CHAPTER 4
I turned around as if in slow motion. I watched as the door slowly opened, with myself frozen in time and helpless to stop it. There, standing in the doorway, was Riker.
He saw me as soon as the door opened. He frowned, stepping through. Later, I remembered his face and realized that he was mentally running through a list of the crew, trying to place me, but at the moment I couldn't think much of anything. I couldn't believe this was happening. Not now, not when the voyage was almost over.
A few seconds passed, but it felt like years as we stared at each other. Finally, Riker spoke.
"Who are you?"
He was confused at my being there, but also angry. I was intruder in his quarters, and he was the First Officer.
"I…I'm…" I stuttered, unable to find words or indeed think of anything to say. What could I say? "You…"
"I don't recognize you. You're not part of the crew," Riker said. It wasn't a question, it was a statement. I could see his hand start to move, ready to call in an intruder alert.
"No!" I said, stepping forward. My reaction must have surprised him, because he paused. It was only for a second, but it was what I needed. "Don't call security."
"You don't belong on the Enterprise, which means that you are an intruder. Why shouldn't I call security?" Riker asked. He started to move his hand towards his com badge again, ready to call for Worf.
"Because I'm Tasha." The words were out before I could stop them. If I had been thinking clearly, I wouldn't have said them. I would have disappeared into some tiny form, unable to be seen. Or, at the very least, have let him think I was nothing more than a normal Sandorian. I could have even passed for human if they didn't scan me. But I hadn't been thinking clearly for the past five days. Not since I had come on board.
Riker looked slightly confused, but not enough. He obviously hadn't connected his cat Tasha and this strange woman standing before him. He was only confused because I thought that he should know who I was.
"Tasha who?"
I looked at him, regretting saying what I had said, and wondering if I could reach him some other way. Wondering what I could say or do to get him to not call security. What story could I tell him? My brain was already cycling through stories and plausible made-up scenarios, when I stopped it. No, I realized. I wanted to tell him the truth. Not just so I could try to get out of something, but because I didn't want to lie to him. I didn't want to trick him.
I couldn't tell him the truth, though, could I? I'd been hiding who I really was for years, why should I tell Riker now? I should have just told him a lie, and then gotten out of there somehow.
"Please, don't call security," I said again, not sure what I was going to say, bumbling along. "Just, let me explain. Please."
"Explain what?" Riker asked. I could tell that he was still confused, but he also had the hard, Starfleet look of an officer faced with a hostile. I'd seen it before. You could see them mentally going over all of the protocol and combat training that they had ever learned. And they were ready to use it.
"It's me, Will, it's Tasha," I said. I wasn't sure why I called him Will. I hadn't thought of him as anything other than 'Riker' ever since I had met him. "Your cat."
Riker's calculating look was replaced by one of utter confusion and disbelief.
"What?" he asked. He obviously thought that I, whoever I was, had lost it.
"I'm Tasha. I'm your cat," I said, as if he could understand that. He couldn't, and he didn't answer. He still looked like he thought that I was either crazy or making up a very elaborate and stupid lie. "Look," I finally said.
Without allowing myself to think of the possible outcomes of such an action, I immediately transformed into a cat, the same cat that had been living with Riker for the past five days. A few seconds later, I was Tasha again.
Riker had his phaser out and was pointing it at me. For some reason, that small and understandable gesture hurt me more than anything I'd ever experienced.
I slowly put my hands up.
"I'm not going to…" I paused, then shook my head. "I don't want to hurt anyone," I said. Then I realized that that might sound like a threat. "I won't hurt anyone."
"Who are you?" Riker demanded.
"I'm Tasha," I said again. "I'm a shape-shifter." He had probably gathered that already, though.
"You're the cat?!" Riker asked, surprise in his voice. And something else. Disappointment? Why?
I nodded.
"How did you get in here?" Riker asked, still pointing the phaser at me. A small part of my brain wondered why he hadn't called security yet.
"I walked in," I said, keeping my hands up. I didn't want him to phaser me, not until I explained. "At the Starbase. I thought this was a supply cabinet, so I was going to hide here. Remember when you first saw me? When you and LaForge were talking about the repairs? I had just come on board. I barely managed to change into the cat when you came in."
