The Decision

When we got back to the Academy, Rose stayed in the clinic for a day due to the few physical injuries she had received. Even though I wanted to be there for her during this time, I stayed away too scared someone would figure out how I really felt for her. After she was released from the clinic, she had stayed in her room not wanting to come out. Hearing this devastated me especially since I was blaming myself for what happened to her. If I wouldn't have told her about the Strigoi, all this wouldn't have happened.

During the time all that was going on with Rose, I was facing my own struggle with the decision I had to make about being Tasha's Guardian. Taking Tasha's offer to be her Guardian was the right thing to do. After everything that happened with Rose and the Strigoi, I realized my feelings for her were too deep to stay here and pretend it wouldn't affect my duties. But it also wouldn't be fair to Tasha if I accepted her offer realizing I'd never be able to give here everything she wanted. I knew Tasha wanted more than me being her Guardian. She wanted us to be lovers, to start a family together and I just didn't think it would be right to be with her that way when I would always have feelings for Rose. When Tasha first made the offer, I was seriously thinking about taking it, thinking over time my feelings for Rose would fade since I wouldn't be around her every day. But now that I thought about it, I knew that wasn't true. Even though I wouldn't see Rose all the time, I would still see her due to the fact Tasha's nephew, Christian, was Lissa's boyfriend. And every time I would see her, those feelings would come roaring back.

Three days after returning to the Academy, Rose had her molnija ceremony for the two Strigoi she killed. She is one of the youngest Guardians to receive the tattoos which filled me with so much pride. I was proud of her but I knew this ceremony wouldn't bring any joy to Rose, Mason still fresh on her mind. That was the first time I'd seen Rose since being back at the Academy. When it came my turn to congratulate her on her tattoos, I just touched her on the shoulder and smiled at her not able to say the things that I really wanted to say to her. When I looked in her eyes, they were still filled with the grief she had for Mason which made me sad.

After the ceremony was over, I decided to go tell Tasha my decision about her offer. When I told her my answer, Tasha was hurt but I knew she would be. She had feelings for me and wanted to be with me but I just couldn't return that. I told her that it wouldn't feel right leaving the academy right now with Rose going thru a hard time due to Mason dying. And since I was her mentor she would be relying on people she trusted to help her thru this. Hopefully Tasha believed the reason I gave her and didn't figure out the real reason I turned her down, my feelings for Rose.

Right now I was waiting in the supply room in the gym to see if Rose was going to show up for our regular training session today. For some reason I had a feeling she would since she hadn't seen me in four days. If she did show up, I wasn't going to let her practice, thinking she still wasn't healed enough from her ordeal. But I wanted to see her plus I wanted to tell her my decision on Tasha and my feelings for her. I knew I shouldn't be admitting my feelings to Rose but after everything that happened I wanted Rose to know how I felt about her. Maybe if she knew how I felt next time she was in trouble she would know that she could come to me for help.

I was reading my western novel when I heard Rose walk in the door. I looked up and glanced at her. I could still see some grief in her eyes but her face said that she was actually here ready to workout. Easing the worry I had been feeling about her not getting pass her grief for Mason.

"I thought you might come by," I said marking my page in my book.

"It's time for practice."

"No, No practice today. You still need to recover." I said shaking my head no at her.

"I've got a clean bill of health. I'm good to go." Rose said. At least she is acting like the old Rose, trying to act strong like nothing was bothering her. But I knew better and saw right thru her words. I patted the chair beside me, telling her to take a seat. She hesitated a moment before finally sitting down. I pulled my chair directly in front of hers so we could talk about her Strigoi kills and other things.

"No one gets over their first kill….kills…. easily. Even with Strigoi…. Well, it's technically taking a life. That's hard to come to terms with. And after everything else you went through…" I paused not sure how to say what I wanted to tell her. Then without really thinking about it I reached out grabbing her hand instantly sending warm sensations thru my body like her touch always does, it also helped calm the nerves I was feeling.

"When I saw your face… when we found you in the house . . . you can't imagine how I felt?"

"How . . . how did you feel?" she asked hesitantly

"Devastated . . . grief-stricken. You were alive, but the way you looked . . . I didn't think you'd ever recover. And it tore me apart to think of that happening to you so young." I said squeezing her hand trying to convey all the feelings I had for her. "You will recover – I know that now, and I'm glad. But you aren't there. Not yet. Losing someone you care about is never easy." Rose wasn't in love with Mason but she did care about him. Mason was a good friend to Rose, someone she could trust and she knew that. Rose's eyes dropped to the floor as she sat there a moment trying to find the words to speak.

"It's my fault." Rose said with grief in her voice. This caught me a little off guard not expecting her to say that.

"Hmm?" I said

"Mason, getting killed." I knew she would blame herself for what happened. Rose and I were just alike in that regard always judging ourselves the hardest.

"Oh, Roza. No. You made some bad decisions . . . you should have told others when you knew he was gone . . . but you can't blame yourself. You didn't kill him." I said compassion filling my voice. Tears started to form in her eyes. I hated she was suffering and in pain. I wish I could relieve the pain she was feeling but there was nothing I could do, making me feel helpless. All I could do was to be here for her if she needed me.

"I might as well have." She said, "The whole reason he went there – it was my fault. We had a fight . . . and I told him about the Spokane thing, even though you asked me not to . . ." A tear started to run down her cheek which I wiped away with my finger.

