Here's part two of the Punchbull-Pitbull chapter. This is dedicated to RiverLegend, for inciting me to write this, and to everyone who has got so drunk they kissed a bull.
12: 14 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder likes the page 'Remembering what you did whilst drunk and thinking awwww I'm a tit'
12: 16 pm Erskine Ravel: So you're awake then
12: 20 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: yeah
12: 22 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: If by awake you mean suffering in the deepest pit of Hell without hope or solace
12: 23 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: How about you?
12: 28 pm Erskine Ravel: At work. Behind desk. Said I had important paperwork to do and couldn't be disturbed. I want to die
12: 31 pm Ghastly Bespoke: This is one of the worst hangovers I've ever had. I keep remembering flashes of last night and wanting to stuff a shoe down my throat to end it all.
12: 34 pm Erskine Ravel: What actually happened last night?
12: 36 pm Ghastly Bespoke: There was a field, singing, Dexboi, (Pitbull?), body paint, and...a cow?
12: 37 pm Erskine Ravel: I think you just encompassed our entire night out.
12: 39 pm Erskine Ravel: Also, I know the Nye fixed my broken arm but half of it is still covered in blood and body paint. I look like I just went four rounds with a gay bodybuilder
12: 42 pm Skulduggery Pleasant: The defining point of the night for me was when I had the staring competition with the hedgehog. Looking through our facebook walls is like looking into the time vortex, but with more debauchery and typos.
Erskine Ravel likes this
12: 45 pm Erskine Ravel: Shit, gotta go, someone's approaching my office. Try and work out what we did
Erskine Ravel is offline
12: 46 pm Skulduggery Pleasant: Well, I'm not a detective for nothing. Ghastly, Anton; we need to work out A) Where the others are, B) What were the extent of our antics, and C) If we physically damaged someone/something enough to warrant an apology.
12: 49 pm Dexter Vex: Hey, guys. I share your pain.
12: 49 pm Skulduggery Pleasant: I see you changed your name, DexBOI.
12: 50 pm Dexter Vex: Shut up! McLovin' erupted out of me without warning last night like water from a geyser. And I can't be sure but...
12: 50 pm Dexter Vex: I think we lost Fletcher.
12: 51 pm Skulduggery Pleasant: Well, we have to cut our losses when we can. I'd like to say I'll miss that blonde totem of hair blinding me every time he flashed into view, but I can't muster up the effort to lie.
12: 53 pm Valkyrie Cain: You LOST Fletcher?! Oh, for God's sake
12: 54 pm Valkyrie Cain: Skulduggery, take the day off to find out what happened AND find Fletcher, and Tanith and I will go meet with Davrill ourselves.
12: 55 pm Skulduggery Pleasant: Are you sure? Davrill could be dangerous.
12: 56 pm Valkyrie Cain: We'll be fine - Tanith and I together can more than take him on. Good luck with Fletcher!
Valkyrie Cain is offline
12: 58 pm Ghastly Bespoke: Remember when she was just a little, easily impressionable kid?
1: 00 pm Skulduggery Pleasant: I try to. So, what can you remember from our night out?
1: 02 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: The last thing I remember was Erskine saying 'Bet you can't down that'
1: 02 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: Which I obviously, as proven by my vast hangover, could.
1: 02 pm Ghastly Bespoke: I have a bite on my neck. Not like a vampire bite, but like someone was so drunk they began to nibble on me.
1: 04 pm Skulduggery Pleasant: Classy. Let's take this to private messaging.
1: 08 pm PM message: Skulduggery Pleasant to Ghastly Bespoke, Dexter Vex and Antceratops Paedo King Shudder
Ghastly, are the bites on your neck from a human?
Anton, I want you to go through your phone and see if you have any texts from last night.
1: 10 pm PM message: Ghastly Bespoke to Skulduggery Pleasant, Dexter Vex and Antceratops Paedo King Shudder
It's definitely from a human. It's not serious as if someone's tried to rip out my throat, just like a few mischevious bites.
1: 11 pm PM message: Antceratops Paedo King Shudder to Skulduggery Pleasant, Dexter Vex and Ghastly Bespoke
Are you sure you and Tanith didn't get a bit frisky last night...? ;)
1: 14 pm PM message: Ghastly Bespoke to Skulduggery Pleasant, Dexter Vex and Antceratops Paedo King Shudder
No. Just tell us if you have anything on your phone.
1: 16 pm PM message: Antceratops Paedo King Shudder to Skulduggery Pleasant, Dexter Vex and Ghastly Bespoke
The most recent texts are these ones from Erskine:
I'm eating a really nice Belgian waffle right now
Which tastes like Fletcher's hopes
And no that didn't even make sense
I really hope you're getting these instead of sending them off to hyperspace AKA Dexter's bedroom
Yes I'm aware that was yet another thing that didn't make sense
1: 18 pm PM message: Antceratops Paedo King Shudder to Skulduggery Pleasant, Dexter Vex and Ghastly Bespoke
These are all from around 3 AM, so according to mine and Skulduggery's Walls that would be about the time Erskine and I were at the Sanctuary getting his arm fixed.
