Disclaimer: I own very little, especially not CSI NY.
Author: Lily Moonlight
Notes: Chapter 18: The Sheriff awakes and considers the big issues - life, death and what he has to say to Stella
Thank you very much for reviews, please continue! They're a great help with writing, and I love knowing what you think. Thanks to Brinchen86, Forest Angel, sarramaks and ballettmaus for discussion; thanks for the pokes to update from Andorian Ice Princess-AIP, afrozenheart412, fractured-fairytale06, cmaddict and DNAisunique, and thanks to iluvcsi4ever for reading this chapter and making me an icon :D
Dedicated to Blue Shadowdancer
Once Upon A Time In the Old West
Chapter 18: Mac Taylor and Miss Stella
Mac:
Reckon I must've been asleep a while… Feel sorta caught between wakin' and sleepin'. Hope this state don't last too long; I ain't a man who likes sleepin'. Miss too much when you're asleep. Been aware of things happenin' around me for a little while now, but ain't been able to join in. Gotta fix that. Most importantly, I gotta make sure Stella's all right and then make sure I ain't missed anythin' of note. Doesn't do for the Sheriff of a town to be sleepin' while things are happenin'.
Seem to be having a bit of trouble gettin' myself to full awareness though. Reckon it's 'cause my body's had somethin' of a pummelling and it's takin' its time to get itself goin' again. I know I been lyin' here a bit of time. Remember some of what's happened and what's been happenin' round me, but only bits and pieces after fallin' through the floor.
Remember hearin' voices not so long ago, though it's hard to keep track of time when you've been sleepin' a while. Heard a few different voices, that I do know, includin' one I know almost better than I know my own voice. Stella's. Couldn't entirely make out what she was sayin', but it didn't matter. Sound of her voice was all I needed to hear, 'cause it told me she was alive and safe. Was content just to listen, words weren't important. Did wonder if she wanted me to say somethin' back to her though. Was that why she was speakin? Reckon I might've heard her sayin' my name. Seem to recall sayin' somethin' back to her, but can't remember exactly what it was… Might've been somethin' about her, but what specifically remains a blank. Seem to recall after I'd said whatever I did, that her voice got a little agitated.
Hope I didn't say anythin' that caused her upset or offence…
Guess once I'm awake and back in the land of the livin' I can ask her myself. Course, openin' my eyes is the first step towards that, but it seems to be a harder task than I thought. Don't seem to have the strength I need to do it. Still seem to be sorta' stuck halfway between asleep and awake. Got an awareness of things around me, but can't kinda reach them. Gotta concentrate…
Can hear a voice again, but it ain't Stella's this time. Don't know whose it is, though I know I know it… It's sayin' somethin' about wakin' up… Wakin' up and gettin' somethin' to eat…
Which makes me realise it's Mrs Hammerback's voice. But why am I hearin' her voice? Maybe I'm dead and gone to heaven. No, sure that ain't the case. Come on, Taylor! If I was dead, would I be hearin' the voice of Martha Hammerback? Likely not, but then, I ain't ever been dead before, so I couldn't say for sure. Though why Mrs Hammerback's in the same room as me when I've been asleep, I can't figure out neither. Don't know what Hammerback himself would have to say on that matter…
Now he's a man who thinks a lot about death. Guess that's understandable, given his profession. He ain't averse to sharin' his thoughts, but I gotta confess, usually I close my ears when he starts talkin' about certain things. Maybe I oughtta listen a little more in future, 'cause I'm wonderin' now what his thoughts on the afterlife are. Wonder if Mrs Hammerback features in his?
That's enough though! This ain't the kinda thing that's gonna get my eyes open. I ain't gonna waste time wonderin' about the afterlife, when I got plenty of time still to spend in this life. Plenty of things still to do and all, like askin' Stella an important question. The afterlife's gonna have to wait a while yet. But before I can be askin' any questions, I gotta wake up first.
