Sorry for the late update. But since school started again some days ago I'm quite busy. Nevertheless, I hope you like this one! ;) Maybe it's a bit too dramatic but I felt like writing it that way ;). I apologize for any grammar mistakes.
(Thomas' point of view)
Jimmy doesn't look like he slept much last night, Thomas thought when the young footman sat down at the table in the servant's hall for breakfast the next morning.
As if I slept any better.
In fact Thomas had laid wake half the night. This was one of the reasons for his bad mood today. He sat at the table staring into his cup of tea. He couldn't eat anything, he felt sick at the only thought of it. The collywobbles didn't grow any better at the sight of Jimmy.
Today I have to talk to him!
Thomas really intended to do this. He knew that it wouldn't be easy to get Jimmy into a conversation between just the two of them for only a few minutes, but then, did he have any choice?
After the breakfast Thomas took him aside.
Now or never.
"What's the matter, Jimmy? Why do you keep avoiding me?" Thomas asked. He whispered but his voice was sharp.
"Nothing's the matter!" Jimmy still tried to get out of it.
"Don't lie to me! I'm not blind Jimmy! I can see that something's wrong. Is it me? Did I say anything…"
"No. It's not because of you."
"What's it then?"
"It's nothing! When will you ever learn that?!"
"You can't make a fool of me, Jimmy. And you won't convince me." Thomas took a step towards him.
"Leave me alone!" Jimmy protested, but he lowered his eyes to the floor.
"Not until you told me what's going on with you." Thomas' voice was more insistent now. He really had to control himself not to shout.
"I've got work to do" was all Jimmy answered. He turned round, his eyes still glued to the ground and went hastily towards the kitchen.
Thomas looked after him, uncomprehendingly. What was going on with him? His behaviour wasn't normal at all! Suddenly he felt helplessness rise inside him. Helplessness and sadness. He felt horribly useless. How should he help if Jimmy didn't tell him what the matter was?
Maybe he does not want your help. Maybe it's time to face the truth and to accept that he doesn't want to be your friend any longer.
Thomas narrowed his eyes to the ground. He could hardly bear this thought. It hurt so much. He almost felt physical pain thinking about it. Abruptly he turned around and went outside in the courtyard. It was freezing cold and the wind was fierce but he didn't mind. The cigarette burning between his shaking fingers deafened the pain for the time being. At least it engulfed it into an opaque cloud of smoke so that Thomas could escape it for a while and didn't have to look into its face.
But you'll have to, eventually.
Bugger! Why had life always to be so rude and unfair to him? He had had to go through a lot of things yet. Wasn't that more than enough? Well, he hadn't always been an honourable man but he did change! Why did he have to suffer again?
Others are in a much worse situation than you are. So don't always complain, his inner voice said.
But some are in a better one, another one replied. It was the voice of the old Thomas.
Feverishly he tried to think of something else.
Christmas.
A good topic. There would be much work to do on Christmas Eve. But honestly Thomas welcomed the work with open arms. In this way he wouldn't be constantly thinking about Jimmy.
Great, now you're thinking about him as well.
Thomas had to admit it. Jimmy controlled his thoughts.
But it was always like that, wasn't it? What's worse now?
You know it exactly!
Actually he shouldn't be so shocked and upset about the whole thing. Jimmy didn't feel like him und this would never change. Maybe he just couldn't cope with their friendship. And it had always seemed he could…
Thomas sighed. He realized that his breath was shaking.
He had known it right from the beginning that it was impossible. There won't be anything between him and Jimmy. Never.
Thomas threw the cigarette butt on the ground and extinguished it. He took a last deep breath and went back into the house.
#
(Jimmy's point of view)
"What does Mr Barrow want from you all the time, he?" Alfred looked at him curiously.
"What do you mean?" Jimmy replied as innocent as possible.
"Well, he always tries to talk to you, isn't he? It seems to me like there's something he wants to tell you."
"I'm fine. I don't know what that could be you're talking about." Jimmy tried hard to sound disinterested.
But Alfred didn't give up. "Do you really believe I'm not noticing it?" he urged. "That you're avoiding him?" He leaned closer to Jimmy. "Did he…"
"For God's sake, Alfred! Shut up!" Jimmy had to pull himself together not to lose his temper.
"Okay, okay, I just wanted…" Alfred's apologise was cut off by Jimmy's furious hiss. "I said shut up! Is that so difficult to understand?"
"What're you doing, boys?" That was Mrs Patmore's voice. Jimmy thanked her silently for her intervention. "It's enough with fuss for today. And now hurry up! Or do you suppose Lord Grantham prefers his dinner to be eaten cold?"
"Would be a nice change" Jimmy murmured in a crabby voice. His mood changed from bad to worse in only a few seconds.
New record, I suppose.
