Hey everyone! So Erestor is going to explain things to Elrond in this chapter, it will be emotional, a little descriptively graphic and possibly (probably) triggering so please by the Gods, get yourselves safe. I say this everytime to warn y'all...e-mail me/message me anything, I'm here for y'all. Elrond says a bad word! I own nothing at all...Tolkien's so don't sue! Try to Enjoy...(it's really emotional and it was very difficult to write...)
For many long moments Erestor thought that he could come up with pretty words, some sort of petty speech that would make Elrond momentarily worried, and then cause his Lord to forget all about the incident in days. But he took one look into the glowing grey eyes, as Elrond stepped in and closed and locked the door tightly behind him.
He watched him for a long moment and then burst into tears-not the silent tracks of frozen ooze, but real tears, his tiny frame shook with sobs and he brought both of his hands in front of him, he clutched the letter opener and it pressed half unconsciously into the flesh of his right wrist, through the rivulets of blood. "It hurts. So much" he gasped out, as he looked up through wet lashes at Elrond's confused and worried face.
Elrond opened his mouth to admonish him, but stopped as his best friend began to cry-with an agony that reached into his soul and nearly cracked his heart in two. "Erestor" he murmured softly, dropping to his knees at Erestor's side he wrenched the weapon from the icy hand, and set it gently on the desk-somehow inside his head, he knew that Erestor wouldn't appreciate it if he disrespected his glittering blade.
"Elrond...I...it's so far away, and I can hardly breathe anymore, please Elebreth just let it end, I can...I can't..." the usually eloquent councillor gasped through his sobs. He fell away from his friend and slid to the floor, drawing his knees up to his chest he buried his face in his knees and desperately tried to choke away his sobs.
"Erestor" Elrond said again, and as Erestor tightened the hold he had on his knees until his knuckles turned white. Elrond suddenly felt as if repeating the others name would do very little good, he needed to find something to say...but he had no idea what in the fires of Mordor was appropriate for this type of experience.
"I am very sorry My Lord" Erestor said, his tears stopped almost automatically and he let his knees drop from his chest. His face was terrifyingly blank, in spite of the clinging wetness and traces of blood from his arm.
"I would never mean to impede your life with silly concerns, I promise you that I will conduct myself in a much more appropriate manner from now on" The councillor continued, in that empty, cold meaningless tone.
Elrond's mouth dropped open and once again the only thing he could think of to say was "Erestor".
Hollow, exhausted, dead brown eyes turned to stare at him, and he reared his chin. "Forgive me" he said and forced himself to stand, dragging his sleeve over the already smeared blood on his right arm.
"Erestor" Elrond said one more time, getting to his feet, his jaw worked, his lips opened and closed, but for all the thoughts in his head, all the knowledge in his mind, all the years of experience he had under his proverbial belt-he couldn't find a single word. Not a single phrase, nothing...his emotions roiled in his chest. Anger at Erestor for repressing these emotions, anger that someone he thought to be a mutual friend wouldn't reach out and ask for help. Hurt that Erestor had never seemed to trust him with this, irritation that Erestor was just going to act like nothing had ever happened-that he was going to go back to normal and pretend like he was in no pain whatsoever. He was worried about how long this type of thing had been going on, he was shocked at the simple callousness of the action-there was some level of his mind that wondered what kind of elf it took to take a blade and cut into his own arm in a situation that did not involve healing. He was terrified that he was going to lose Erestor forever, because he knew, again with knowing how he knew, that if Erestor walked away now, in this cold mechanical way that he would easily take his life and no one would know when or how or why it would happen. Erestor had repressed this secret for so long that Elrond knew that it was probably hiding much more then even he had come to know in this moment.
"I will go wash up now, you will-" but Elrond cut him off-surprising even himself he slapped the councillor, hard, flat across the face. Not the kind of masculine strike one might accept from a onetime warrior, but an open handed slap, that struck right across the flat of his hollow, sunken cheek.
