TRIGGER WARNING: The following chapter contains attempted suicide. There's a spot leading up to it, so you can skip over it if you need to. Don't say I didn't warn you, though. Happy reading!
Glee – New Directions: Underdogs Once Again
Pain
Kourtney sat on the bench during Cheerios practice. She had shown up late due to having to throw up before practice. She sighed. Coach Sylvester would soon return with an appropriate punishment. She was worried about this fact. Coach Sylvester was always extremely cold with punishment.
"Okay, Bile Breath, here's your punishment. You are to sort through these extremely dirty Cheerio uniforms. If any have holes, throw them away. If any are stained to death by wretched menstrual blood, put it in a pile to BURN. And finally, ones that can be saved are to go into a third pile," Sue explained behind Kourtney. She dropped three big bags full of old uniforms. Kourtney cringed.
"Alright…I'll get right to it," she muttered. Sue walked away. Kourtney quickly began sorting. It was gross, but she liked it better than practicing a cheer routine at that moment. She'd been feeling sluggish and nauseous a lot lately, and a routine would make it worse.
"Aww…poor Kourtney went bulimic. She must have finally noticed her rippling rolls of fat," a Cheerio insulted in front of her. Kourtney looked up.
"Please go away, Camryn. I know you just transferred here this year and you're bottom of the pyramid, but that doesn't mean you have to give me crap every day. Same goes for that friend of yours coming over," Kourtney retorted. Camryn smirked.
"Well, at least I'm not ashamed of my body. Then again, if I had yours, I'd be ashamed of all that cellulite. It's gross," she insulted more. Kourtney looked down, poking at her stomach.
"OMG, it's the most disgusting thing ever! Look at how it jiggles as she pokes it!" one of Camryn's friends shrieked. Kourtney immediately stopped. She blinked a couple tears away.
"I'm not fat…I wish you two would stop telling me every day that I am…" Kourtney shakily replied.
"Aww look…she's gonna cry! Poor baby!" Camryn yelled, cackling. Stella walked over.
"Ehh, Lani. Camryn. Get back over here. The bottom calls," she demanded. They both rolled their eyes.
"Whatever. Let's get out of here, Cams" Lani said. They walked off, saying more choice things about Kourtney. Kourtney just returned to sorting, sucking every tear in.
Tate walked by on the football field, as it was also football practice. He could tell something was wrong with Kourtney, but was called back over by Coach Beiste before he could investigate. He glared. If anyone was messing with his Kourt-Kourt, he would have to do something serious.
"Okay, guys, so I decided to figure out what music everyone in here likes. That way no one gets neglected and this club stays happy! So, we will start off by exploring Shane's taste, which I have guessed is punk and emo rock!" Mr. Schuester announced, writing EMO on the board. Shane glared.
"I can't feel emotions, but I know I'm annoyed right now," he muttered. As he expected, Mr. Schuester ignored him.
"I'm expecting to hear some really emotional stuff. In fact, Shane, why don't you start us off?" he suggested. Shane smirked.
"Okay," he replied, going to the front of the room.
"Hello…is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there any one at home? Come on, now. I hear you're feeling down. Well, I can ease your pain, get you on your feet again. Relax. We need some information first, just the basic facts. Can you show me where it hurts? There is no pain; you are receding. A distant ship, smoke on the horizon. You are only coming through in waves. Your lips move, but I can't hear what you're saying. When I was a child, I had a fever. My hands felt just like two balloons. Now I've got that feeling once again. I can't explain, you would not understand. This is not how I am. I have become comfortably numb," Shane sang. Mr. Schuester stopped him.
"Shane, that's not what I had in mind. I mean emo music. Pink Floyd doesn't count," he explained. Shane rolled his eyes.
"Well, I'm rebelling. I'm not conforming to how you expect me to be or to what you expect me to sing," Shane complained.
"But I thought you'd like this!" Mr. Shuester argued. Shane smirked more.
"Well, too bad. Play again next time"
"Ehh, that's not fair! You never said more than three words to me!" Stella yelled.
"Shut up, Stella," Shane muttered. He sat back down. Mr. Schuester sighed.
"Well, let's see better things from the rest of you. Try some stuff like Evanescence or Three Days Grace," he suggested.
