The 502 Stories
By AmboDriver
Disclaimer: As usual, I don't own anything. I'm just playing around with them. They are owned by Shondaland, ABC, and probably a lot of other really rich folks.
A/N: I know I should be writing Place, but I want to try to knock this story out really quick. I have what I think is an awesome idea for an alternative to what is obviously a lousy season ending for Calzona and want to get to that but don't want to have 3 stories going at once, at least not for long. I'll get back to Place soon, I promise.
I intended for this chapter to end totally differently, but after tonight's episode, well I needed a better ending than I'd planned. And then I realized it's actually hopelessly ironic, and kind of sad really, but oh well. Just pretend you didn't see that eyesore of a scene at the end of the episode this week and go with the happy and the hope I'm giving here. In my 502 Stories world, things would of course end up differently.
Chapter 12 – Red Light, Green Light
Sofia's soft pats to her face as they exited the elevator made Callie smile at her daughter. "You are definitely in a good mood. Me, too. Today was a good day. I rebuilt a man's leg and mama called. She's making us dinner. We're having spaghetti and meatballs, which means you're going to need a really big bath later after you end up wearing all that sauce, but it's worth it."
Sofia kicked her legs happily and started babbling nonsensically. As they approached their apartment door, she leaned out toward it, obviously excited to be home. "Yup, as always, you just want to be home with mama, huh?"
Callie pulled her back close to her body and fished her keys from her purse. As she pulled them out she heard a loud crash from inside the apartment. "Uh oh," she said with a sigh as the crash was quickly followed by a loud frustrated cry from her wife. "Okay, maybe not such a good day," she muttered, taking a deep breath as she turned her key in the lock and opened the door.
She didn't see Arizona right away, but could see steam rising from a pot on the stove and could smell the pasta sauce cooking. "Arizona?" she called out hesitantly.
There was no answer but then Callie could hear quiet crying coming from the kitchen. She went over and put Sofia down on the carpet before turning toward the kitchen. "Arizona, are you okay?"
"Of course I'm not okay," her wife bit back harshly. As Callie walked around the breakfast bar, she found Arizona on the floor, shards of broken dishes around her. She was pulling at her leg frantically, clearly trying to tear it off. "Piece of shit," she yelled out as she ripped the Velcro strap off the socket.
Callie knelt down and reached out to stop Arizona's hands. "Please, just take a deep breath, okay?"
Arizona looked up at her with red-rimmed eyes brimming with tears as she pushed her hands away. "Take a deep breath? Take a deep breath? Really? You have no idea." She finally pulled her leg free and tossed it across the kitchen harshly. "I don't want it anymore. I don't want any of this." She started to shake then as tears fell heavily down her cheeks. "I don't want it anymore," she repeated in a shaking whisper.
"Arizona," Callie said quietly as she again tried to reach for her wife. "Please, let's just go into the living room, okay?"
Arizona used her right leg to push herself away from Callie, but then cried out in pain. She reached back and pulled a jagged piece of plate from behind her, tossing it against the wall so that it shattered into small pieces.
The noise caused Sofia to cry out and start screaming and Callie sighed heavily. Great. Just fucking great. She looked at Arizona for a moment, seeing the pain and even anger playing in her light blue eyes. When she got like this there was little she could do or say, so instead she got up and went out to where Sofia was sitting in the middle of the floor, crying loudly. "Hey, baby girl, it's okay," she said as she reached down and swept her up into her arms. She bounced her for a few moments, which seemed to sooth her, and then wiped the wet tears from her face. She leaned in to her ear and whispered, "It's okay. Mama's just having a little hard time right now. She'll be better in a little bit."
She placed their daughter back down on the floor and went over to get her favorite set of building blocks. She brought them to the toddler and waited for a second to get her playing before she stood up with a shake of her head. She wasn't sure how to handle this. She had tried the harsh love tactic and she had tried to placate her wife's temper tantrums and neither ever seemed to work. It was just so frustrating to not know how to help Arizona. She let out a slow breath and walked back into the kitchen, reaching over to turn off the burners on the stove before going over to grab Arizona's prosthetic and bringing it to her. She knelt down and held it out to her, "Please."
Arizona looked up at her and seemed like she was going to be obstinate. A few moments slowly ticked by as they just stared at each other, neither giving way. Then Arizona rolled her eyes and held out her hand. Callie handed her the leg and then stood up, knowing how much Arizona hated to have Callie see her when she was putting it on or removing it. "I'll wait for you in the living room."
Callie went back out into the living room and picked Sofia up, moving her over toward the far couch and then gathering up her blocks so that Arizona wouldn't have anything to trip over when she came into the room. Callie sat down on the floor with Sofia and played with her while she waited. There was little sound from the kitchen for a few minutes and then she heard the pieces of dishware move around on the floor. Finally, Arizona used the counter to pull herself to a standing position. She then slowly walked around the breakfast bar, using it to steady her as she crushed a few pieces of the dishware as she went. When she got to the point where she had to let go, she stopped and Callie watched out of the corner of her eye as she took a few steadying breaths. Finally, Arizona took a step and then another. Each one was painfully slow and she had to hold her arms out to keep her balance, but each step seemed just a little more sure until she finally made it to the other couch, falling onto it heavily.
