Author's Note: the chapter you've all been waiting for!

Julie turned up on Gill's doorstep at the exact time she had been requested. Usually work got in the way and she ended up anything up to an hour late. However, this time she felt that she should ensure she made it on time given the subject they were going to be discussing. On those rare occasions when she was ridiculously early, Julie would think nothing of coming round when she was ready. They had long since passed the point of being treated like guests and it wasn't unusual for Julie to help herself to tea and food from the fridge and vice-versa whenever Gill popped in on Julie.

"Hello." Gill opened her front door with a smile and immediately showed Julie inside.

"Hiya." Julie wasn't prepared for the feelings that overwhelmed her on sight of her best friend. They hadn't seen each other in over a week and hadn't spoken or texted in almost as long. She was uncharacteristically nervous and hadn't known whether to initiate a hug as would be their usual custom. Gill appeared to have a set agenda so Julie decided that she would just go with the flow. She had deliberately left the ball in Gill's court and she was determined that the younger woman took responsibility for the next step. They reached the living room and Gill gestured for Julie to sit on the settee.

"Do you want some tea, coffee or something stronger?" As much as Julie was gagging for something alcoholic after a long day at work and to settle her nerves, she had driven to Gill's house and needed to keep a clear head if she was expected to go home that same evening. Of course, Julie hoped that Gill would be inviting her to stay the night but she didn't want to presume anything at this early stage.

"Coffee's fine thanks." Gill disappeared off to the kitchen and left Julie to make herself even more nervous about the evening ahead of them. Nothing in Gill's body language gave Julie any indication as to where their relationship was heading. Gill was composed but Julie had expected that, she probably had a lot she wanted to talk about and had it all mapped out in her head.

Gill went to the kitchen, put on the kettle and filled up the percolator with fresh coffee. While she was waiting for the kettle to boil she took a few moments to collect herself. Since when had the real life Julie been so much more beautiful, solid and tempting than the Julie in her head the last few days? She'd resisted the urge to wrap her arms around the taller woman by way of greeting, knowing that it could end in a kiss and then who knew where that would lead? Gill had a plan of what she needed to discuss with Julie and how she was going to do it and she couldn't afford to be distracted from that path. The kettle clicked off and Gill poured the boiled water over the coffee grounds. She stirred the mixture before resting the plunger on top. Gill then fished around in her cupboards for some biscuits, caramel wafers would do, and placed them on a tray with cups, sugar, milk and spoons. It was all methodical, a diversion tactic so Gill didn't have to think too hard about what she was about to do. Finally the coffee was ready to serve and she couldn't put it off any longer. Gill picked up the tray and walked back into the living room.

"I heard you went to see Louise?" Julie began as Gill set out the coffee tray. Inwardly Gill was quite relieved that Julie had started on a subject away from the main reason she had been invited over. It meant that they could break the ice and get into the flow of how they used to talk as friends, before they'd crossed that invisible line.

"Yeah, I just felt it was something I had to do, for both of us. Of course she feels incredibly guilty for the way she'd left things between her and Helen before that day, even though it wasn't her fault. It must have been so difficult to have lived with someone who was so emotionally scarred like that and then to have it all come out the way that it did. They were already trying to deal with Helen's drink problem and the issues with prostitutes. Louise did what she felt was right at the time but it took some convincing for her to believe that." Gill poured out two cups of coffee and added a splash of milk and two sugars to Julie's, she'd always had her coffee exactly the same way since she'd known her. Except for when they went to a trendy coffee shop and Julie would indulge in one of those creamy latte things with some sickly sweet syrup or other. She didn't have much of a sweet tooth, apart from when it came to coffee.

"How has she been since Helen's death?" Julie took a moment to savour her coffee as she listened to Gill answer her question.

"She took it badly as you can imagine. Their last conversation hadn't exactly been the memory she'd wanted to take with her. I tried to offer what comfort I could but the reality of it was useless really. Helen wasn't exactly at her best when she kidnapped me. Louise couldn't have apologised enough but of course she had no reason to." Gill drank some of her dark, bitter coffee and remembered the conversation she'd had with Louise. They'd spoken freely and easily and Gill had felt that she was someone she instinctively liked. She was sure that Helen could have been someone just as lovely had she not been repressing so much pain from her childhood for so long.

"When's the funeral?"

"Next Wednesday. Of course there's no one on Helen's side but Louise has some family who got along well with her, at least before all of this happened anyway. Did you know they'd been together for nearly ten years?" Julie shook her head, she hadn't really known the details of Helen's personal life, she'd been more heavily involved with the case as a whole and of the murders on Peverel Street. "I asked Louise if it was okay for me to pay my respects and she seemed quite taken aback."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Julie wasn't, in fact she'd be pleased if Gill had nothing more to do with this case on both a personal and professional level.