Huh. Easier said than done. Keep tryin' to get my eyelids open and my mind out of this sorta' dream state, but it ain't happenin'. Reckon I been lyin' and dreamin' a fair bit of time, and it ain't so easy to get out of it. Don't remember much about the dreams, but I know Stella was in them. Guess that ain't so unusual. Sleep ain't somethin' I indulge in often, but when I do, then my mind dreams about her and us, and all kinds of pleasant things we could be doin' together. Things, if I'm honest with myself, I hope we might get around to doin' someday not too far in the future. Don't ever tell her about them though, as it wouldn't be a gentlemanly thing to do. Especially when some of those dreams are ones a gentleman should keep to himself. They ain't proper for a lady to hear, or to be shared with company. Still, a man's gotta dream, and if he can't dream about the woman he loves and hopes to marry, then who can he dream about?
Dreaming's all fine and good, however, this ain't the time for it. Because I realise that I still ain't actually told Stella that she's the woman I love and hope to marry…
Seem to becoming a bit more aware of things now though. Reckon I'm lyin' in a bed, 'cause it's warm and soft beneath me. Don't feel that terrible freezin' cold that I thought was gonna take the life from me down in those gunpowder works. Gotta confess, when I was lyin' in the dark after Stella had gone, I thought I was livin' my last moments. But I knew I didn't want to end my life that way, alone in the dark and cold. Knew I had to hold on for Stella. Thought of her kept me alive. She risked her life, even though I didn't want her to, goin' ridin' off by herself to get help.
Almost tore me in half that did; didn't want her to put her life at risk, but I knew that if she'd stayed there with me, then neither of us would've got out of there. Felt ashamed with myself though, for gettin' trapped under all that wood and unable to help myself. Stella shouldn't have had to take a risk like that to save me. Certainly weren't dreams that were in my head whilst I was lyin' there trapped under that beam, no, it were nightmares of the darkest kind. Nightmares about Stella lost in the snow, fallin' off Blaze, caught by the wolves and overtaken by the cold. Kept myself hangin' onto consciousness as long as I could down there, waitin' for her, waitin' to know she was all right, willing her to be all right and get back to the town safely.
And she made it. She made it back. I held on long enough to hear her voice again callin' down to me, then I knew she was safe. After that, don't remember much more. Got too dark and too cold, couldn't keep my eyes open much after that. Hurt too much. Things started sorta fadin' away from me then… Just a few things I recall, few pieces of memory… people callin', ropes comin' down beside me, brushin' over my face then bein' tied round me… bein' pulled up outta the darkness, then Stella's face lookin' into mine, her arms holdin' me tightly… She didn't let go of me. Maybe I ain't remembering it clearly, but I could swear I saw tears in her eyes. Maybe it's my mind playin' tricks though. Stella ain't a woman who cries, least she don't in the company of others. Can count on one hand the number of times I've seen tears fall from her eyes.
Seem to be slowly gettin' back to consciousness. Can hear Mrs Hammerback's voice clear as anythin' now. She's speakin' my name, so I guess I'd better try and answer. Still can't seem to get the words that are in my mind outta my mouth though. Real frustratin' that is. But I'm gettin' more aware of things. Aware of how much my ribs are hurtin' for one thing. Guess that's what bein' trapped under a whole heap of wood does for you. Sure don't do a man's ribs good. Still, least I know that if I'm feelin' pain, then it's fairly certain I ain't dead.
Know that when I do make it to bein' fully alert and awake, which ain't far off, then it's gonna hurt like hell. Had broken ribs a few times before - bein' Sheriff of a town means you gotta expect a few broken bones now and again - and it ain't ever a thing to enjoy. It's a thing to be endured till they heal up, but I ain't a man to complain. Just gonna grit my teeth and get through it. Other times when it's happened, I've had the good fortune to be cared for by Stella, usually after she's spoken her mind to me and let me know her disapproval of how those ribs have got broken in the first place. I don't mind all that though, as she usually finishes up her tellin' off with a sigh, a shake of her head, and then a kiss on the cheek for me. Reckon a kiss from Stella is worth the pain of a few cracked ribs.
Reckon too I can't be complainin' about a little discomfort after what Stella did, ridin' back through a blizzard which was cold enough to freeze your very bones. I'm thankful I'm alive, and that I got the woman I love still alive with me.
So, with that thought, I know I gotta stop all this dallying about, get my eyes open, and make sure that the woman I love knows that I love her! I've held off tellin' her for too long. I ain't forgotten how she told me to wait until we were both safe and out of danger to say what I was gonna say, but we've both waited long enough…
"Mr Taylor? Mr Taylor? Are you waking up, my love?"
