Disclaimer: I own neither Detective Conan nor Magic Kaito.
Oneshot Thirty
Bleach by the Gallons
"You're an alien!" Kaito accused, dramatically pointing at Saguru.
"No I'm not," claimed the blond.
"I can see your spaceship right behind you." Sure enough, there was a large vessel of unidentified origins behind the foreign student, sleek metal and beeping lights creating a domed form of suitably futuristic appearance.
Saguru looked from the branches he still held up in a futile attempt to cover the spaceship before he dropped them with a sigh.
"Yes, you're right, I am."
"Wow, I was actually right." Kaito blinked, not quite expecting his rival to cave in so quickly. Then he turned to Akako, who was perched on a hovering broomstick which Saguru was pointedly ignoring.
"And you! Why didn't you tell me!"
"Please, I don't deal with aliens. I'm a witch, not an extraterrestrial enthusiast," Akako dismissed, though she had expressed no surprise at the revelation of Saguru's true nature. "On that note, I only came to get the homework assignment from you."
Kaito distractedly rummaged through his schoolbag, withdrawing a few sheets of paper and thrusting them in Akako's general direction. She snatched them from his hand and flew off into the night.
"So, what's an alien doing on Earth? Come to enslave the human race? Huh, huh, HUH?" demanded the teenage thief, intruding into Saguru's personal space as he did so. Perturbed, the alien pushed his human classmate away from him before smoothing the wrinkles from his suit.
"If you must know, my species has no undue interest towards your own. Actually, I'm here as a transfer student to experience your planet's cultures."
"Seriously?"
"Yes. Of the three dozen choices I had, I came here."
"Why Earth?"
"Honestly? Earth's cuisine is the only one I considered tolerable."
". . . You came to Earth for the food."
"Only reason to come here. It's rather backwaters and little compared to most planets." Saguru shrugged, uttering a comment under his breath that if he had known that he would have a classmate such as Kaito, he would have reconsidered the choice he had made.
"Hey, you can't insult Earth like that! It's my planet!"
"Dreadfully sorry." The blond alien didn't sound like it, though.
"Well, to make it up, you have to show me what you really look like! After all, you're not a human, are you?" Kaito insisted with a snicker, already imagining what his detective classmate could actually look like. Maybe he was a little green man with eyes the size of plates, or a slug-thing!
"I am under the impression that humans would find my true form very displeasing," Saguru eventually stated, picking his words carefully. The magician was not to be deterred, however.
"Come on, it can't be that bad!"
The currently human-looking alien rolled his eyes, knowing that Kaito would become more and more buggy the longer he put off succumbing to his curiosity, and that it would undoubtedly come out sooner or later. Decided to just acquiesce and get it over with, Saguru took out his pocket watch and tampered with a few indiscrete switches. His body was soon rippling as if molten, his form becoming amorphous before reshaping itself.
"Well?" warbled Saguru, only to receive no reaction for several moments save for the expression of horror that had fixated itself upon Kaito's face, seizing up his limbs.
The human let out a scream that was short-lived, but seemingly allowed him to find his voice once more.
"What are you?" he stammered, trying and failing to follow the multitudes of lazily undulating tentacles with wide eyes.
"A detective."
Kaito started choking in disbelief.
"By a detective, does that mean that every . . ." he trailed off, incapable of following the thought.
"Yes," Saguru affirmed.
"But what about all those detective novels, like Sherlock Holmes?"
"Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was also one of my kind. The original novels are much better, but I am afraid his Earthly translations have been heavily abridged." The truly foreign exchange student heaved a lamentable sigh that sounded more like metal scraping metal than anything else, carapace shuddering in an alien expression that Kaito thought may have been equivalent to a shake of the head. Maybe.
"You know what? I never saw anything. I'm just going to drop by the store, pick up some bleach, and go home," said Kaito resolutely, turning around to walk off.
"Why the bleach?" inquired Saguru, wondering where that had come from.
"To bleach my brain!" shouted the thief over his shoulder.
Omake:
Shinichi looked up as a distant scream reached his ears.
"Huh, that sounded like somebody laying eyes upon a detective's true form," he commented to himself with mild interest, before returning to sipping from a glass of toxic sludge with his barbed proboscis.
A/N: This is what happens when I'm avoiding stuff I need to do. Once again, I have no idea what this is. Anyways, happy birthday to Collection, it's a year old as of today! What prompted me to start you, I'll never know. (And wow, this is now my most-chaptered fic.)