I wasn't sure why I was explaining it to him. Why didn't I just escape or tell him to hurry up and put me in the brig already? Because those were obviously the only two options.
Riker was still staring at me. I could tell that he was trying to realize that I was the person he had been living with for the past five days.
"What are you doing on the Enterprise?" Riker asked.
"I needed transportation," I told him.
"Where to?"
I shrugged. "Anywhere." I might as well tell him the truth. "It didn't really matter."
Riker was silent for a minute. I could tell he was trying to not so much work it out but accept it.
"That's all you wanted? Transportation to anywhere? You haven't done anything to the ship?"
Is that what he thought? That I was a saboteur?
"I haven't done anything," I told him. "I wasn't trying to hurt the Enterprise or her crew. I just needed to get away, and the Enterprise was there."
Silence. Riker was gazing at me, frowning. I wished that I could have my cat sense back, for I wanted to know what he was feeling. Cats can smell emotions.
"I'm not going to hurt anyone," I said, nodding at the phaser. "And I won't try to get away. You can call security now, if you want. I don't mind; I won't escape. I'm tired…" I wavered off, not knowing what to say. "I'm tired of running."
I realized that this was true. I didn't care if he called security. Despite everything that was going on, and that was going to happen to me, I couldn't help feeling a sense of relief. I had grown so used to lying and hiding that I hadn't even realized what a weight it was. But now, now that I wasn't hiding anything from anyone, there was nothing to worry about and nothing to hide. Everything that could happen already had.
Once I realized this, I almost smiled. I looked up at Riker, wanting to see what he had been thinking.
He had lowered one of his hands, the one that was about to tap the com badge. He still held the phaser, though he had lowered it somewhat. Not much, but I noticed it.
"Why were you pretending to be a cat?" he asked. He looked like he wanted to know, needed to know, the answer. I couldn't understand why, exactly. Of course he would want to know everything, but later on, when I was safely in the brig. Why did he need to know now?
"It was the first thing that I thought of," I told him. "You surprised me when you came in, so I didn't have much time to react." Then I added, "Plus, people don't tend to hurt cats, even when they aren't supposed to be there."
"And you've been hiding out here every since." It wasn't a question, but I answered it anyway.
"Yes." I could try to explain. Try to tell him how he had changed me more than anyone else in my life, except maybe my parents, and how he was the only who had changed me for the better. How he was the first person who I had trusted, really trusted, in a very long time. How his respect was the main thing I wanted right now.
But I didn't. He wouldn't be able to understand it, I wasn't sure if I did myself, and he wouldn't want to listen right now. Instead, I just said…
"I'm sorry."
He frowned more, confused.
"I didn't mean to lie to you. I just didn't want to get hurt." It sounded so pitiful.
For a few seconds, our eyes locked, really locked, and we gazed at each other. And for a few seconds, I forgot about security. I forgot about the phaser, and brig that surely awaited me.
Then he shook his head, breaking the connection. I looked down, sighing. Now, he would call security and everything would be over. They would put me in the brig for the rest of the journey, and then ship me out to the Romulans, Cardassians, Terellians, or whatever other species wanted me on stowaway charges.
"What's you're name?"
I looked up, not having expected the question. Riker had lowered the phaser more.
"Tasha," I answered. He already knew that.
Riker shook his head. "You're real name."
"That is my real name. Tasha Lawrence. It always has been. I don't know how you guessed it, but you did."
I was surprised that something like that could still surprise him after what had just happened, but it did.
"Your…fur," he said finally. "It reminded me of someone I used to know."
This was starting to feel like a normal conversation. I realized that I was still holding my hands up, so I slowly lowered them. Riker noticed, but he didn't say anything. Neither of us said anything. Suddenly, it seemed like there wasn't anything else to say.
"Why aren't you trying to escape?" Riker asked, pulling me back to reality. His voice was sharp again, businesslike. "You could have when I first came in. Or even now."
I could have told him that it was never a good idea to tell your prisoner that it was very possible for them to escape, but I didn't.
"I don't want to escape." It was the truth. "I'm tired of running and hiding all the time. It's all I've been doing for a long time, and I don't want to do it anymore."
"We'll put you in the brig," Riker continued as if he hadn't heard me.
