Holy crap so without school apparently I write a lot less-which may hve something to do with the fact that I work like..ALL THE TIME. But with school starting soon (YAY) and work calming down I'm back :D WARNING ERESTOR IS EXTREMELY ANGSTY IN THIS CHAPTER PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE BE SAFE! THANK YOU
Erestor83: Fortunately, my sickliness has an entire box at my disposal :) Thanks for your ongoing reviews! :D
Kura: Thank you thank you thank you and sorry for the extended delays :P Life you know? Crazy thing that! But I hope my recent bout of creativity makes up for it :) Thank you so much for your continued reviews
Iluvaikka: Thank you thank you again, thank you for the suggestions, I shall try to include those things and thank you for your reviews! :)
To everyone else I may have forgotten: Thank you :D For all of your support/reviews/love and other things. Enjoy this next chapter...and feel free to contact me at any time if you need anything :) Tolkien's...NOT MINE. ENJOY.
Elrond couldn't help but smile as he took in the sight in front of him, Erestor, sitting propped against his pillows, sitting against the headboard, his knees drawn to his chest as he tried desperately to look anywhere but at Elrond.
The half-elf noted too, his smile fading slightly-that Erestor's side was delineated by the soft blotted lines and faded, long washed out pools of blood that covered and smeared over the sheets that he sat on and amongst.
He crawled in the other side however, undaunted and settled into the bed, fixing his head on the pillow and trying to forget that he was wearing the leggings that went under his robes and nothing else. He was not used to garments while he slept, but he knew that Erestor would abide nothing else so he soothed his slightly burning cheek against the pillow.
Erestor noticed and his dark eyes fluttered downwards, but Elrond shook his head gently and smiled again, patting the bed, to try to urge the other to take a more comfortable position.
A moment's pause and he did, easing down the bed to lie next to the other, Erestor held himself stiff. He was deeply aware of his own breathing, he knew approximately how much space lay between his hand and Elrond's. His hip and Elrond's hip, his side and Elrond's side. He knew how much movement it would take to bring them into contact, what kind of contact that would be, how...
His thoughts broke off as Elrond shifted in bed and wrapped long arms around Erestor's waist and all but dragged him across the bed until they were flush together, yet again. "Erestor...I know you are frightened, but I will not let it stop me." he the half elf said, firmly before pressing their lips together gently, letting him go, Elrond let his eyes drift half shut, calling for sleep to take him before he did anything else to push the new-found boundaries between himself and the other.
And this was how it went. 3 weeks went by, and each day passed with more means to mark it then ever before, for both men. Elrond spent his days wishing he could be more, do more, say more, have more, anything...he wanted all of Erestor. Everything that the slender elf was, was what Elrond wanted.
But of course, he had to be cautious, he was too afraid to upset Erestor, to push him away, to frighten him. Erestor was unlike any person that Elrond had ever taken an interest in before. He was delicate, and gentle-but not in a womanly way. Not in the way his wife had been. No. Erestor was delicate because Elrond found that the simplest throw-away comment could do irreversible damage to his would-be lover.
One incident involving a book that Elrond had been looking for, found in a back section of the library, Elrond had casually, thinking to tease his friend, said "Erestor, a book out of place, really?" the type of comment he had made a dozen times and more in his life time. What a terrible mistake that had been. His love had denied him access for 2 days, and when Elrond finally convinced Erestor to let him see him. He discovered new wounds, and a message geared towards chastising the body's master on his habits of cleanliness.
Having said nothing, Elrond had taken the experience as meaning that perhaps he desperately needed to keep his tongue far more in check then it ever had been before.
Watching his comments like this, was quite tiring, but Elrond hadn't lied-he would do anything to try and keep Erestor. For the most part too, that seemed to be working.
Erestor rarely-only on those hurt occasions- forbade Elrond from seeing him, from touching him. They played chess and talked intimately every night.
On the fifteenth night in fact, Erestor had let Elrond in, and when the lord had turned from locking the door, he found Erestor wearing a loose fitting shirt, sleeves rolled up to his elbows and tight, comfortable looking black pants. Revealing more of his flesh, of his own volition then ever before.
They hadn't shared a bed though, since that first night. Something that Elrond was not exactly happy about-but he also knew that he would have to give Erestor his time, and on some level he knew that rushing this would not be good for him either. Things would be better when given time-most things were, but it didn't make it any less frustrating when he was out in the cold hallway, outside Erestor's quarters, wishing that he wasn't going to a cold room, to a cold bed, and his own hand. He was glad though, that the days, in spite of his wishing and wanting, were going on as normal. Filled with work and business conversation.
