BitterSweet Chapter 19:
Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling hence do not own any of the characters etc. etc.
Severus Snape's POV:
By the time it is lunch, at least 50 scenarios have gone through my head, each as likely (to me) to happen as the next: maybe she's figured how unworthy I am of her, maybe she realized she never loved me, maybe she realized her compassion had to end, maybe she realized I am dangerous for her. With all these thoughts swirling in my head as well as the intoxicating pain from my wound, I sit down at the Slytherin table and look over to the Gryffindor table, trying to find Lily. As I realize she isn't at the table, Mary taps me on the shoulder and without a word, passes me a note.
It read: Meet me at our place by the river – L.
Without a word I get up from my seat and walk out of the Great Hall and out to the gardens. As I near the lake I see Lily sitting by the side, her knees curled up and tucked under her chin. I sit beside her, crossed leg, half facing her and half facing the lake. I look at Lily's beautiful face which is contorted with anger.
"Lily, what's wrong?" I ask quietly, almost afraid of the answer.
She heaves a sigh, but does not reply. I wait silently for a few minutes.
"Lily?" I repeat, but to no avail. Flinging my arms into the air, I get up.
"I'll go then if you don't want me." I announce, the double meaning of my words obvious. I start to walk back to the castle.
"Sev, why haven't you talked to me the last few days?" She asks. I turn around and sit back beside her.
"We've both been busy and you've been with all of those Gryffindors – "
"Sev, do you know what people harass me about day and night?" she questions, her arms folded. Her question distracts me from what I am saying as she completely changes the subject. I can tell the true point of her anger is about to make itself heard. Without any prompting she continues.
"Everybody asks me who I am seeing, and I can't tell them a thing! I can't even say that it's official! And then they think its Potter and that toerag thinks I'm lying and as he said 'playing hard to get'…" She rambles off as her anger replaces itself and makes her shy.
I sit in shock as I realize what she is saying and my heart swells with relief, yet fear. Although I admitted my feelings for her at Spinner's End, admitting them here seems to add so much more gravity to our relationship. Despite knowing she loves me too, I can't help but feel a rejection is in the near future; inevitable. I feel as though admitting the words here and now would make me more vulnerable then ever, mentally and physically. At Hogwarts, where I need to be my best and strongest, could I afford this vulnerability? No matter what she will be my biggest weakness, whether we're together or not, so I suppose I should use my position as much as possible to protect her. As I look into her face, those emerald eyes, I can see Professor Baggins' prophecy and I know, from the grim picture of my future, and my intense feelings, that without Lily, I would die inside, and that my biggest weakness is also my biggest strength.
Through out the turmoil in my head, Lily watches me intently. I look at her and my hands begin to shake a little as I brush my hair out of my face. Lily's face begins to blush.
"Sev, if you don't want to make it official, or be together, well then just say so." She says, getting irritated. I chuckle at her – this girl thinks I don't want to be her boyfriend, when the love in me wants so much more. She must think my delay to reply is a dislike of commitment, when commitment is all I want. My life, all I have, I give to her. I must remind myself not to scare her off with the intensity of my love.
"Lily, you know how hard it is for me to talk about these sorts of things…I don't know where to begin…"
"Just say it."
"But you know that I want it too." I say, allusive.
"Severus, please, I need to hear it." She explains. I look at her, wondering why she is so stubborn on this point. Isn't it clear enough? I heave a big breath as if I am about to dive under water, I discreetly look about to ensure no one is watching, and then close my eyes to ensure that I don't see anyone anyway.
"Lily, will you please be my girlfriend?" I ask, my heart unintentionally beating faster at the idea of having a claim on Lily. I open my eyes to see Lily grinning at me.
