BRITTANA IS NEVER OVER. Just keep that in mind, and you'll be fine.
Sorry for this dose of angst. Things will get better, kids, just keep on keepin' on.
Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed last chapter. This is late, I know, but I had the idea since the episode so I figured I might as well toss it out here before I do the next chapter, covering the wedding.
Happy angst-ing. D:
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
Wondering could you stay, my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No, she can't- 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone
Brittany knows whose car is parked in her driveway before she pulls in, and, not for the first time that day, she feels anticipation coiling in her stomach. She chews her lip nervously as she pulls in next to Santana's car, takes a deep breath to compose herself, and then climbs out, walking cautiously up to her front stoop. She doesn't know which Santana she expects to find, but she does expect Santana, and she mentally prepares herself for whatever Santana she may encounter.
Santana's sitting on the steps as Brittany walks up, still dressed in that sexy leather jacket, hair still pulled up in a tight ponytail- and Brittany has to bite her lip again as the memory of Santana's soft lips pressed briefly against hers earlier in the day resurfaces. She misses those lips.
Dark eyes trace Brittany's body, taking in her outfit, blatantly obvious in their appreciative leering, and Brittany struggles to find her voice because her mouth is suddenly dry and her throat is constricting, and her hearing is being overwhelmed with the sound of her pulse thundering in her ears.
I thought you left, Brittany says quietly, surprised at the steadiness of her voice. She expected Santana, but there was still a part of her that was worried she might not come (I can't) and Brittany's so, so relieved that she gets to see Santana one more time, even if it's under sad circumstances.
Santana shakes her head slowly, her eyes never leaving Brittany's body. How was your date? Santana asks tightly, and their eyes finally meet. Brittany swallows. Santana's eyes are black, her mood is black- Santana is black, and Brittany wishes that dreams didn't come at the cost of progress made over time.
It was- Brittany falters, then sighs. She doesn't want to do this. San, she murmurs, dropping her gaze. She just can't take Santana's intensity sometimes, it's too much. You know why-
I do, Santana interrupts, low, the edge of her anger and bitterness and sadness audible in her voice. It makes Brittany shiver. Santana's so black. But that doesn't mean I like it.
They are silent for a moment, regarding each other. Brittany knows what's about to happen- she expected Santana. It's why she didn't invite Sam over after their date and came straight home instead. She feels her pulse pick up at the look Santana is giving her, and she swallows again, hard.
Brittany opens her mouth. Do you-
Yes.
When Brittany's underneath Santana minutes later, naked and writhing, she bites her lip and struggles to hold in her desperate moans of pleasure- her parents are home, after all, and they expected her to be out with Sam all night, not home with Santana, not underneath Santana-
Brittany tugs Santana's face to hers and kisses her, trying to convey the love she has for the girl she's beneath- trying to tell Santana silently with her lips that she will always choose Santana, but in order to do that, she had to choose Sam now, and she hopes that it makes sense outside of her head.
Santana's emotions are more than clear in her kiss- she's sad, she's angry, she's frustrated, she's lost- and Brittany feels herself nearly close to tears, wishing she could help Santana, wishing dreams didn't come at the cost of progress made over time. Because Brittany will always put Santana first, before herself- because keeping Santana in Lima would be selfish, and Brittany can't do that- because Santana was miserable in Kentucky and she'd have Brittany in Lima but be miserable still, and Brittany knows if she hadn't chosen Sam, if she'd allowed Santana to give up her dreams, then there would be resentment, there'd be regression, and Brittany cares too much about their future, about the final chapters of their story where they are written happily ever after, to hold too tightly to Santana during the middle chapters. Brittany's already read the ending- and there are some things she's willing to give up, like a few boring pages devoted to Sam- but there are some things- like futures with Santana- that she isn't.
Santana reaches down to enter Brittany and Brittany grabs her wrist to deter her, bringing Santana's hand up to her face and turning to kiss Santana's palm instead. She closes her eyes as she presses her parted lips to the smooth, sensitive skin, and when she re-opens them and finds Santana's eyes- black with turmoil- she reaches up to cup Santana's face and pull her into another soft, gentle kiss. Santana's a storm inside, and Brittany does her best to calm it with soothing touches and kisses and silent words. She wraps a tender arm around Santana's lower back and rolls them, repositioning Santana's legs over hers so that her hips fit between them, and she presses her center to Santana's, watching as Santana arches beneath her, barely containing her storm.
