Neither with nor without you

Chapter 3

"I guess it's time, is it?"

Jack bit his lip. It was John's voice speaking, but it could not be.

"Thank you, Jack, for everything."

Jack fought his tears. It was John's hand that caught them as they escaped his eyes at last, but... it could not be.

"You can't do this," the immortal all but begged, "You promised to stay with me."

Jack inhaled shakily. Those were John's pained eyes looking up at him through a veil of red, but it could not be...for he could not be dying. He was not allowed to.

"I'm not going anywhere," John replied softly as he lowered his shaky hand to Jack's chest, listening to his rapid heartbeat for several moments before reaching for the chain hanging around his neck, "I'll just be different."

"But you won't be yourself anymore," Jack whispered, and his voice broke at the sight of his lover's expression.

"I've never been myself, Jack."

Jack's eyes widened, and he gasped for air as he shot up from the bed he was somehow lying in. Still breathing heavily, he reached out for the other half of the bed, hoping desperately to find it as occupied as he knew it had to be.

But John was not there.

He started panicking, and after several frantic seconds his eyes finally adapted to the dark room...focusing on a sole figure standing at the window.

"John!" Jack exclaimed in sheer relief as he struggled out of the sheets. He was too happy to worry much over the fact his lover did not react at once – when he arrived at his side, John was already blinking back at him in slight surprise. "We should make our next anniversary the best one ever," he pointed out, still distracted enough not to even notice his lover's condition.

As he was still quite troubled by a dream that was slowly fading from his memory, it took Jack a while to catch up on his lover's sudden suggestion. Finally, his features softened. "It's already been seven years, has it?" he mused as he hugged John from behind to share his view of Cardiff's bay-side at dawn. "Seriously, though, I think you're right," he added with a sly smile, "But I can't promise the anniversary after that won't even better. At the very least, it should be equally good."

He felt John chuckling softly as he leant into the embrace. "I'm looking forward to all of that, then."

Whilst only with a bit of convincing, Jack's team had finally decided to spare him for a couple of days.

And even though John had been talking about having a good time together for a while, Jack had not expected he would enjoy this quite as much, especially since neither of them had really bothered preparing this trip very carefully.

But there he was, lying next to the man he loved on a queen-sized bed underneath a ceiling made of glass, staring up at a million stars that seemed to be shining brightly just for them after a day that had been perfect.

For a single, brilliant day, they had gone out, walked around, talked and laughed just like any other couple. For once, they had not bothered worrying about Torchwood, saving the world, or anybody else. They had spent the entire day simply enjoying each other's presence, and it had been so good.

As he heard his lover shifting next to him, he turned his head to marvel at his handsome features. Yet his gaze traveled to the white bandage on his friend's abdomen that covered a wound that had not even closed yet.

It had been weeks since the cybermen had tried taking over, but the injury reminded Jack of his worries every time he saw it. But...did he really have the heart to spoil the mood like that?

Moving without thinking, he leant over to place a soft kiss on the skin around the wound.

"What...are you doing," John demanded in a strangled voice, squirming a bit.

"What does it look like?" Jack murmured as he gently pulled his lover close again, "I'm kissing you better."

Of course he knew he could not literally do that...but he could try, couldn't he?

"I can think of better ways to utilize that mouth of yours, you know," John remarked slyly.

Highly intrigued, Jack arched an eyebrow and met his lover's eyes. He was more than willing to follow his wink, but he could not ignore the uneasiness that had suddenly taken a firm hold on his heart. All to soon, he saw John's face falling slightly due to his hesitation. The harm had already been done, so Jack decided he could as well kill the mood altogether.

"Would you do that again, though?" he whispered, his voice even less audible than he had intended but much louder than he dared, "Would you push your luck just because I fail to solve the problem?" He lowered his head, but the resolution returned to his voice, "Because I sure as hell won't disappoint you ever again."

Sighing deeply, John fully sat up and pushed Jack back onto the mattress to force a needy kiss onto his lips. "Failure is a part of being human, Jack," he stated adamantly and leant forward to continue in a whisper, "but don't worry. If such a situation arises ever again, we don't need to push our luck."

He placed a kiss on Jack's neck.

"We will be lucky."

They had spent an amazing day.

They had spent an amazing night.

Unfortunately, that had barely left any room for sleep. Nonetheless Jack felt strangely refreshed as he joined his lover on the patio for a very late breakfast. "It's really too soon for you to end up in a midlife crisis," he joked as he sat down without John even noticing.

Blinking, the brunet looked up at him. "How good of you to mention that."

Frankly, Jack thought John had been enjoying the scenery, but of course he had been daydreaming again...which he had been doing even more often lately. Maybe Jack really had hit a sore spot with his comment, even if unintentionally? After all, something had been troubling John lately, so maybe this was a good opportunity. "Do you mind talking?" he asked carefully, reaching for his lover's hand to stress his intention.

John looked at their hands intertwining and met Jack's eyes in slight bemusement. "Not at all," he said and smiled apologetically, "It's overdue anyway, but I hope you'll forgive me for enjoying our relationship before words and circumstances...happen."

Jack's eyes widened.

"...What?"

He had intended to talk for reassurance, not because he had suspected a crack in their relationship...or worse.