His lips parted and Erestor looked at him in shock, Elrond glanced down at his own hand and gulped thickly. "I..." he began but then he shook his head and his face hardened, and he looked at him.
"I will not apologize" he said softly. Part of him felt as if he should get angry, yell and scream, point out all the evidence as to why doing this to himself was stupid, was pointless, harmful to himself, with no fruit or meaning. But obviously to Erestor, it meant enough to hide from him...for a long time and he had no right to yell at something that he could never dream to understand.
"I don't know why you do this, I don't know how long you've done this, but in the end it doesn't matter." Elrond took in a long, deep breath and held it as long as he possibly could. Erestor sunk away from him, not from fear, but from confusion. Something glittered in the depths of his brown eyes, and as Elrond released his breath, he thought it looked a little like hope.
"Doesn't matter?" Erestor said, in a voice suddenly dripping with an insidious sort of sarcasm. While Elrond watched him carefully, he came to believe that Erestor was buried behind something... else. Something... dark. Not evil, but dark.
"No, it doesn't" Elrond repeated, though his face softened greatly and a frown tugged at his face as Erestor's demeanour suddenly changed, and the small councillor looked up at him with an almost terrifying expression on his face.
"I know, because it's obvious now, to you" Erestor spat at him, hands curling tightly against his chest, as if he was holding his heart inside.
"Obvious? Erestor..." Elrond trailed off, confused, horror building in his chest as he felt something building in the room around them.
"Erestor, Erestor, Erestor" Erestor mimicked, suddenly angry, he shoved himself away from Elrond, and with shaky steps grabbed his weapon and stomped half way across the room, stopping to lean against a bookshelf, with his shoulder pressed against it, he rested his forehead on the shelf above him, he turned his head and sent a disjointed, far away look at Elrond, full of hurt, agony, desperation and loneliness.
"You say that like it actually means something." Erestore said sardonically.
"Say what? What am I saying, Erestor? What?" Elrond asked, carefully, not sure what sort of ground he was on with Erestor right now.
"Repeating my name, endlessly like that. I know why you're doing it, but why do you insist on it? I can see it Elrond, I may be stupid, but I can at least see the obvious" Erestor replied, neatly, sort of rocking back and forth on his heels, his hair swayed in his face, when he moved backwards and his hair swung to reveal his face, when he moved forwards his face was covered again, though strands stuck to his wet face, smeared with tears and blood.
"What? What are you talking about? " Elrond demanded, his mouth open in shock. This was something that Elrond had never experienced before in his entire life. Erestor had never acted like this, Erestor was suddenly an elf that Elrond had never met. An angry, quiet, sarcastic, sardonic, hurt, lonely, desperate, confused elf, in terrible agony. He was hunched over ever so slightly as he rocked, his hands clutched the letter opener near his chest with a white knuckled grip, tears flowed freely down his face now, and his breathing was laboured and quick, as if he was struggling with his sobs and the sniffles that came with such tears. His eyes darted back and forth, between the wall, the bookshelf, his desk, the window, the door, everywhere but at Elrond, as if he couldn't quite bring himself to look at his lord, when he did look at him, it was only for a moment and it was with eyes that were wide open and terrified. His fingers spasmed ever so slightly on the handle in his hand as he spoke, and at first Elrond thought that he was just saying things out of anger, but as Erestor continued to speak, the shocked half-elf began to realize that his beautiful, usually calm and collected councillor-truly and honestly believed the things he was saying.
"My name, whatever does it mean to you? What does it mean to anyone? It is what you call me when you do not need me...when you do not want me for something, when you are not calling upon me to pretend to do my job for you. It is a hail, nothing more...it has no meaning. And now I know, because obviously you have nothing to say to me. I know it is my fault, it is always my fault, I was foolish enough to let myself slip again, a disgusting mistake I should have expected long ago. Now I cannot fix it, but at least I will get the fate that I truly deserve, I only ask that you keep this to yourself. I would never wish to infect dear Elladan and Elrohir with my filth...and Elebreth preserve little Estel, he should have nothing to do with my ilk. I would never mean to make an idiotic mistake like this but...I know that it is my fate." His speech came out not in elegant prose, but in short, quick spurts. The first half of his speech was directed towards Elrond, but quickly the lord knew it was directed mostly at Erestor himself, chastising himself.