Mrs Hammerback's voice is as clear as day, and it sounds like she's speakin' real close to my ear. Then I'm wonderin' why it ain't Stella's voice speakin' that close to me. Gets me real worried suddenly. Where is she? Surely it weren't all dreams about her voice speakin' earlier? Surely she ain't come to no more harm? Only one way to find out…
Get my eyes open a crack, and light almost blinds me. Makes me close 'em again real quick…
Come on, Taylor! You been asleep long enough. A little light ain't gonna hurt. So I try again. Seems to take one heck of an effort, but I ain't givin' in and I force my eyes to open and stay open this time. Takes a few blinks, but finally I realise my eyes are open, I'm awake and I'm alive.
"Mr Taylor! You're awake!"
Ain't no one but Mrs Hammerback who's got quite that knack of statin' an obvious fact. Try turnin' my head to look at her, still blinkin', 'cause everything's way too bright. A horrible kinda' thought strikes me again then - surely I ain't dead and this is heaven? Heaven's always described as bein' a bright kinda place…
Soon get rid of that thought though, I been through all that already. Don't reckon they got framed pictures of bowls of fruit on the walls of heaven neither, as that's the first thing that I get my eyes to focus on. Reckon also they don't have many angels that look like Martha Hammerback… though Mr Hammerback, and maybe even a hungry Don Flack might disagree with me there. Kinda hopin' that if I'm ever fit for a place in heaven, there'll only be one angel there, and she'll have green eyes and curls in her hair…
But I can't see her in the room, and now worry's gotten a grip on me. Why ain't she here?
"Stella…"
That don't sound like my voice; can hardly hear it, sounds sorta' rusty, but can't seem to produce anythin' louder. I'm turnin' my head, tryin' to lift it off of the pillow, but I can't see Stella! Can only see the round, smiling face of Mrs Hammerback, and feel her hand against my forehead.
"Mr Taylor, hush now…"
"Where… where is she? Where's Stella?" I croak. I gotta know, whatever's happened, I gotta know!
Her hand pats mine, and her soft voice with the accent that's never lost its foreign sound speaks again.
"Now just you listen to me, Mr Taylor, there's no need for you to be fretting…"
"Is she alive? Is she all right? Please…"
"If you give me a chance to tell you, my lovely, I can reassure you that Miss Stella is alive and well."
Feels then like the light shinin' in my eyes has gotten a whole lot brighter. Stella's all right! But I want to see her, to know for sure. Not that I don't trust Mrs Hammerback, 'cause she's a soul you could trust your life and secrets with, but I can't feel sure till I've seen her myself.
"Where is she?"
Soon as I ask that, my voice sorta gives out and I find myself coughin', my throat feelin' dry as dust…
"You'll be wanting some water, my love."
Mrs Hammerback helps me sit up, proppin' a few pillows behind me, and hands me a glass of water. I'm real grateful for her mind reading skills, and can't deny a glass of water's a welcome thing, but there's something more important I need. As if in answer to that, and as if to prove that Stella's the person who knows my mind better than anyone, there's the sound of footsteps hurrying along outside the room and next moment, the door's flung open and the woman I owe my life to comes flying over to me.
"Oh, Mac! Mac, you're awake!"
With a cry, she's wrapping her arms round me and pressing a kiss to my cheek. Find my arms around her, holding her as tight as I can. Not as tightly as I'd like, but for now, all that matters is that's she in my arms and we're both alive and safe.
"Oh, Mac…" she murmurs, her head nestling into the crook of my neck. Though it's still a little stiff, I raise my arm and stroke my hand through her hair, and feel the worry and fear in me start to be soothed away.
Gotta own that I'd be content to stay like this all day, but after a minute, my ribs let me down, and I can't help a small hiss of pain escapin' me as I shift about. Stella pulls back with a look of concern on her face.
"Did I hurt you?" she asks, keepin' hold of my arms, her eyes studying my face closely.