Dennis was the first to walk out of the Glee club room later that day. He felt awkward at the thought of the assignment. I feel like I'm living an emo life. I don't want this damn angst. I want to enjoy my teenage life. He walked to his locker and put his textbooks away. He closed it and sighed.
"If I just had to courage to tell James how I feel, I wouldn't be in such a rough moment. However, I'm not ready to come out just yet. Besides, I don't want to destroy my still growing friendship with James," he muttered to himself. He looked over to see Antonio and Romeo getting picked on by some jocks.
"I also want to avoid that. Staying closeted seems like it's better right now. It just hurts so god damn much. I'm a liar. I've become vicious. I'm even mean, now. I never used to be like this…but then puberty happened. Heh…then again, this pain is better than not feeling a single thing like Shane," Dennis continued to rant to himself.
"Pain, without love. Pain, I can't get enough. Pain, I like it rough cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all…" he sang. He walked down the hall as music began playing.
"You're sick of feeling numb. You're not the only one. I'll take you by the hand, and I'll show you a world that you can understand," Dennis sang, passing Shane. He looked at Kourtney, being picked on by Camryn and Lani.
"This life is filled with hurt when happiness doesn't work," he continued to sing, walking over to her and holding his hand out.
"Trust me and take my hand. When the lights go out, you will understand," he continued, and walked on.
"Pain, without love. Pain, I can't get enough. Pain, I like it rough cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. Pain, without love. Pain, I can't get enough. Pain, I like it rough cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all!" he sang more. He caught sight of Antonio and Romeo still getting bullied.
"Anger and agony are better than misery. Trust me, I've got a plan. When the lights go out, you will understand. Pain, without love. Pain, I can't get enough. Pain, I like it rough, cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. Pain, without love. Pain, I can't get enough. Pain, I like it rough, cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing…rather feel pain!" Dennis continued. He continued walking on.
"Pain, without love. Pain, I can't get enough. Pain, I like it rough, cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all…" he finished.
"That's it…I need to visit him…" Dennis muttered. He pulled out his phone and texted James.
-Dennis- James, can we get a coffee or something today?
After a few moments he got is reply.
-James- Sure thing, dude! I'll see you at the Lima Bean, then!
Dennis smiled. He might not be able to tell James how he really feels, but at least he could see him.
Stella stopped Shantel in the halls the next day. She smirked. Shantel glared.
"What do you want?" Shantel asked.
"So I hear you're dating some dude named Aiden," Stella answered. Shantel blushed.
"I'd prefer to call it a friendship that is blooming romantically. So what?"
"Well, I happened to figure out that Aiden kid replaced Romeo as the star of Vocal Adrenaline," Stella informed. Shantel blinked.
"Yeah, and? Tell me something I don't know," she retorted.
"You're a spy. Just wait until I tell everyone in glee club about this! You'll be thrown out for sure!" Stella threatened, laughing. Shantel glared.
"Up yours, Stella! I really don't care about your opinion! Leave me the hell alone!" she yelled, storming off.
"If you feel so empty, so used up, so let down. If you feel so angry, so ripped off, so stepped on. You're not the only one refusing to back down. You're not the only one, so get up! Let's start a riot, a riot! Let's start a riot!" Shantel transitioned into the choir room, singing the song in front of everyone.
"Let's start a riot, a riot! Let's start a riot! If you feel so empty, so used up, so let down! If you feel so angry, just get up! Let's start a riot…a riot…let's start a riot…Let's start a riot! A riot! Let's start a riot! Let's start a riot! A riot! Let's start a riot! A riot! Let's start a riot! A riot! Let's start a riot! Let's start a riot! A riot! Let's start a riot!" She finished. She sat down, smiling at the applause.
"Now that's a great example of what I want to see! Kudos, Shantel! Now does anyone else have a song today?" Mr. Schuester asked. Mimi raised her hand. She dragged Shane down in front with her.
"I have one. I'm singing 'Bring Me to Life,' and I have Shane to help me sing it. Partly because I needed a male part, and partly because he needed redemption for yesterday," Mimi said. The music began.
