Being Human Sucks
Burger World.
"You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy…" Kisuke had joked when they had told him about their new job working together in one location, an obscure reference to a movie of some sort, but Ulquiorra had failed to recognize it.
Although as he listened to his companions talk, he concluded that Urahara may have been more correct than he had ever realized.
"I don't get why she's so mad at me…" Tyn was saying, "I mean, it was just a stupid cat."
"Why did you eat the fucking cat?" asked Grimmjow in a low growl, a faint twitch in his eye that told Ulquiorra the sexta was about to do something violent.
"I hate cats: they're stupid, self-centered, and completely useless."
"I'll show you 'stupid,' you son of a—" roared Grimmjow as he lunged forward, only to have Ulquiorra catch him by the back of his shirt collar and yank him backwards before shoving a mop into his hands.
"Clean the dining room, Grimmjow."
"The hell I will! I'm going to smash his godda—" ranted the blue-haired Espada, but the pale number four silenced him with a glare that spoke louder than words ever could.
Clean the dining room or else.
Still cursing under his breath, a sulking Grimmjow took the mop and headed out to the empty dining room as Ulquiorra directed Tyn to return to the grill and Starrk to the drive-through window. For himself, the cuarto finished preparing his own meager lunch and retreated into the small manager's office to eat in relative peace and quiet. He could have brought something from home; there were plenty of leftovers in Orihime's fridge since she usually cooked enough for a small army, and she'd even volunteered to make him something fresh for lunch before she left for school…
Ulquiorra was too respectful of a guest to come out and actually say that in any other environment Orihime's cooking would be considered a weapon of terror, but he wasn't willing to eat any more of it than he positively had to, either. Greasy hamburgers and slightly-overcooked chicken nuggets were not exactly his meal of choice, but with all things considered…
Logic dictated that sooner or later he would grow used to the…uniqueness of the woman's cooking, which was simultaneously comforting and frightening; ice cream, he thought, should not burn one's mouth and pudding should not be a soupy, filmy mess.
Better than eating domestic animals, he supposed.
"Hey, Starrk," he heard Tyn saying outside the office, "you know, these nuggets taste exactly like cat."
Ulquiorra paused and looked down at the small, crispy piece of "chicken" still in his hand.
It can't be…
But then again, Burger World did boast the cheapest chicken in town by far, though he had never before given an ounce of thought as to where it all came from or if it was as "100% natural" as the boxes in the freezer proclaimed.
He eyed the now-suspicious piece of meat dubiously, weighing his options.
And then, after careful consideration of the alternative, ate the nugget anyway.
The chicken finished, he moved on to his oh-so disgustingly-greasy cheeseburger, picking it up and staring at it for a long moment.
It was times like this that he found himself almost longing for his days in Los Noches…
Still, better this than bringing in a lunch prepared by Orihime… He just hoped that the "beef patty" was, in fact, beef.
Being an "emotionless prick," as Halibel called him, had its advantages; it allowed him to keep a straight face while Orihime regaled him with her horrendous ideas for new recipes, enabled him to endure Grimmjow's impulsive tendencies without losing his temper, and it allowed him to slowly eat this disgusting piece of trash that humans called food without vomiting.
Ulquiorra was half-finished with his hamburger when he heard a splashing sound out in the dining room, followed by an explosive burst of swearing from Grimmjow.
He sat the burger down and quickly cleaned his fingers off with a napkin before stepping out of the office to see what the moronic number six had done this time.
"I just cleaned that shit!" bellowed Grimmjow at a customer, a human teenager who was wincing underneath the Espada's barely-restrained fury.
A simple mistake was all it was, that much was obvious to Ulquiorra; the teen had unfortunately spilt his soda across the table he'd been sitting at and he appeared to be genuinely sorry for the mess.
"I'm sorry, man; look, I'll clean it up, okay?" he offered, trying to diffuse the situation with a smile.
A more than generous gesture really, since cleaning was Grimmjow's task anyway.
"Oh, you're going to clean it up, all right…" said Grimmjow, a feral grin creeping across his face. Without warning he seized the teen by his head and slammed it against the table, using the human's brown hair to soak up the large pool of soda.
"Grimmjow!" barked Ulquiorra, raising his voice as he marched forward, "Release him at once!"
The unfortunate teenager was busy screaming apologies and begging for mercy as the insane Espada relentlessly rubbed his head back and forth against the table.
"Mercy? Mercy? Be grateful I'm not tearing your lungs out, you little shit!"
"Grimmjow…" warned Ulquiorra, dropping his voice to its usual unnerving monotone, but it was no use; Grimmjow was completely absorbed in torturing the human.
"And after we finish cleaning the table," he said, grinning psychotically, "I'm going to cram you into the dumpster with the rest of the trash!"
