CHAPTER 13

I was kneeling on tan carpeting.

"Tasha!"

I blinked, looking down at myself. I was still on my knees, still dirty from the fight. Looking at my hand, I saw that they still had droplets of blood on them from my lip.

"Mr. Crusher, get us out of here!"

I looked up. Captain Picard stood there, facing the front of the ship. I saw Worf and Troi standing, too. I was on the bridge of the Enterprise.

"Tasha, are you alright?"

Will.

He knelt down in front of me.

"Tasha, are you hurt? You're bleeding."

I looked up at him, seeing him frown down at me.

"I killed him."

"What?" Will asked as he helped me rise, holding onto my arms when my knees almost gave out.

"I shot him. I told him I was going to, but he didn't believe me. He wouldn't stop."

"Who, Tasha?"

"I was just trying to get away, I didn't want to hurt anyone." I could feel myself start to cry.

"Tasha, it's alright. You did it, the Enterprise isn't going to be destroyed."

"I tried to make him leave," I sobbed. Will pulled me into a hug, muffling my sobs in his chest. Then, slowly, he led me into the turbolift.

"Deck 8."

"I hated him, but I didn't want to kill him! I just couldn't stay there any longer! He was trying to make me go back, and I couldn't! I couldn't let him lock me up again."

"It's alright, Tasha," Will said, holding me tightly. "You're safe now."

"He said I hurt people, but I never had before. I didn't mean to do it." I let out another sob. "I'm sorry."

"Shhh. It's going to be alright. I promise."

I rolled over, feeling the light pierce my eyes as I did. Slowly opening them, I looked around. I was in Will's bed. The lights were off in the bedroom, but I could see from the light streaming in from the rest of the quarters.

I carefully climbed out of the bed, setting my feet on the floor before taking an inventory of myself. My shirt and pants were dirty, and my shirt had droplets of blood on it. My feet were bare.

Cautiously, I lifted my fingers to my lips. To my surprise, it didn't hurt, nor did I feel any blood there. I must have been visited by Dr. Crusher. I couldn't remember much about what had happened after I had returned to the Enterprise, but I believed that, after sobbing into Will's shoulder for a long time, I had fallen asleep. He must have carried me to the bed, and then gotten someone to fix my lip.

Standing up, I looked around the quarters for Will, but didn't find him. I didn't mind that, since I needed a shower. I had never felt so dirty in my life.

I approached the replicator and, after some trial and error, made some clothes that looked like they would fit. I didn't think that I could handle shifting into anything right then; I was still exhausted from earlier.

I spent a long time in the shower, washing away all of the blood and dirt that I had accumulated during my fight on the Romulan ship. After I had finished, I changed into the gray pants and blue shirt that I had made. They were comfortable, which I found surprising. I had been wearing clothes that I created for so long that I had forgotten that real clothes could be comfortable.

When I exited the bathroom, I settled down on the couch, relaxing. Only a few minutes later, the doorbell range.

"Come in," I called. The door opened. I looked up, expecting to see Will, but instead saw Captain Picard.

"Captain!" I said, standing up.

"I came to see how you were doing," Picard explained.

"Oh, well, come in," I said.

Picard nodded and stepped inside, the door closing behind him.

"Please, sit down," I said gesturing to the chair. Picard shook his head.

"No, thank you. I won't be staying long."

I remained standing as well.

"Dr. Crusher said that you suffered minimal injuries," Picard said. "She was able to fix your lip."

"Yes, I noticed," I said. "I appreciate it."

Picard straightened his shirt, then look back across the room at me. "I came to thank you," he said. I realized that this was the point of his visit. "What you did saved the lives of everyone on the Enterprise. You showed great courage."

"Thank you, sir," I said, surprised. I didn't know what I was expecting, but it hadn't been this. Not a compliment, and certainly not a commendation.

"We will be arriving at Starbase 32 in three days," Picard said, continuing. "You are welcome to stay on board until then, or longer if you wish. I'll have Commander Riker assign you quarters for the rest of the voyage."

I smiled. "Thank you."

Picard nodded. "You can move into your new quarters tonight." He turned to go, and then turned back to me. "Tasha, you saved my ship. I am in your debt." Then he left.

I sat back down on the couch. Captain Picard had said he was in my debt. I didn't know much about the Enterprise Captain, but I did know that he was an honorable man, a man who was widely respected. To have him show even the slightest sign of respecting me was an honor.

Will returned a while later.

"You're awake," he said as soon as he entered. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," I answered. He crossed the room to sit beside me on the couch.

"Good. Beverly healed your lip and took care of some of the bruises."

"I know, Captain Picard told me."

Will nodded. "What happened over there? The singularity imploded inside the ship."

"Their Commander hit the singularity with his blaster," I told him. "He was aiming at me, but missed. I guess that's what caused the breach. The containment casings were destroyed. "

Will raised his eyebrows, asking for more information. I shook my head. I didn't want to go into it right now. "I'll give you a full report later," I told him. "I promise. How did you beam me out?"