"You didn't hurt me," I tell her truthfully. "Wouldn't care even if you had. It's thanks to you I'm still here and able to feel a bit of discomfort… Which weren't nothing to do with you," I add hastily. "Just got myself in an awkward position…"
There's the sound of someone clearing their throat, and I suddenly become aware of the position that me and Stella are in - she's half-lyin' across the bed, holdin' onto me and I'm in the bed, wearin' probably not much more than a nightshirt. Guess it could be seen by some as bein' a little awkward and improper, but only to those who are too narrow-minded to see beyond. Besides, Stella's fully dressed, even if I ain't.
However, Mrs Hammerback certainly ain't a narrow-minded woman, certainly ain't narrow-waisted either, but that's neither here nor there… What matters is that she's lookin' at us with a smile, and there's no mistakin' the twinkle in her eyes.
"I think the two of you might like a minute or two by yourselves, my lovelys, as I know you've both got lots to say to each other. How about I potter downstairs and check on my Sidney, and then bring you both up something to eat and drink? How does that sound?"
Stella jumps to her feet and smoothes down her dress, and there ain't no mistakin' the blush in her face as she answers. "That'd be real kind of you, Mrs Hammerback, if it ain't too much trouble. Reckon Mac's in need of something in his stomach after bein' asleep all this time."
Mrs Hammerback takes both Stella's hands in hers. "Mr Taylor isn't the only one in need of something to eat and drink, my love. When was the last time anything passed your lips? I have a strong suspicion you haven't touched a morsel since yesterday, and that can't be good for you. Now don't you say a word in protest," she continues as Stella seems about to speak. "It's no trouble to bring something for you both. You've had a worrying time, and you can't deal with worries on an empty stomach. By my estimation, it's long past lunchtime, and long past time you ate something!"
"That'd be real nice of you," Stella replies meekly. "Guess I could eat a little something…"
"Then it's settled!" Mrs Hammerback beams. "I won't be long, just long enough for you to reassure yourselves you're both all right."
With a broad smile, she bustles out of the room, and we're left alone. Now the moment's come for talking, both of us are struggling for the right things to say. Stella stands there fidgeting with her fingers, her eyes fixed on the ground, and I find myself tongue-tied temporarily. After a few awkward moments, I realise I'm gonna have to break the silence.
"You gonna sit down?" I say, realisin' that ain't really what I wanted to say, but it's gonna have to suffice for now.
Stella looks up at me briefly, before casting her eyes to the floor again, but she sits down, this time on the chair next to the bed. Then she gives a heavy sigh, and finally looks back into my eyes.
"Mac…" she starts to say, but I find myself reaching out and clasping her hand, knowing I gotta speak and tell her things before the chance is lost.
"Stella… before you say anythin' more, I gotta tell you what I was gonna say when we were in the gunpowder works, before you left to get help. Remember? Remember I was gonna tell you somethin' and you told me I had to wait till we were both back here safe?"
She nods, her eyes wide and fixed on me, her other hand now on top of mine, so my hand's safe in between hers. "I remember," she whispers.
I swallow, lowering my gaze, and then raise my eyes, not wanting to lose sight of hers. "I… I was gonna tell you, and I know I should've told you before now, 'cause it shouldn't take a near-death experience to get a man to share his feelings, but…"
"It's all right," she says, and moves closer to me, so I feel like I'm almost becoming lost in her gaze. Her eyes are drawing me in and for a moment it renders me unable to speak. Both of us are starin' at each other, my heart's hammering in my chest, and I get the feelin' that I maybe don't need to speak, that we're understandin' between us everythin' we need to. But I know that even so, there are still some words you gotta say out loud, because a woman needs to hear them, and a man needs to say them. So I take a deep breath, and open my mouth to let her know exactly what's in my heart.
"Stella, you mean more to me…"
But fate intervenes before I can finish my sentence, and we're interrupted by a brisk knock on the door. Both of us look at each other, and with rueful smiles and a light pressure of our fingers together, acknowledge that we're gonna have to wait a little longer.
"It's fine, Mac," Stella whispers. "You'll get the chance soon enough." And she caresses my face before calling out for whoever's knocking to come in.
It's Hawkes who makes his entrance, looking a little rumpled in appearance, but still bright and alert. Casting his eyes over both of us, he wastes no time in giving us short shrift over our adventures the previous day. Studying Stella's appearance when she's concentratin' on answering Hawkes back, I can see how she ain't got the usual colour in her face, and that she's got a fair number of bruises, scratches and scrapes over her skin. Gives me more than a tug of guilt to my heart, knowin' that ultimately I'm the one to blame.