Callie finally was obvious in looking up at Arizona as she stood and then sat on the other couch, pulling her legs up under her as she did. "Did you hurt yourself?"
Arizona's eyes rose slowly to meet Callie's. "No, not really."
"What happened?"
"I fell, Callie. What do you think happened?" Arizona shook her head and wiped at her eyes. "I can't even get dishes out of the cabinet anymore. How ridiculous is that?"
"It takes time," Callie tried gently.
"That's so easy for you to say, Callie. You can walk. You can go to work and carry Sofia around. You don't need a chair to take a shower." She shook her head again as her eyes went toward the ceiling, obviously trying so hard not to break out into renewed tears. "I can't be a surgeon or even a mother right now. Sometimes I think I never will."
Callie's heart felt like it was being crushed as she wanted nothing more than to take her wife's pain away, but there was nothing she could do. She hadn't been able to find a way for her wife to keep her leg and now there was certainly no way she could fix what had been taken from her. It made her feel like such a failure all too often. If there was one thing she should have been able to do, it was find a way to save Arizona's leg. Now the only thing she could offer was support, and love, and the truth. The truth was something she hadn't given her when she should have, but Callie had sworn to herself and to Arizona to never make that mistake again. "Yes, Arizona I can walk and I can stand in an OR or go on rounds. I can carry Sofia around. And I remember all too well how horrible it was when I couldn't do those things. I learned to walk again and I got strong enough to carry Sofia. I got my coordination back enough to be able to work and everything got better, but you know how long that took and how much hard work went into it. And, yes, it's even harder for you, I know. But you'll get back to doing all of those things. I promise. You just can't let it beat you."
Arizona stared at her as a mix of emotions swept across her face—anger, pain, sadness. It was so hard to see her seeming so down after the last few days when Arizona had finally seemed to have some hope again. Now all the sparkle that had returned to her eyes was gone and it was like Arizona had taken one step forward and two or three steps back. Finally, she spoke, her voice sounding tight with emotion. "It's already beat me, Callie. It beat me when that damned plane crashed. It beat me when I looked down and saw my bone sticking out of my leg. It beat me when I woke up and that leg was gone. And it beats me every time I fall or stumble." She started to stand but then sat back down heavily, her head falling into her hands. "I can't even get up and storm out of the room."
Callie was across the room before she had a chance to stop and think about it. "Hey, hey," she said as she sat next to her wife, her hands reaching out to take Arizona's so she couldn't hide her face any more. "You are not beaten, Arizona. You are not. Do you hear me?"
"Callie, don't," Arizona said with a low warning tone to her voice. She pulled her hands from Callie's grip and slid down the couch until she was at the far end. "You can't make this better with a pep talk."
Callie felt frustration flare in her and she stood, walking into the kitchen without saying another word. She pulled open the trash can, knelt down and started picking up the pieces of dishware on the floor. She stood up when she had most of them and slammed the shards into the garbage. She looked over at her wife, who hadn't moved an inch, and balled her fists in frustration and anger. "You don't want a pep talk? Well, then, fine. I'll give you the truth, Arizona. The God's honest truth. You are beaten, because you're letting this beat you. You didn't just lose your leg, you've lost yourself. You have control over that, Arizona. You may not have had any control or say in losing your leg, but you have a say in this. If you want to fight back, then fight back. Get your life back. It's not impossible. It's just hard. And the Arizona I know doesn't let hard stop her."
For a minute, Callie thought she had gotten through to her. Arizona sat, her eyes focusing hard off in front of her, breaths coming in steady strong pulls. She could almost see the wheels turning in her head. But then she shook her head and stood up. She stood there for a moment before she looked at Callie with sad eyes. "This is too hard," she said softly before starting her slow, unsteady steps toward the bedroom.
When the door fell closed behind Arizona, as if she didn't even have the energy to slam it in anger, Callie sighed heavily as tears started trickling down her cheek. She looked down at Sofia, who was looking up at her with wide brown eyes. She went over to her daughter and picked her up. She sat on the couch and then turned Sofia so they were facing each other. "Someday, you're going to understand how amazing your mama is and how much she fought to get her life back, because she will. She's just tired right now. No one can be that strong all the time, but tomorrow will be better."
Sofia reached up and grabbed at the heart necklace hanging around Callie's neck. She laughed then as she smiled up at her mother. "Mama," she said quietly. It was one of the few words she knew and it always brought a smile to Callie's face when she said it. Sofia then put her hand up near her mouth in the sign language they had taught her to use when she was wanted food.
