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The next morning brought more fresh-fallen snow. Thomas felt as if the snow obscured his mind so that he couldn't think clear anymore. Jimmy's words kept floating through his mind. He still didn't discover their meaning. And they only seem to say,
I like it that we're friends.
Thomas didn't manage to recognize the deeper meaning. The only possible explanation which haunted his mind was that Jimmy finally had developed feelings for him.
That's nonsense and you know that! So stop thinking about impossibilities!
Suddenly he remembered something he had said to Carson after Alfred had told on him and he had to justify his actions.
'It's not against the law to hope.'
Well, that was right. But…no! Thomas choked down the hope which was beginning to rise in his chest.
Don't dare to think about that only one more time! You know that it's nothing but a pipe-dream!
It was something Thomas imagined for a long time now and wished so desperately that the only thought of Jimmy meaning possibly exactly this got unbearable.
It is possible. It would be a possibility to interpret his words.
One out of thousands. Of course you pick out the one that's best for you! Besides, you shouldn't twist his words to make them suitable for you!
Thomas had to force himself to pull himself together and ban the thought, how wonderful it may be, from his mind.
When he descended the staircase and reached the servant's hall everything was drowning in chaos again.
Christmas is just around the corner, remember?
Today Jimmy looked even worse than yesterday. He obviously didn't sleep a wink the whole night.
If I only knew what the matter is…
It couldn't be that it troubled Jimmy so much just to tell him that their friendship was important to him. There was something more, something Jimmy hid from him...
I have to know what it is.
But Thomas had no time to figure it out. Mr Carson made demands on him the whole day so that he hadn't any time to ask Jimmy about the meaning of his words.
Alfred seemed to have much time to get on his nerves, though.
"What's the matter with you, Mr Barrow?"
Thomas turned around in surprise. He was about to check on the silver for tonight's dinner. "What should be the matter?"
"You're behaving quite strange lately. What have you done to Jimmy?"
That overshot the mark. "Nothing! And I don't consider this to be any of your damn business! You better get back to work! I bet Mr Carson gave you enough of it!"
Alfred nodded meekly and disappeared.
What was that?! That's none of his bloody business!
In his sudden rage he must have dropped something because all of a sudden Anna stood in the doorway.
"Is everything all right?"
"Certainly. I…"
Anna stepped into the room and came over to him. "Thomas, you're really not looking good. What happened?" Her voice was mild but at the same time insistent.
Thomas felt the sudden urge to tell her everything but he suppressed it. Instead he just said,
"I only had…a little argument with Jimmy. Nothing to worry about just…"
Anna gently touched his arm. "Everything will be alright" she reassured him. "Jimmy looked quite downcast this morning, too. Just talk to him in a quiet moment, then it'll be just fine. Don't worry too much about it."
"Thank you, Anna." Somehow her words had cheered him up.
The rest of the day went by uneventfully. But also without any possibility for Thomas to speak with Jimmy. It was afternoon when Thomas had to go upstairs to fetch something. He walked down one of the endlessly long corridors when he suddenly became aware of a noise. He stopped, alarmed.
What was that?
It seemed to come from one of the guestrooms. One of the doors was left ajar. Warily Thomas stepped up to it and cracked it open a bit more. He froze in place when he saw Jimmy sitting in the room his face buried in his hands. He was crying.
Jimmy!
Unsure of what to do Thomas moved closer to him. "Jimmy?" he asked in a cautious voice. "Hey, what happened?" Now he stood right in front of him.
First Jimmy seemed not to notice him. But then he realized the presence of his friend.
"Go away" he sniffed.
"Certainly not" Thomas replied decidedly. He squatted in front of the chair Jimmy was sitting on and looked at his friend in worry.
"What's the matter?" he repeated softly.
But Jimmy didn't answer. Instead he suppressed another sob.
"Go. Please. Leave me alone" he finally brought himself to say.
Thomas didn't even consider that. He reached out a hand and placed it on Jimmy's shoulder. When his friend abruptly pushed it away Thomas jumped up in shock and stumbled back. This was the moment their eyes met. Thomas was scared at the expression on Jimmy's face.
The same pain as last night.
Jimmy's eyes were filled with tears but there was a certain anger in it. An anger Thomas hadn't seen before.
A few heartbeats he just stood there and stared at him before he finally managed to tear himself away from his sight and turn around. With quick large steps he went towards the door. He had almost reached it when Jimmy suddenly called after him.
"Thomas, wait…"
The moment Thomas turned around again Jimmy ran towards him and flung his arms around him. He pressed his face against Thomas' chest. Thomas stood there thunderstruck. He didn't dare to move. The embrace was almost brutal in its fierceness and it surprised and startled Thomas at the same time. Finally he gained enough confidence to put his arms around Jimmy. The hands on his back he felt the unsteady breath of his friend. He realized that his own heart was gaining speed. He tenderly hugged Jimmy. But all of a sudden Jimmy pulled away and stormed past him out of the room without another word. Thomas remained completely stunned and irritated.
A few minutes had passed when he managed to move again. Slowly and with uncertain steps he made his way back to the kitchen.
Daisy eyed him curiously. "You're looking like you've just seen a ghost, Thomas."
"Well that doesn't prevent you from calling him properly" Carson's voice boomed from behind her.
Daisy spun around, startled. "Yes, of course, Mr Carson." Then she went back to her work.
Thomas said nothing during this little conversation. His thoughts were with Jimmy. Or with what he did just now. It had been so sudden and Thomas didn't know what to think of it.
First he avoids me, then he talks such muddle-headed stuff, and then he suddenly hugs me. What's going on?
The rest of the evening Thomas was in a state of trance. His thoughts were all circling around this moment and he couldn't tear himself away from it. He didn't see Jimmy for the rest of the evening.
Eventually Thomas forced himself to go to bed.
Tomorrow's Christmas Eve. You should be well-rested.