When he finished Elrond opened his mouth, but realized that he had nothing real to say "but it is yours, your name...it belongs to you, that is what it means" he managed weakly.
"Unfortunately" Erestor said, and looked over at him, at last, he looked into his eyes and Elrond saw real defeat, he felt that he should leave now, perhaps leave Erestor to his irrational thoughts, he felt that there would never be a chance to talk him out of it, but he was afraid that if he left now, Erestor would surrender his life completely.
But Erestor saw something too, the concern, the confusion, the worry in Elrond's eyes, and though the dark voice told him it was only because of the awkward situation, the threat to his children, the loss of Erestor's position in the office. But something inside of him caught onto that with a hope unlike anything else, Elrond really cared and loved him. For a long time silence reigned among them, Elrond gaining a little hope himself from Erestor's relaxed body language, his darting eyes and desperate breathing slowed down, his tears slowed, and then stopped and he straightened up slightly.
Elrond finally spoke, "But why?" he asked, and it was clear to them both that it wasn't a question just in regards to Erestor's little speech but to everything.
After a moment Erestor sighed, and pulled up both of his belled sleeves and held out his forearms. Elrond gasped, and his eyes brimmed with tears, quite obviously this was NOT a one or two time thing. His pale arms were riddled with scars, some little pink lines, some little white ridges, some were deeply embedded in his flesh, they ran up and down, sideways, diagonally, there were faded elvish words, and a great deal of new wounds slashed over top of the old scars, they numbered more than likely in the thousands. "Erestor" Elrond whispered and Erestor flinched.
"I'm sorry" Elrond said automatically as he took three steps forward, there were several new ones and the ones that were currently bleeding were just ebbing to a stop.
"I. am sorry" Erestor said calmly.
"There is nothing to be sorry for" Elrond said, with a vehemence that caused Erestor to gulp.
"I ...there is so much to be said, Erestor, so much to be explained and discussed..." Elrond began, and Erestor glanced away, blinking away more tears, his eyes flew open and his heart fluttered in his chest as Elrond took his bleeding arm in his warm and smooth hands.
"I know..." Erestor said quietly "I...just...I wish this had never happened, and I am so sorry it did" he murmured, tears flowing again.
"I am not" Elrond said sharply, a decision clicking into his head.
"I would never want you to past my cold..."but Elrond cut him off, grabbing his wrists roughly, shaking him once.
"You are cold, distant, and frozen, yes. But that coldness and distance doesn't mean what you think it does." Elrond said confidently.
"but..." Erestor tried but Elrond shook him again.
"No. Erestor. You may think whatever you want, but it is only a facade." Elrond said quietly.
"Why...Why do you say that?" Erestor demanded sharply.
Elrond shook him one more time, forcing Erestor to look him in the eyes "Because someone who is as sharp, and calm, and in control as yourself could only be the most emotional and deeply passionate person on the face of the planet. Only that much emotion requires the icy control you exert. And I don't give a damn what you believe, it is the God's honest truth."
"But what would that mean to anyone? I am nothing but a foolish, unworthy, unwanted wretch...I should be more in control of myself" Erestor argued, in vain.
Elrond slammed him against the bookshelf behind him, fingers in a bruising grip on his wrists. "Don't fucking say that." Elrond hissed
Erestor gasped "say what?" he asked, challenge in his tone
"I. want. you." The elf lord said, his voice cutting and sharp, he leaned forward to punctuate his statement "You are worth more than everything on Arda to me and I. fucking. need. you." He snarled, without another moment he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Erestor's.