"Hungry, huh?" Callie put her back onto the floor and went into the kitchen. Dinner was not going to happen, and to be honest she wasn't hungry. She suspected Arizona wouldn't want to eat either, so she just decided to get a bowl of Cheerios together for Sofia and brought that with a sippy cup of water so that she could just eat in the living room. Then Callie went over to the bedroom door and listened carefully. She wasn't sure, but she thought she could hear Arizona crying. She almost let it go, unsure of whether Arizona would want her to make another effort, but then she threw caution to the wind and knocked. "Arizona?"
There was only a short pause before Arizona answered. "You can come in."
Callie pushed the door open and looked in to find her wife in bed, her prosthetic off and the covers pulled up to her waist. Her eyes were bright red and swollen now. "Arizona…"
"I'm just so jealous, Callie," she said. Arizona took a shaking breath and then blew it out slowly. "I feel like all I do is lose. My leg, my brother, Mark." A sob shook her as more tears spilled out of her eyes. "Nick."
Arizona hadn't mentioned Nick at all since the crash and Callie had never wanted to bring him up, afraid that it was all too much. So, the mention now took her by surprise. "Arizona?"
"His sister called today. He died last week."
Callie moved around the bed quickly and sat down on the edge. She didn't care what her wife might want, she knew what she needed. She pulled her into her arms and held her as sobs shook Arizona over and over again. "Baby, I'm so sorry."
They sat there like that with Callie stroking Arizona's hair as her sobs continued until finally she quieted. A few moments later Arizona pulled out of Callie's embrace, wiping at the tears that dampened her face. "Thank you."
"I'm here for you, Arizona. Always." She reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind Arizona's ear, only realizing what she was doing after it was done. She smiled a little when it didn't seem to bother her wife. "I know how important he was to you and you're right. You've lost so much, more than anyone ever should. But you still have me. I'm not going anywhere. And you've got Sofia. I know that doesn't make up for the losses, but you haven't lost everything, I promise."
Arizona swallowed hard and shook her head. "I don't deserve you. I don't."
Feeling emboldened, Callie placed her hands on Arizona's cheeks and leaned toward her a little to make sure she had her undivided attention. "Arizona, of course you deserve me. And I deserve you. And we deserve to fight for one another, especially through the hard times. That's what a marriage is. I never once doubted that. Things just got bad is all. Today was bad, tomorrow will probably be better. And there will still be bad days down the road, for both of us. But I'm not giving up on you or us, okay?"
Arizona nodded as a sad smile crept onto her lips. "Thank you. And I'm not giving up on us either. We'll be okay someday, right? It's just like my leg. It'll take time." There was just a little lift to her voice that made it sound like it might be a question.
Callie's smile was broader, brighter. "Exactly." She paused for a moment and just took in Arizona's face, her eyes that shone a bit brighter now, the smile that was a little easier. She couldn't help but think how truly beautiful she was and how lucky she was to have her wife still there, alive if not totally whole. But Callie knew that she'd get there—not necessarily physically, but emotionally—and she would be there with her every step of the way. "I love you, Arizona," she whispered.
"I love you, too," Arizona answered as she leaned closer until their lips were only a few centimeters apart. "Thank you."
Callie chuckled quietly. "Anytime," she breathed out before closing the distance between them. The kiss started gently, lovingly, but it slowly started to deepen. Arizona's hand went up to tangle into her hair, pulling them ever closer to one another. Then, just as Callie let her tongue snake out to run along Arizona's lower lip, Sofia cried out from the living room, causing them both to break out into laughter.
"She's got the worst timing," Arizona said.
"Seriously," Callie replied as she let out a deep breath. She bit at her lip to stop the tingling that made her want nothing more than to kiss Arizona again and again and then let out a deep breath. "You want some dinner? I can heat up the chicken from last night."
Arizona's demeanor shifted again, and she seemed to lose a little of the brightness that she had found only minutes before. "No, really I'm not hungry. Actually, I kind of just want a little time alone. I…"
"I get it," Callie said. "You just found out about Nick. You need a little time to grieve."
"I do."
"If you need me, you let me know. I can just sit here with you or hold you or whatever you need. I'll go put Sofia to bed and then I'm all yours." She took Arizona's hand and ran her thumb over the soft skin. "Let me be there for you."
Arizona's eyes fell to their conjoined hands. "I'll call you when I'm ready, okay?"
Callie nodded. "I'll be waiting." She leaned in and kissed Arizona's cheek, giving her a final smile before leaving her alone and returning to the living room.
Sofia looked up at her, letting out a half-hearted cry that was obviously only meant to get attention and wasn't brought on by any real need other than attention. "You, my little one, need to learn some better timing." She chuckled quietly as she picked the toddler up. "Now, let's get you cleaned up and in bed so that when your mama needs me I can be there for her, because I promised, and you know how I am with promises now. They're very important. Very, very important."
Sofia giggled and patted Callie's face before leaning in and giving her mommy a noisy kiss on her lips.
Callie giggled along with her. "You're so silly," she said as they headed off to Sofia's bedroom. "So, so silly."
TBC…
A/N: Yes Arizona saying "I don't deserve you" is just so wrong after this last episode, but I had to write it. I'm living in my little world of fan fiction-filled denial.