Erestor and Glorfindel sharing their same bickering and arguing. The same paperwork-the departure of his beloved family had been a bit of a blow, but Erestor cushioned it well enough and the return of normal daily life made everything seem bearable and filled with promise.
Erestor for his part, spent his days, nights, evenings, mornings, every waking moment, steeped in worry and fear. He worried that Elrond was getting sick of him and that worry made him fear that Elrond was going to throw him away, give up on him. He knew he wouldn't blame the half-elf, that they truly loved each other on multiple levels-someone he just knew. But he couldn't stop the voices in his head. He couldn't stop the feeling that he shouldn't be putting someone that he loved through this.
All worries took this road and ended up in the same place. No matter how they started-Elrond was annoyed with him, Elrond thought he was stupid, Elrond thought he was hideous, Elrond was going to stop waiting for him to surrender his body, Elrond thought he was abusing Estel. Some of the darker fears ran the lines of total distrust That Elrond was using him because he was vulnerable and easy to use, that he would abandon the wait and take what he wanted.
Should the worst occur, Erestor knew he'd rather let Elrond have his way then lose him completely, but he lived in relative fear of that...no matter how horrible it was. Which of course started the guilt-what kind of man, elf, advisor, LOVER was he to actually even allow that thought into his head.
But there were moments of shining clarity, of goodness that let bits of the ice chip away. Estel, at the end of every lesson asked how his 'courting' was going. Erestor, relieved for this small amount of comfort would tell his little confidante everything he felt a little boy should know without giving away any of the details that he ought not to.
Glorfindel seemed as determined as ever not to be intimidated by him and in some small way that made him feel better. So much so, that fifteen days after he had first had his wonderful, warm, happy, dream filled night with Elrond he sought out the Seneschal's company.
The morning had proven to be a little hotter then everyone liked and so Elrond had cajoled a surprisingly pleasant Erestor into giving his assistants (and himself) the day off. Faced with a day of nothing stretching in front of him, a soft voice, born of the good dreams of the night before had pushed the councilor out the door and down towards the trees that hemmed the nearest training grounds.
He wasn't sure what exactly, he was doing, but he did it anyways. Walking slowly in the shade, his black robes already were a little too heavy and clinging then he would have liked, he watched the young cadets, sweating heavily, and panting for breath as Glorfindel and his lieutenant pushed them almost endlessly.
The lieutenant spotted him and lifted a brow "Councilor? Can we help you in some way?" he asked.
Erestor forced a small smile and shook his head, waving his hand he continued his walk in the woods. The lieutenant shrugged and turned back to the group he was teaching he gave another command, but Glorfindel smirked lightly.
"Perhaps the heat has pushed you from your office my friend?" he called lightly.
Erestor's heart flipped and the voices began to hear those words, but he shoved them down, turned on the ball of his foot and reared his chin. "Perhaps" he answered politely with a tiny shrug of one shoulder.
"I see. So you've come here to enjoy the shade" He said, eyes glistening madly with some sort of mischief.
Erestor's eyes narrowed as he saw that and took half a step back. "Indeed-does that disturb your activities?"
"Nay, it does not"
"Then I shall continue"
"Please...by all means do so" Glorfindel finished, turning back to his trainee's with a flourish of his sword, Erestor thought perhaps it was over.
As he took several steps away, he became aware of hidden snickers and throat clearing behind him, suddenly he heard running feet and turned swiftly to see what foolishness Glorfindel was attempting now.
The warrior held a bucket of water in his hands and was coming hard for him. "That ought to beat the heat, councilor" the lieutenant cried out with the same cruel laugh that all the warriors tended to have when they were plaguing him and Erestor closed his eyes, preparing for the onslaught hoping his journal would survive. But Glorfindel winked at him, turned around and threw the water all over his lieutenant who was within perfect range-having stepped forward to deliver his taunt.
The elf froze, then spluttered and let out a most un-warrior like yelp as the impact of the cold water hit him in full.
Erestor pressed his lips together, and they shook, then Glorfindel wrapped a strong arm around his shoulder's in jovial camaraderie and squeezed once. "I think that should definitely beat the heat" he said-and Erestor burst out laughing uncontrollably. A shocked look sent his way by Glorfindel threatened to silence him, but then a wide grin took the golden haired lord's lips. "You have an amazing laugh" he said, patted his back and picked up a handful of dirt to add to his lieutenant's circumstance.
Erestor smiling, and laughing quietly to himself, headed off to find some other place to escape the heat-wondering what exactly what kind of force was suddenly sending him the sunshine and warmth that he had never seen before.