Enough was enough as Ulquiorra stepped in and pried the human from Grimmjow's grasp and using strength that belied his thin frame, flung the crazed sexta across the dining room, knocking over a couple of tables that weren't bolted down and sending chairs flying.
"What the fuck was that—" started Grimmjow as he sat up rubbing his head, but a cold glare bearing the promise of a swift death from Ulquiorra silenced him.
"Yeah, maybe you should just go scrub the toilets, Grimmjow," suggested Tyn, "until you can stop being a menace to the customers."
"Mind your own goddamned—"
"Grimmjow," began Ulquiorra, "go clean the bathrooms while I take care of this. And I would advise you not to argue with me at the moment."
Growling darkly the entire time, Grimmjow reluctantly headed to the back to clean the restrooms, leaving the dining area in a mess and no doubt thinking of a thousand different ways he'd like to kill the human, the cuarto, and Tyn.
Ulquiorra was at least glad he didn't need to tell the other two to return to work this time; Tyn was already back in the kitchen and Starrk was returning to his post at the drive-through after watching Grimmjow's meltdown. Once again feeling thankful for being an "emotionless prick," Ulquiorra turned to the terrified and soda-soaked human and attempted to talk the boy out of suing the restaurant or having Grimmjow arrested for assault and battery.
In the background, he could hear the other two still talking.
"So, wait; does chicken taste like cat, or does cat taste like chicken? I'm confused now," said Tyn.
"Either way, I don't think I'm ever going to eat the nuggets again," replied Starrk as he put his headset back on.
Yes, it was days like this that truly made Ulquiorra miss Hueco Mundo.
Cars were interesting devices; for humans, who could barely run and couldn't even fly without mechanical assistance, cars provided a much quicker and more comfortable alternative to walking.
Not that Halibel would actually allow him to drive it even if they did have a car…
She was saving for one, Tyn knew that much, and she'd warned him that if he did anything foolish enough to force her to dip into those funds in order to repair the apartment or buy a replacement television again, there would be hell to pay.
Hands in his pockets as he walked down the sidewalk towards home, he ignored the chilly winter air as it blew around him as he thought about his new life.
His days of sprinting through the desert and the Menos Forest running from Aizen's extermination squads were over, as was the constant fight for survival, and the terrible loneliness that came from being a pack animal forced to live in exile and solitude…but things weren't as ideal as he'd always hoped for.
Halibel hated him and he had yet to figure out exactly why. It wasn't the mistakes he'd made since coming to Karakura, though he knew they didn't help the situation; no, her hostility had begun to surface before they had even moved away from the training area beneath the Urahara Shop. The only thing he could think of was that maybe, for some reason, she hadn't wanted to be saved, that she had welcomed death…but that didn't strike Tyn as being very likely, especially after watching her beat the snot out of Grimmjow and threaten to murder him if he jeopardized their cover.
Grimmjow… There was another problem; the sexta Espada's lust for fighting and violence made him unstable and dangerous, a threat to the safety of the pack. Worse still, prior to his exile, Tyn had been the original sexta Espada and Grimmjow seemed eager for a confrontation to prove that he was the superior number six. That would have to be addressed sooner or later and for the moment, Tyn was hoping it could wait until much later.
Ulquiorra wasn't too bad, at least; the cuarto Espada's unfeeling approach to literally everything in the world could be irritating as all hell, sure, but at least the pale man didn't seem to foster any hostility towards him. Tyn would even go as far as to say that Ulquiorra was the calm, logical linchpin that held them all together; Grimmjow was a sociopath, Halibel an unrepentant bitch, Starrk was lazy, and as for himself…well, he wasn't entirely sure what he'd classify himself as.
Starrk was, perhaps, the one he was most grateful to have in the pack; the elder Espada might be lazy, but his laid-back attitude was oddly comforting and at least he was willing to converse with Tyn without letting it degenerate into swearing and death threats. Yes, out of all of them, Tyn would have to say that the primera was by far the most agreeable of the bunch.
He paused momentarily, sniffing the air as his thoughts were swallowed up by an intoxicating scent the likes of which he'd not smelled in a long, long time…
A human soul, fresh by the smell of things.
Tyn turned his head, following the smell with his eyes back to an alleyway on the other side of the street. His sharp, green eyes could make out a corpse in the alley with a soul standing over it, looking down in confusion…and Tyn suddenly felt so very, very hungry.
How long had it been? How long had he been stuck eating human food instead of having a real soul?
Too long, he thought as his left hand closed around the piece of Soul Candy in his pocket that was supposed to be for emergencies only.
He was sure that his speed would let him get away with it and be back in his gigai before the Soul Society even noticed the blip on their radar screens. No one would know, no one would ever find out…
Scratch that, he thought sourly, Tia would know. Somehow, someway, she would find out.
