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Kate stared at her hands, not sure where to start, how to get out of this mess that she had brought upon herself by not coming clean with him earlier. But old habits die hard and so her first instinct was to accuse him of going through her things without her permission, but she caught herself, it was not the point right now. It was not as important as setting things straight with Castle, because it had never been her intention to hurt him.

"Why Kate?" He asked when she seemed to stall, "I don't understand why you did it. Did you really think that little of me?"

"It's not like that," she defended herself, immediately moving further away from him.

"Then what is it, Kate? Help me out here, because I really can't see a reason good enough to justify what you did." He tried to keep his voice down, but his anger came through with every word he spat at her.

"I don't know where to start," she admitted, curling even further into the corner of the couch. He had never seen her like this. Insecure and lost and his voice slightly softened.

"How about at the beginning?" He suggested and for the first time her eyes met his and what he saw in them scared him. She looked heartbroken, hurt and lost.

"The beginning," she repeated quietly. That was easier said than done. She had never talked about it before. Royce had found out on his own and she'd merely confirmed what he already knew back then. But never had she told anyone the whole story and maybe it was time.

Castle was just giving up on her to actually explain any of her actions, ready to get up and leave when he heard her quiet voice.

"My mom," she took a deep breath. "My mom was murdered."

That was the beginning.

Castle had expected many versions of her story, had expected excuses and justifications but he hadn't expected this, the cruel reality of what apparently was the beginning of their story. He was totally unprepared for it, especially for the raw pain in her eyes.

"She was stabbed to death in an alley, nothing stolen and the police eventually wrote if off to gang violence. They never caught who did it," Kate continued, her eyes stoically fixed on her twisted hands resting in her lap.

He took in a sharp breath, feeling helpless as the tears fell silently from her eyes.

"My dad took it bad, he turned to the bottle and I moved back from Stanford to take care of him," she was fighting for control, trying to keep her voice even, but didn't succeed. "He didn't want any help though, didn't want me either," she pressed out.

Castle's throat was suddenly dry, his palms sweating. It was pure agony to see her struggling and he could tell how much it cost her to tell him.

"The night we met," she took in a shaky breath, "was the first anniversary of her death."

He gulped down some air, now sitting on the edge of his chair, remembering her sad eyes that had captured him at first sight and he yearned to get closer to her, "Kate," he whispered, compassion swinging heavy in his tone, but she ignored him.

"I hadn't spoken to my dad for weeks and I just wanted to forget, didn't want to think about it anymore," for the first time since she started she looked at him, "and then there was you."

Castle's heart stuttered, because what he saw in her eyes was so much more than he'd ever expected or hoped for. There was a tenderness in them, a gratitude that made him think he had been her savior that night.

"I didn't know who you were," she stated and waited for him to accept that fact and only when he nodded she continued. "My mom was the fan, I never understood her love for mystery novels, not back then," she explained, a small, yet sad smile appearing on her face.

She seemed to be lost in her emotions and he gave her a moment to get a hold of them until he gently prodded her to go on, "What happened then?"

"I'm still not sure," she let out a strangled laugh. "The night, our night it was so much more than I'd been looking for, you were so much more than I'd been looking for." It cost her to admit this to him, especially on the shaky ground they were currently dancing on, but she also knew if she wanted him to understand and forgive her, she needed to be completely honest.

"I had the feeling you understood me, knew what I needed, without actually knowing anything or me having to say a word and I was overwhelmed and scared to death at the same time."

"That's why you left in the middle of the night," he concluded, nodding in understanding.

"I had no idea what it meant to you, for all I knew we were two strangers who'd agreed on a one night stand." She huffed. "The night had been so wonderful - I think I couldn't deal with the chance to have it all thrown back in my face."

He sighed, "Kate I -," but she stopped him with a shake of her head.

"Please don't, I'll never get through this if you …," she trailed off.

"Okay," he agreed, shutting his mouth.

