Six

Lance

I'll probably say it eventually. I told you so, Keith. Hell, knows when I'm right I tend to gloat. Doesn't seem to come around that often that I'm on the nose, bullseye right, you know. I like to bang my chest and crow when it happens, boast at bit, gloat, and grin. If anything it gets me laid. Not that I have issues with that...

I know how get myself laid.

But back to Keith, I can't do it. Not when he's a walking around with with Sven and Me sitting on his shoulders, slapping him in the ass with a lash. And I don't mean that in the kinky fun way, you know. Keith's punishing himself, blaming himself and hell, my voice is probably in his head on a loop. I said more than once something like this could happen, I have to say though I didn't think it would be me. Hell, I thought it be Keith in the ICU.

Sven would crash, he'd be messy in a fight and he'd go down and Keith would go down after him, run into fire or something to save Sven's ass, or fly into danger that even I would heistate on because Sven miscalculated during a battle. Sven's been making tiny slips, each battle, little ones - no one else would notice but me and Keith. Keith refused to note them even when I shouted them into Keith's face.

He loved Sven once, I mean I know he got over him but I guess what they say is true. You don't get over that first love. Not really - hell if I know. I don't know if I have first love, hell for all I know it could be Keith. Or, Allura... but that's another topic all on it's own, isn't it?

I remember what happened, we used Keith's new formation the damn robeast was tailor made for it, and it would have worked, for maxium damage on the damn pig faced mother fucker if Sven hadn't shot off all his weapons early. I don't know what happened in the cockpit of Blue Lion, I only care as in I'm afraid for the guy - He's my friend, he was rock steady, in some ways he's always been more steady and reliable than even Keith for me. He's Sven and I could talk to him about anything and everything and not worry about any sexual bullshit getting in the way. He was immune to my charms, hell I was immune to his too. It was nice. I guess if anything he's my real best friend. I say it's Keith, but can it be Keith when he and I have been fucking on and off for - shit, I don't want to add up the years, make me feel old and I ain't even pushing thirty. We were barely seventeen when met, but damn that was a great first night. Never thought the guy still be in my life, much less so important.

Sven though, once he and I connected it made sense to me to count on him as a buddy, a friend, someone to just drink with and talk about girls, hockey, and nothing. We spent hours doing it when Keith would be studying, his nose stuck in a book, and we watched crap ass action films and go out seeing which one of us could get a girls number first.

It's how I knew he was in love with Romelle. I'd heard about all his crushes all through the Academy; he never dared talk about them except in passing to Keith out of respect. But I heard all the details, all the little things about them that drove him crazy, that he hated, that he loved. I knew the varying degrees. I knew his first love, and I know why it all fell apart. It was then he got why Keith took their falling out so hard, why it took him so long to be okay with it - Sven would look at me for months after that break up and go: How can Keith be friends with me after all of that? I couldn't do it? I can't see her again. I see her with another man, I'd kill them both.

Knowing the guy, I can see it. I told him Keith didn't want to let him go so he held on and ended up keeping him in his life as a friend. It wasn't deep it, it just was. Hell, I've remained friends with plenty of the people I've slept with. Men and women, the sex stops but we all still get along. Though, I guess if you were never in love with them the situation might be different...

What do I know?

The thing is Keith, I thought he'd get himself killed trying to hold on to Sven, again. To keep around because he didn't want to let him go. Because Keith takes failure seriously and I knew he felt he'd failed Sven when Sven got injured. Didn't matter I was the one who ran off after the cat, I was the one who Haggar attacked in the first place...

Fuck. Sven came in to protect me and his entire life was upended while I was gone to get Keith. A lot of this, is my fault. I wake up still from nightmares of that day. How stupid we all were to have our guard so down, how dumb I was to run after that cat, to leave Sven alone with that witch. His blood on my hands, so much of it seeping into the dirt.

He's physically fine, he healed but he ended up on Doom, alone, hiding in the dark, and the psychological damage, where his head has gone. I don't... He wasn't Sven, you couldn't hold a conversation with him. He didn't look between me and Keith cut our bullshit down to size. He didn't once look at me and actually tell me he was in love with Romelle, or anything about her. I just knew from knowing him - and eavesdropping. It was the only time his damn voice sounded right, well as right as that damn accent of his can sound.

I'd sit outside control and listen to him talk to her, to hear him sound like Sven for twenty minutes, hell it was wrong and intrusive but it was the only time my friend was close to okay. It wasn't enough. So I kept yelling at Keith and Keith just got more rigid in his own stance and I couldn't get to him back down, to see reason and maybe I should've known better...

But hell I was scared. For Sven, afraid Keith would hurt himself by holding on too tight. IN a way I'm glad I'm the one who got shot down except for the damn fact Keith's punishing himself for me and Sven now.