He shuddered to think of what she would do to him for it, too.
She won't stop at killing me, that's for sure…
He continued to watch the soul for a couple of minutes, stewing over it all. There wasn't even a Soul Reaper in sight, and there was almost definitely another hollow tracking him down already…
"I'm probably going to regret this…" he sighed to himself as he crossed the street and entered the alleyway.
The soul was still completely oblivious to his presence as it stared down at its body in shock.
"He killed me…" it muttered, "all this, just for a wallet…"
"Ain't life a bitch?" asked Tyn from behind and the spirit spun around in fright, backing up over its own corpse and pressing its back to the far wall.
"Please, whoever you are, don't hurt me!"
"Don't tempt me…" hissed the arrancar. "Look, I'm here to do you a favor; new souls like you are supposed to cross over to a place called the Soul Society when they die, but you didn't. You're going to have to find yourself a Soul Reaper and ask them to send you on your way."
"Who are they and why can't I stay here?" questioned the soul, clearly dubious as to why he should trust the crimson-haired stranger before him.
"They're a bunch of idiots who wear this goofy-looking black uniform and carry swords around with them. They're spirits like you, so no one can see them except the dead and other 'special' people like me. And if you stay here, a hollow will eat you."
"Wait…" stammered the man, "what do you mean it will eat me?"
"What part of eating something do you not understand?" growled a frustrated Tyn. "It's exactly what it sounds like. Hollows are corrupted spirits who have become monsters, and they feed on other spirits like you."
And with perfect timing, a hollow cry echoed across the city as the sun began to go down. The spirit turned pale as Tyn grinned evilly.
"That's a hollow right there… It smells dinner; it smells you."
"Oh no, no no no, I don't want to be eaten!" cried the soul. "Help me find a Soul Reaper, please!"
Tyn stepped back as if he'd been burned.
"I…can't. Long, complex story. Look, just find some moron wearing all black and carrying a sword, and that'll be a Soul Reaper, or if you can survive until morning, go to Karakura High and seek out some stupid brat named Kurosaki; he can help you."
"O-o-okay… Thank—"
"And don't you dare mention me to him or anyone else, you got that? This little talk never happened and I don't exist."
"Yeah…okay. Thank you!" called the spirit, but Tyn was already heading back across the street, mourning over his lost meal.
He was aware that he had "done the right thing," as humans would say and he was also painfully aware now that doing the right thing positively sucked. His only consolation was that if he couldn't eat a soul tonight, then nobody else would, either.
The rest of his walk home was equally miserable as a near-freezing rain had begun to fall shortly after leaving the alleyway and the lost soul, leaving a very wet and very annoyed Tyn cursing the human world once more.
At least it's over now, he thought sourly as he entered the apartment before suddenly remembering that, no, it was never over as long as he was living with Tia; something would go horribly wrong before the night was over, that much was assured.
Cold and hungry, he made his way to the refrigerator, determined to at least cure one of his problems…
He opened the door and moved the milk aside, and…wait, where was it?
"God damn it!" he snarled, as he began to tear through the contents of the refrigerator, tossing water bottles and foodstuffs out into the floor.
"It's gone," said Tia softly from behind and Tyn whirled to see her leaning casually against the wall, watching him coolly. "I took care of it."
"So you did eat it after all…" Tyn said accusingly as he began to pick up foodstuffs up from the floor and return them to the fridge as Halibel silently watched, scowling at him rather than answering.
Finished cleaning up his mess, he made his way to the living room, nervously noting that Halibel followed right behind him; if the shark was stalking him, then she was definitely pissed about something.
"I was about to do the laundry earlier…" she began finally, "and guess what I found in the hamper with all the whites?"
"Underwear?" he guessed, hoping she wasn't somehow upset over the other thing he'd left in there for her.
"Blood. Lots of blood. Want to explain that?"
"Why are you asking me? I mean, you're the one who—" he started, but was cut off abruptly as she seized him by the throat with her left hand and slammed him against the wall roughly.
"I found what was left of the cat…" she snarled. "Why the hell did you put a bloody cat pelt in with the whites?"
"…because it's white?" he choked out weakly.
"It's a cat skin!" she roared, producing the bloodied fur from behind her back, "A stupid, bloody cat skin! Jesus, couldn't you have at least dried off all the blood before you threw it in? All of my whites are ruined because of you!"
"I…I…th-thought you m…might w-want…the…fur," he gasped as she tightened her grip, her inhuman strength threatening to snap the faux body's neck.
"I see…" she said calmly as she released him, with Tyn collapsing to the ground gasping for air for a few moments before managing to stand up once more.
"It's kinda a present for you, and—"
*POW!*
Tyn crumpled to the floor, out cold from the savage shot to his skull as a frustrated Halibel exhaled slowly.
"Idiot."