CHAPTER 4 – I Even Used the Word Lesbian

It had been 6 months since Mike first moved out, 5 months since Stef first met Lena, 4 months since they started communicating outside of school events, 3 months since their pizza outing, 2 months since they started getting the kids together for play dates and 1 month since they started getting a babysitter for the kids and going out alone. The first few meetings after treating the kids to pizza whenever Stef and Lena were together stef would probe Lena a little about being gay. Stef was struggling with coming to terms that she herself was gay and enjoyed her relationship with Lena more than any relationship she had ever been in. Lena could see this internal battle Stef was having and was very cautious about getting too involved with the blond beauty. Yes she could easily let herself fall in love with Stef but the facts where she was still married and Stef wasn't ready to admit to anyone she was gay. They had kissed a few times and it easily could have been brushed off as friendly kisses but never talked about what it meant. Until Stef was ready to do that Lena couldn't allow her heart to commit.

As the days turned into weeks Lena wasn't sure Stef was ever going to be ok with being gay. As much as Lena wanted to keep Stef in her life she could not force Stef to be ok with it….she had to do that on her time table and who knows when that was going to be. They had a fight almost a week ago about it and hadn't talked since and she had to admit she was miserable. She missed talking to Stef at night or getting texts throughout the day just to let her know she was being thought about. Why did the perfect person for her have to waltz into her life only not to be ready for a relationship.

Likewise Stef was equally as miserable. She couldn't blame Lena for anything she said…it had all been true. She was terrified to tell anyone she was gay because than it would make it true. Growing up all she heard was being gay was a sin and it was wrong to like members of the same sex. She spent a better part of her life feeling like it was wrong to just be herself. For the last few months, spending time with Lena, she had never felt so at peace about who she was….with Lena it was easy…..everyone else made it complicated.

"Mommy how come Callie can't come over and play," Brandon asked missing his best friend only being able to see her in school this past week?

"Well, because mommy needs to figure some things out before her mommy will let her come over again."

"Can you hurry up and figure it out. I miss her and Lena."

"You miss Lena," stef asked a little shocked?

"Yeah, she is nice and funny….and when she is around you're happy…..you haven't been happy this week. I miss happy mommy."

"Ohh sweetie I am so sorry…I didn't realize….I promise you're going to get happy mommy back starting right now."

"Good I like happy mommy."

"B let me talk to you about something….it is some adult stuff and it is ok if you don't totally understand ok."

Brandon just nodded his head.

"You know that daddy lives in another house now and won't be coming back here right."

"Yeah."

"And it has nothing to do with you sweetie. Mommy and daddy love you very much but sometimes adults have to go and make things complicated. If you ever need daddy or I we will always be there for you no matter what."

"No matter what?"

"No matter what B you are the most important person in our lives. Other people will come into our lives that will be important but that does not make you any less important….we love you."

"I love you too mommy."

"I do care about daddy but sometimes you start to love other people…different people."

Stef paused not knowing what she was trying to tell her son or how she planned on telling him. She figured just coming right out and telling him would be best.

"Brandon mommy is gay."

"What is gay?"

"Well instead of me loving men like daddy, I love woman."

"Like Lena," he asked innocently.

Stef paused shocked by his statement. She tried not reading too much into that.

"Yes Brandon I love woman like Lena….love is love sweetie. You have to be happy and be honest with yourself and mommy wasn't very honest with herself for a long time but I am now."

"So you're happy now?"

"I am happy now."

"Then I am happy too," Brandon said with a smile.

Stef leaned down and kissed her sons forehead. If only the world took on the views of her 5 year old son it would be a much better place.

That night Stef felt a sense of peace she hadn't felt in a long time. Sure telling her son would probably be the easiest person to tell but that fact was she told someone. She told another person she was gay and perfect women over men. The next day she told her father which turned into an all out battle and then she told Mike….which was the hardest. Not only was she coming out as a lesbian but she was also putting an official end to their marriage. There was no counseling that could fix this, no religious experience that would change her….their marriage was over.

