IV

"FUCKIN' LAZY!" I jerked upwards, startled by the random yelling I heard from the door. It sounded like Connor, and he didn't sound happy about something. I got up the best I could, my spinal column in deep pain from sleeping on a bed that was supposed to be for a pony, and I limped to the door.

"Connor, what the hell are you yelling about?"

"That "Princess" is the laziest ruler I've ever heard of!"

"What in the Sam hell are you taking about?" I nearly shouted, angry from having been woken up so early.

"She sent a letter to us saying none of her best men could figure out the instructions you gave them!"

"So?"

"SHE DIDN'T READ THE FUCKING THING HERSELF!" he hollered angrily.

"She probably has much more important things to do" I responded.

"It's the defense of her ENTIRE KINGDOM!" he snapped. "And she still won't take a shot at reading a little instruction sheet that would take less than 5 minutes to read! She's also asking us to go there and teach them while she also expects us to make more weapons at the same damn time!"

"God, dude. Don't get so pissed off!" I said.

"Fuck you!"

"Look!" I yelled at him. "I'll go there myself and teach the highest ranked Captains how to work with the guns. Then they can pass on the knowledge to other soldiers! You just stay here, keep working and don't have a fucking aneurism over this entire situation"

"Alright" he sighed, his Scottish accent making it sound more like "arrite".

I walked out the door and began to walk angrily towards the train station. Twilight trotted up to fall into a steady rhythm beside me. "What's wrong with him?" she said, breaking the silence I wanted to keep.

"He's just an asshole sometimes" I answered.

"Does he have a hobby that makes him happy, or something to keep him from blowing up like that?" Twilight continued. "I think he woke up half of Ponyville with that outburst."

"He fucks with ponies" I said monotonously. I looked down to see Twilight with a repulsed expression plastered across her face. "Not like that" I sighed. "I mean he messes with ponies… Like, causes mischief. Whenever he succeeds, he dies laughing."

"So he's like Discord?" she asked, now back to her standard, happy expression.

"Who the fuck is Discord?" I said in a voice a little louder than a mumble.

"He's the god of chaos" she answered, as if she loved giving lectures on whatever the hell she knew. "He basically does the same thing except when he does it, ponies tend to get hurt. Fluttershy made him good, though."

"Fluttershy?" I said, confused.

"She's somepony you don't know yet. You'll like her. Everypony does!"

"Anyway, so Discord doesn't do anything mischievous anymore?" I asked, continuing the conversation as we got closer to the train station.

"Nope!" she chirped happily.

"Well, fuck" I said. "Connor could have made friends with Discord."

"They might still get along" she suggested. At this point, we were just standing at the train station, now in silence. We waited for what seemed like forever until the train came to a screeching halt in front of us. Twilight and I stepped onto the train, each paying the pony manning the door the cost of a ticket (considering we were both too goddamn lazy to buy them ourselves). The train quickly gave off a loud whistling noise as it began to slowly gain speed. I can't believe I was going BACK to Canterlot. I decided to just try and ignore the whole situation and drift off to sleep. Almost as soon as I dozed off, I was woken up by Twilight saying we were there.

"Did I fall asleep?" I asked, groggy from what probably was slumber.

"Yep" she nodded. "Snoring pretty loudly, too!"

"Meh" I spouted quietly. We got up from the train and made our way off. Considering I was there the day before, I already knew the way to the castle, and Twilight obviously knew I was there before, so she didn't decide to give me "instructions" on where to go. As soon as we had reached the castle gates, three royal guards rushed in to meet us. They turned out to be the three biggest leaders of the Equestrian Military. They explained how they couldn't figure out the instructions and that we needed to show them how to do pretty much everything with the guns.

To start, I walked over and grabbed an M4A1 to use, as well as a mag that I put into the gun. After several hours of instruction, they finally found out how to shoot both the M4A1 and the M1911 accurately. They assured me that they could teach all the lower ranks how to use the guns, so I decided to go back and alert Princess Celestia about my success.

I walked through the door of the throne room to find a pony in front of Celestia. I stood in the back as I heard their conversation. "So you murdered him publically?" Celestia asked.

"No!" the pony said. "It was my brother, I swear!"

"I'm afraid I don't believe you" Celestia told the pony, scowling.

"Alright"

"Say…" Celestia looked like she had just put on a happy face out of nowhere. "Do you like bananas?" The pony, who was now crying, nodded silently. "Well, you're about to go bananas!" The crying pony looked up at the Princess as if she was a psycho. Celestia's horn began to glow a tinted sky blue and she shouted almost happily as if she enjoyed doing this "ON THE MOON!" The pony disappeared with a flash of light and a brief, muffled scream.

"Princess" I interrupted the near-maniacal laughter that followed. "I have a question… umm… WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK WAS THAT?!"

"Please lower your vo-"

"NO! YOU JUST SENT A PONY WHO MAY HAVE BEEN INNOCENT TO THE FUCKING MOON!" I roared. "If you do that on a regular basis then you aren't just a murderer you're a complete PSYCHO!"

"That's the punishment for murder in Equestria" she said casually. "Ponies who murder get sent to the moon to die."

"That is the fucking STUPIDEST way to execute somepony!" I growled.

"You wanna experience how stupid it is?" Celestia hissed back.

"This isn't why I came here! I came to tell you that your three leading captains now know how to use both the rifles and pistols, and they can teach the lower ranks how to use them."

"Okay, now go!" she said as her horn grew a tinted sky blue again. In a flash of light, I was back in me and Connor's new house. He was sitting at the table in our little "kitchen" area with a displeased expression on his face.

"There you are" he said angrily as he pushed himself back onto his feet. "Why in the hell do we have to eat this floral shit?!"

"Ponies are herbivores!" I replied, annoyed. "You didn't know that?"

"Do I look like a fuckin' farmer to you, brother?"

"No"

"Exactly!" he said in a smart-ass tone.

"Well I have to live with it, too so don't you be complaining!" We got back to work after we got done arguing. It was late, so I only got started on 2 rifles, 1 that I was already more than halfway done with. That night, I couldn't sleep at all. I kept thinking about why Celestia would kill a pony by sending them to the moon. Didn't she do that to her younger sister? Well, they are pretty much gods, so I guess they can live without breathing… or heat… or water…

Eventually, I just got sick of sitting there in bed, so I got up and went to my workspace and pulled out my M1 Garand. I continued to work on in through the rest of the night. I finished it after a few hours and then I started customizing it. I put a scope on it, made a bayonet (I knew I wouldn't use it but what the hell!) I even decided to paint "Born to Kill" on it, because Full Metal Jacket is my all-time favorite war-based movie.

Right as I was completely finished and the sun was just beginning to rise over the rolling green hills, I heard a frantic knock at the door. I raced over to open it, since the knock sounded urgent. It was an out-of-breath Twilight. She tried to speak but only managed to squawk out a few words that were impossible to make out and wheeze a lot. She finally gave up and used her magic to toss me a piece of parchment-like paper. I picked it up and began to read it. As I read on and on my facial expression grew more nervous.

Connor came in to see what was going on…

I told him straight out: "Equestria is at war"

Chapter name based on the song "Getting Away With Murder" by Papa Roach (Never actually listened to the song, I'm just using the name).