His eyes are darker than dark, he looks like he's barely slept, he's not eating much, I can tell. He's in my room more than he's anywhere else in the Castle but he barely talks to me, not that I'm awake much. I can't seem to stay awake to long, hell my eyes are already fighting me and I just picked up the pen what fifteen minutes ago?

I gotta get out of this bed, I need to get into physical therapy, get my strength back up. Back into Red Lion. I'm going stir crazy here, the only bright spot is Allura. She comes in with movies, when she gets a chance. Cards, games, she tells me all the Castle gossip, and I could just lay here and stare at her all day. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and it's not... It's her. I don't know what she does to me.

But it's not enough to distract me from Keith, on the other side of the bed, making sure I don't strain myself too much when she's around. That I eat enough when he's eating barely anything himself and I can't nag him in front of Allura. She yells at him but he ignores her, I can tell it pisses her off. Those blue eyes of hers can storm, I tell you. She usually leaves after having yelled at him four times...

I think it's so she won't cross some Princess line she believes she can't cross - Propietry or whatever. I wonder what kind of girl she'd be if she hadn't been bred to be so damn proper, sometimes. I see fire in her. I want light it up.

Keith orders me to not even entertain that thought, even now, when he's self-punishing himself over me being in the ICU, when he sees my eyes on her retreating eyes he mumbles. "Stop thinking it, McClain."

I guess it's wrong but hell, she's amazing...Where was I? Yeah, the idiot leader of our team.

I want to shake him but hell I don't have the strength back yet. Gorma says I'm getting there, he said in another week we'll start physical therapy and move me out of the ICU. I say thank god, but it's not fast enough. Keith looked relieved but impatient too as Gorma was talking, then he sat back down in that chair and glanced at me, his hand coming up then falling down.

He wants something he's not saying, or wants to do something he's not doing. I need to talk with him, but the thing is I'm not that great at talking with a person. At them sure, talking them into something, great. With them? I don't know but I got him to hear me say I don't blame him. I got say to him that I don't think he was wrong for wanting to help Sven, it was all I was trying to do too. We both wanted to do what was right... And hell, I do want to tell him I told you so... on how Sven screwed up but I doubt I will. At least not until I'm back flying, I don't think he can stand to hear it until then. I don't think I could stand to see the look in his eyes might be if I said it now - I feel like Keith may be near a breaking point.

And Hell. Arus needs him whole. I need him whole and I think I'm the only one who can make sure he gets back to it. Being Keith, the man he's supposed to be, not the guy punishing himself by my bed. I just...fuck. How the hell do I do it?

~~.~~

Keith watched Allura leave. He knew he had no reason to stay in Lance's room, Lance was asleep and Keith had paperwork to do; training exercise recordings with Hunk and Pidge he should review but he didn't want to leave. He looked at Lance, now that he'd awoken from the coma his sleep seemed much more restful. There was a peace on his face that hadn't been there before, Keith hoped it meant Lance was in far less pain. He hadn't complained about being stomped on by Voltron in the last three days.

Lance's hair needed to be cut, he'd been in the ICU almost a month and Lance kept his hair a certain length. His bangs were getting unruly and were over his eyes now as he slept. Keith wanted to reach out and push them out of the way, his hand came up but hovered. He couldn't do it, in fact the only time he seemed to be able to touch Lance was when he felt Lance was about to try to jump out of the bed. The damn man had tried to do so over five times already, impatient, tired of being stuck in bed, wanting to try to walk, and wanting to not pee through a tube. Keith couldn't bring himself to do it his guilt screaming at him that he had no right. He started to move his hand away, only to have Lance's right hand snap up and grab his wrist.

"Fooled you," Lance said a cheeky grin on his face.

Keith rolled his eyes and used all his training to hide his reaction to feeling Lance's calloused palm, hot against the skin of his right wrist. "Why were you pretending to be asleep?"

"So you'd almost touch me," Lance said, keeping his hold on Keith, but carefully moving himself up into a less slumped sitting position then he'd fallen into during Allura's visit. "Been trying to figure out a way to get you stop, stopping yourself. Figured, I'd just make you do it," Lance said. He took Keith's hand and pressed it against his chest. Lance was wearing an old academy shirt of his that still fit his lanky form, of course, thought it was tighter across his chest in a way that wasn't bad on Keith's eyes at all. Keith closed his eyes as his palm hit the cotton and under the threadbare cotton he felt heat and Lance's pounding heartbeat.

"Feel that. Alive."

Keith blinked and tears fell. "You..." he opened them and glared at Lance. "You had rip in your stomach from being rammed against the steering controls in the crash Lance. Why didn't you tell us you were too hurt to fly?"

"Uh, big giant Robeast, we needed to form Voltron. I was holding it togther all right. And I knew if I passed out while we formed you'd be able to handle things from Black."

"Then why after we won, and separated did you still not say a thing?"

"Uh, cause I was about too when I passed out. I kind of misjudged my timing on that," Lance shrugged. "But hey it worked out. Where did I crash, I tried to aim for the lake just before the spots took completely over."

