A/N: Rachel Berry and her thoughts. Set after 4x14. Speculation fic. Title from Sad Beautiful Tragic by Taylor Swift.
She realises at two in the morning, her mind wandering because she couldn't fall asleep quickly. And now she thinks that she may be pregnant. There may be a tiny baby boy or girl already growing inside of her. She slips out of bed quietly, careful not to wake Brody up, she wouldn't want to explain this to him right now.
She walks across the apartment to the bathroom, shutting the door as quietly as she can; she'd rather not explain this to Kurt or Santana either. She sits on the lid of the toilet and runs her hands over her face. It's almost been four weeks since the wedding, since the night she last had sex. She washes her face with warm water, silently telling herself that everything is going to be okay, even if she knows it won't be if she is pregnant. She'll get a pregnancy test tomorrow when she's alone.
She leaves the bathroom with more on her mind, her thoughts mostly taken up by the tall boy with the amber eyes who lives back in Lima. She thinks about him and makes a mental note not to say anything before she finds out if she is with child or not. She wouldn't dare put him through a second pregnancy scare before he's twenty.
She slips back into bed, beside Brody, who has taken up most of the space while she was gone. She balances herself, almost on the edge, careful not to touch him. It's eight in the morning when she realises she didn't get more than an hour's sleep.
Brody barely says two words to her before he's out the door, and she's kinda thankful for that. She's not exactly in the mood to speak to him, especially knowing that she might be carrying Finn's baby. Kurt has a few classes in the morning, and he hugs her goodbye before he leaves too. Santana doesn't exactly have anywhere to be, but Rachel knows she sleeps in until one in the afternoon, and figures out that this is the best time for her to take the pregnancy test.
She picks up two pregnancy tests and a bottle of water at the pharmacy a few blocks from the apartment. The guy on the register gives her a weird look and she knows he's thinking that she looks too young to even want one of those tests. She doesn't even pretend to care.
Her walk back the apartment takes longer, so she pulls her coat tighter around her body and lets her thoughts drift back to Finn. She remembers back to when he did Grease with the glee club, and how he said no contact, not even in song. She thinks that was because he knew, even subconsciously, that things would end up like this if they sung together.
She wants to hate him, but she can't, not after the wedding night and how he treated her with such care and love. She knows they still love each other, and if it's possible, she thinks the bond between them is stronger now, baby or not. He told her about flowers, it's a weird thing to talk with Finn about, but the more she thinks about it, the more it makes sense. Flowers die in the winter and then come back over spring. He's referring to their relationship. It died over winter, and perhaps it'll start back up again when spring starts. She hopes so.
She thinks more about that night with Finn, how they fit so well together, even after months apart. Like two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together. They're always going to be like that. They're Finn and Rachel, after all. But her mind goes back to Brody, and she notes that their relationship is not as strong as the relationship she has with Finn, and it never will be. She just thinks that she and Brody are the wrong two puzzle pieces to put together, that they're never going to fit. It doesn't matter how many times you try to force them together.
She's walking up the stairs to the apartment before she realises it, and she hopes that Santana is still sleeping because she certainly doesn't want to have a discussion with her right now.
She fiddles in the bathroom before taking the test, setting it on the edge of the sink and sitting back to wait until it's ready. She thinks about Finn again. How gentle he was with her the night of the wedding, like he was scared that she'd break or run away. And she feels so bad for leaving him asleep in that hotel room, but he knew the night was only going to end like that, didn't he?
The timer on her phone beeps before she's ready to know the result, so she sits there for another minute, her heart beating faster and faster with each passing second. Carefully, she picks the stick up, her eyes clamped shut so she doesn't catch a glimpse of the result before she's ready for it. She turns the stick in her hands, opening her eyes slowly, so she's squinting and looks at the result. One word. Pregnant.
The tears fall down her cheeks before she even realises what it means. She's pregnant with Finn Hudson's child and he doesn't even know. She should call him.
She doesn't call him. She just curls up on the couch with her favourite blanket, her tears clouding her vision as she tries to watch Funny Girl. She's supposed to be going to an afternoon class in twenty minutes, and she knows she'll get a call from Brody when she doesn't turn up. She won't answer it. She pauses Funny Girl and turns the television off, twirling the stick in her hand as she feels the tears roll down her cheeks again.
Santana wakes up about twenty minutes before one, and comes out into the living room to find Rachel crying on the couch. She's by Rachel's side in an instant, pulling the stick from her hands as Rachel cries hysterically. Santana looks at the stick for longer than Rachel thinks she needs to before placing it on the table and pulling Rachel in for a hug.
Santana pulls back after a minute. "Who?"
Rachel wipes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "Finn." She sighs. "At the wedding. Please don't tell anyone."
"Okay." Santana says, giving Rachel a sincere look and pulling her back into her embrace. Rachel just cries into her shoulder until she falls asleep.
When Rachel wakes up it's the next morning. She can hear Santana and Kurt fighting over something else, and Rachel hopes she didn't tell Kurt already. Her heart drops at the thought of it. She joins them in the kitchen, pulling a sweater over her head. Santana rushes to her side in an instant, and from the look on Kurt's face he doesn't know anything.
"Kurt doesn't know. Also, I kicked Brody out." Santana whispers in her ear before rushing off again, mumbling things under her breath.
Rachel nods and curls herself on the couch again, placing her head on the arm rest. She's almost asleep when there's a loud knock on the door. Santana starts cursing in a mix of Spanish and English, and from what Rachel can tell he's too early. Who is too early?
She doesn't move from her spot on the couch to see who's at the door, but she can hear Santana fussing over whoever it is. "On the couch." Santana says, and suddenly Rachel's more interested on who is in the apartment. She listens, but she can't tell who it is without hearing their voice or seeing their face.
But she doesn't have to think about it anymore when two strong, familiar arms wrap around her, pulling her as close as they can. It's the feeling of being home again, like she's finally safe. The tears well up in her eyes and she cries into his shirt, breathing Finn into his chest as she tries to hold him closer. She's glad Santana told him.
"Shh, Rach." He says, so sweet, so caring. She's missed him so much. "Everything will be okay, i'm here now. I'm not going anywhere."
She thinks he's crying too, and as he lays with her on the couch, his words of i'm here now, it's alright being muttered into her hair as he rubs his hand up and down her back, she doesn't think she's ever loved anybody more than she loves him now.
And for the first time since she arrived in New York, she thinks she's finally where she truly belongs.