Flashback

"I've been offered a secondment in London and I'm going to take it."

"London?"

"Yeah."

"How long?"

"Two years."

"Don't go."

"What have I got to stay for Gill?"

"Me?"

"Have I? Really?"

Gill's defensive stance had continued until Julie had mentioned the prospect of meeting someone new in London. She could have just about dealt with the thought of Julie temporarily living away from Manchester but her head was suddenly filled with visions of her coming back blissfully happy, arm in arm with someone lovely and beautiful and any love she once had for Gill a dim and distant memory. It wasn't that she didn't want Julie to be happy, of course she wanted that above all else, but it was the fact that Gill had pushed her so far away there was barely anything left between them. She couldn't let her go without at least trying one more time, it burned deep within her and she had to reach out to Julie, no matter how scared she was.

"I can't do this anymore; I miss you and the last thing I want is for you to leave. Can we…can we start again?" Julie noticed that Gill hadn't specifically said their friendship or their relationship and she had no idea what to think.

"I don't know, can we?" Gill needed to make her meaning clear to Julie if the older woman was to put her heart on the line one more time.

"If we're going to have this conversation please come and sit down." Gill indicated the space next to her on the settee. Julie was hesitant, standing with some distance between them had meant that she was in control. If she sat next to Gill she knew that she would find it harder to stand her ground. She gave in, as Gill knew she would, and perched herself on the edge of the sofa. There was no way that she was going to make herself comfortable. Julie turned her body towards Gill and waited for her to continue. "I know I've messed this up but it feels right, us, like it was always meant to be. Making love with you made me feel alive and loved in a way I haven't felt in a very long time. But I'm scared of giving all of myself to someone again, to someone who can ultimately destroy me." Julie had never heard Gill so small and uncertain and she cursed Gill's git of an ex-husband all over again for having left her with such deep-rooted scars.

"And you think I'm going to do that to you? How long have we known each other? And in all that time have I ever let you down? I know your history, I was there when it all fell apart so I'm the last person in the world who is going to put you through that again. Don't you think that I'm scared too? I've been in love with you for so long I can't remember what it's like not to be. I kept it to myself because I didn't want to destroy our friendship and the last few weeks have just gone to prove that I should have stayed quiet." Julie had always known that her feelings for Gill would cause her no end of trouble, she'd just assumed Dave's constant jibes and homophobia was the worst it could have been.

"It's not unwelcome, far from it. It's me, I keep buggering everything up and I don't know how to stop!" Gill threw her hands up in the air, emphasising her exasperation. She had understood that Julie was trying to keep some sort of invisible line between them but she was desperate not to let the older woman go. She reached out and caught Julie's hands in her own. She held on and squeezed gently, willing her love and her regret to seep through to her. "Please don't leave, I can't lose you. I want you in my life, I want everything you're offering me." Julie's heart ached at hearing those words from Gill and she fought hard to keep her hopes realistic. She turned their hands around so that she was now grasping Gill's, their fingers entwined.

"Tell me that you're serious. Tell me that you're not going to run away again? Because I don't think I'd be able to cope if you did." Julie's heart felt like it was beating out of her chest and she knew that she had let her emotions rule over her head, they always tended to whenever it came to Gill.

"I love you, I want to be with you, whatever it takes." Pained relief reflected in Julie's face as the last of her defences melted away.

"You know that you could ask me to walk over hot coals and I'd do it for you?" Julie had always felt that Gill could ask for the moon and she'd try and find a way of procuring it for her.

"I wouldn't ask."

"I know and that's the point. I need you to show me that this really is what you want. It will take effort from both of us to make this work." Julie had spent too many relationships being the one in control, being the responsible one, the one to drive it forward, the one to end it when it was clear it wasn't working. None of her previous lovers had ever stopped to think that sometimes she needed to let go herself, that she needed to be held, that she needed to be told she was loved and had her own fears and crises of self confidence too.

"So 'this' being an 'us'?" Gill asked tentatively but hopefully. Julie nodded her confirmation. "And you won't move to London?"

