With a loud sigh, Jade slowly sat up and carefully swung her legs to the floor, having most of the blanket crumpled up on her lap. She stared at it, the gray fabric swallowing her up as her mind whirled around; Amelia was the only thing she could think about in that moment. Her eyes closed in an attempt to calm her pounding head, to sort out her thoughts and find a place where she could start. Already, even though she just agreed to tell Tori about Lia a mere minute ago, Jade regretted ever doing so. She couldn't even think of what to tell her, but Tori probably didn't care as long as she told her at least something.

"She almost burnt down the kitchen once," Jade started softly after she opened her eyes and looked up. She released a quiet chuckle, twining her hands together. When a corner of Tori's mouth lifted to smile at her, Jade continued. "I don't really know how she did it. She insisted on cooking and didn't want me to help her and sent me to the bedroom but somehow… all of sudden a small flame must have flared up in the pan." Jade shook her head, a heavy spark of sadness in her eyes but her mouth pulled up in a smile. "I was in the bedroom and didn't see it but it kinda got bigger and Lia panicked, jumping to the sink but then… the edge of a kitchen towel caught on fire and well…"

Tori's mouth fell open, her eyes wide. "Oh my God. What happened then?"

"Well, you know… the cloth was burning and Amelia yelled for me and when I came into the room the counter there-" She pointed over to the kitchen area. "-was like, lit. I mean, it wasn't really threatening, it was still a relatively small flame but… sure a sight to behold. We managed to extinguish it pretty quickly though. We ordered pizza that night, just to be sure."

A laugh bubbled out of Tori and Jade smiled slightly as she watched the brunette. "Wow. She didn't try cooking after that again, did she?"

Jade scoffed. "Oh, yeah she did. And again, there was… more fire than there should be when you're cooking something." Jade frowned and shook her head. "I didn't let her cook after that anymore. She was a little firebug, though totally unintentional." The memories rested heavy on her heart but in a way, it felt good to talk about her. It felt good to remember her today like that, when she was still alive and healthy, not lying in a hospital bed, slipping away. "But… she was a great baker."

"Really?"

"Yep."

If there was one thing Jade loved to do, more so than making music, it was watching Lia. She didn't quite know why she did it so often, she couldn't pin down what exactly captivated her so much about her girlfriend, but one thing was for sure: it was one of her favorite things to do. Her lips curled into a faint smile as she rested her chin on her arm perched on the backrest of the sofa, her eyes not straying away from the sight in front of her, which was absolutely lovely. The blonde shuffling around in the kitchen was completely oblivious to those blue eyes that watched her, her own hazel ones steadily cast downward to watch her hands prepare the cookie dough. Not much time went by until Amelia was satisfied and round chunks of the dough were neatly placed on a cookie sheet. Jade smirked at the satisfied sigh that left her lips as she put the cookies into the heated oven. It was then when their eyes met.

"You are staring again," she commented and held Jade's gaze, a hint of a smile appearing on her lips.

"I'm not staring."

"You only look intently, then?"

"I'm observing," Jade shot back with playfully narrowed eyes. An amused smile crept to Amelia's lips as she lowered her gaze to the counter, getting ready to clean up. "After all, I have to be on the lookout in case you decide to burn down this place… again."

Amelia's gaze shot up and it was her turn to narrow her eyes. "That was one time. And it was an accident."

Jade's eyebrow quirked up and she shook her head, standing up from the couch and making her way over to the kitchen. "Two times, sweetheart," she teased, the amused smile now on Jade's face.

"Yeah, and both times I tried cooking for you." She raised her eyebrows as Jade came to a stand in front of her with her arms loosely crossed. "So technically it's all your fault."

"Oh yeah. That makes so much sense." Jade tilted her head and smiled at the almost bashful smile on Lia's lips, for a short moment bringing her back to their high school days. Sighing loudly and glancing at the oven, Jade shook her head. "You know, I still don't understand how you can't cook a decent meal, but then again, you're such a genius little baker."

"Yes, well," Lia said with a sigh and shrugged while turning back to the counter, "The stove doesn't like me very much. But the oven, well… the oven is my friend."

Jade watched as she nodded as if to confirm her statement, smirking and then letting out an agreeing hum. "I see. Well, tell your friend to hurry up." She moved away from the counter, calling over her shoulder "I'm hungry."

"I still don't know how that could be," Jade softly murmured, looking to the side, at nothing at all.