Lena sat in her office trying to concentrate on reviewing the test results of a standardized test given a couple weeks ago. She was praying her phone would ring or an email would come through from Stef but she hadn't heard from her since their fight. Picking up her phone and was tempted to call, but what would she say? She opened her phone and flipped through the pictures stored there and came across one that always brought a smile to her face. It was at a BBQ hosted at her house a few weeks ago signaling the end of summer. The kids had been outside playing and were hungry and with all the energy they had in them they ran towards their moms who were sitting on the ground not far away and practically tackled them jumping into their arms. Stef and Lena in turn started tickling them and they all ended up in a tangled heap…which her friend snapped a picture of and later texted to her.

A beep from her phone as she admired the picture nearly made her fall out of her chair.

"Meet me outside in the parking lot please."

She was here…Stef was outside waiting for her. As much as she wanted to crumple and completely give in she had to be strong.

"I am not doing this," Lena said walking up to Stef who was leaning against her car. "I'm not…I am not getting involved with a married woman. Women like you are just passing through but this is where I live Stef."

"I told Mike and I told my father and Brandon and all of my friends….well most of my friends. I told them I was gay…I even used the word lesbian."

Lena stood there in shock. Was Stef being serious? Did she really tell everyone that she was a lesbian?

"I told them I met a woman that I cannot live without….I belong with you Lena…and I don't want to live without you."

Stef gave Lena a minute to take that at all. She looked just as shocked and clearly needed a little time to hopefully accept what Stef was telling her. However, Stef was getting a little impatient and nervous that she had waited too long.

"So how does it feel?"

"You had me at lesbian."

Stef smiled and exhaled now knowing she wasn't too late….this was going to work. She took Lena hands in hers and pulled them closer together. She just wanted to be close to the woman she was falling truly in love with. There was nothing forced, there was no pretending for the first time in her life this was just real. For the first time Stef initiate things and leaned down and softly pressed her lips against Lena's.

"I umm have to get back…to work," Lena said not really wanting to leave this moment.

"Come over after," Stef asked?

"I'll pick up dinner."

"We will be waiting."

The two women separated a little before Lena pulled her back in for a quick kiss.

The rest of the day couldn't come fast enough but it dragged on for Lena. She tried to focus back on her work but all she could think about was getting over to Stef's and make sure this all really happened. The second the final school bell rang she picked up Callie and Brandon and left. Callie was thrilled not only going to Brandon's but also getting take out. She knew her mommy didn't like takeout food except for on special occasions.

"Stefie," Callie said excited jumping into the blonds arms as she opened the door.

"Hey sweets how was school," she asked kissing the little girls cheek?

"Good…I made a picture."

"You did? I can't wait to see it."

"But before that go wash your hands for dinner," Lena told both the kids.

Stef placed Callie back on the ground and gave her son and hug and kiss hello before both kids raced to the kitchen.

"So earlier today," Lena said placing the bag of food down on a nearby table and bringing Stef into her arms.

"Hmmm yes," Stef said nuzzling Lena's neck.

"That really happened right…I didn't just dream it."

"That really happened," stef said leaning in to give Lena a short but passionate kiss. "I want to be with you and I want everyone to know how lucky I am to be with such an amazing person….an amazing woman."

Lena wanted to burst with happiness and excitement. She pulled Stef back in for a kiss only breaking apart when they heard giggles behind them

"And what is so funny nuggets," Stef asked using her nickname for the two kids?

"Mama kissing," callie giggled again.

"Mama is going to kiss you too," Lena said quickly grabbing her daughter up in her arms and peppering her face with kisses causing the girl to laugh hysterically.

Meanwhile Stef attacked Brandon with tickles and both kids were in a laughing fit. It took them a while but eventually the 4 made it around the kitchen table for dinner. Stef and Lena both content with the knowledge that this wasn't just a fling….neither were just passing through….this was it for them….this was their future…it was their life.