The end of the three weeks had the two facing each other on Erestor's couch, they had abandoned their chess game in exchange for hardy debate and with that settled they had fallen into silence. Erestor wondering if this could be the night that he would be able to relax enough to let Elrond in-7 days...7 days since his last wound and he felt strong, and warm and he felt the fire in his heart, in his skin, in his blood. Elrond seemed to have replaced the sticky tar of late, the blackness, the ice...Elrond was slowly replacing it all. He wanted so badly to show him...but each time he thought he had the courage to try, he'd reach for his hand, or lean for a kiss and some unspoken, unseen force inside of him would pull him back.
It didn't have words, it didn't tell him that he was a horrible person and deserved nothing. It didn't tell him that he wasn't good enough for Elrond, that was there of course-but this...block, this inability was horrible...it was inexplicable. It was frustrating because Erestor just couldn't overcome it, and he certainly couldn't articulate it. Not without upsetting someone, of this he was fairly sure. But he wanted to. More then anything. He just didn't know how to.
Elrond watched Erestor's face, this look, this was the look that told him that his love was thinking of dark things, things that he didn't want Erestor to be thinking. He looked troubled, frustrated, confused, afraid. All the things Elrond did not like to see. He reached out and touched Erestor's cheek. "Do you want me to leave?" he asked quietly.
Erestor frowned and then heaved a sigh. "I think so...that discussion took some out of me" he said, preparing himself for the wave of disappointment on Elrond's face. It came, however restrained and Erestor felt a freezing jet up his spine.
"It should have, you won" Elrond said. He knew that he had revealed himself, that he had let it slip. But in truth he was starting to wonder if that wasn't a good thing. It was positively exhausting keeping all this inside and he felt that if he could just talk about it with Erestor, it would be a relief but he would never push. No matter how exhausting and he shook his head once to clear it of those thoughts as he stood up.
"Well, you came close" Erestor said, and flinched inwardly at the opposite of that statement-in fact, Elrond had been farther from him then he ever had been before. They hadn't shared a single kiss that night, a strange situation to say the least.
"Indeed" he agreed as they walked to the door. "Thank you, for your company as always, Erestor...good night" the half-elf said, contemplating, he smiled warmly, squeezed his arm and then left, not thinking he was able to endure another good bye kiss, to return to his cold room and cold bed...not when he was already this wound up.
"Good night" Erestor returned, red lights flaring in his head, some demonic force made up of the cold itself swept through his mind and body and he froze in seconds, tar cracked and broke the surface as he closed the door, and as he turned to the inside of his apartment he found everything becoming viciously clear, sharp and highly detailed. As his vision sharpened like this he weaved, almost hitting the ground.
His mind jumped back to that fifteenth day, that wonderful day and the so close night that had followed. That had been their most intimate night since that first one, he'd worn an almost see through shirt...and then let Elrond take it off. He took Elrond's robes and shirt off, they'd enjoyed their warm flesh. Warmth. He knew. With Elrond gone. There was one thing that would bring warmth. Teach him to take that warmth from Elrond-what kind of disgusting creature was he to put Elrond through this. To torment him endlessly like this. How horrible was he to tease him, what a wanton disgusting tease of a whore.
Mind reeling with this revelation, how horribly he was treating the man he felt he loved he staggered to his bathroom, selected a tool, any tool would do at this time and laid the blade against his arm, slash, slash, slash the stinging shot through him and he looked down from far away, watching the blood drip down, he reached out and pried the wounds open up a little bit more, he smeared blood from them and wiped it on his face. He peered in the mirror and mechanically began to rub it all over his white skin. At some point, carving the words Must hide. Whore. Tease. Into his arm and right leg. He was shaking with shock, blood loss and cold when he finally sunk to the floor. Blood smeared on his hands, arms, legs, all over his face, neck, chest, hips...everywhere. He sunk to the floor, letting no comforting tears fall he managed one more cut before he passed out.
Several hours later, he came too, glancing around he remembered it all and shame and guilt set in. He leapt to his feet looking at his mirror he saw what all he had done, some of the few memories he had leaping to the fore and he winced sharply as the ones he couldn't remember faded out, teasing him with the possibility of more disgrace.
He looked at his bloody floor, his bloody bathtub, his bloody clothes, hands and face, and lifted his head to the sky, he opened his mouth to scream. But let his head drop. No. If anyone came here they would only be frightened. He turned to his bath and thought of drawing the cold water, no warm soaps and oils for him, no no this deserved an icy cold help.
He needed cold, cold would help...but he didn't want cold anymore, he wanted it to be different. Maybe if this were different he would be different. Maybe...maybe...he turned on his heel and fled from the room, wrapped in his outdoor cloak-he hoped his journey would be fast...that he would help. Finally arriving, he took a deep breath, and knocked on the door, hoping against hope that he wouldn't take one look at his true self and throw him from his life.