"I realized who you were about two weeks later," she admitted, knowing it would still hurt him to learn she'd known for such a long time. "My dad gave me a box with my mother's books."

"And mine where in it," he realized.

"Yeah," she tried to wipe away the still falling tears, "Suddenly you were staring back at me from the back cover of In a Hail of Bullets."

"I see," he sounded bitter and she wished she could say anything that would make that pained look in his eyes go away, bring back the sparkle she had been missing for the past days.

"There was a dedication in it, my mother must have gone to one of your book signings and that dedication was so personal - I - I took the book to bed with me that night, couldn't put it away until I'd finished it."

"That good, huh?" There was the slightest hint of a smile on his face and Kate was immensely grateful for it, there was still hope.

"That good, yes." She agreed, biting down on her bottom lip. "I felt closer to my mom that night than I had ever since -," she trailed off again starting anew. "I suddenly understood why she loved your books so much, there was always closure, the good always won and it gave her hope."

Castle wondered if his books did the same for Kate, but he didn't dare to ask.

"And then I found out that I was pregnant."

He found it hard to breathe all of a sudden, this was it, this was what he's been waiting for but now he wasn't so sure it was the right time and place to get through with it, maybe it was enough for one night. He looked over at Kate, saw that she was exhausted and emotionally drained, and on top of that, had still not totally recovered from her fever.

"Kate," he spoke softly not to startle her and she lifted big red-rimmed eyes to him, suddenly looking so very, very young, "maybe you should go back to bed."

She didn't understand, wasn't this what he wanted? What he had demanded, the truth?

"Castle?"

"Kate, it's the middle of the night. You're cold and tired," he tried to explain, seeing that she was slightly shivering but Kate vehemently shook her head.

"No, I need to do this," she sounded almost desperate. It was hard enough to get through it right now, she didn't know if she could start all over again tomorrow. But Castle still looked unsure, he didn't want her to overdo it.

"Castle please," she begged and didn't even care.

He finally sighed in surrender, "Okay, but let me get you a glass of water and a blanket."

When he returned, she took a sip of the water he offered her and grabbed the blanket after placing the glass on the coffee table.

"Thank you," she mumbled, surprised that he didn't re-take his seat in the armchair but settled down on the opposite end of her couch.

"So you found out about Jamie," he prodded gently, his voice calm and steady, "Why didn't you come to me?"

"I -," she took a deep breath, "it was a shock. At first I didn't understand how it could have happened and honestly it was the last thing I needed back then."

The next part was one of the hardest to admit, but he had to know nevertheless, "I had an appointment for an abortion," she whispered and new tears fell, because she couldn't imagine her world without Jamie.

Castle's heart broke as well at the vision of a world without his little girl, but he got a hold of himself, she was here, Kate didn't get through with it, "What made you change your mind?"

"I just couldn't, life is so precious, I just couldn't get through with it," her voice softened, a smile returning to her troubled face. "The best decision of my life."

"And then?"

"I considered telling you, but I didn't know how you would react to the news, after all it was just a one-night stand." She quickly went on before he could interrupt her, "I was certain you had other things on your mind. A divorce, being a single dad, I assumed me being pregnant with your child was the last thing you needed, or worse you would accuse me of having shady motives, that I was only after your money."

"Kate, I would have never …," he was surprised when her hand reached for his on the back of the couch, holding on to it for dear life.

"I know that now," she breathed out before going on, "I changed my mind a month before Jamie was born."

Castle's head shot up in surprise, "What?"

"I had already been accepted to the Academy and though I was going to start later than planned I knew someone who was able to get me your address. I went to see you and saw you with your ex-wife," she looked away, because it shouldn't hurt like it did.

"Meredith?" Castle's mind was racing and then he remembered, the one time he had been weak enough to let his ex-wife back into his life and into his bed, just when Kate had made up her mind. Their timing couldn't have been worse.