"I thought you'd never ask. I'd love to be." She whispers before pulling me towards her by my collar. I collapse on top of her awkwardly and quickly adjust myself as she forces my head down to hers, our lips colliding. Having not kissed in weeks, I had almost forgotten the sensation as our lips move against one another. Lily tangles her fingers in my hair, adding more intensity. She gives me one last powerful kiss before breaking apart and moving from underneath me. I sit myself upright and look across at her still lying on the ground, twirling a piece of hair with the same hand which had tangled themselves in my hair. She looks from the lake to me and smiles at me, radiating. I give her a care-free chuckle.
"Come on then, girlfriend." I say, getting up and holding a hand out to her, not caring at the moment who sees. She eagerly grabs my hand but when she stands upright, she doesn't let go but instead weaves her fingers through mine. She stands up on her tippy toes and gives me a quick kiss on the lips.
"What was that for?" I ask, smirking.
"I like it when you claim me as your own." She replies cheekily. I can't help but feel elated, hoping that she'll let me claim her as much more, later.
"I'm happy you're so easily pleased!" I joke. She playfully hits me on the arm and I unconsciously gasp in pain. Lily looks at me in shock.
"Are you ok?" She asks, her hands fluttering around the spot she hit me.
"Yes." I lie, attempting to tug her back to the castle before classes begin, unwilling to talk about the cause of my wound. It was naïve of me to believe that the future could have been so easily forgotten. Lily stops walking. "Look, I just got into a bit of a fight with some of the Slytherins and I got a bit of glass stuck in my arm." I say.
"Why didn't you say something before?" She asks.
"It wasn't important."
"Sev, you're hurt!" She exclaims. I feel her close attention to me warm my heart yet cool my body – I feel myself shut up, my emotions hard to cope with. I'm blissfully happy and I have to be reminded of the future, as if I should be feeling guilty for being so happy.
"I'm fine." I finalize, dropping Lily's hand as we enter Hogwarts. As we become apart of the sea of students, Lily pulls me down to her level.
"Meet me tonight at 7.30 outside the Gryffindor Common Rooms or else I will come down to Slytherin and see you myself." She threatens before walking away.
As I walk to my next class, I cannot help but think of Lily. She's beautiful, radiant, cheery, intelligent, funny, feisty…and before long my thoughts of our happy relationship transform into grim scenes of the future. Narcissa's memory as well as Baggins' prophecy take away my rare moment of happiness and replace it with sorrow, anger and guilt. Can I protect her and be with her at the same time? My thoughts are broken at intervals where I have to think and listen in classes. I am annoyed and frustrated with myself for being so lazy and distracted, just before exams, which are in just two weeks.
Walking back to Slughorn's, I think of how I have two major assignments due next Monday. I won't have much time on the weekend, as I thought of taking Lily out to Hogsmeade, and we also have a slug club party on Saturday night… I have so much to do that it's overwhelming. Deciding to make the most of my night, I begin my multitude of homework. I become so absorbed in my History of Magic, that when I hear a knock on the door, I think nothing of it. I continue scribbling away at my essay, explaining why werewolves should be categorized as 'beasts' rather then 'beings' –thinking of one werewolf in particular – when a knock sounds again. I moan as I lift myself out of my study position to get the door.
"I'll have you little toerag know that I am quite…busy." I finish just as I open the door to a very flushed Lily. Without a word she walks in quickly. I notice that her hair is all messy and her robes are crumpled. I shut the portrait door and look at her apologetically.
"I'm sorry I forgot, I – " I begin.
"It's fine Sev." She says, slightly irritated. She looks around curiously, eyeing the large library and the few arm chairs. She spots my room and starts walking towards it.
"Lily, you might not want to go in there." I warn. She just scoffs at me and continues to walk in, with me following behind.
She looks around my room and sits down on my messy bed, before noticing the bloody glass piece in the corner of the room.
"Merlin's beard, Sev! That's a big piece of glass!" She exclaims, standing up and turning to me. Before I say a word, she demands: "Now, let me have a look."
"It's okay Lily, seriously. Don't worry about it." I ensure.
