Mininote: I've been wondering whether to include the year that never was into this, but since it makes things much more, err, interesting, here we are.
Neither with nor without you
Chapter 4
"You promised to stay with me," Jack pleaded as he sunk onto his knees.
But in truth...it was him who had broken that promise first.
He had never meant to leave.
365 days ago
"You said John has to work today, didn't you?" Gwen asked after a brief glance at the CCTV, "So what's he doing outside, with a pretty girl no less?"
Startled, Jack followed her gaze, yet unlike her, he noticed the difference at once – in spite of such a deep frown, that face was still just as handsome, and yet... "That's not John," he stated blankly, and that simple realization terrified him greatly. Dashing out of the Hub without any further explanations, he hastily dialed a number he knew by heart.
"Jack?" he heard John replying in quite a stressed voice, "I'm busy right now, can it wait?"
The immortal's breath hitched. "You're yourself," he rasped in utter relief, "That's all I needed to know."
John hesitated, but as ever so often, he caught on too quickly for his own good. "Don't go with him, Jack," he spoke quietly.
The immortal frowned. It was true he intended to meet the Doctor, for he needed some answers John could not provide. The time lord's consciousness within the fob watch, on the other hand, would only reply in an utter emergency, and even then no information beyond immediate necessity was exchanged. As such, Jack could only hope for answers by meeting an actual time lord version of the Doctor, and as luck would have it, he might be about to finally get his first chance after a century of waiting. "I'm not going with him, I just need to talk," he reassured his lover through the phone, "I'll be back before you know it."
When he finally reached the Tardis sitting in its usual refueling spot, though, it was just about to depart. Had he paid closer attention to the signs, he would have realized that he was going to be dragged along into the Vortex. Alas, he had not.
He had never meant to leave.
335 days ago.
It was a fun adventure, he had to admit as much. He had not been running like that in a long time, and in a way, he had missed that a lot. During their trip to the end of the universe, he suddenly remembered with unsettling intensity what had made him fall in love with the Doctor in the first place.
It was the fact that he could never have him anyway.
The time lord was charming, and he was brilliant, and he was handsome. But he was absolutely and utterly unreachable. Neither Jack nor the pretty young lady named Martha understood how Rose could ever have managed winning the Doctor's heart.
But it was not as if he needed to know. Not any longer. These were old wounds and longings he had to face at some point, but he had moved on since then. He no longer needed the Doctor's affirmation, at least not this Doctor's, for he had found something far better.
But that did not mean it did not hurt to be scrutinized from a distance by eyes he loved so much – and to be told he was wrong in his very nature by a voice that had always steadied him.
This Doctor and his doctor, so alike and yet so very different.
He still loved the time lord, and he always would, but all the adventures he could experience at his side would never weigh up to his simple yet beautiful life with John.
Jack might have stranded at the end of the universe, but...
He had never meant to leave.
331 days ago
A fob watch, much similar to the one Jack was carrying wherever he went, had triggered their current misery – and unless they figured out how to fight the Prime Minister himself, they would soon be facing a major catastrophe.
Worse yet...
The Master had found Martha's family – what if he had found John?
Sure enough, he did not answer his phone. Then again, though, there were no reports of him being taken into custody, either, so hopefully he had seen the signs and gone into hiding before his lover had become the third-most wanted criminal in the country.
"John Harkness?" he heard Martha gasping as she glanced over his shoulder onto the screen, "Don't tell me you're really related to the most celebrated practising physician of our age!"
Slightly surprised, Jack grinned back. "And he's the most handsome one, too," he told her and flashed the golden ring on his left hand proudly.
With her eyebrows shooting upwards, she had clearly not expected that kind of relationship.
Then again, Jack had not exactly expected her to recognize his husband's name, either. With the problems they were dealing with at Torchwood, he often forgot that John was just as good with humans as he was with aliens. Within the medical community, he had become quite a celebrity – to the point where even most medical students had heard his name somewhere before.
"Wow," Martha was struggling with her words and shook her head, "I mean, wow. I've been trying to get an internship with him for years and you're...wow."
Blinking, Jack could not help himself. "Well, my internship with him is quite an applied one..." he drawled lazily, missing the other man even more now that he was actually talking about him.
Strangely enough, he barely even realized what he had said before he noticed Martha blushing horribly. Finally, it was the Doctor's words from where he was fiddling with the Tardis keys that broke the silence, "Jack, behave."
Chuckling, Jack scratched the back of his head. "Seriously, though," he promised. "Once we make it out of this, I'll introduce you – assuming I'll somehow be able to contact him..." Trailing off, he glared at his phone before adding with a smile, "I'm sure he'll take quite a liking to you."
Martha was speechless for a moment. "Thank you, Jack," she replied with a hesitant smile and sat back again, "So what's he like? Aside from his achievements, there's really not that much public information on him as a person. I haven't even found any pictures yet."
Frowning, Jack pondered his answer for a moment. How much could he tell her? Worse yet, how much could he allow the Doctor to hear? He still had not been able to find out John and the Doctor's chronological order, so any information given might be pushing his luck. But then again, he was not willing to have a discussion about his love life with a time lord version of his husband that clearly had no interest in him as such anyway.