Keith rolled his eyes.

"Fuck yeah, I landed in the lake. I rule! Otherwise I would have crashed in the volcano. Getting to me would've been a bitch."

Keith shivered at the thought, all the lions could go into the water for a fairly long period of time. None of them could handle the temperature of lava for over a minute except for Red Lion. He pressed his palm more firmly against Lance's heart since Lance had his hand trapped there. "I..." he started.

"You apologize for something that was beyond your control, stuck in this bed or not, I'm going to kick your ass!"

"You..."

"What, you don't think I could kick your ass?" Lance asked, challenging Keith to dare tell him what he really thought on the subject.

Keith sighed, rolled his eyes and found himself laughing. "We always end up in fucking draw, I don't know how you do it. I should be able to kick your ass in a matter of seconds. You have no form."

"I've got panache."

"Is that what you call it?"

"Sometimes. Sometimes I call it charm."

Keith shook his head. "Lance, you were right all along."

Lance shrugged. "He's with Romelle right?"

Keith nodded. "I, she showed up right after the accident. She flew over here against the wishes of her brother, her advisors. She it all set up with the Polluxian doctors, she wanted him with her. I... I let her take him, I kept hearing you in my head, I couldn't stop hearing you in my head. I fucking hate it when you're right."

"You were right too," Lance said, low and quiet.

"What?" Keith stared at Lance, into eyes that were brown and green at the moment and shook his head in shock. "How, how did i do anything right for Sven?"

"You listened to what he wanted. He asked to come back here, to be with us. He wanted to try, you gave him that chance. Maybe it was a dumb move...but Keith you stood by him when I wasn't, when no one else would've. It meant something, trust me."

Keith looked away and stared at the wall. Lance's heartbeat was still throbbing against his palm, a healthy steady count that Keith could close his eyes and let himself get lost in for a moment. He turned back and met Lance's gaze. "You don't blame me?" he whispered.

"Hell, no," Lance said. "I'm glad it wasn't you. I thought...I thought it be you. When I was shouting that someone was going to get hurt, I thought it'd be you and Sven. Not me and him. I'm..." Lance looked away this time. "I'm glad it wasn't you."

Keith was shocked, that was insanity. He shook his head and leaned forward, his left hand touching Lance's right cheek. Lance had shaved earlier in the morning but it was late at night now, a slight stubble had formed and it felt bristly but right against Keith's hand. Lance should be a bit coarse he thought, idly. "I would rather it had been me," he said.

"You're an idiot."

"You're the one happy it was you."

"Hell, no. I didn't say I was happy it was me. I just said I was glad it wasn't you. I much rather it'd been Hunk or Pidge." Lance winked.

It sounded sincere Lance had a way of making the crap that came out of his mouth sound true but Keith knew it was lie. Lance would put himself back in a coma before letting anyone else get hurt. Keith laughed and before he even thought about not doing it he was kissing Lance.

Lance kissed him back full throttle. The hand trapping Keith's at his heart moved to the back of Keith's head, into his hair and pushed him more into Lance's mouth. Lance's tongue dove down his throat, Keith groaned and then sucked his whole mouth around it, sucking on Lance's tongue for full ten seconds before freeing it. Lance grinned as they broke apart for breath for a second and then were kissing again, Keith climbing onto the bed, his hands suddenly everywhere, pushing at Lance's shirt, trying to get it off. It wasn't until Lance let out an involuntarily moan of pain rather than pleasure that Keith moved back, met Lance's eyes and they both sighed.

Lance brought up his own hands and carefully pulled his shirt back down over his chest and stomach where the bandage covering the forty-two fine stitches to the left to the left of his stomach. An almost straight vertical slash through his abdominals that led down further, Keith though stopped Lance's hands and peered at it. He had to make sure they hadn't pulled the stitches or done any harm.

"That was stupid," Keith muttered.

"I'm happy to know my cock still works," Lance said grinning from ear to ear. "When I'm back in shape, man, you owe me."

Keith grinned, leaned forward and kissed Lance's mouth one more time in quick kiss. "I promise," he said. "Um, I'm going take off, I have some things I should do."

"Good. Eat something will you and go to bed before midnight too, cause really man, I only made out with you cause I know you're a hot. But for real, you look like shit."

Keith frowned, touched his air and shook his head. "Get some sleep, maybe you'll wake up with a better personality."

"You think I'm awesome."

"Whatever," Keith said, looking back before leaving the room to watch Lance settle down into a comfortable sleeping position. He didn't know how his friend had done it, how Lance had managed it but he'd taken a weight off of Keith's shoulders with one short conversation. He remembered the promise he'd made to Lance before he woke up not to take him for granted any longer. Keith promised himself again that he wasn't going to take Lance for granted, as he turned off the light in the room and left it for the first time since Lance woke up before one in the morning.