"I thought you two were getting back together and knowing you had a daughter I didn't want to come between that." She spoke quietly.

"Kate," he sighed. "We weren't getting back together. It was just one …," he didn't need to say it, "God, if only I'd known."

"It's not your fault, I should have told you nevertheless, I see that now," she squeezed his hand again, amazed how he could still blame himself when she was the one who had messed everything up.

"What happened then?" He asked, sensing there was more.

"The day Jamie was born, my dad showed up at the hospital, drunk. He said he wanted to see my bastard." She wiped the tears away, sniffing, "I threw him out, told him I never wanted to see him again and I haven't ever since. It was just me and Jamie from there on."

"I'm sorry," Castle whispered, unconsciously scooting closer to her.

"Don't be sorry!" she exclaimed desperately. "Jamie was the only thing holding me above water back then and I was selfish, selfish to keep her to myself because I was scared you would take her from me and I knew that would break me. I was a wreck back then, I probably still am." The last words were barely a whisper.

He was shocked at her words.

"And I'm the one who's sorry, because you deserve to be in her life, you're such a wonderful father Castle, and to think I almost managed to keep you two apart. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I wish I could turn back time and do it differently."

She was sobbing now and Castle scooted even closer, "Kate calm down."

"I can't," she cried. "I'm not used to people caring. Ever since my mother died I've been pretty much on my own and it scares me that you're here and that you keep coming back, fighting for what is your every right and it scares me even more that you might stop one day because I'll do something stupid. It would break Jamie's heart. I'm so scared to screw this up, because I was so damn good at it the first two years of her life."

He stopped her rambling, couldn't take it anymore and pulled her into his arms, "Shhh Kate, you're a wonderful mom and I promise you can't push me away. I'll keep coming back, that's what fathers do."

And then he realized, she had no idea, she had lost her faith because her own dad had left her when she needed him the most.

"I'm so sorry Castle," she sobbed into his shirt, her arms around his waist, holding on for dear life.

"I won't say I'm not upset anymore," he mumbled into her damp curls, "but knowing helps. Knowing the story helps. We all make mistakes, we just have to do our best not to make them twice."

He felt her calming down until she pulled away from him.

"Thank you Castle, for everything," she sniffed, wiping the tears away from her face.

"Thank you for telling me," he replied, "and for what it's worth, I'm sorry for going into your bedroom."

She actually let out something like a laugh, "I should have told you sooner. I wanted to but somehow I never found the courage."

He nodded, that was a feeling he was familiar with.

They were silent for a while, sitting close to each other, Kate still holding his hand in hers.

"So what now?" She finally asked.

"I think we both need some sleep and we can talk some more tomorrow, but there's one more thing," he said, sounding wary.

"Okay." She looked expectantly at him.

"I want to spend more time with Jamie, I know you have Cynthia, but -," he stopped, letting his free hand run over his face, "I can pick her up in the morning and bring her back when your shift is done, or you could pick her up here and we could have dinner from time to time and I want her to stay over at some point." He rushed the words out, fearing her reaction.

To his surprise she squeezed his hand and smiled, "Okay, that sounds good."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

They smiled at each other until Kate finally got up, "I'm tired."

He nodded, "Me too."

"Thanks for hearing me out," she said quietly, looking up at him through her dark lashes.

"Always," he smiled and watched her getting up, retreating to his bedroom.

"Kate?" He called after her and she turned once more, "It was never just a one-night stand to me. I came back to the bar for weeks, hoping you would be there. I never managed to get you out of my head."

Maybe it was too much, but he had to get it off his chest and Kate had been so honest with him tonight, he wanted her to know.

The slight flush on her cheeks, the way her eyes shied away and the small smile on her face told him he did the right thing.

Her heart skipped at his words and she couldn't hide it from him, could see it in his eyes, he knew.

"Until tomorrow, Kate."

"Good night, Castle."

And with that they both went their way, knowing tomorrow would mark a new beginning for them.

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