"You can't blame yourself for that, "I said, "You can regret your decisions and wish you'd done things differently, but in the end, Mason made his decision too. That is what he chose to do. It was his decision in the end, no matter your original role." I knew exactly how she was feeling about telling Mason about Spokane because I felt the same way about telling Rose and I was blaming myself for the whole situation happening in the first place but I didn't let Rose know that.

"I wish I'd been able to . . . I don't know, do anything . . ." Rose said holding back tears that brimmed in her eyes. Suddenly she pulled her hand away from mine and stood up to leave. "I should go. Let me know when you want to start practice again. And thanks for . . . talking."

By the look on her face I could tell that she was scared she was going to break down again and being Rose she didn't want me to see her cry. As she turned to walk away, fear surged thru me from what I was about to say, not knowing what the consequences of me admitting my feelings to Rose might be. But I had to tell her.

"No." I abruptly blurted out. "No, I told Tasha no." Rose just looked at me with stunned disbelief on her face. We both just stood there staring into each other's eyes sending something warm and wonderful and powerful shooting between us.

"But . . . why? That was a once-in-a-lifetime thing. You could have had a baby. And she . . . she was, you know into you . . ." A small smile came across my face finding it funny that Rose had a hard time talking about Tasha's feelings for me.

"Yes, she was, is. And that's why I had to say no. I couldn't return that . . . couldn't give her what she wanted. Not when . . ." I paused taking a few steps toward her bringing us just inches apart. My heart started to race from anxiety over how Rose was going to react to what I was about to say. I swallowed hard pushing the fear back down inside of me. Oh well, here goes nothing . . . "Not when my heart is somewhere else." I said looking deep into her eyes. As soon as the words left my lips, I instantly felt lighter. Hiding and keeping my feelings from Rose had been a burden on my soul weighing me down and something I struggled with every day. The more I tried to keep all my feelings in about Rose the harder it was to be around her.

"But you seemed so into her. And you kept going on about how young I acted." Rose said.

"You act young," I said, "because you are young. But you know things, Roza. Things people older than you don't even know. That day . . ." Seeing the recognition in her eyes of what day I was talking about, I went on, "You were right, about how I fight to stay in control. No one else has ever figured that out – and it scared me. You scare me." Rose scared me in so many ways. Her being able to figure me out when no one else could was just one thing. The others were the fact we couldn't be together and me picturing a life without Rose in it.

"Why? Don't you want anyone to know?"

"When a person can see into your soul, it forces you to be open. Vulnerable. It's much easier being with someone who's just more a casual friend." I said.

"Like Tasha."

"Tasha Ozaera is an amazing woman. She's beautiful and she's brave. But she doesn't –"

"She doesn't get you," Rose said finishing my statement. That reason right there, was the reason why Rose was different. No one had ever been able to read my thoughts better than Rose. Sometimes it felt like we were the same person, not even having to speak to each other, Rose knew what to do just by certain looks I would give her.

"I knew that. But I still wanted the relationship. I knew it would be easy and that she could take me away from you. I thought she could make me forget you."

"But she couldn't." Rose said finishing my sentence again.

"Yes. And, so . . . that's a problem." I said which it was. Knowing how deep my feelings were, the right thing to do would be to take Tasha's offer. Staying here around Rose, could end up getting somebody else hurt. But I can't help that now, I will just have to deal with the consequences if something like that ever happened.

"Because it's wrong for us to be together."

"Yes." Very Wrong I thought but I learned sometimes you don't have a choice when it comes to love.

"Because of the age difference." Rose said.

"Yes."

"But more importantly because we're going to be Lissa's guardians and need to focus on her – not each other." She said. That would be the real test for us when Lissa and Rose graduated from the Academy going out in the real world, leaving the Academy's protective wards behind. Right now I wasn't too sure if I would pass the test of choosing Lissa before Rose in a dangerous situation which scared me to death.

"Yes." I answered. Rose and I stood there for a moment, not saying anything. Rose looked like she was thinking of saying something but wasn't sure if she should say it or not then she looked me straight in my eyes, love pouring out of hers.

"Well," Rose said at last, "the way I see it, we aren't Lissa's guardians yet." Those words caused the conflict of what was right against what I wanted to battle inside me. She was inviting me to be with her, leaving the decision up to me. Even though she was right about us not being Lissa's Guardians yet, giving into our feelings now would only make it harder when we were Lissa's Guardians. I kept looking at her wondering which side would win. Finally I gave in, I was tired of denying myself what I wanted. I was tired of keeping my feelings in check making sure certain lines weren't crossed.

I reached out and cupped her face between my hands. I brought my mouth down and brushed it against her lips feeling the tenderness and warmth that radiated from them. My pulse started to quicken and the same desire I felt the night of the lust charm was there. Then I touched my lips to hers kissing her gently at first but soon it increased, becoming heady and deep. I better stop now or I won't be able to and we can't go that far right now. I pulled back from Rose, breaking the kiss. Not wanting it to end just yet, I placed one last kiss on her forehead, keeping my lips there for a moment enjoying the feeling of Rose in my arms. Oh how I wished we could stay like this forever and could share so much more with each other than this but right now wasn't the right time. I broke the embrace, running my fingers through her hair and down her cheek. Rose, I love you so much. Finally I stepped away from her while I still had the strength to and told her.

"I'll see you later, Roza." Bringing a smile to her face.

"At our next practice?" She asked, "We are starting those again, right? I mean you still have things to teach me." I looked over at her and smiled.

"Yes. Lots of things." I said If only you knew, what I wanted to teach you. I turned and walked out the door leaving my Roza in the storage room.