That wouldn't lead to anything. He never would figure out a solution by constantly losing his temper.
Suddenly he realized how cold it was in his room. He stood up and went over to the window. For a while he just stood there watching the snowflakes flying lightly and untroubled through the air.
They have no worries. They're just beautiful.
A lonely snowflake lost its way and touched the window. Jimmy looked at the fragile construction. It was just so frail and beautiful. For a short moment he lost himself totally in this sight. Suddenly he realized that he was wondering what Thomas was doing right now.
How will he think of you now? After you pushed him away so harshly…
I would understand if he's angry.
But there was something different in Thomas' eyes when he stopped him on the staircase just minutes ago.
There wasn't just sadness but also...
Pain. That's what I saw in his eyes.
What am I doing here, for Heaven's sake?! I don't want to hurt him! I'm just not sure about my feelings towards him…
So they have changed.
Jimmy turned away from the window. He lowered his head and looked at the dark deals under his feet. He didn't know what to think. What to feel. He was so terribly churned up inside.
Somehow he felt badly.
Try to think of something else. Tomorrow everything will look different.
Jimmy snorted.
Hopefully.