"I didn't hear that, James!" The cook placed a plate filled with meat onto Jimmy's tray. "And now off you go!"
With a dark expression on his face Jimmy took the tray and rushed out of the room.
"What's the matter with Jimmy today?" he heard Ivy ask.
That's none of your business! So keep your damn nose out of my affairs!
He barely noticeable shook his head. Things really had to look bad for him when he bawled at Ivy in his mind for just asking a – most likely well-meant – question.
But sometimes Alfred can be really annoying and stupid!
Jimmy stared straight ahead grimly while he followed the other footman to the dining room.
But that's no excuse and it doesn't change your situation.
Great, and what do you suppose I should do?
You have to talk to him! You can't escape that forever. You have to tell him eventually so why not now?
But am I really sure of it? If I say something now and I'm not sure yet then I could give him false hope and I don't want him to…
Make up your mind, Jimmy!
"James!"
Jimmy looked up, alarmed. He had been totally lost in thought and therefore didn't notice that he'd thrown the meat in Lady Violet's lap.
"Oh, I'm very sorry my Lady, I was just…"
"Never mind. No need to fuss." The old Lady Grantham folded her napkin. Jimmy hurriedly cleaned up the traces of the little accident. When he was just about to leave the dining room, Carson, who had watched it all, shot him a furious look.
"I'm sorry, Mr Carson, I was lost in thought."
"Yes, I noticed that" the butler snapped back acidly. "It seems that you are 'lost in thought' very often. I do not want this to happen again one more time, is that understood?"
"Very good, Mr Carson" Jimmy replied sheepishly.
"Alfred will serve as first footman for the rest of the evening and you will follow him as second."
Jimmy nodded silently and vanished.
Can it even get worse than this?
Jimmy returned to the kitchen and slumped into a chair, tired and in an awful bad mood. Ivy came up to him immediately.
"You alright, Jimmy? You're not looking quite happy" she stated.
As Jimmy refused to answer Daisy interfered. "Don't you see that he doesn't want to talk to you? You better come on and help me with the soufflé."
Jimmy glanced up at her and smiled gratefully.
Thank you, Daisy.
#
After the dinner had finished and also the servants had eaten their supper Jimmy helped in the kitchen. He didn't want to go to bed yet for he knew he would just lay wake on his bed, thinking. A bit of work would distract him from it for at least one hour. While he was putting some plates into one of the cupboards he whispered to Daisy, "Thanks again for earlier. You were my resort."
"Never mind" Daisy said with a shy smile. "Ivy can jolly much be obtrusive."
Jimmy smiled. And for the first time this day it was an honestly friendly smile. "Indeed."
He looked at Daisy. "I owe you something."
"Thanks." The assistant cook returned the smile. After a moment of silence she asked, "Can I ask you something, Jimmy?"
"Certainly. Whatever you want." Jimmy's mood had brightened up a little.
"Do you know what the matter with Thomas is? He seems so strange lately. He's always so cold and quiet and never answers when you ask him something."
Interesting. At least she doesn't think you are behaving strangely.
Jimmy looked at her in surprise until he remembered that Daisy had been used to call the under-butler by his first name. He shrugged.
"Thomas? Don't know what's wrong with him. He doesn't talk to me either."
Watch out what you're saying, Jimmy!
"Do you think we have to worry? Maybe he's ill?"
"No, I don't think so. I mean, you know him much better than I do but I think this whole Christmas fuss is absorbing him. But we all feel the same, don't we?"
Daisy nodded in response. "You're bloody well right. Mrs Patmore is even more commanding than usual."
Jimmy grinned at her. Her worry for Thomas was due to the fact that she liked him very much in earlier times as she had told him once.
Well, to put it bluntly she totally fell for him. She really had a crush on him.
Somehow understandable. I mean he does look quite handsome…
Jimmy's breath caught. He was startled about himself.
Oh. My. God! I didn't seriously think that, did I?
Well, it jolly well looks like I did.
Jimmy shook his head to get rid of this – admittedly terrifying – thought. That couldn't be true! Since when did he rate Thomas' appearance?
"Is something the matter, Jimmy?" Daisy carefully touched his arm. She looked at him in concern.
"No. No, nothing's the matter" Jimmy lied quickly to reassure her. "I think I'm getting tired."
"You really should go to bed. You're looking quite pale right now."
"A good advice. See you tomorrow then, Daisy."
"Goodnight!"
Jimmy left the kitchen with large steps. For a second he stood in the corridor thinking about going out into the courtyard to catch a bit of fresh air but then decided he wouldn't.
Better not. It's too likely that I meet Thomas outside.
Finally he made his way upstairs to the servant's quarters.
#
(Thomas' point of view)
Thomas froze. Did Jimmy really say that just now?
No, you must have misheard.
But the words echoed in his head.