"The distortions that disrupted the transporter beam came from the quantum singularity. Once it started to destabilize, the distortions decreased." Will grinned. "Sorry we waited 'til the last minute to beam you out. O'Brien wanted the distortions to decrease as far as possible so he could get a good signal. Even then, it wasn't sure."

"I thought I was going to die."

Will didn't answer for a minute. "I'm sorry you had to do that."

I shook my head. "No, don't be. I'm glad I did." I grinned at him. "I had to save my own skin, right? I didn't want to die in that brig."

Will nodded. "Of course." He stood. "I've assigned you quarters across the hall. You probably want to move into them before it gets late. I can give you a tour now."

I stood up, too. "Are you tired of my company already?" I asked. "It's only been a week."

Will raised his eyebrow. "I'd have thought that you'd be tired of camping out in my quarters," he said. "I dunno how long you're planning on staying but if you liked the cat bed better…"

"No, no, let's see the quarters," I broke in.

Will laughed. "They're nice, you'll like them."

"I'm sure I will."

The next few days were some of the best of my life. I no longer was confined to my quarters. Actually, I now had the run of the ship, excluding some areas such as Engineering and the Holodecks. Will gave me a tour of the ship, which I now saw was incredibly beautiful. It had forty-two decks, and over a thousand residents. It had an arboretum, gym, and even a school for the children of the officers. I realized that the Enterprise was a moving community, where they lived amongst the stars instead of on the ground.

It was amazing, and beautiful. So many different people, so many different races, all with different beliefs and histories, living and working together. It wasn't that I hadn't thought that this was possible, for I had worked and stowed away on ships with similar circumstances, but I had never experiences it firsthand. I had never been a part of it before. And I found that I loved it.

Four days after my return to the Enterprise, I went to Ten-Forward to eat lunch. After getting a drink from the counter, I went and sat at an empty table, staring out at the stars as we passed them by.

"Do you mind if I join you?" I looked up. Counselor Troi was standing on the other side of the table.

"No. Please, sit down." She nodded, and pulled out a chair.

"I've been meaning to speak with you," Troi said, resting her arms on the table. "Is this a good time?"

"Of course, Counselor," I said. Troi was the one person on the Enterprise who I had met who I still felt uncomfortable around. I didn't know if it was because I didn't like her personally, because I had never spoken with her, or if I was just used to avoiding telepaths.

"Call me Deanna," Troi said.

"Alright." I said. "What was it you wanted to talk about?"

"Actually, I thought you might want to talk," Deanna said.

I shook my head. "I don't need a counselor," I said. I'd had enough of them when I was on Sandor.

"Do you need a friend?"

I looked up from my drink at her. She looked sincere, but she still hadn't lost that patronizing voice that counselors always seem to use.

"I don't want to talk," I said. I knew I sounded rude, but for some reason I knew she wouldn't mind. The conversation was too candid to worry about etiquette and things like that.

"Tasha, I don't know what the last week has been like for you, and I can't even imagine what happened before you got here. But you need to talk about it. You can't hold everything inside anymore."

I sighed, taking another drink. "What do you want from me, Deanna?" I asked. "Do you want me to open up my mind so you sense me? Do you want me to gush out over you and tell you all my problems? Because I can't do that."

"You don't have to be closed off anymore, Tasha," Deanna said. "But I'm not here to make you talk about anything that you don't want to. I'm here because I thought you might want to talk." She paused, and I sensed that she was about to leave.

I sighed again. "Deanna, I've spent the last fourteen years learning to shut off my emotions, thoughts, everything. I'm getting better at letting some of that go, but I'm not ready to just open up my mind. I appreciate what you're trying to do." Deanna nodded. I paused. I slowly turned my glass around in my hands. "You counsel everyone on the ship, right?" I asked, still staring at the glass.

"Everyone who wants it."

I nodded. "So you talk to a lot of people, about a lot of different problems."

"Yes." Deanna didn't push me to talk faster. This was her job, after all, I thought. She was a professional.

"Have you ever talked to someone who…killed a person?" I looked up at Deanna.

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes. Starfleet officers only kill in rare cases, but sometimes it's necessary for self-defense."

I paused. "What do you tell them?"

"It depends, Tasha," Deanna said. "It depends on the circumstances."

"What if, hypothetically, you told someone that you would shoot them if they tried to hurt you, but they attacked anyway? And you had to kill them. What would you say then?"

"That you did everything you could, and that sometimes, even when you try your hardest, people get hurt. Tasha, killing someone can be one of the most emotionally damaging things that can happen to a person."

"Even if it's in self defense?"

"Yes. Taking another life can be devastating."

A waiter appeared and brought me a new drink, also getting something for Deanna. She took a drink as she waited for me to continue.

"Will it ever feel better?" I asked.

"What do you think?"

I paused, thinking. "Yes."

"Then it will."