Chapter Five

"I am taking him home with me, to Pollux. I've talked to our doctors, they understand what he has been through," Romelle didn't waste time. She waylaid with Keith with her goal the second Lance's door closed behind him. "Sven wanted... He wanted to prove something to himself and to you. I tried to be understanding, I tried to be supportive but I never really understood it. I was afraid something like this might happen." She glanced at Lance's door and wiped at her eyes. "I didn't speak a word about my doubts though, I was too frightened he would think I doubted him. I believe in him, I do but this was all too soon. I thought... Why didn't you protect him?"

The words slapped Keith and he looked over the top of Romelle's head. At the wall behind her and he tried to find the words to explain to her that he had been protecting Sven. He thought he'd been protecting Sven. "I thought I was," he said. "He was positive getting back into the swing of things would help him. Getting back to our purpose here, to the oath the five of us swore when we found ourselves on Arus, and met Allura and found out about Voltron. He wanted to protect Arus, protect the Denubian Galaxy, protect Pollux. He was quieter, a bit more reserved but he was Sven. He needed time, yes but he was handling training, we'd all gone up before against robeast since his return. He..." Keith stopped, he wasn't believing the words he was saying. They were the same things he'd repeated over and over to Lance a million times and he knew that in them was a major lie. "It's not true. He wasn't Sven. Not, not the man I knew. The only time I've caught sight of that man is when you were here, or I was up late enough at night to hear him speaking with you in the control room. He's been worse since you've been kept on Pollux, and I..." Keith trailed off because he didn't know how to tell her why he couldn't admit it until now. Until she was staring him in the face with her heart shining out of scared eyes for the man she loved. Keith could see it so clearly, the love Romelle had for Sven, it blazed from her. It was more than anything he'd felt, or ever thought he felt and he knew Sven returned her passion.

He'd known because it was why he'd thought of Romelle as her, it was why he'd kept avoiding Lance's advice and Lance's constant pointing out that Sven needed Romelle. It's why he refused to asked Sven himself if he wanted to go Pollux. He wasn't in love Sven anymore, he hadn't been for a long time. He loved Sven, he needed Sven, he loved Sven, more than he should at times. He was possessive, Keith thought, that was what this was... he Keith Kogane was a possessive son of a bitch. Sven had been taken from him, he'd lost his close friend, his old lover, his first love and he'd wanted to keep him. Keep him, like Lance said like he was a toy, a possession. Keith shuddered inwardly and prayed Sven and Romelle could one day forgive him.

He glanced at Lance's door and prayed more fervently that Lance would one day forgive him as well. Keith forced himself to look Romelle in the eyes, his shame, his guilt welled up and he wanted to turn away but he'd face this monster in himself. He had so much to atone for.

"I didn't want to admit I couldn't help him. He and I, we always had each other's backs. We watched out for each other. We've been doing it for a long time, he told me he could handle it and I wanted to see that Sven could handle it. I refused to acknowledge the truth Romelle. I'm sorry. Lance..." Keith stopped short as his voice broke on a sob as he spoke Lance's name. He looked down at his shoes, ran his hand over the beard that was on his face - he'd been at Lance's side for how long now? When would he wake up? "Lance kept telling me to let Sven go to you, I wouldn't listen. This is my fault."

"I'm free to take him home with me then?" Romelle asked.

Keith heard a part of his soul say no, but the rest of him said yes. His heart, his spirit, and his rationality. Sven belonged with Romelle, they'd been to Hell together and come out of it hand in hand stronger together than apart. Lance had been the only one brave enough to say it and that it was his life hanging by thread had Keith's heart in tatters. "Yes. I'll ensure it myself, Romelle. Allura can and will fly Blue Lion," he said, the noble part of him hating to put Arus' only Crown Princess back onto the front lines but she was willing, she was brave and it was the right the choice.

Romelle nodded and looked around. "Where will I find, Dr. Gorma to arrange for Sven's transfer to my shuttle?"

Keith looked around the ICU himself, a glance through the glass window to Lance's room, showing no change and Allura asleep on Lance's arm. He wanted to get back inside but he realized he couldn't. Not with what he'd promised Romelle. He had to speak to the doctors, he had to tell Coran the news and explain to the royal advisor that it was how it was, Allura had to fly the Blue Lion. He should see Sven.

"Give me one moment, and I'll walk you to Dr. Gorma's office, Romelle," Keith said. Then he opened the door to Lance's room and walked over to the bed, he sat down in his chair and pulled it back into position. He leaned over Lance, he wanted to touch him as freely as Allura felt she could, yet he felt tainted. He was too ashamed, he was to blame for this, he didn't have the right. Keith looked at Lance's own unshaven face. He tried to remember a specific time he'd kissed Lance's jawline and found he couldn't, yet he knew he'd done it over a dozen times.

I've taken you for granted, way to many times, Lance. Not anymore. I promise. I, have to go do what I should have done in the first place. I'm letting Sven go where he should be, with Romelle. To Pollux. I'll be back.