"I'm still going to London." At Gill's crestfallen look Julie explained. "I really do need a break from the stress at HQ and it will do me the world of good to have a change of scene. Perhaps it will do us both some good to spend a bit of time apart." Julie let go of Gill's hands and reached up to smooth back some of her hair behind her ear. She hoped it would offer some sort of comfort and affection without being too overt.

"But what about us?" Gill was confused, if Julie was willing to try again then why was she still running away to London?

"We can start slowly, rebuild our friendship before moving things on beyond that. If it's still something we both want then we'll be prepared to work for it. I know it's not what you want to hear but I've been hurt too and I need some time to heal."

"Ah, just the woman." Gill said to her longtime friend as she entered the ladies loos and caught her drying her hands on a couple of pieces of paper towel.

"Gill?" The woman in question made no move towards a cubicle and stood looking at her friend with a hesitant expression on her face.

"How about a drink after work tonight? I believe I have some apologising to do." It hadn't been Janet's fault that Gill had been so miserable lately and her friend had tried to offer a shoulder to cry on. After everything she had been through recently, Gill felt that she needed to make the effort to reach out to the few friends she did have, before they all started to run off to another city to get away from her.

"That's not necessary." Janet was always caught between being Gill's friend or subordinate, especially when in the middle of the working day. She didn't know what was appropriate for her friend to discuss with her sometimes.

"I think it is, along with an explanation for my unprofessional behaviour the last few weeks." Gill really didn't like bringing her personal troubles into the workplace but this thing with Julie had her at sixes and sevens and she didn't quite know how to right herself again.

"Really, it's none of my business." Janet was her usual forgiving self and Gill felt even more guilty for taking her for granted.

"Well, considering that you're my friend and as such expressed your concern for my well being I think it probably is your business. Besides, I want to talk to you about it." In fact she needed to talk to someone about it, her emotions had already got the better of her and she had to get herself back on track.

"Okay, apology accepted and I would like to catch up over a drink tonight." Janet smiled brightly and Gill was relieved that she hadn't managed to mess up this friendship.

"Great."

"It started the night of Sammy's engagement party…after Helen…and everything. Dave and Julie had a set-to, I split them up and Dave decided to tell me some home truths. In light of the day I had just been through, it made me realise something and when I went to speak to Julie…" Gill took a deep breath and prepared herself to confess all to someone for the first time. "We slept together." She was scared to look at Janet's face for fear of what she might find, however Janet looked as kind and as open as she ever had been, apart from the fact that her eyebrows were ever so slightly raised. Gill wasn't a copper for nothing and even if Janet was cool with her choice of sexual partner, surely she would have registered a bit more than that in surprise?

"You knew?" Janet smiled and held her hands up in defence.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to find out and it wasn't until a few days ago. You've got to understand that we were worried about you and it was obvious that something was going on with Julie after that day she came here and you ignored her. I had no one else left to try."

"Sammy?"

"Yeah. He probably wouldn't have told me but he was as desperate as the rest of us. Anyway he didn't tell me any of the details; only that it had happened, you'd called it off but were miserable about it."

"It sounds so simple when you put it like that." Gill sighed deeply.

"Why can't it be? Is is because she's a woman? You know that middle aged straight women having lesbian relationships later in life is actually a really common occurrence these days? I don't think many people would think too much of it." Gill chuckled at the earnestness behind Janet's reassurance.

"While I'm conscious of that fact I haven't actually been too concerned with Julie's gender or my own apparently fluid sexuality. It's just that after everything I've been through with Dave I'm still having a few issues with trusting someone again. I also didn't want to jeopardise our friendship but it appears that I already failed on that front."

"So what exactly is the situation at the moment?" Sammy hadn't been back in touch to tell her if he'd managed to make contact with Julie or not, so she was keen to find out exactly what had happened since.

"Oh Janet, it's all such a mess! She's leaving." Gill stopped herself short of letting out a muffled sob, she was determined not to get too emotional tonight.

"Leaving? What, The Job?" Janet would be very surprised, Julie lived and breathed the police force, there was no way she would quit over a soured friendship.