"Please show me, I might be able to help." She replies. I shake my head and she lightly touches her fingers against my arm. "At least to reassure me that I don't need to worry?" She pleads.
She withdraws her hand and gasps as she looks at her fingers – my eyes worriedly flicker to her fingers, which are lightly coated in blood.
"Lily, were you the one who has been staring at me in the Great Hall the last few days?" I question randomly, just realizing the link between Lily's moods and also distracting her.
"Yeah." She says sheepishly before realizing my tactic. "But that's not what I'm worried about, Show me now Severus Tobias Snape."
"I'm worried about the weird stares." I whisper, though not sure if she can hear me.
"I can't pull my sleeve up enough to show you." I say aloud, making an excuse.
"Well then you can take off your robes." She replies. I feel my face pale at the idea of having to be bare-chested in front of Lily – she is bound to be repulsed.
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because."
"Sev, you better take your robes of right now and let me see the wound, please!" She begs. I give her a warning look but she just roles her eyes at me and without permission she reaches up with her blood stained fingers to begin to undo my robes. Despite not at all being a romantic situation, I feel my body shake in excitement. By the time she gets to my tenth button I take over and undo the rest, turning away from her as I drop my robe, not willing to expose myself. Lily giggles. I turn around slightly to see Lily who is behind me, and I try not to blush.
"What are you laughing at?" I ask in a shocked, hurt voice.
"You're acting as though you are completely naked Sev. No need to be so shy – you still have your pants on!" She remarks, blushing slightly. I just role my eyes at her dismissively (though thankful for her light-heartedness about the matter) and turn around fully, exposing my make-up bandage and pale torso. Her beautifully colored face pales as she looks at the cloth which is completely drenched in blood.
"Oh my…" she exclaims as she delicately touches the bandage. She carefully unwinds it, shifting us so she can get more light in order to enable her to see it better, and positions us by the side of my bed. She drops the cloth as it is unwound and attempts to examine my wound, which could be described almost as a crevice. I hadn't realized how big it had become, nor, now that I think about it, the relative size of the piece of glass. As Lily lightly pulls at my skin to get another look, blood oozes out steadily, running over her fingers.
"Oh, Sev!" She exclaims before fainting onto the bed. It is as Lily exclaims this that Professor Slughorn chooses to enter the apartment and walk past my room to see me, shirtless, and Lily, lying down and facing me. With embarrassment I realize the scene that Professor Slughorn must think he's seeing as my wounded arm is hidden from his view. A conclusion could be easily drawn from Lily's last sentence, the position of her body which is perfectly aligned with mine, and my half nakedness.
Hello once again everyone!
Ok, I have a little explaining to do. A few months ago I had finished majority of these two chapters I have just posted, however, knowing the likely hood of me posting any chapters before the end of the year is unlikely, I wanted to give you all an extra treat by making them extra long. Turned out, my plan backfired on me as I had no time to make them extra long within the correct time frame and it took me much longer then intended to post them! Before I knew it, my time was consumed by family issues, many assignments and exams.
To explain my lack of updates in the near-future, I am going away for a holiday to Europe for Christmas, starting in December. I am not sure whether I will have enough time to update between now and then, and I realistically won't be able to update again until Feburary next year. I am so sorry for all of you who patiently wait, but once again I call on your patience for a while longer. I will try my hardest to update before I leave, however, in the case that I do not, rest assured that when I come back I will be re-inspired and relaxed!
And for record, I have in no way given up on either of my stories, just merely been distracted and busy!
I hope that my chapters haven't disappointed those who have waited, and again I am sorry. Please read, please review, please tell me what you think and feel free to ask questions or give critisism.
If I do not post between now and my magnificant overseas holiday, I bid you all a very Merry Christmas and hope that it is a magical Christmas for you all - with lots of relaxing and reading!
Lots of love,
Angela (Missteque).
(P.S Chapter 18 and 19 were orginally meant as one however it made more sense for me to split them into two, so know that I did create a long chapter...sort of!)