1: 21 pm PM message: Antceratops Paedo King Shudder to Skulduggery Pleasant, Dexter Vex and Ghastly Bespoke
There's one text from yesterday sent to me from Leo at 9: 32 PM, which places it in the timeframe of when we were at the Alchemy Club.
'Texting me about how I strawpedoed that bottle of wine is not making me any more grateful to you.'
Not very helpful, but it's nice to have a mental image of Leonardo DiCaprio drinking a sophisticated bottle of wine through a plastic kiddy straw.
1: 24 pm PM message: Dexter Vex to Skulduggery Pleasant, Ghastly Bespoke and Antceratops Paedo King Shudder
Wait, the Alchemy Club? I remember throwing a cigarette in a sink!
1: 25 pm PM message: Antceratops Paedo King Shudder to Skulduggery Pleasant, Dexter Vex and Ghastly Bespoke
Oh yeah - Skulduggery and Ghastly tried to sneak outside to smoke cigars but you took the cigars away and chucked them in the sink
1: 27 pm PM message: Skulduggery Pleasant to Ghastly Bespoke, Dexter Vex and Antceratops Paedo King Shudder
This has all been very illuminating. Well, not really, it just shows you're all drunk idiots, but I will now stop to think. I'll contact you when I have more ideas.
1: 43 pm Dexter Vex "I looked at that smoke machine, sitting like a dead skunk in the forest, and said to it, 'Screw you.'"
Antceratops Paedo King Shudder will never fail being the best person to quote, ever.
Antceratops Paedo King Shudder, Erskine Ravel, Tanith Low and eighteen others like this
1: 47 pm Solomown Wreath: I always think that this is it, your group cannot possibly appear in a stranger post on my news feed. I am always wrong.
Dexter Vex likes this
1: 50 pm Geraint Mizzle: I just count it as a blessing that I wasn't needed to come out and cover up your messes.
1: 52 pm Dexter Vex: When did you get facebook, Geraint?
1: 54 pm Geraint Mizzle: I realised I couldn't keep up with the Sanctuary gossip without witnessing the madcap adventures you had on facebook for myself.
1: 57 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: You live vicariously through us, that's perfectly fine. We do lead kickass lives compared to the mundane ones of most.
1: 58 pm Geraint Mizzle: ...OK. So, do you have any other anecdotes of your night?
2: 01 pm Dexter Vex: I invented a move called the buffle, aka back shuffle. Basically you lie down and shuffle backwards while making finger guns.
2: 03 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: I might use that move the next time I go dancing, just to warn you.
2: 06 pm Dexter Vex: The thing is, I've copyrighted the buffle, so...
2: 09 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: Damn. Too bad
2: 11 pm Ghastly Bespoke: I don't recall the invention of this 'buffle'...
2: 14 pm Dexter Vex: I think you were climbing the outside of the club by then.
2: 15 pm Ghastly Bespoke: Ah yes, I remember now. Who knew drunk me could climb a six storey building for maltesers and punch?
2: 16 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: If you wanted punch, why don't you just go back to the bull
Dexter Vex, Erskine Ravel, Leo DiCaprio and two others likes this
2: 19 pm Dexter Vex: Gonna need to go to the burn ward!
2: 32 pm Ghastly Bespoke: I TRIED TO FORGET. I HAD FORGOTTEN THE BULL UNTIL NOW.
2: 34 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: I guess I can kind of see why you punched it for breaking Erskine's arm, but kissing it?
2: 34 pm Dexter Vex: You and the bull could write a bad romance.
2: 36 pm Dexter Vex: A thousand songs could be written about their abusive relationship!
2: 36 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: Don't you mean a thousand fanfocks? ;D
2: 39 pm Ghastly Bespoke: Don't even think about it.
2: 40 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: Hey, we need something to entertain us when Skulduggery's doing his detecting.
2: 44 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: Hit Me Ghastly One More Time, a GhastlyxBull fanfock, by Anton Shudder
"We can't go on with suspicious minds," said the bull. "How do I know you won't just hit me again?"
"No bb please," cried Ghastly, dabbing at his tears with a tasseled shoe. "I really..." *he held up his loafer* "...loaf you."
The bull sighed happily. It was the most romantic thing he had ever been told.
Ghastly looked at the bull with lust-filled eyes.
"My body is ready," whispered the bull.
"Not as ready as mine," Ghastly said and he opened the bedroom door with one powerful manly foot.
THE END
Dexter Vex, Finbar Wrong, Evangeline Evergreen and nine others like this
2: 45 pm Ghastly Bespoke: What the fuck
2: 45 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: You're right. I think it needs more mentions of 'lust-filled eyes'.
2: 46 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: Wait no I've got a really good idea
2: 48 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: Is Our Favourite Bestiality Ship Canon?
Hey there Dubliners, you won't believe the gossip I have for you today. Looks like things were hotting up between the bull and Ghastly were early this morning: but we all thought their relationship was more of the domestic abuse kind?