"I want to. I feel no ill will towards Helen and I forgive her. I feel sorry for her, for them both, more than anything."

"You know the press might be all over it? We've managed to keep your name out of things so far but your anonymity might be compromised if you did go." The exact details of the whole event had been closely guarded to protect Gill over and above anything else. Julie had ensured it personally and spoken to everyone directly involved in the rescue operation, plus Gill's own team and everyone back at HQ. The Chief Constable had given his permission as well as his blessing, he knew Gill from way back, and everything had been arranged. Woe betide anyone who dared to snitch to the press on this particular occasion!

"I won't make myself known, only to Louise. I think I can get some sort of closure and start to move on after that." Julie nodded carefully, understanding where Gill was coming from but feeling uneasy about it anyway.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, I think it's best if I go alone. Thanks for the offer though." Julie smiled and nodded her head in understanding but was disappointed she wasn't needed for moral support.

"So, did the kids continue to behave themselves?" Gill laughed gently at the reference to Sammy and Orla. Really, they were too old to be 'kids' any longer but it had become an affectionate term for them as a couple since they'd been together.

"Yes, they've been very attentive, a bit too much at times! I've had to tell them to disappear for the odd afternoon as I needed some space. But they've been very good and surprisingly we've all had the chance to sit down and really talk about a few things; their plans for the future, Sammy's career, living arrangements that sort of thing. They're young but seem to have their heads screwed on the right way, god knows where Sammy got that from!" Julie chuckled along with Gill but she knew that Gill's guidance had been invaluable to the young couple. Dave was hardly in a position to give advice and his relationship with Sammy was still something that they were working on. Julie poured herself another cup of coffee and Gill put her own mug down to be refilled. "How's it been at HQ?" Gill had received several texts from Janet that Syndicate Nine was still in one piece. Rob seemed to be handling things well despite the fact that he was wet behind the ears. It helped that Janet and Rachel were back on speaking terms and that Kevin was out of the picture, Sean too if she thought about it. Gill would have loved to have seen the young Sergeant deal with that mess! But they didn't really know what went on elsewhere unless they were directly involved with it and Gill imagined that it had been a long week for Julie.

"Same old. More paperwork than I can handle and the usual officers who don't seem to know their arse from their elbow. I could really do with a DC to do all those little tasks that take up so much time."

"Have you asked?"

"More than once. Apparently I'd be creating an entirely new post and 'other DSI's seem to manage' so I can't justify it."

"Your hours must be through the roof?" They didn't work formal flexible working hours but it was a given that they could take time off in lieu of any extra hours worked above their contracted hours. Invariably, no one ever claimed anywhere near enough extra hours but it was useful now and then in any case.

"Tell me about it! And then they wonder why I can't take all my holiday and TOIL by the end of the year. Anyway, Karen wants a chat with you some time next week once you've had a couple of days back. Informally, just so that she's had an account first hand."

"I won't have to go through it all again will I?"

"No, she's already seen your statement. Actually, and don't quote me on this, I think she's genuinely concerned and just wants to see if you are alright. She seems to be a fan." Julie raised her eyebrows at the last part. There was something she personally found quite intimidating about the Assistant Chief Constable but somehow Gill didn't quite get the same vibe. Gill finished her coffee and put her mug down on the coffee table. There was an awkward lull in the conversation and Gill realised that now all the small talk had been dealt with, it was time to get to the heart of the matter. Her heart felt heavy and the tears began to threaten her composure.

"So…I've been thinking…about us." Gill's voice was already thick with the emotion and there was no way that Julie hadn't picked up on it, Detective Superintendent or not.

"Right." Julie was cautious and allowed Gill time to have her say. Gill's throat became choked and she couldn't stop the tears from falling.

"I do love you Julie, of that I'm sure. And I don't regret that we slept together, not for a single second, I'm very glad we did." Julie's face remained neutral however she could tell that there was a 'but' hanging in the air between them. Her heart sped up and she fought hard to get her emotions under control in anticipation of what was to come. "But I don't think I can give you what you want or need. I'm not ready for a long-term committed relationship. I've been there before and I'm not sure I want to go back again. Starting something with you could be a knee-jerk reaction to everything that's happened and you deserve better than that. I'd hate for us to struggle and then lose any friendship we did have completely over time." Gill stopped talking as she'd come to the end of her rehearsed speech.

"Can't we just take it one day at a time? See how it goes, no pressure or promises?" As much as she'd tried not to, Julie couldn't keep the desperation out of her voice. Now that Gill had acknowledged she felt the same way, she knew that that they'd be good for each other, that they could make it work. Gill shook her head sadly.