What the hell?

Jack knew he was growing pale, and apparently John noticed, too. Smiling warmly, he took the immortal's hand into his own and stroked in gently. "You know that I love you, no matter what, right?" he assured him.

Gulping, Jack did not feel any better. "And I love you."

Pondering, John chuckled, "I really don't know how to say this, so let me just tell you a story instead." He inhaled deeply and began, "Once upon a time, there was a man who was impossibly old...and impossibly lonely. He kept making friends and lovers, but he would always outlive them." Breaking their eye contact, John looked back at the scenery. Jack, meanwhile, could not tear his gaze off his lover's features. They had discussed and...accepted their different life spans...hadn't they?

All too quickly and entirely unbidden, Jack's thoughts returned to a wound that healed unnaturally slowly. John wasn't dying, was he?

"He kept struggling to deal with the losses, but in the end, he stopped trying altogether," the brunet went on, "They would come and go, but the pain would prevail. One day, when he stood within a scenery much like this one and failed to appreciate its beauty, he realized he had forgotten how to be happy." Sighing, he tore his gaze off the flowery meadow to meet a skeptical Jack's eyes again. "It was the same day he decided to strip away the bitterness and try living the life of a human."

His lover's eyes were saying so much, but Jack failed to understand them. "What..."

Inhaling deeply, John lowered his gaze to the table, where their fingers were still intertwined. "There's a reason why the hand in your jar looks exactly like mine," he offered quietly.

And finally, the penny dropped.

Jack inhaled deeply. By this point, all the oxygen on the planet did not suffice to dampen his confusion. Surely John was joking...right?

But...

He was right about the jar.

"You're the Doctor," he summarized numbly, seeking his lover's eyes for any reaction.

The brunet's gaze, however, was fixed on the table. "I'm John Smith," he stressed at once, but hesitated to elaborate. "Quite literally per definition," he added after a while and chuckled humorlessly, "Even though I don't want it to be true, I'm really just a projection of the Doctor's mind onto a human brain. If it weren't for the cybermen incident, I would never even have learnt that much." Leaning back at last, he sighed deeply, but still refused to meet Jack's eyes. "I guess on that notion, you're right with the midlife crisis," he commented dryly, "This human body has still about forty years before dying a natural death, but won't survive our current life style as long as that anyway."

"John," Jack interrupted him. But the brunet kept talking, "Considering we will need the Doctor's expertise even before that untimely end, those ten actual years I've had so far might even be as far as it goes."

"John." The chair fell to the ground as Jack got up to pull his lover into an embrace tight enough to squeeze some sense back into him. "I'm not letting you go anytime soon. Actually, never." He gritted his teeth, "You promised to stay with me."

Inhaling deeply, John replied in a flat whisper, "...did I?"

Jack's breath caught for a moment as he realized his lover was right. There had not been a promise like that – at least not in reality. Or maybe, not yet. Nonetheless, Jack had taken that for fact value, for he had addressed that very promise so often during his nightmares.

"I can't make such a vow," John added without taking notice of Jack's sudden turmoil, "But I can guarantee that I'll stay with you...as long as possible."

Gulping, Jack pulled away to stare at the man he loved.

It was strange, really.

He had just been told that somehow, John and the man he had been searching for centuries were the same person after all...and yet so very different. In a way, the Doctor had become his doctor...probably even without realizing it.

A whole lot of questions were flooding his mind at that notion. How was this even possible? What had the time lord been thinking? Worse yet, what was John thinking? Even with all the horrible experiences he had already gone through, Jack was having a hard time imagining what it must feel like to find out you are not the man you thought you were. But John could not be as fake as he seemed to believe, could he? Everything they had lived through together had been real, and for that reason, he could not just deny his own worth. No matter what circumstances arose, Jack could never stop loving him. John was John, but... What would happen to John if the Doctor ever decided to change back?

Inhaling deeply, Jack dared trusting his voice again. "You know, out of all the things you just said," he whispered in a shaky voice as he reached for John's hand and gently kissed it, "it's the thought of losing you that really terrifies me." He looked up again. "You've proven so often that you're a great person and an even better lover, so if anything, finding out you're not just an ordinary human makes you even more special to me."

Although barely visible, a small smile appeared on John's features – but only briefly so, as it was soon replaced by another frown. "But..." he spoke hesitantly, "Don't you love the Doctor, too?"

It was an important question, but Jack did not even have to think about it, for he had found his answer long ago. "I love the Doctor because he inspires me throughout time and space," he clarified and smiled as he squeezed John's hand, "You, on the other hand, are right here with me, right here where I need you." His smile grew warmer. "No matter who, no matter what, I would not trade this for the world...not even for the Doctor, but thankfully, he seems to want you happy nearly as much as I do anyway."

John failed to reply altogether, but judging by his expression, Jack had said the right thing. "And I mean what I just said," he added seriously, "I want, no, I need you to be happy, and I will make sure of that." His words were genuine, and as soon as his brain realized what he was saying, he found himself kneeling in front of his doctor, "So marry me already, John."

A single tear rolled out of John's eye as he replied with a wide smile. "I thought you'd never ask."

Chapter 3 - End