I would like to congratulate those of you who caught the Abe thing. Good job. This is how I think it would be for Olena. Now that Dimitri is getting older we will start seeing things from his perspective and Olena will move to the background so I wanted this ch to give you a really big view of the struggles Olena would be going through. Also, you will see why Abe is involved over the next few chapters.

I don't own VA.

Chapter 6 Losing My Mind

After being in the hospital for several days I came home to a quiet empty house. When I got there the abusive scene instantly replayed in my head. I heard myself screaming.

I realized then that in my confusion I had yelled out Abe's name. I don't know why, maybe because he was the person I needed. No wonder the drunken bastard was so pissed I was yelling out another mans name. Twisted laughter bubbled up at the thought. I can't believe I did that. I guess that explains why he beat me so badly.

Abe and I have been getting really close lately. He would never have done anything like that to me. I can only think that I was so scared that I didn't know what I was saying. Abe has been so supportive he is like a brother to me. He just had his own child just a few months ago. He is completely in love with Janine.

I know he would have saved me though, had he been here. He would not have let that jerk do that to me. I stood there for a few minutes and started to laugh. The kind of laugh that people would think I'm losing my mind. I laughed so hard it hurt my broken ribs. Part of me wished that I would have had the presents of mind to see his face as I screamed another man's name.

It's a good thing that the children were out with mama right now. I wouldn't want anyone to see my insane little breakdown. As I stood there going into hysterics my laughter turned to sobbing. I crumpled to the floor and sobbed for a long time. I think its time they take me away in a little white straight jacket. Wow! I really need to get my shit together.

After sitting there, for what felt like forever, on the floor I shook myself and decided that he wasn't going to drive me to the brink of insanity. My mind is so messed up I can't even think straight anymore. I wondered to myself what Abe will think when I tell him what happened. I doubt he will think it's as funny as I did. I guess I will have to apologize to him.

Sitting here staring off into nothingness made me realize that I am not quite right in the head these days. I don't know what's happening to me. I'm so depressed. The feelings of extreme sadness, hopeless, and emptyness weigh down my chest. Sometimes I feel so anxious. Everyday things have lost all pleasure. Even holding my new born child doesn't bring me happiness. Food does not even sound good anymore and I think I'm losing more weight than should be. I can't sleep because the nightmares are relentless. I wake up terrified in cold sweats and when I am awake my mind can't concentrate.

On top of all of that I am so paranoid, jumpy and tense. Hearing a man shout at someone a few days ago made me have a flashback and all I could see is his angry face. My body reacts like he is standing there in front of me. I want to scream and run, but to where, I just don't know. I can hardly stand being with my children. Guilt rages in me when I look into their innocent little faces. Seeing the closed off dull look in my beautiful boy's eyes absolutely kills me.

There have even been thoughts of suicide. How sick is that, could I possibly follow through with something so horrible. Shaking my head, realizing I'm still on the floor, I forced myself to get up. I need to get help. Otherwise someone will get hurt, probably me.

I called my doctor to set up an appointment with her to talk about what is going on. Maybe she will know. On the phone, after explaining all that is running through my mind, she told me it's called postpartum depression and she thinks I have PTSD. That's short for post traumatic stress disorder. I have heard of both so when she said I needed to get psychological help I decided to listen.

2 days later

"Hello, My name is Olena Belikov, I'm here for an appointment with Dr. Nikitin" I said to the lady behind the desk. She looked up to me and smiled then looked back at her appointment schedule.

"Yes, just have a seat Ms. Belikov, the doctor will be with you shortly." She said with a polite tone.

I sat there my nerves were standing on end. My hands were sweating and shaking. How was I going to spill my guts in there to this doctor? I have only told a few people what has been happening to me for the past five years. Even though it feels like it has happened to me my whole life. I don't tell people about it, so how do I do it now.

I looked up as my name was called. My heart jumped in my chest slamming into my ribcage. It was beating so hard that it hurt and it was making me feel short of breath. I started to panic, standing up and picking my feet up felt like they weighed 2 tons. The nurse who called my name rushed to my side. Obviously she saw the panic in my eyes; it wasn't like I was trying to hide it. She whispered to me trying to calm me down.

She guided me to the first room in the hallway and to a chair. My knees buckled as I got to the chair literally making me fall into it. The nurse watched me for a moment, but then she rushed out. In only seconds the doctor entered. She was an older lady, to my relief she was a Moroi. I hadn't even given any thought to the doctor being human or vampire. That alone tells me how out of it I have been. I took a deep breath to calm myself.