Keith knew Lance couldn't hear his thoughts, he didn't know why he bothered but it made him feel better. He stood back up and walked out of the room, closing the door carefully so he wouldn't wake the sleeping Princess.

~~.~~

Keith

To make it short. Romelle took Sven to Pollux today. It caused a fight with Coran that was pointless. I think Coran realized it mid-fight, because Sven can't fight right now as it is, he isn't healing here anymore. Coran realized he had to face that Allura would once again become a soldier. He once again demanded my promise to protect her live at all costs and I once again found it impossible not to swear to protect Allura with my own. Allura is young, vibrant, strong and this planet's hope. Not only by being their Crown Princess but because of who she is. Despite all she has lost she remains hopeful. She is full of faith - though daily as she sits by Lance I've been seeing it tested. Yet, she holds his hand, she squeezes it and she speaks to him with the belief he can hear her. She hasn't given up on him opening his eyes.

My promise reaffirmed to give my life for Allura's, to Coran's, I finally made my way to Sven's room. I had left Romelle to make the arrangements with his doctors for his transfer to her shuttle. She had already settled everything for his stay in her own Castle on Pollux, with care of the doctor's there. The truth, the true soul of the matter is that she'll be his medicine.

All that was left was for me to say goodbye. Pidge and Hunk were in the room when I got there, I knew they visited Sven everyday before they came to see Lance. Hunk was hugging Romelle in the all encompassing way you fear may suffocate you, or at least I do, when he grabs me into his hold and lifts me off my feet. Pidge was in front of Sven, holding a listless hand.

I had been avoiding this room. It's true I didn't want to leave Lance, something in me needs to stay with him, I can't leave him. I hated not being in his room the entire I was gone today, fearing I might miss some sign he was going to wake up. Afraid I might miss his eyes blinking open. I needed to watch Lance's chest move, see his lids twitch and know he was dreaming.

Sven was awake but his eyes were dull. Sven was sitting but he wasn't really in the chair. The sight made it impossible for me to avoid the truth that had been in front of me since the day he returned to us. Since the day he asked me to help reinstate him on the Force and I had stupidly said yes because I had put my wishes head of what was true.

I'd thought he and I had gotten another chance to be together, to work together, to be teammates and to save Arus from Doom. I thought we'd get to be Sven, Keith and Lance again. The unlikely threesome of friendship that had formed between us so long ago, the craziness that worked out in the field of battle and made all of us better fighters, better soldiers. Better strategists, we could bounce off of each other and Lance's out of the box thinking would hone in, my more precise thinking would grow out and Sven's way of seeing all the angles could put it all together.

Sven wasn't seeing any angles in that chair. There was no big picture in his mind, there was no picture there. He wasn't seeing anything and as I listened to Pidge tell him that he'd miss him but that he'd see him soon, I turned around and walked away.

I don't want to look into the emptiness, I don't want to only see gray eyes. I took a writing class once, out of boredom, I had run out of electives to choose and I didn't want another free period. So I chose the creative elective and the teacher and a few of the other writer's in the room were always talking about how eyes, couldn't be sharp, or wise, or full of passion, that they didn't go round with fear, or pop out of people's faces... That they can't really hold all those little details that we humans place upon them and that writing those expressions is tricky.

I thought they were over thinking it, me who according to Lance over thinks everything. I haven't thought about it since then but it's on my mind now. Because all I know for sure is I cannot look into Sven's eyes until there is more there than the color of gray.

I want to see his sharp wit, his extreme intelligence. I want to know his mind his working, always thinking. I want to see him roll his eyes, when Lance says something stupid -

Lance. I ran back to the room when I made the decision to walk away from Sven's room, to not say goodbye to whatever it was that there in place of Sven while he fought to come back to us. I pray he's fighting to come back to us. I ran back to Lance, I'd been gone too long, I needed to reassure myself he was still breathing.

I made too much noise when I clamored into the room, Allura shot awake. Her face directed at the door and she gave me a sleepy look of concern but said nothing. I realized I should let her know what was happening with Sven and Romelle. "Uh, Romelle is taking Sven to Pollux, they leave soon," I remembered the key to blue lion was in my pocket, I'd taken it from Coran to give back to her permanently. I pulled it out and held out it.

Allura stood up, she wavered where she was for a moment looking at Lance, then at my hand, then the door. She sighed, walked over to me and took the key. "Thank you," she said. "I'm coming back," she added and she walked out of the door.

I had expected her to return, she only left at night when Nanny came in and forced her to leave. I think she'd live here as I do if she could. I don't know when or how Lance got under her skin, or how deeply he burrowed under. With Allura it is hard to tell, she feels deeply in such an innocent way. It worries me, given who Lance is and how attracted I know he is to Allura and how different it is to his other attractions.

Allura is in a class of her own, however, maybe it's as simple as that... she's different to him because she's different. Unique, and special. She's special to me as well, in ways I've not figured out and have been purposely avoiding. One because she's still so young, she turned eighteen in two months; there are times when she feels years older and yet times when she feels years younger. Her life has been so sheltered and in complete contrast filled with blood and loss.