"Manchester. She's taken a secondment in London. For two years!" Gill fought to keep the tears out of her eyes. Dammit! She was not going to cry in the middle of the pub.

"Blimey!" Were things really that bad between the two friends that Julie wanted to go so far away and for so long?

"We said….we said that we'd see how it goes. Concentrate on getting our friendship back on track before we decide to try again if that's what I…we both…wanted."

"And is that what you want? A proper relationship with Julie?"

"Of course I do! I didn't want to send her away in the first place. I'm buggered whichever way I choose, my heart hurts like hell the way things are at the moment but I'm scared it will get broken all over again if we go for it and it doesn't work out."

"Surely your friendship is stronger than that?" Janet had always been a little bit jealous of Gill's friendship with Julie. She had already been friends with Gill for a while when Julie came on the scene and the chemistry between them had been obvious. On paper it really shouldn't have worked, Julie was a single woman, a semi-out lesbian and childless. Gill was a straight, married, mother of a young son. But somehow there was something between them that just clicked both professionally and personally and you couldn't have driven a wedge between them, until now that was.

"You'd think, but I suppose once you've crossed that line there's no going back." Gill had learnt that lesson rather painfully these last few weeks.

"It seems to me that you both need to move forward. Life's too short not to take that chance, you should know that by now. You've got a chance to be happy, surely it's worth finding out? You might never get another one like it. Dave buggered up your past and a good ten years of your life, don't let him bugger up your future too, it's not worth it, he's not worth it."

End Flashback

Gill picked up the landline handset beside her and went to dial Julie's number for the forty-seventh time. She'd been putting off making contact for the last week, telling herself that Julie needed time and space to get herself settled in her new flat and job in London. For the first time since they'd become friends, Gill had no idea what she was going to say to Julie. She'd told her that they needed to repair their friendship first which made sense but it was going to be difficult knowing that there was an undercurrent of something more between them. Taking on board her conversation with Janet, she supposed she wouldn't know until she actually spoke to Julie.

"Gill!" Julie answered her mobile with no small hint of surprise in her voice, although it was a welcome one.

"Hiya Slap!" Gill smiled as she greeted her friend, it was a tentative but positive start. "Is it a good time to talk?"

"Of course, hang on a sec though, I'll call you back on the landline." The line went dead in her ear and Gill made herself comfortable on the settee in her living room. Julie left the half empty box she had been unpacking in her bedroom and took the pot of tea she'd just made into the living room. She poured out a fresh cup for herself and laid back on the settee before ringing Gill's house phone. "Hey you, it's good to hear your voice. For a while there I thought you'd forgotten about me." That was an understatement Julie had become increasingly melancholic as her first week in London had drawn to a close and she'd heard nothing from her best friend. She'd begun to wonder if Gill had yet again changed her mind about trying to make their relationship work.

"Yeah, sorry. I was a bit nervous about ringing you." It was silly really, they'd been friends for donkey's years and had never thought twice about something as simple as a phone call before. Gill had promised herself that she would be as open and as honest as she could be with Julie this time around, even if it was going to hurt or be slightly embarrassing to admit. After all, any relationship was based on good communication wasn't it?

"That's okay, I understand. How have you been?" Perhaps this honesty thing was going to be easier said than done? How could Gill put into words the thoughts that had been going round in circles in her head since Julie had gone?

"Okay, I think. Confused, missing you, suffering from heartache, headaches and insomnia. So all in all great!" Julie smiled wryly, pretty much as well as she had been doing then.

"Me too, I'm sorry." She was genuinely sorry but Julie was also convinced that she had made the right decision to press ahead with her secondment.

"Don't be, it's not your fault."

"It's not yours either, not really. I always understood why you chose to withdraw but I'd just hoped that we could work through it, together."

"Well I'm not going to make that mistake again. We're talking now aren't we?" Julie could hear the smile in Gill's voice and decided to change to a more lighthearted tone of conversation. Two hours later they had put the world to rights and had laughed until tears rolled down their cheeks. There was still a long way to go, but at least they had made a start.