three.
In the early hours of the morning, Connor shook me awake. At first I was agitated and wanted to sleep, but then I heard him talking about 'the radio' and 'Morocco' and 'a ferry' and 'safe spots' and 'shuttles'. I followed him out to where everyone was gathered. I heard a staticy voice emanating from the radio.
"-in Morocco, and have ferries' running back and forth to New York, free of charge. They have quarantined and are currently running shuttles to Cleveland, Dallas, Phoenix, Salt Lake, Seattle and Minneapolis. I repeat, the Red Cross has set up a relief effort in Morocco, and have ferries' running back and forth to New York, free of charge. They have quarantined and are currently running shuttles to Cleveland, Dallas, Phoenix, Salt Lake, Seattle and Minneapolis. Those cities are quarantined and safe. That is all." And then it all went static again.
"Can you guys believe it?" Schrader screeched, "We're practically on track to Morocco. We could go to Salt Lake!"
"Oh, please!" Nabulungi cried, tears of joy on track down her thin face. "Let's go. Please, Elders!"
"Yes! Yes, we must." Kalimba was shaking with excitement.
"Connor," I turned to him, "It's up to you."
"You are still mission leader," Davis added.
"I think we should try," He sighed after a moment, "But I don't want you guys to get your hopes up, okay? Morocco is a long ways away."
There was a cheer, and we decided to eat breakfast then begin charting our course. Middala brought out the MRE's from the village and gave them to Kalimba and Kimbay to prepare.
"Where are Church and Poptarts?" Davis asked not long after. My stomach bottomed out. They were nowhere to be seen.
"I'm not sure. I'll go look," I offered. Connor grabbed my wrist.
"Be careful." He told me. I nodded and fought my way into the brush. Most of the branches were more broken than they had been the night before, and I told myself that was good. A few feet away from our little camp, I hear a wet slurping noise, and prepared myself for what I was about to see- a Sick person eating the guts of my friends. But that mental image in no way prepared me for what I was about to see.
"Elders?" I asked loudly, coming upon the clearing where they stood. Church had Poptarts pinned against a tree, ties on the ground and shirts unbuttoned. Poptarts was red and his hair was messy. It didn't take Moroni, an all-seeing entity, to know what was going on. Poptarts pushed himself off of the tree and stumbled towards me.
"Elder Price, please don't tell anyone." He begged.
"But you guys, it's…. It's not something to be ashamed of." I told them, remembering how accepting they were of Connor, despite the fact that he hadn't formally come out yet.
"We know, we just… it's been a secret for so long, and we're just not ready yet." Church explained. I nodded. "We aren't ashamed. Heavenly Father still loves us. Just like he still loves you and McKinley," He pulled Poptarts to him by his waist. I hadn't come out either, but I guess I hadn't been very discreet lately. "Just… please. Don't tell anyone."
"Of course. I would never out you guys." I told them. They smiled. Then Poptarts narrowed his eyes at me. "E- Elder, may I speak to you?"
"Of course," I said, and Church left us to talk.
"I just wanted to talk to you about Elder McKinley," He explained, "I've seen the way you two act, and I just wanted to make sure you understand him and all of his thoughts. He is terrified of himself, of being gay, even though we know that Heavenly Father doesn't care. He… Hates himself. He thinks that he's unloveable, and that he's going to hell. Just don't pressure him into being with you. If he doesn't even love himself, how can he love you?"
I nodded, slightly taken aback. I knew that Connor's thoughts were bad, but I didn't know that they were that bad. "O-okay. Thank you Elder," I sighed, turning to leave. I heard a rustling and prepared to run in case it was a Sick person, but it was just Church, hands over his crotch and a blush on his face.
"As you were," I smirked as I walked back to camp. I found a lump in my throat. I knew that Heavenly Father still loved us all, but Connor didn't. He wouldn't accept it. I just wish I could make him understand.
That was a planning day. Gotswana and Mafala made a makeshift fence with some fishing wire that we had while the rest of us charted a course to Morocco. The next day, we would drive all day to Wau, and settle there for the night to sleep. Zelder, always the math whiz, estimated that we would get to Morocco in about five days.
We relaxed for the rest of that day. Kimbay and Middala sang some African songs, and Davis read us some poetry. It was nice.
That night, as we were settling in, I pulled Connor aside. "Hey, I gotta talk to you."
All colour drained from his face. "W- what about, Kevin?"
"I just wanted to let you know that I don't want you to feel pressured. Like, I know that we've been becoming closer and acting different around each other, and I just… I don't want you to feel, like I said, pressured."
Connor backed away, and I instantly regretted speaking. "Kev- uh, Elder Price, I think we might need some, um, distance."
I couldn't find my voice. "What?" It came out weak and needy.
"I just…. I can't be gay. I can't. I'm already damned for having the thoughts. If I go any farther than that who knows what could happen?"
"Connor, please, you're fine. Heavenly Father still adores you, I promise." I reached out to put my hand on his shoulder, but he swatted it away.
"No!" He cried. "I'm terrible, Elder Price. I'm a bad Mormon, and I do bad, bad things. I'm damned. I can't risk it."
"Yes you can, because there's nothing to risk. Please, I… I love you." I muttered. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks.
"No, you don't." He told me, "You're perfect in every way. So you can't love me. I'm unloveable. I'm going to move to the other van." He sniffed as he walked away. As he left, I caught the sight of a white scar, just above where his shirt sleeve would be. It looked self-inflicted. I stood there, shocked. When I finally found my presence, I staggered into my van.
"Where is elder McKinley?" Arnold asked.
"He's… Switching vans." I choked out. Poptarts and Church exchanged a glance. Elder Michaels was Connor's replacement, but I made Mafala sit between us. Whatever Connor had told Michaels, I didn't want to hear.
I woke up some ten hours later, while we were driving. Everyone was asleep but Poptarts, who was at the wheel.
"What happened last night?" He demanded when he caught my eye in the mirror.
"I… I tried to tell him that I didn't want him to feel pressured, and he kept going on about how I'm perfect and he's damned and unloveable. I told him that I loved him," I sighed, looking out the window at the bodies on the ground.
"Okay," Poptarts breathed, "That's okay. We can deal with that. Do you really love him?"
I nodded solemnly. "He rebuked me. I'm heartbroken."
We droke for extended periods of time, and when we got to Wau, I refused to get out of the car. I just put a blanket over my head and laid down. Outside, I could hear Mafala hitting a Sick over the head with a pipe, a maneuver we had come up with yesterday that kept us relatively safe. It killed them off, for good. I cried until I was asleep. Without Connor, everything felt wrong, and I had gone and screwed it all up.