'Thomas? Don't know what's wrong with him. He doesn't talk to me either.'
Did Jimmy put the blame on him? Thomas couldn't believe that. That could not be true! It just couldn't! Jimmy wouldn't say such things!
Well, he has done it, though, hasn't he?
Thomas hung his head. He felt tears prickle in his eyes. He made desperate efforts to suppress them.
No, not now! Not here!
He took a deep breath and tried to calm down. But that was easier said than done. He nervously glanced around before he left his spot next to the kitchen door and hurried outside. He had wanted to go into the kitchen to see if there was anything to be done but then he suddenly had heard Jimmy speak and had stopped. Well, and then…
He leaned against the cool wall in the courtyard. The wind messed up his hair and Thomas shivered. But the coldness did him good. It let him calm down a little. For a few moments he just stood there and stared at the dawn. Then he suddenly felt the tears again and this time he didn't even try to fight them. Silently they flowed down his cheeks. It felt like they would immediately freeze into icy pearls in the chilly air. Thomas felt his knees turning to jelly. He could hardly stand straight and finally he let himself, totally abandoned to his fate, slide down along the wall. The snow was smooth but cold and before long his clothes were all wet. But he didn't mind. He scarcely recognized it. He rocked back and forth like a little child while he cried. Quiet sobs escaped his chest. It was only good that no one saw him here. He felt his heart racing at full speed and the tears didn't want to dry. Thomas gave free rein to them. He allowed the pain to completely take possession of himself.
Why does he do that? Why?!
It wasn't much Jimmy had said and every other day Thomas would just have ignored it. But not today. Not today for Jimmy had been pretending that Thomas didn't exist for almost a week now. It just hurt. The fact that their friendship didn't mean anything to Jimmy anymore hurt so badly.
If he doesn't want my company anymore he should just say it right into my face! But not this way!
Thomas embraced his chest to warm himself up a little but more likely to not completely lose the grip on himself and sobbed quietly. This couldn't be true! He couldn't believe it. He didn't want to believe it!
#
(Jimmy's point of view)
Jimmy stood at the window and looked down into the courtyard. This evening it didn't snow but the snow of the last days glistened pale white. It illuminated the night also without any moonlight. Jimmy raised his eyes to the sky. It was dark. Tonight it was new moon and all the stars were hidden by thick grey clouds.
This weather suits your grotty mood.
While he was standing at the open window in the cold breeze he suddenly heard something. A quiet sound which seemed to come from the courtyard. First Jimmy barely noticed it but when he concentrated on it the whatever-it-was grew clearer. He leaned a bit out of the window to see if there was someone down in the courtyard. In fact, he could see the dark contour of a huddled figure.
Who's that? And what does he do there?
Jimmy looked closer. The figure had dark hair and….
Oh no. Thomas!
What does he do out there so late in the night?
Then there was this sound again. It sounded like…
He's crying? That can't be true! He can't be crying!
Jimmy seemed to be frozen in the place. It took some time before he could shake off the shock and was finally able to move. He stepped back, his eyes still glued to the sight outside the window. There was no doubt. The figure down in the courtyard was Thomas. And obviously…
With a sudden jerk Jimmy closed the window.
That's all your fault! He must have heard what you said in the kitchen! You bloody git! You have to better watch out what you're saying!
Restless and unsettled Jimmy paced up and down the room. Going to sleep was totally out of the question. He had to do something. He felt guilty.
I didn't mean to hurt Thomas! I couldn't know he was listening! And I didn't say anything bad though!
'Thomas? Don't know what's wrong with him. He doesn't talk to me either.'
Jimmy hit his forehead with his flat hand.
You are the one who does not talk to him! Not the other way round!
What the hell did you do, Jimmy?!
He had to put things straight that immediately. But how? He couldn't just go out and try to comfort Thomas. No, that wasn't possible at all.
He'll ignore you. Tomorrow as well. You can prepare yourself for that.
Feverishly Jimmy searched his mind for a suitable solution. Eventually he took a deep breath. There was only one opportunity.
You have to talk to him. You have to tell him how you feel.
This thought sent cold shivers up and down Jimmy's spine. He still didn't know exactly how to deal with his changed feelings.
You must accept it. There's no alternative. Besides…It would make you both happy, wouldn't it?
But what if…what if he hasn't feelings for me anymore? What if he's sad because of something else?
Jimmy shook his head forcefully.
No, if that's the case he wouldn't cry. He's much too proud for that.
He had no choice. He had to confess Thomas his true feelings for him.
Above all, what's so bad with that? He's man, okay. And it's against the law but…
Could law forbid love?
No, that's not happening because we want it to but by coincidence.
Coincidence.
Really?
Jimmy dropped his body onto the bed and buried his face in his hands. Why did everything always have to be so complicated?
He sighed.
Yes, it can get worse.