Second chapter up people! I felt like I went a little 'over the edge' with this chapter. Not sure if it's exactly like Sam would've put it, but yeah this is hoe it turned out. I'm not quite sure if the date matches, but I guessed so...
BTW: Working on the next chapter of "Things you didn't know", and I expect to be done within the week...BUT I CAN'T PROMISE! I'll do my best!
Well, enough said!
Here ya go!

September 19th, 1984

Dear Diary,

Well, this is just perfect timing I guess. I thought that I had thrown you away a long time ago. Apparently you've just been laying here and waited for me. Waiting for me to come out with more stupid stuff. Actually I'm filled with stupid stuff right now. Anger, bitterness.
I've just returned from Cheers after having the biggest fight with Diane ever which also turned out to be the end of our relationship. Feels like it has just been waiting around the corner the last couple of months. Especially this last month.
There've been so many things leading up to it. We always had our fights and discussions but they were all harmless compared to the ones we've had lately. They were never meant to hurt each other. I found myself happy every time I caused her pain. And to be serious, it freaks me out a bit! It's like I haven't been in control of my actions these last couple of times where we've had huge fights.
And clearly I showed that tonight. You know, she had gone behind my back. I told her not to get this Semenko guy to paint her and yet she did. Why? Because she wanted him to or because I didn't want him to? I got the answer of that later this evening.
She came down to the bar today with the painting. I was so furious. I felt betrayed. Betrayed like I did when she told me that she had taken another man to a concert without letting me know.
Long story, but since then I've been a lot meaner to her than what I attended to be.
I think that was about the time, I found myself enjoying the times I made her suffer.
I guess I just wanted her to know how it really feels when someone goes behind your back. But since I found myself unable to go behind her back, I just tried to make her surfer a bit in these silly arguments. I've never been so aware of going into an argument like this ever before.
Tonight was no excuse. She did it again. Went behind my back. This time I wasn't going to hold back. The whole thing ended up it slapping and nose-grabbing. It needed to get out for real now.
When I sort of calmed down, I tried to make everything okay again.
But it occurred to me that this couldn't be fixed at the exact moments she said:
You hit me!
The words hit me like a stone would. She meant it. She was frightened.
I tried to-
Yeah I'm not sure what I tried to. Before I knew she was about to leave. But not before I had said something.
I told her straight: Get the hell outta here. I threw her out.
She wasn't the only one that finished this relationship.
She gave me one last chance though. She told me that if I didn't stop her, this was the last time I'd see her. I sighed deeply. I knew it was over and so did she. I didn't say anything else before she had already opened the door.
I felt a sudden urge to stop her but instead I said goodbye to her and vice versa.
And that was that. I saw her legs run up the stairs. I was so close. So close to run after her.
But I came to my senses.
I turned around, walked around and then came to think of it.
It was still there. The painting. I took a knife, opened it and saw it.
There she was. On a painting. But it didn't look like her. It didn't look like the Diane I know.
The one on the painting showed clear unhappiness, anger, pain and so much more of the bad stuff. There was only the feeling of sadness about the painting.
Suddenly I came to realize all the pain I caused her. All the times I hurt her on purpose. All the times where I clearly I haven't given her what she deserves. It made me understand, somehow.
That I would never be the man she wanted me to be. Instead I turned in to something even worse.
She tried to make me better causing herself all that trouble and pain.
I found myself pleasing her to forgive me inside my head. Saying "I'm sorry" over and over again.
I can't-
I can't describe how I'm feeling right now. Sitting here in darkness with only a candle to light up the whole living room. My chest hurts badly, my hands are trembling and I have this lump in my throat. The silence is overwhelmingly awful.
I took a bottle of vodka home with me. I know it will happen sooner or later so why not start now?
Make the pain go away.
Make it all disappear.
This might be the last page I'll ever write in this diary. I need to put it away. I started this when I was with her and I'm ending it today without her.
I know- that she'll never see it, never look for it, but I'm gonna do it anyway.
It'll be on the back of the painting of pain itself. There'll be a note. It won't make up for all.
But I hope that it'll tell that I wasn't proud of what I made her go through. Not a single bit.
Goodbye forever diary. I will put you behind just like I'll put her behind in my booze. Never to be found, only forgotten.
Goodbye.

Sam.