Whatever it is, I had it on a good source that the bull just received a text message asking 'Do u like me y/n'
No points for guessing who that was from!
Watch this space. If bull replies back with a 'y', then we'll have to rethink who our OTP is - the newest couple on the scene may just have more muscle mass than the male cast of Teen Wolf.
xoxo Gossip Ghastly
2: 49 pm Ghastly Bespoke: OK, I'm going to bury my head in paperwork and pretend this was all a bad dream.
Ghastly Bespoke is offline
2: 51 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: You can run from the truth, but you can't hide!
Erskine Ravel is online
2: 53 pm Erskine Ravel: It sounds as if Ghastly's being sick in his office. Looks like these fanfocks caused a psychotic break.
2: 57 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: It was a long time coming. Kissing/punching that bull was probably the most offensive thing any of the Skul Crew have done whilst drunk
2: 58 pm Erskine Ravel: I wouldn't SAY most offensive
2: 59 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: Why?
2: 03 pm Erskine Ravel: I don't know how to say this but...I left your mother on a bus.
2: 04 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: You WHAT?
2: 06 pm Erskine Ravel: It was years ago! It was that time I came to stay at your parents' house with you for a week, and we got really drunk at that local pub and your mum came to see if we were alright but you went to that girl's house early so I had to go home with your mum on the bus because we we were so drunk...and then the bus stopped and I forgot she was sleeping on the seat across from me so I got off and the bus drove off and I remembered half an hour later
2: 10 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: YOU SAID YOU GOT A DIFFERENT BUS FROM HER! MOTHER-LOSER!
2: 12 pm Erskine Ravel: It's not that bad! Did Ghastly kiss a bull? I think he did. WEIRD BLOKE THAT GHASTLY BESPOKE.
2: 12 pm Skulduggery Pleasant: I have returned with news - it seems the last evidence we have of Fletcher is him sending us a 'Help' message at 1: 19 AM. He said there was 'trees everywhere' so I'm guessing he was in a copse near the field. I went to look but he was nowhere to be found. Maybe Ghastly's bull ate him.
2: 13 pm Dexter Vex: Hey, I got a message from Fletcher! He sent it about 45 minutes ago, and it reads 'This is a group text: where am I?'
2: 13 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: I got it too. I really should heck my phone more :L
2: 14 pm Erskine Ravel: Same
2: 14 pm Leo DiCaprio: Ditto. I guess he sent it to all of us. How are you guys? Over the worst of the hangover?
2: 15 pm Erskine Ravel: Yeah, it looks like the worst is over, thankfully. All we've got to worry about is finding Fletcher now.
2: 17 pm Skulduggery Pleasant: I just texted him back - if he hasn't got himself killed in the past hour he'll tell me where he is and I'll be able to pick him up. Provided he hasn't managed to end up on Mars.
2: 19 pm Dexter Vex: I wouldn't put it past him. I mean, his hair's tall enough to reach the stratosphere at least.
2: 22 pm Skulduggery Pleasant: He's behind the Tesco's in Roarhaven, so I'll go pick him up now. I hope Valkyrie appreciates this.
2: 23 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: Well she better, because I sure as hell don't.
2: 29 pm Erskine Ravel posted on Antceratops Paedo King Shudder's Wall
Like the *pimps* we are, we have to buy Ghastly a branding iron. In case his love gets too handsy.
2: 29 pm Erskine Ravel: (And by 'his love' I mean the bull.)
2: 31 pm Antceratops Paedo King Shudder: Ah, bull jokes. How I adore you.
3: 12 pm Fletcher Renn So is it true that Anton made out with 14 girls last night?
3: 23 pm Erskine Ravel: He is an unrepentent manwhore.
3: 24 pm Fletcher Renn: And you actually set a zombie on fire?!
3: 26 pm Erskine Ravel: Go hard or go home.
6: 57 pm PM message: Valkyrie Cain to Skulduggery Pleasant
Thanks for getting Fletcher back :)
6: 59 pm PM message: Skulduggery Pleasant to Valkyrie Cain
No problem. How did your meeting with Darvill go?
7: 02 pm PM message: Valkyrie Cain to Skulduggery Pleasant
He knew absolutely nothing to do with the investigation, but he tried to stab Tanith so I knocked him out.
7: 03 pm PM message: Skulduggery Pleasant to Valkyrie Cain
A job well done then. Ghastly told me you're staying with Tanith tonight; will the two of you be hitting the vino?
7: 05 pm PM message: Valkyrie Cain to Skulduggery Pleasant
I don't think so. Your Boiiiish night out has put me off drinking for quite a while. Night :) x
7: 08 pm PM message: Skulduggery Pleasant to Valkyrie Cain
Goodnight, Valkyrie. I'll pick you up tomorrow.
7: 18 pm PM message: Tanith Low to Valkyrie Cain
Have you talked to Skulduggery about Darvill yet - did you tell him we're heading out tonight? xD
7: 20 pm PM message: Valkyrie Cain to Tanith Low
Haha NO. Crack open the vodka bottles, I'm almost at your flat.