"You're more than lucky you didn't get any infection from these scratches, or suffer any ill effects of hypothermia and frostbite," Hawkes says severely, as he rolls back the sleeves of her dress to look over her arms. "Never known the likes of you two for getting out of trouble by the skin of your teeth."
Stella looks a little chastened, and I busy myself in takin' some sips of water, before he turns his attention to me.
He stays with us a while, talkin' and checkin' I'm healin' up to his satisfaction, and it ain't long before Mrs Hammerback returns with food and drink, meaning Stella and I don't get so much as a second alone. Between them, they fill me in on everythin' that's happened, most importantly, the disappearance of Miss Monroe and Daniel Messer, and how Don and Miss Angell have ridden out to find them. That's news to make a man frown, and it makes me even more determined that I ain't gonna be spendin' any more time than I have to out of the action.
Soon as Hawkes has left the room, murmuring somethin' about finding out where Miss Higgins is, Mrs Hammerback announces that I should get some more sleep. Sleeping's the last thing I want to be doin', however, and I tell her so. And tell her that I ain't gonna be stayin' in bed a moment longer. At that, Stella's face draws into a frown and I know she's gonna object, however, I ain't gonna listen to her.
So after a short time of arguments flyin' back and forth between the three of us, we end up with Stella waitin' outside the door, and Mrs Hammerback helpin' me outta bed and back into my clothes, because, as she puts it, she's a married lady and used to seein' men in all kinds of states of undress. Usually Stella's the only woman who can bring heat to my cheeks, but Mrs Hammerback manages it with just one sentence. Won't ever be able to look at her husband the same again...
Gotta admit, gettin' dressed causes me more than a few intakes of breath and bitten back curses. Cracked ribs and the other knocks and bumps I took sure are painful. But I manage it, and it ain't too long before I'm limpin' over to the door, helped by Mrs Hammerback. Soon as I'm through it, Stella's at my side, and even though she's shakin' her head at me in a despairin' kinda way, she puts her arm round me, and takin' it carefully, we make our way downstairs and back into the midst of everythin'.
Barely have time to be greeted warmly by all the folks that seem to be crowded into the Saloon, folks such as Hammerback, Miss Higgins, Ross, and the Angells, before there's a shout from outside. Followin' a little slower behind everyone, with Stella still supporting me, we make our way to the door, and folks stand aside to let us move to the front. We're greeted by the sight of Don and Miss Angell riding up Main Street, with a wagon in tow behind their horses. Sittin' behind Miss Angell is an exhausted Miss Monroe, and propped up behind Don, is a battered and bleeding Daniel Messer. There's a story to be told there, but for the moment, all that matters is that they're alive.
Miss Higgins and Hawkes hasten over and rush them indoors pretty smartly, helped by Miss Angell, leavin' Don to come stridin' over to us. Brushin' aside the questions he fires at me in the way of what am I doin' up and out of bed, I demand some answers from him. Contentin' himself with a glare at me and Stella, he indicates for us to follow him over to the wagon, where watched by a hushed crowd of onlookers, he pulls back the front of it to reveal two men tied back to back. Both are covered in cuts and bruises and one of them has a roughly bandaged wound to his shoulder.
"Meet Louie Messer and his pal Buck Gibbons," Don announces, contempt clear in his voice. "Responsible for the kidnapping of Danny Messer and Lindsay Monroe, and, according to their sorry selves, responsible for the delivery of a message to the Sheriff of Hattanville. Matter of life and death they say…"
"You got that right," one of the men slurs, fixing bleary eyes on me. "If you value your life, you'll listen up good, Sheriff... 'Cause if you don't, you and the whole of this two-bit town are facin' a certain and terrible death."
A trickle of blood runs from the corner of his mouth and he gives a wheezing laugh that echoes in the silence that's fallen all around us.
Slightly shameless request - I'm under enforced rest for a couple of weeks and a little fed up, so I'd really appreciate reviews, and promise to send rambling and hopefully entertaining replies to them :D Thanks, Lily x
PS 'Hidden Agenda' updated recently as well!