"I know." I'd known it ever since I had first decided to stay on in Riker's quarters. "And then you'll probably turn me over to some other species that want me on stowaway and trespassing charges, and they will do what they want with me. I know how this works."
Riker frowned. I wasn't sure what he was going to do or say next. He obviously didn't like the idea of turning me over to another species, but I wasn't sure if it was because he wanted Starfleet to have jurisdiction over me or for some other reason. I never got to find out because, just then, the doorbell rang.
Riker reacted immediately. He slid the phaser back into its holder and, grabbing my arm, pulled me into the bedroom. As I let out a small cry, he slid his hand over my mouth. My first reaction was to fight back, but I suppressed it. Whatever Riker was doing, he wasn't going to hurt me. Not physically, anyway.
"Shift!" Riker urgently whispered in my ear. His hand was gripped around my upper arm, his mouth close to my ear.
"What???" I breathed around his hand.
"Shift into the cat. NOW!" He released my arm, which he had been holding onto tightly, and stepped back.
I had no idea what he was doing, or why. But I saw the urgency in his eyes, and felt compelled to do what he asked. I suppose I wanted him to forgive me for taking advantage of him, and doing as he asked was the only way I knew how.
I sat on the bed and changed.
As soon as I had, Riker returned to the living room and opened the door.
"There you are, Will, I've been out here forever."
"Sorry. I was… in the bedroom with Tasha."
I wondered briefly if he knew how perverted that sounded, seeing how everyone thought I was a cat. Heck, even if I wasn't a cat…
"Well, I wanted to let you know that we're having the first rehearsal tonight at 1830, so make sure you're there." The voice sounded familiar. I thought it was the doctor, Crusher.
"Rehearsal?" Riker asked. His voice was confused, and I could tell that he wasn't paying attention.
"For 'Something for Breakfast!' Remember? You're playing Charlie."
"Oh, yeah, right," Riker said. "I remember."
There was a pause.
"Sorry, I'm riding the strugglebus this afternoon. I'll be there."
"You better. If you aren't, I'm giving the lead to Lt. Colson."
The door closed, and I heard Riker let out a sigh. I heard his footsteps returning to the bedroom.
When he came in I was sitting on the bed, back in my Sandorian form.
"Why did you hide me?" I asked. There wasn't really much point in beating around the bush. Sometime in the last ten minutes, I'd become at ease around him again. He wasn't going to hurt me. He might throw me in the brig, but he wouldn't hurt me. This was the same Riker, after all.
Riker sighed, rubbing his eyes with his hand. He looked tired.
"I need to think," he said.
"About what?"
"About you."
I had thought the answer was fairly obvious, and I said so. "I thought you were going to call security."
"Do you want me to call security?" Riker asked, sounding angry again. Why was he angry all the time? I could understand that he was angry because I had taken advantage of him, but it seemed like more than that.
"I don't want you to call security," I said. Now it was my turn to get mad. "Of course I don't want to go into the brig. But what else are you going to do? I stowed away on your ship!"
I stood up, more to relieve the tension than anything else. Walking helped me think, and cool down. I didn't want to start a yelling match with Riker right now.
Riker watched me as I paced the tiny bedroom several times. He didn't say anything, and he didn't pull out his phaser again. Finally, I came to a stop in front of him.
"I don't want you to turn me in." I continued before Riker could start to pity me, "I don't want you to turn me in, but I'm not begging, and I don't want you to feel sorry for me. Of course I don't want to go to the brig, but I know I will and I'm okay with that."
"Why?"
"Because…" Because I would rather be in the brig here than free anywhere else? Because, pitiful as it may be and ridiculous as it may sound, I had felt more at home here than any other place I had ever been? Because, even when I was a cat, these people had accepted me more than my own family ever had? "Because I'd rather be in the brig here than at the space station or on another ship," I said. "It's only a matter of time before someone on another ship discovers me, and I don't think that they'd be as understanding as you."
It was lame, at best. Riker, however, didn't seem to feel the need to question it, for which I was grateful.
Instead of saying anything, Riker turned around and walked out into the living room. I watched as he slowly paced from the door to the replicator and back again. Like me, he seemed to think better on his feet. I followed him into the room, and leaned against the wall. Finally, Riker turned towards me.
"You'll have to stay in cat form when there are people here," he said.