Derp.

~L

Last night was perfect. I think Dan assumed it wasn't my first time, he seemed to think I knew what I was doing but I had no idea... I just went with what my body was telling me.

We fell asleep pretty early, my head was aching from the wine I'd downed.

"Dan, you awake?" I croaked, my voice hoarse from all the shouting. He flinched slightly, his eyes flickering. "Don't pretend to sleep..." I giggled, kissing him on the forehead and grabbing his neck, he hated his neck being touched.

"NUUU. Get off-Phi-STAHP." He cried, rolling over and falling off the bed. I burst into a fit of laughter until I realised... Did he hurt his back again?

"Dan? Are you okay?" I squeaked, rushing to the other side of the bed to check on him. He was crying... With laughter.

"I—I'm—fine!" He screamed, sitting up a bit too quickly and hitting his head of the side table. "Fuck that hurt." He sighed, climbing back up next to me. I couldn't help but smile, he was to perfect to be mine... But he was.

"Can I tell you a secret?" I whispered, as we lay down to watch a film later on that day.

"Sure." He giggled, cuddling closer to me.

"I've liked you ever since the day we met... That's why I was such a twat." I sighed, looking towards him for his reaction.

"Why?" He replied back quickly.

"Because... Well how do I explain? Every time I saw you I got butterflies, just the thought of you made me smile, from the moment I saw your perfect face, I knew I loved you, I just never thought someone like you could even think of me that way." He nodded in disbelief.

"No-one's ever loved me before... I mean, I've only just realised I'm bi... Phil, I love you too I just..." He pulled away, pulling his hands through his hair. "I'm prone to relapses and well I don't want you to see me like that." He sighed, tears forming in his eyes. I put my arm around his shoulder.

"I'll be here for you if you do Dan, I promise." He smiled as the tears rolled down his cheeks. I wiped them from his face and moved to sit in front of him, taking his arms in my hands and kissing the faded white scars on his skin. "I love you." I said, pulling him into my chest. The whole time he stayed silent, most likely contemplating whether I was telling the truth or not. But I wouldn't lie to him and I hoped he knew that. Donnie Darko played in the background as I held Dan and allowed him to sob into my chest.

"Hey, why don't we go out and get food?" He croaked after what seemed like forever.

"I think that's a good idea." We got dressed, Dan still managing to look perfect despite the fact he hadn't washed in a few days because the water hadn't been turned on yet and well then there was me... The potato. I wouldn't be surprised if people had asked Dan what he was thinking dating someone like me! We went downtown and to the closest Starbucks, Dan bought like a gazillion cakes and the biggest coffee I'd ever seen... He must've been hungry. I settled on a sandwich and a hot chocolate.

"It's your birthday soon, isn't it?" I asked through a mouthful of cake. He nodded, sipping his drink. "What do you want?"

"Nothing, I hate getting presents..." He sighed.

"Not fair, you have to let your boyfriend buy you a present at least!" I cried, drawing the attention of a few people around us. I was glad he didn't mind me calling him that now, it still sounded strange though.

"Fine Philip, if you're going to be stubborn about it. But don't expect me to go to any parties, I hate social situations enough as it is." He said, reaching for my hand across the table. He made a point of shifting his sleeves down, he was becoming more conscious of his scars. He nodded and mentioned something about leaving, so we did. I could tell from the moment we got in that day that something wasn't right with Dan. He was quieter, more withdrawn and less... Himself.

We'd only been living together for two weeks when I realised something wasn't right. Dan was constantly wearing long sleeved shirts, whereas before he was okay because the marks were pretty faded and barely noticeable now... He never took his t-shirt off and well he wouldn't do anything bedroom wise... He wasn't subtle about it but I didn't know how to approach the situation and I was worried about losing him so much I tried to ignore it, which was a mistake.

I awoke to a bed covered in blood, no Dan. I called for him through the flat but no answer. He must've gone somewhere but I didn't know. I tried to call his phone but he didn't answer. I phoned all his closest friends but no response. I was scared. It was my fault, he'd mentioned relapsing, I knew what he was doing and I did nothing about it. I was a horrible boyfriend. I phoned the police, but even after explaining that he could be seriously injured they told me to wait 24 hours... I didn't think I had that long. I grabbed my jacket and went searching, the only place I could think he'd go is his house or a friends or maybe... No I didn't want to think about that. I wandered into town, heading for Starbucks thinking maybe he'd gone to get a drink, no luck inside. I checked round the back and wandered around town for what felt like hours. I was numb. I couldn't express my pain, I needed to put all my effort and energy into finding him and bringing him home safely, I'd finally gotten the one I love and I'd let him go.

"Dan?" I cried, making one last plea around the back of our flats in the garden area. I heard something stir near a bush and approached with caution. I could hear heavy breathing. I moved the branches out of the way to reveal a drunk, bleeding, crying Dan lying unconscious in a bush. I pulled him up, smearing blood all over my own clothes but I didn't care. I pretty much carried him up to our flat and lay him on the sofa, calling for an ambulance.

"Don't Phil, please." He squeaked, limply throwing his arm trying to knock the phone from my hands. I didn't listen. The ambulance would be here soon.

"What happened Dan?" I asked, seizing the opportunity to talk to him.

"I told you I was prone to relapses."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you knew. You knew and you let me suffer!" He slurred.

"I didn't know what to do! I.. I didn't want to make it worse." I cried, seeing the look of disgust on his face, it didn't suit him.

"Fine, whatever Phil." The ambulance arrived soon after. Dan had been bandaged up and sobered up within a few hours, he wouldn't answer any questions and wouldn't respond to me either. I'd managed to lose him already, Jesus Phil no wonder everyone hates you so much, you always mess up. The first good thing you'd had since living with Nan and you fucked it up. Dan wasn't gonna take you back after this and you deserve it. Nice going, fuck up.

I never helped myself when I felt down.

"Dan?" I whimpered, awaking in tears, covered in a hospital blanket, I must've fallen asleep.

"Yes?" He replied coldly.

"Are you going to move out now?" I asked, yet afraid of his answer. He sighed and turnt away.

"No." He replied.

"Why not?" I asked in surprise.

"Because, if you had of said something about it, I probably would've hated you more. I'm not saying what you did was right Phil but it's my fault as well. Now go back to sleep."

"I love you Daniel." I whispered.

"I love you too you twat." He giggled.