"Hello, Ms. Belikov, My name is Dr. Nikitin, it's a pleasure to meet you." She said with a very calming voice. I just nodded my head. Suddenly my throat and mouth seemed to be very dry. I tried to swallow and lick my lips, but it felt like cotton. The doctor seemed to notice this and handed me a small bottle of water from a mini frig next to her desk. I gratefully took a drink.

"Thank you." I said barely above a whisper. My voice seemed to be caught in my throat. The doctor gave me a minute to compose myself and when I finally looked up to her she gave me a small smile.

"Ms. Belikov? May I call you Olena?" she asked politely. I nodded my head again not trusting my voice.

"I know you are nervous Olena, but don't worry we will take this at your pace, whatever you are comfortable with. You should know that every thing you tell me is bound by doctor –patient confidentiality. Nothing leaves this room, it stays between us." She watched me with shrewd eyes, and seemed pleased that I took in a deep breath. I felt like my every move was being watched, judged, and evaluated.

"I'm sorry; I didn't realize this would be so hard." I said quietly testing my voice. She just nodded to me looking at me with those knowing eyes.

"I guess I should tell you why I'm here?" I said after another small swig of water.

"Yes" she said with a big smile "that would be helpful."

That made me smile a bit, in my head I was thinking "DUH!" Feeling a bit stupid I said, "I'm sorry" again.

"Olena, you don't have to apologize to me. I know this is a difficult time for you. I am here to listen and help if I can." She said reassuringly.

"Thank you" I said rather meekly.

"Can you just give me an idea of what has happened to you recently to bring you to see me?" I nodded to her question.

"I just had a baby and I feel like I am losing my mind." I said bluntly. "I have had some bad thoughts that I never would have ever considered before. I know I'm not in my right mind, and I need help."

"Okay, can you be more specific about the bad thoughts?" she asked with concern.

"Well, maybe I should start at the beginning?" I looked at her sort of unsure. She nodded for me to continue.

I began telling her my whole story, about when I was only fifteen I met a guy in school that I fell in love with and how I thought he loved me too. I told her about my babies and how I had planned to stop having any more children five years ago. How I stood up to him and what he did to me that night. I continued to tell her about the last five years up to today.

I realized when I was done talking that I had basically talked to my hands the entire time. I don't think I had looked up at her once. When that thought crossed my mind I looked up. She was sitting there patiently waiting for me to collect myself. I hadn't even realized I was in tears. It was like I was numb to everything.

"It sounds like you have had it very rough lately." She said quietly. "I can tell you a few things to help you understand what's going on in your mind and I think I would like you to try a medication just for a little while until we can talk through all of this." She said carefully.

"Medication?" I asked worriedly. "I'm nursing my new born."

She nodded her head "I will try to give you the lowest dose possible and one with the least side effects, so it will effect the baby only minimally."

"You have postpartum psychosis. Where your mind is at its breaking point from all the stress and the abrupt way your child was born. You didn't get to experience the actual child birth so you are feeling the loss. You also had a traumatic event prior to the birth so you have detached yourself from everything."

"You are correct when you asked about shouting this other man's name during the abuse. I notice you can't say the name of your children's father. You refer to him as he, him or their father. This Abe sounds like he has been a very good friend to you lately. Is he the only man that you have allowed yourself to become close to?" She asked at the end. I nodded my head.

"Then it stands to reason that his name was the name you were thinking in your time of distress." She concluded

I felt a strange weight lift as she said that. I thought I really was losing my mind. I was so relieved.

"You also have PTSD, do you know what that is?" she asked pointedly.

"Yes, my other doctor mentioned that." I said quietly.

"I will give you information on both of these conditions. It will help you to understand what's happening in your mind and you should know you are not alone. Many people experience these things and after all that you have been through it's not surprising you are having trouble dealing with it." She said.

"I want you to come in to see me every other day for the next two weeks. Talking about your stress will help you a great deal. We will start you on a very low dose of antidepressant to keep you stable for a week or two. Once we work through this you may be able to stop taking them. Does that sound reasonable to you?" She asked.

I nodded my head and she stood up. I realized my time was up for today, but I was shocked at how much better I felt already. Lighter even. As I stepped from the office into the fresh air I took a deep breath. I couldn't help but think maybe I'm not losing my mind after all.

Ok, do you feel better now? Did that therapy session help you too? :D

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