I wonder sometimes at how she smiles with such ease.

I slip back into my chair and I let me hand hover over Lance's bare chest. His body heat waved against the skin of palm, I watched it raise and fall and counted the breaths to ease my mind. He was breathing, on his own, he was here in this room with me. Lance was alive, he'd stay alive because Lance didn't give up anything without a fight.

A wound to his stomach, losing so much blood, pushing himself to hard to make sure none of the rest of us died in the battle... that wasn't going to take him out. No, he'd rather die in some suicide run in a no win battle situation trying to change the tide to a win. He'd told me that more than once. His dream death, going out on in blaze of heroic crazy glory.

What he'd done this time around, it wasn't good enough even it'd been damn heroic as it was stupid. Flying the way he had with a hole in his stomach, not telling any of us how hurt he'd been from when Sven crashed Red.

All. My. Fault.

My hand was wavering, wanting to touch him, touch his skin, so I pulled it away and boughed my head and wished I knew how to open my mouth and just say words. Lance could do that, Allura knew how but it wasn't something I was blessed with. So, I sat and wished for his eyes to open and for him to croak out something about how awesome he is.

~~.~~

Allura

I fell asleep a second time, after saying goodbye to Romelle, and telling her I had a faith that with her care and her love that Sven would find his way to himself and to her. I hope he will also find his way back to Keith and Lance. They both need him, watching the three of them while Sven was walking around broken was heartbreaking to see.

But this isn't to be a heartbreaking entry, it's to be a wonderful one because the best thing that could happen, happened today. Lance woke up, he woke up and he locked his eyes with mine and he asked me why I looked so sad.

I was asleep, like I explained. I haven't been sleeping well, being made to come back her and leave him. I keep thinking about him in that room, all the wires monitoring his life signs, all the doctors saying the longer he's out the worse of a sign it is.

I kept trying to ignore it, I kept telling myself he is healing, he is resting... he was exhausted emotionally and for all I knew physically before the accident. He was arguing with Keith everyday and I knew it was about Sven. They both thought they were doing the right thing and Arusian Gods, why did Lance have to be proven right by falling in a battle? He has a battle still, an uphill climb before they'll let him out of the bed, out of the ICU. He fell back asleep so quickly, but he'd woken up and I saw a spark of life come back into Keith's eyes as well.

His hand moved in my hair, it's what woke me, I felt hair fall against my cheek, movement that shouldn't be there. A press against my scalp and I lifted my head up and realized Lance had his hand in my hair and my eyes widened. He was looking right at me and he opened his mouth, closed it and then licked his lips and opened it again. "Why do you look so sad?" he asked, his voice was so low, rough and I heard Keith gasp at the sound of Lance's voice.

"You're hurt," I told him.

"That would explain why I feel like Voltron stepped on me," he muttered, and he seemed to try to move.

Keith touched him for the first time since the accident then, hands lightly on Lance's shoulders. "Don't move, your stomach was shredded you'll bust the stitches," he ordered. "Allura get Gorma," he said.

I slowly sat up fully, Lance's hand fell off my head as I rose off his chest. I let go of his other hand the one that was tight in my grip He looked at me again and he shook his head. "Gripping me pretty tight there, Allura."

I blushed, fresh out of a coma and he was already making things sound shameful. I held his gaze those, noticing he was fighting to keep his eyes open. "I wanted you to know you weren't alone," I explained. "I won't be gone long, I promise," I added, as I turned to go find Dr. Gorma and tell him his patient was awake.

"Keith, man, you look worse than I fucking feel," I heard Lance say as I left the room.

Keith laughed. It was low and it wasn't as cheery as his real laugh but it was the first laugh I'd heard since Sven's return. It dawned on me then that Keith hadn't laughed or smiled since before the accident, and he's been worse since Lance's fall. Sven and his situation was important to Keith in a way I hadn't understood, and I may never. But maybe now he'll sleep in his own bed, get some real food in his stomach and start taking care of himself. Maybe he'll forgive himself for Lance. I don't think Lance will blame him at all for the accident.

I need to apologize to him myself, I never should have blamed himself. It was wrong of me and I know it. Sven is his friend and they were all, the four of them trying to make the best of a horrible situation. They were trying to support their friend, the best they knew how especially Lance and Keith - and they disagreed about how. They disagree a lot, except when they agree completely. It's something I've noticed about Lance and Keith. They are either in perfect sync or in complete discord.

I find myself unable to sleep again but this time it is because Lance has been awake. He's squeezed my hand back when I've squeezed his. He asked me if I'd be there again tomorrow and I promised I would be. I wouldn't be anywhere else. Gorma, said Lance has along way to go but now that is out of the coma he's on his way to a full recovery. I want to go back to his room, in case he wakes up again during the night but I know Nanny has stationed guards between there and here to inform on me if I try. It might be worth the risk, maybe she'll allow me to stay because of the happy news. Nanny's a softy at heart. But the thing is I know Keith is there, he won't leave him so soon, I'm sure.

I think I should give those two time alone.