As a matter of fact, the Doctor had expressed a certain repulsion.
….and it hurt Jack more than he cared to admit. Was this where his relationship with John was ultimately headed? Would he turn his back on Jack as soon as he became a time lord again?
Clearing his throat, Jack tried to bring his mind back to the present. Martha was still waiting for her answer, and if he really was about to introduce her to John, he would have to prepare her somehow anyway. So, how to do that without giving too much away?
"Well," he drawled, "John's clever, he's kind, and he's often talking about everything and nothing at the same time." Pausing briefly, he added, "Actually, if I were to compare him to someone, the Doctor's like him in many aspects." Peeking at the time lord, he could not help teasing him a bit, and thus added, "but of course, John's so much more handsome, much more patient, and he really isn't quite as full of himself."
"Oy!" the Doctor interrupted, scandalized.
"And he's grown a really gorgeous beard," Jack added with a wink at the time lord who was finally paying proper attention to them, "you should try that too, it would suit you."
Not entirely consciously, the Doctor rubbed his chin. "I don't think I should," he replied with a frown and cleared his throat, "Just to get that straight." His frown deepened. "You married a man...who's like me."
Blinking, Jack realized he might have given away a bit too much after all – not about John, but about himself. "I've only just met this regeneration of you, so it's really more accurate to say that you're like him," he replied lamely, stressing the order because he really disliked thinking of John as the Doctor's lookalike, "There's a difference."
The time lord rolled his eyes, but sent him a smile. "I'm happy for you, Jack," he stated sincerely, "No matter how much you go through, you should never forget to enjoy life."
As the Doctor resumed working, Jack stared at him in barely concealed surprise.
Why...did he suddenly feel so guilty? Opening his mouth to reply, Jack failed to find the right words to do so.
Speak for yourself, Doctor.
323 days ago
Ten years ago, he would have sacrificed anything to help the Doctor.
He would have faced never-ending torture, awaiting that one moment of carelessness that would allow him to free both himself and the Doctor from the Master's clutches.
In trying to save him, he would have died a thousand deaths for the time lord.
But even though he had been aged beyond recognition, the Doctor had a plan – and so did Jack...at least basically.
As the Master was laughing hysterically at his own victory, he had not even noticed the immortal returning from the dead once more.
This might be his only chance, and thus...
"Martha, now!" ...he ran.
He reached her just in time.
Before they knew it, they found themselves toppling out of the dimensional tunnel, gasping for air, out of immediate danger's reach.
"We'll save them," he told her, still breathing hard as he marveled at the brilliant sky above, "We'll save them all."
Now more than ever, there was work to be done. He might still end up dying a thousand times in this battle, but at least he would be doing that to save his doctor.
303 days ago.
The Toclafane, how could he have forgotten about them?
Or rather, it wasn't that he had forgotten them – he had simply underestimated them.
A lot.
After he had shoved Martha into the elevator, his body had managed blocking the aliens' assault just long enough for the doors to close.
For the moment at least, she was safe – but she would also be on her own from now on.
He could barely even see, let alone think or run. His legs, either broken or entirely cut off, he could not even tell, had stopped supporting him altogether, which left him with little more than the dreary outlook of blood gushing out of his forearm as it lay motionless on the pavement, blocking the majority of his vision.
Now that...would take a while to heal.
Hopefully, Martha would be alright.
They could not fail here, not when their mission had only just started – for crying out loud, they had not even reached Cardiff yet!
Finally, and rather forcefully so, his lungs sucked in all the air they could get. So he was recovering at last, was he? But...it felt different.
It had almost felt like...an electromagnetic impulse.
And...judging from the metallic noise that could very well have been caused by two Toclafane hitting the ground, it might have been just that.
Relief washed over him as footfalls indicated the arrival of at least a dozen rebels.
"We're too late," one of them stated quietly upon checking, and failing to discover, Jack's barely existent pulse.
He would have gasped if he had been able to – he would have shown any kind of reaction simply because he needed them to realize he was still alive somehow.
Surely...they would not just leave him there, would they?
"I'll take care of him," another voice answered, growing louder with every step its owner took, "Please find Miss Jones."
Inwardly, Jack was beaming. He knew that voice.
"I'm sorry, John," the first rebel whispered before taking off down the stairs.
Meanwhile, a sight dearly missed was returning to Jack. He knew those shoes, he knew those hands and...as his neck was finally relocated to a more natural position, but primarily because he finally caught sight of his husband's face, his voice finally returned to him. "Oh god, you're beautiful," he rasped, choked on his words and coughed heavily.
Sighing softly, with a strained yet good-natured smile, John continued rearranging his lover's tangled limbs to ensure a quick recovery before placing a chaste kiss on bloodied lips. "I've missed you, too."
302 days ago.
Given the horrible circumstances of their reunion, Jack was grateful he had at one point during the last month of their twosome travel bothered explaining to Martha that his husband was, in fact, not just similar to the Doctor, but in a way the Doctor himself.