"So, you always cooked then?" Jade's eyes darted back to Tori, having almost forgotten that she was even there, that she told Tori all of this. Jade shrugged her shoulders and leaned back. "Yeah, pretty much. Was definitely safer that way," Jade chuckled. "Breakfast sometimes posed a little problem though."

Tori smiled and creased her eyebrows, shuffling on the coffee table to get more comfortable. "Why?"

"Well, I liked to sleep in on the weekends and stuff, while Lia was always an early riser. I was always a little anxious that she would try to make pancakes or whatever. Thankfully she never did. After that second time she stayed away from the stove for the most part. Probably was pretty traumatic for her," Jade laughed and again, her gaze strayed away from Tori. "She stuck to eating cereal or waited for me to wake up, but sometimes… sometimes she came into the bedroom and when she knew that I was already awake and was just lying in bed for the heck of it… she made sure that I'd get up."

Bright rays of sunlight streamed through the window, curtains long drawn aside. But Jade's eyes stayed shut, her breathing even and her mind set fully on the intention of staying in bed for as long as possible. Her ears faintly took in the slight shuffling as the door to the bedroom opened and Jade knew exactly – or rather dreaded – what was coming now. The bed dipped, but Jade refused to open her eyes.

"Wake up," a quiet voice sung, a warm hand gently caressing black hair, "Wake up, Jade."

A groan rattled in Jade's chest and as if she was afraid that Lia would pry her eyes open, she tightly squeezed them shut and rolled onto her stomach. "No, shut up."

But just like always, Jade didn't get rid of her fiancée that easily as Amelia climbed on top of her and straddled her, hands rubbing her back. She leaned down, murmuring into Jade's ear "It's a beautiful day today. You're missing it."

"What's so beautiful about it? Have you left the house yet?"

A beat passed between them. "No…"

"Then how do you know it's going to be beautiful?" Jade mumbled into her pillow, still keeping her eyes shut. "It could end up being horrible."

Again, Lia leaned down. "A day I get to spend with you could never be horrible."

Despite herself and the overly cheesy words that left the blonde's mouth, Jade's lips curled into a big smile. "You're disgusting."

A laugh reached Jade's ears and she felt her back being patted as Lia scrambled off of her. "Come on now. Rise and shine, you pretty thing."

Another groan left her mouth but when she was sure that Amelia was gone, she threw off the blanket and slowly peeled herself out of bed.

"I always pretended to hate it. But I actually loved it when she did that." Jade fell quiet then, eyes shifting to her hands. "I miss that. Sometimes-" She stopped, frowning, and shook her head, but Tori urged her on.

"Sometimes what?" The brunette softly asked and leaned forward. "Come on, you can tell me."

Strangely enough, Jade really did believe that. She didn't know why, but somehow she had that inexplicable feeling that she could tell Tori absolutely anything and that scared her, to some extent. Why did she never feel like that around Cat or even her brother? It made absolutely no sense to her that she was able to talk about things to Tori – someone she barely knew in comparison to Cat and Aiden – so openly, but would never think about admitting these things to anyone else. Deciding to just enjoy the fact that she had someone to talk to, Jade took a deep breath before continuing.

"Sometimes I… keep lying in bed after I woke up in hopes that… maybe she'll come in and wake me." She felt color rush to her face and refused to look up at Tori, embarrassed that she just revealed that little info to her. "Of course I know that that's completely… stupid and it will never happen but…"

"It's not stupid." Surprised, Jade looked up. Tori was looking back at her, her expression serious. "You miss her, Jade. There's no need for you to feel embarrassed about that."

"I'm- I'm not, I just…"

"You know, at first I didn't understand why you don't want to stay in contact with your friends. I was so confused because I thought… that if you let them, they would be able to help you." Tori shook her head. "But I get it now."

Jade blinked rapidly, pursing her lips as she shifted on the sofa. "You get what?"

"They want things from you that you just can't give them. And that's okay," she said and held her hand up when she saw Jade getting ready to say something. "You shouldn't feel pressured into thinking that how you feel is wrong. No one has the right to tell you to stop missing Amelia, Jade. It's just… it's not right and I… I want you to know that it's okay. You can miss her whenever you want, for as long as it takes. She was your fiancée. Everyone should just start understanding that it's not as easy for you as it might be for them."