"How can you see into my eyes, like open doors? Leading you down into my core, where I become to numb. Without a soul…my spirit sleeping somewhere cold! Until you find it there and lead…it…back…home…" Mimi sang.
"Wake me up!" Shane yelled.
"Wake me up inside!"
"I can't wake up!"
"Wake me up inside!"
"Save me!"
"Call my name and save me from the dark!"
"Wake me up!"
"Bid my blood to run!"
"I can't wake up!"
"Before I come undone!"
"Save me!"
"Call my name and save me from the nothing I've become! Bring me to life…"
"I've been living a lie! There's nothing inside!"
"Bring me to life…Frozen inside without your touch, without your love, darling! Only you are the life among the dead!" Mimi sang.
"All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see, kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me!" Shane sang.
"I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems! Got to open my eyes to everything!" Mimi sang.
"Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul…there must be something more!" Shane sang.
"Bring me to life!" Mimi sang.
"Wake me up!" Shane yelled.
"Wake me up inside!"
"I can't wake up!"
"Wake me up inside!"
"Save me!"
"Call my name and save me from the dark!"
"Wake me up!"
"Bid my blood to run!"
"I can't wake up!"
"Before I come undone!"
"Save me!"
"Call my name and save me from the nothing I've become! Bring me to life…"
"I've been living a lie! There's nothing inside!"
"Bring me to life!" Mimi finished. The class applauded as they sat down.
"I take it that's all for today! In that case, I'll see what you guys have for me tomorrow!" Mr. Schuester said.
The next day, Tate wandered through the halls, too caught up in his own thoughts to attend Glee club. He didn't have the heart to go. He was too concerned about Kourtney. He had barely heard from her the past few days. When he caught glimpses of her, she looked pained. She'd been more fatigued and nauseous, and he knew it couldn't just be from Coach Sue's Master Cleanse, for she didn't drink that crap. Lani and Camryn walked by Tate, laughing.
"Hey, did you hear Tate's pregnant girlfriend crying in the girls' bathroom?" Camryn asked.
"Oh, yeah! It's so pathetic! Who would have thought finding out she was pregnant would make her act so drastically. Oh my, did you see the blade she brought in with her?" Lani asked. Camryn laughed.
"She wasn't very discreet, now was she?" the two walked off, laughing. Tate stopped dead in his tracks. His fear spiked with his adrenaline. He began rushing through the halls, searching for the restroom that Kourtney was in.
"Dammit, don't do anything stupid, Kourtney!" he yelled.
Kourtney held her blade up in front of her face. She looked at her reflection, releasing more sobs. I'm so ugly…so worthless…I'm fat, stupid…Camryn and Lani were right…I don't deserve to breathe the same air as them…or anyone for that matter. She broke down over the sink in more sobs. She pressed the blade against her wrist, feeling better with every drop of crimson liquid dripping into the sink.
"I tried to kill the pain, but only brought more! So much more…I lay dying! And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal! I'm dying! Praying! Bleeding! And screaming! Am I too lost to be saved? Am I too lost? My god, my tourniquet! Return to me salvation! My god, my tourniquet! Return to me salvation!" Kourtney sang. She made another shallow cut, more tears dropping from her eyes and mixing with the blood.
"Do you remember me? Lost for so long…will you be on the other side? Will you forget me? I'm dying! Praying! Bleeding! And screaming! Am I too lost to be saved? Am I too lost? My god, my tourniquet! Return to me salvation! My god, my tourniquet! Return to me salvation!" Kourtney screamed. She positioned the blade to make one final cut down the river.
"My wounds cry for the grave! My soul cries for deliverance! Will I be denied? Christ! Tourniquet! My suicide…" Kourtney choked out. Once she was sure her calculations were correct, she raised her arm and quickly rammed it toward her wrist. She felt the blade go through skin, but there was no pain. She opened her eyes in shock. Tate had caught the blade with his bare hand.
"Tate! What the hell! Just let me die! Let me die, dammit!" she cried out. Tate shook his head.
"Call me selfish, but I can't live with you dead. I love you, and I love our unborn child. Like I'd let you take away two lives in one blow," Tate explained, nodding his head towards her stomach. Kourtney looked shocked.
"How did you find out about my pregnancy?" she asked as Tate began tearing cloth from his shirt and wrapping it firmly around her open wounds.