Brittany leans down to press a fervent kiss under Santana's chin, rocking her hips slowly- it's more than just getting off to her, and she reminds Santana that there is love between them, love that exists only for Santana and not for Sam- because unlike with Arty, Brittany never said she loved Sam- because Santana is the one she loves, Santana is her everything, and there's no room in her heart for anyone else when all of it belongs to Santana.
Brittany rolls her hips again, kisses Santana's jaw. I love you. She kisses the hinge, beneath Santana's earlobe. I love you. She kisses her cheekbone, her temple, her forehead. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Santana kisses Brittany's neck, hesitant, tentative. You love me? Then why did you choose Sam?
I chose you. I always choose you. You're everything to me, Santana.
Santana presses her face into Brittany's jaw, breathes over her skin, takes a shuddering breath. Her grip on Brittany tightens. Britt-
Shh, Brittany whispers. I've got you.
Santana sobs with emotion, thrusts her hips up into Brittany's, allows Brittany to stroke her higher at a slow pace, allows Brittany to tear down her walls gently, pushing her way back in- and when Santana finally crumbles beneath Brittany with a strangled cry, Brittany holds her tighter, kisses her face lovingly, reassuringly, before allowing herself to come undone, too.
They hold each other, trembling, and Brittany allows Santana to kiss her fiercely for long moments before she realizes that Santana is struggling to hold in her sobs. She pulls back and Santana breaks, crying against Brittany's chest, and Brittany shifts them so that Santana is curled up against her, feeling Santana's hot tears run down her neck as Santana buries her face there, her sobs making her whole body shake.
For an instant, Brittany almost calls the whole thing off- she can't bear to see Santana in so much pain. Was she wrong? Did she make the wrong choice? Would Santana be happy being stagnant in Lima, but being with Brittany? Brittany feels her throat tightening with emotion, and she wishes again that dreams didn't come at the cost of progress made over time.
No, Santana belongs in New York. She has to stand by what she said. She's seen the happily ever after, and she won't give that up for anything, not even temporary happiness now. They'll have their forever in New York, Brittany knows- and Santana just needs to know, too.
I love you, Santana whimpers, her hand clutching at Brittany's shoulder. I love you, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay? Please don't do this.
Brittany feels her own tears surfacing. Santana, she says hoarsely. She can barely find her voice. Her chest feels like it's being stabbed or stepped on or both, and she can hardly breathe. Her throat hurts and to distract herself, she kisses Santana's forehead. I love you, too, San. So, so much.
Then why-
Because you say the dream and I help build the dream, remember? Brittany says firmly, trying to hold on to her resolve. Trying to hold on to her own tears. Trying to just hold on-
Santana freezes, and Brittany holds her breath as Santana lifts her head and dark eyes regard Brittany's thoroughly. They stare at each other for long moments, Santana's gaze deep and intense, and Brittany feels anxious under her stare, feels words- confessions- trying to bubble out of her throat but she can't, she can't tell Santana out loud because it will ruin everything-
Brittany can't tell Santana that when she said Sam made her feel smart, she didn't mean in the way Santana makes her feel smart. Sam will never make Brittany feel as smart as Santana makes her feel, but she can't compare everything to Santana- because nobody will ever be Santana, nobody will ever be perfect for Brittany like Santana is perfect for Brittany.
It hurts that you're choosing Sam, Santana confesses in a whisper, but Brittany knows that she means It hurts that we have to be apart and her eyes are so dark and Santana's so black and she looks into Brittany's eyes, so intense it makes Brittany shiver, makes her stomach tense and the hairs on the back of her neck tingle, but then Santana's eyes are softening. Her edges are becoming less sharp, and Brittany watches the gradual shift from black to brown in Santana.
Santana knows now. Santana says, It isn't fair, Brittany, and Brittany hears the silent that you should give up so much for my dreams, but Santana's still talking, still telling Brittany that she's never giving up on them, and that she may go off to New York, but she's not going off to find a girlfriend, and Brittany's breath catches in her throat as she realizes Santana does know, she does get it, and maybe Santana's finally read the end of their story, the happily ever after.
When Brittany wakes up the next morning after Santana is gone, she's overcome with sadness. Santana's in New York, and all Brittany feels is empty, because it's hard to remember the ending of a story when you're living in the middle chapters.
It isn't fair that Brittany should give up so much for Santana's dreams, because Brittany gave up her own dreams for Santana.
Because Santana is Brittany's dream.
And now her dream is gone.
Oh man, I can't wait until Brittana get back together. :')
It will get better, I promise! Even if the show doesn't- which it WILL- I'll make sure this story has a happy ending. :)
Review if you're still alive and feel like it. If not, see you next time!