All things considered, she had taken it quite well.
If anything was bothering her about John, it was probably the subtle but important differences between human and time lord. He was talking more calmly, he was smiling more sincerely, and he was more relaxed in most respects. In exchange for that, though, he lacked skills and knowledge no human could have – but a time lord would.
John was not the Doctor – and in times as dire as these, even Jack could not keep himself from hoping that somehow, the time lord's ingenuity would shine through and make John save the day once again.
"He's given me – us – quite an arduous task," Martha explained, still trying to get used to the difference without being rude about it, "We have to travel the world in order to –"
"Martha," John interrupted her, "Please don't continue."
Her expression froze. "What?" she asked.
Jack's face, on the other hand, lit up. "You already know what's going to happen, do you?" he prompted, "As before, he's somehow leaked the most crucial information to you?"
With an apologetic frown, John shook his head. "I know you're going to live," he stated, "But I also know I as a person cannot fight on the front lines with you."
He might have just found out they would somehow succeed somewhen, and yet Jack's face fell, too.
"Meeting another version of yourself is always risky, but if that happens to me and the Doctor with the paradox machine running, this entire realm will be torn apart." John explained, "It's a miracle the Master hasn't yet found the truth about me. Once he does, though, the consequences will be...dire, to say the least."
Hesitating, Martha was choosing her words carefully, "But we need you to support us."
"That's exactly what I am going to do. I will keep paving your way within the resistance," John replied firmly, "But I must ask you to only tell me what I need to know – because I am not the Doctor and, frankly, he did not design me to be a soldier." He took a deep breath before adding, "If Jack, or you, or anybody I care about gets tortured in front of my eyes, I will yield."
1 day ago.
So far, so good.
In spite of Martha's initial hesitation, John had proven most helpful where the Doctor might have failed miserably, yet where they needed it the most: in ensuring their supplies on food and weaponry as well as organizing their travels.
It had been three hundred days, and they had spread the word as far as they could before returning to Cardiff at last.
Only another month, and this nightmare would finally come to an end.
Hopefully.
"Once the paradox is broken, what happens next?" Jack wondered on their first evening back at the first rebel shelter they had encountered all those months ago. Considering he had doubted they would even make it once around the globe and back, he had not often bothered thinking any further than spreading the word – but of course, revitalizing the Doctor himself would not suffice. They would have to regain the Tardis, too.
"The Toclafane will disappear, won't they?" Martha replied and lowered her gaze, "But that won't bring back the dead."
"Actually, it will," John piped up, "time will rewind all the way back to when the paradox was created."
Martha's eyes widened. "It will be as if nothing had happened?"
John nodded softly. "Most deaths will be undone," he stated, "If we get that far, that is."
Today.
Why?
Why the hell had the Master ordered the Toclafane to massacre every single human located at Cardiff Bay?
Why the hell hadn't Jack been there when Gwen had called for help?
Why, for heaven's sake, had John gone to Torchwood?
"You promised to stay with me," Jack pleaded, cradling his lover in his arms. John was covered in cuts and bruises, bleeding profusely...and fading so very quickly. But he could not – he was not allowed to. He had a promised to keep.
...but in truth, it was Jack who had broken that promise first. Even though he had never meant to, he had run off with the Doctor. But he still had any right to demand John to stay, didn't he?
Didn't he?
"I'm not going anywhere," John whispered as he rested his shivering hand on Jack's chest, as if to ensure at least one of them would be alright, "I'll just be different."
"But you won't be yourself anymore," Jack rasped breathlessly.
"I've never been myself, Jack," John smiled sadly, his hand traveling down a chain around the immortal's neck without ever reaching it's destination.
"That never kept me from loving you, did it?" Jack whispered, and as he followed his lover's resigned gaze...his heart broke.
No.
The fob watch.
No.
Where had it gone?
No.
Jack's breath hitched.
No.
"You know how to..." John whispered and closed his eyes, "save me, Jack."
The immortal stared at him with wide, teary eyes.
No.
No.
No!
Dazed and desperate, Jack tightened his embrace as he started crying against his lover's shoulder.
All the while, John was smiling softly, but his eyes stayed shut...and his heart had stopped beating.
Eventually.
Jack was not doing well.
He was not doing well at all.
He had often wondered what he would do without John, but he had always expected he would somehow be able to reawaken the Doctor in the process. He had not expected to lose him altogether.
But he had.
The fob watch, loosening itself from a chain it had stuck to for years mere hours before it was needed, had failed to meet its very purpose...and yet the Doctor supposedly hidden within it refused to respond even now.
Maybe, in letting his body die, Jack had unwillingly killed the time lord, too – and even if that was the case, even if he had any way of finding out, he doubted he could ever feel any worse.
Days came and went, and he grew number with any passing moment.
He grew reckless, but worse, he grew unforgiving.
By the time of the final hour, he was ready to murder the Master on the very spot.
But the sight of the Doctor reminded him of the fact that he had been living for this very moment. For the sole purpose of rewinding time – to find his doctor again.
John.
He had to save him.
And that he did.