"A couple of bitchy Cheerios were talking about it. Had it not been for those two twats, I wouldn't have found you in time. I'm glad I wasn't a second too late," he explained, tying fabric layer by layer around her wrists.
"I see…they must have heard when I was asking Lei and Shantel for advice on what to do about the baby…" Kourtney muttered. Tate gave her a soft smile.
"What do you want to do?" he asked.
"I want to raise it with you…but I wasn't sure if you'd fly with that," she answered. Tate kissed her forehead.
"Are you kidding? It's my child, too! I want to be there for you…raise it with you…marry you…you just have no idea how much I love you," he said, wiping the tears off her face with a damp paper towel. Kourtney sniffled.
"I love you too, Tate!" she cried, throwing arms around him. Tate chuckled.
"Go ahead and cry…get all those emotions out. I have a place to take you once you're more emotionally stable," he informed.
"The nurse's office?" Kourtney guessed.
"That can wait a bit. I'm taking to you the Glee club. You need to be a part of a club that focuses on happiness and friendship, not one that makes you upset. I know you were hesitant at the beginning of the year, but it's really fun! Also, Lei, Shantel, and Amber are in there!" Tate explained. Kourtney smiled a bit.
"I guess I can give it a try…" she gave in. Tate smiled joyfully.
"Great! You ready to go?"
"Yeah…I'm stable now"
"Awesome!" Tate exclaimed, holding her hand. He led her to the Glee club room. He entered to see Mr. Schuester leaning over the piano and looking at sheet music. Everyone was talking about random crap. Tate dragged Kourtney in. Lei and Shantel were the first to notice. They gasped as they saw Kourtney's wrists.
"Mr. Schue? I have a someone that want to join," Tate stated. Mr. Schuester looked up at him.
"That's great, Tate. Does she have an audition ready?" he asked. Tate glared.
"No, but she doesn't need one. You've heard her sing. Besides, she needs to be in here. It'll save her from the Cheerios and herself," Tate muttered. Mr. Schue nodded, as he got the picture.
"Alright, then…Kourtney, right? Come with me," he said, leading her to the front of the room.
"We have a new member of the Glee club, it seems," Mr. Schuester announced.
"The amazing Kourtney Marshall!" Tate yelled, clapping happily. Kourtney and Tate sat down together. Kourtney cuddled up to Tate. He put his arm around her. Amber smiled, sitting beside her.
"Hey, Kourtney. It's been a while. I guess this means you're leaving the Cheerios, too?" Amber asked.
"Hell yeah. I've had enough of it. Besides, Sue wouldn't be happy with me right now," Kourtney answered. Amber quirked an eyebrow.
"Oh? And why is that?"
"I…I'm pregnant…" Kourtney announced, smiling.
"Well, um…congratulations! By the way, I have a first aid kit with me. I live in Lima Heights, so I carry it around just in case…would you like me to clean up your wounds?" Amber offered. Kourtney nodded.
"I'd like that…" she said. Amber immediately began treating them. Antonio and Romeo looked over and smiled. They raised their hands.
"Mr. Schue, we're ready to do our assignment," Romeo stated.
"That's great, you two. Go ahead and perform it," Mr. Schuester permitted. Romeo and Antonio went to the front of the room.
"We wanted to dedicate this song to Kourtney, by the way," Antonio said.
"I want you to know that I love the way you laugh. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away. I keep your photograph, and I know it serve me well. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain," Romeo sang.
"Because I'm broken, when I'm lonesome, and I don't feel right, when you're gone away," Antonio and Romeo sang together.
"You've gone away; You don't feel me here anymore…" Romeo sang.
"The worst is over now, and we can breathe again! I wanna hold you high; you steal my pain away! There's so much left to learn," Antonio sang.
"And no one left to fight!" they sang together.
"I wanna hold you high and steal your pain!" Antonio sang.
"Cause I'm broken, when I'm open, and I don't feel like I am strong enough! Cause I'm broken, when I'm lonesome, and I don't feel right, when you're gone away! Cause I'm broken, when I'm lonesome! And I don't feel right when you're gone…you've gone away!" they sang together.
"You don't feel me here anymore…" Romeo finished.