The room fell silent and when Tori saw small pools of tears in Jade's eyes, she feared that she said too much or said something to upset her. But when a shaky breath rushed out of her mouth and her lips formed a weak smile, she knew that she did the right thing. "Thanks," Jade mumbled meekly, a word that Tori would have normally never have associated with Jade. But here she was, her head bowed, shoulders slumped and tears about to roll down her cheeks at any minute. There were so many different sides to her, both good and bad, and Tori wanted nothing more than to get to know all of them.

"You know…" Tori's eyes lifted from watching Jade's fiddling fingers, expecting to find her eyes on her, only to be proven wrong when she saw her looking into her lap. "For a while… after she died… I even blamed myself for it."

The sudden turn of the conversation and the shockingly honest ways Jade was starting to speak to her in, took Tori by surprise, a deep frown taking hold of her face. "Jade, that's-"

"I know," she interrupted, glancing at Tori for a short moment before lowering her eyes to her hands again, "It was completely irrational. It was an accident; I… didn't take any part in that. But I guess I… wanted to find someone to blame. And it was so easy to blame myself because… because then I would have had a reason."

Almost scared to know the answer, Tori timidly asked "A reason for what?"

"Joining Amelia." Jade lifted her head and looked straight at Tori, almost emotionless. "Wherever she is."

Tori had wanted to keep it light, make Jade tell her about how Amelia was when she had been alive, how their relationship had been, things like that. She didn't quite expect she would hear the things Jade was telling her right now, but instead of stopping her, change the subject or lead the conversation back to lighter things, Tori swallowed and decided to stay on this path. "You wanted to…? I mean…" She couldn't even say it out loud, the thought of Jade even thinking about the prospect of suicide making her stomach tie in knots.

But Jade seemed unfazed by it, her tongue running over the front of her teeth while she nodded her head. "I did."

"…How?"

She tipped her head back and sighed heavily. "I don't know… Every possibility there is had crossed my mind. Jumping off a roof or… taking pills, cutting my wrist open." Her tone was nonchalant, as if all of this didn't even touch her at all. "I considered all of it," she admitted and dropped her head forward again, her shoulders lifting in a small shrug when her eyes met Tori's. "I just never went through with it."

Tori couldn't stop the next question to leave her mouth. "Why didn't you?"

Jade pursed her lips, her eyebrows creasing.

Her hand shook as she lifted the knife to her left wrist, salty tears not stopping to flow down her cheeks. It would be so easy. Just do it, Jade. You'll feel better. Her mouth released a loud sob and just like that, the knife clattered to the floor, her hands grabbing fistfuls of her hair. She couldn't do it. She wished she could, so badly, but something was stopping her and Jade couldn't figure out what it was. Nothing held her back anymore, nothing. Cat would be fine without her, she had Robbie now. And Aiden… Aiden would understand. But she just couldn't and deep down she knew the reason why.

Amelia.

She would never forgive her for doing such a thing. She would never be able to forgive her that she left her loved ones all alone by pure choice. And she would be right. It's selfish, so, so selfish. If Jade would really go through with it, the only thing she would accomplish would be causing other people pain, just so that her own pain would disappear.

But she longed to see her again. To feel her skin under her fingertips, hear her laugh echo in her ears, feel her breath against her lips. And while she knew, that there wasn't a guarantee that she would be there, that she would see her again, Jade knew that her misery would finally be over. She would do it, in a heartbeat. Her eyes would watch the blade cut her skin; they would watch the blood drip down her arm until they would close, forever. But Amelia seemed to stop her every time as if she was standing next to her. So Jade never did it. Every time she stopped, knowing, that this was not the right way. It would never be the right way and Amelia seemed to know that.

Even in death, she kept her alive.

"I just couldn't do it," Jade simply said, shaking her head. "It wouldn't have been right."

Jade watched as Tori slowly nodded. The brunette sat up straight, her hands gliding over her legs until they rested on her knees, and her eyes looking at the vacant spot on the sofa next to Jade. At the sight of the slightly troubled expression on Tori's face, Jade felt the corners of her lips pull up in a weak smile. "Didn't expect to get so much out of me?"

Tori's eyes snapped towards her, her expression not changing. "No. Not really, to be honest." Jade looked down, nodding her head, and Tori softly added "But I appreciate it. That you trust me enough to tell me all of this."

Jade's eyes locked on Tori's as she pushed out a breath through her nose and her lips quirked up in a smile. "Well, I just hope it didn't shatter your image of me." Her tone was laced with sarcasm but Tori chose to ignore it, shaking her head.

"It didn't," she said confidently, "Nothing could."