"There's always going to be pressure on us, our jobs for a start and then our

families, friends, colleagues. We'd be constantly explaining and justifying ourselves to people and that's just too hard. I don't think I can cope with it right now." A couple of tears broke free from Julie's eyes as her heart broke a little more. As much as she wanted to stay and fight it out with Gill she had to acknowledge that she'd been given time to think about it and this was clearly the decision that she'd made. As disappointed as she was, it wouldn't have been fair to put more pressure on her best friend. As least she hoped she was still her friend after this.

"What do we do now?"

"We're friends, you're my best friend, so we carry on as before. I know it might be a bit strange at first but we've already been through so much together over the years and I don't want to lose you. I still need my best friend he to cajole me, throw insults at me and from time to time push me when I need a kick up the backside." Julie nodded thoughtfully, already knowing in her heart of hearts that they wouldn't quite be able to go back to the way things were before.

"Okay." Julie gave Gill a watery smile, the expression on her face betraying her best efforts to keep herself together.

"I am sorry. If I thought…"

"Don't Gill; you don't need to keep explaining, I understand." Gill nodded slowly. She'd wanted to keep justifying herself out loud, hoping that eventually it would make some sort of sense to herself if she did. "I should be going." Julie stood up from the settee and picked up her bag from the floor next to it. She made her way out to the hallway and Gill followed closely behind. Both women were right at the very edge of the control they had over their emotions.

"I love you." Gill blurted out with a quiver to her voice. Julie wrapped her arms around the smaller woman and they held each other tightly.

"I love you too, you soppy cow." They both relished the embrace; the light smell of each other's perfume warmed by their skin during the day and the feel of the other's body pressed against their own. They both cried softly with the weight of the atmosphere on their shoulders. Gill pulled back a little and leaned up to kiss Julie. It was firm and full of the words she couldn't say but Julie seemed to understand and kissed her back. It didn't last long and as Julie extricated herself from Gill's arms the tension between them grew even thicker. Julie reached up and opened the front door herself. She and Gill shared a long look between them, full of sorrow and heartache before Julie felt something inside of her break completely. She had to get out of there before she made more of a fool of herself than she had done already.

"Goodbye Gill."

"Bye."

Julie pulled her car out of Gill's driveway and turned onto the road. She glanced back towards the house and saw the slither of light from the hallway disappear as Gill closed the door behind her. Julie just about made it a couple of roads away before she had to pull over and let the wracking sobs that had been threatening take over. Her heart physically burned with the pain of what was never to be and the fear that despite their promises not to, she had just lost her best friend. She had understood Gill's reasons and agreed for the most part, it just didn't make it any easier to deal with. Julie took a couple of deep shaky breaths and wiped her tear stained face with her hand before continuing her journey home where she would probably break down all over again and several more times before the night was over.

Gill stood in the middle of her living room and stared off into the distance deep in thought about what had just happened. It had all sounded so logical and sensible in her head but when faced with the reality of saying the words and looking her best friend in the eye as she said them it proved too overwhelming. Her heart raced with a terrifying feeling of dread and her overriding thought was that she might have just made a mistake. The biggest mistake of her life. The more she thought about it, the more urgent the feeling became. Gill called after her best friend weakly knowing that she was long gone but feeling the need to try anyway. She called out again and rushed to the front door, flung it open and yelled into the evening sky that she was sorry and that she had changed her mind. She repeated herself over and over again before reality sank in and she finally realised that she had been too late. The decision had been made and she couldn't turn back time. Gill scrambled to get herself back inside the house as quickly as possible before she fell apart against the front door and cried harder than she had ever remembered doing so before.

Sammy put his key in the door to the home he shared with his mum and increasingly often, his fiancee Orla. He was excited after an induction day at Sedgley Park Training Centre and a couple of beers afterwards with some fellow students. He wanted to tell his mum all about it, hoping that it would make her proud and allay some of her fears about him becoming a police officer. He wasn't quite prepared for the sight that greeted him as he pushed open the door. Gill was slumped against the wall in the hallway with her head in her heads sobbing her heart out.

"Mum?! What's happened?" Sammy kicked the front door shut and crouched down to speak to his mother on her level.

"I sent her away." She muttered miserably under her breath.

"Who?" The teenager wasn't quite following his mum's trail of thought.

"Julie." Although he still didn't quite understand exactly what had happened he had a fair idea it was to do with their burgeoning relationship.

"Oh Mum!" Sammy wrapped his arms around distraught mother and let her cry on his shoulder. There would be time for explanations later but for now he just needed to comfort his mum for the second time in as many weeks.