Chapter Six
Both Jane and Maura were quiet on the drive back to Maura's. Each had thoughts running through their minds. As it turns out, both ladies were thinking along the same lines. Both were letting their minds wander over what had occurred over the course of dinner and after.
Maura hadn't meant to linger outside the kitchen entry while Jane and Angela were talking. She hadn't meant to listen in on a private conversation. But she did linger. And she had heard. And now it was all she could think about. Unless she had taken the conversation entirely out of context Maura was sure she had heard Angela attempting to tell Jane she was ok with anyone Jane would want to be with. Maura was pretty sure Angela was trying to tell Jane she would be ok if that anyone was a woman.
But Maura didn't trust her ability to read people or social situations. She wasn't sure if that's where Angela had meant for the conversation to go. She wasn't even sure if Jane was attracted to woman. Maura found herself wondering if that was just what she wanted Angela to be telling Jane. That she wanted Jane to be attracted to her and she was hoping Angela was trying to tell Jane she wouldn't have an issue with that.
She just didn't know. Not for sure. She knew she felt an attraction. That was definite. From the moment she met Jane she had been taken by her beauty. But it was more than that. Jane was the first person Maura ever felt completely comfortable with. From the very beginning there was just something about Jane that felt different to Maura. But different in just a wonderful way Maura couldn't really understand it.
Maura had been with both men and women in the past but this seemed completely different to her. The others were only about physical needs. Her time and interactions with Jane revolved more around the emotional side and felt deeply personal. No one person to that point in her life had ever made her feel the things she was feeling when she was around Jane. And because of that Maura was not sure what she should do next.
She had always been naturally comfortable with the notions and functions of sex and sexuality. Almost to the point of being clinical about the entire concept. That comfort level seemed to allow her a level of confidence in herself and in various situations. A sense of confidence that she now found to be lacking when it came to her thoughts about Jane.
She felt as if Jane was attracted to her. She wanted to believe there were several occasions where the two had exchanged a look or a glance that Maura interpreted as suggestive bordering on wanting. That the times she caught Jane staring at her there was desire behind the look. She wanted Jane to be spending as much time thinking about her as she was thinking about Jane. But to that point, she just wasn't sure.
Her biggest fear was that she was misreading what she thought she saw in Jane's reactions and responses to her. Given her lack of friends in life she didn't have much to use as a baseline comparison that would help her understand what the exact dynamic that was forming between them. She couldn't let herself be wrong about this. She couldn't put at risk the friendship that she was sure was developing between them. So for now she resolved to wait and see.
R&I
As Jane drove she let the conversation she had with her mother replay in her head. The conversation had been as close as the two had ever come to discussing Jane's sexuality. She had been pretty convinced for years that her mother at least suspected that she might be gay. But she had never, to that point, confirmed or denied that fact to her mother. To Jane it wasn't that simple. She didn't see herself as a label. Labels seemed too set. Too defined. And Jane felt neither set nor defined. There were times she found herself attracted to both sexes so she was happier not attaching a label to herself.
It wasn't something Jane was avoiding. It just was something she didn't talk about. It was something that she long ago knew was no one else's business but hers. Jane, at heart, was an extremely private person. She always had been. She didn't discuss deeply personal things with anyone in her life. Not friends. Not family. She just wasn't wired that way.
She was social. She had friends. She even had a few people she would call close friends. But when it came time to talking about personal matters she never felt comfortable talking with anyone about herself. Her deep intimate thoughts, feelings and beliefs were just that. Intimate. Private. Hers. It wasn't any issue of denial or hiding. She just didn't flaunt her preferences or discuss her private life.
Some of that was because of her profession. She was trying to make it in a 'man's world' without trying to be judged on things that were not related to her job performance. She wanted to be respected for how she did her job not defined by who she chose to sleep with. She was always annoyed with the cliches and stereotypes that seemed to follow her through the academy and her time as a beat cop. All she wanted was to be seen as a good detective not someone labeled by her sexual preference.
She was comfortable in her own skin. She was happy with who she was. To her, that was all that ever mattered. As she got older she found people asked less and it didn't seem to matter as much. She found she had achieved what she had wanted. She had the respect of the station. Respect she had earned from working hard and doing a good job. She had managed to break into the 'boy's club' without the help or hinderance of any kind of sexual identity.
She had achieved what she had wanted to achieve without having to justify herself or her lifestyle to anyone. Friend, family or co-worker. She lived her life the best she could but she never sought permission or approval. She wanted support. She wanted acceptance. But she would never ask for it. She would earn it. Which she had done repeatedly over the years.
So when the moment came that night and her mother offered up what seemed to Jane as unconditional support and acceptance, it touched Jane deeply. She would tell her mother her preferences if Angela ever asked. But she wouldn't throw it out there if she wasn't asked. Her mother's implied sentiment that night made Jane consider the woman sitting next to her.
Jane was strongly attracted to Maura. She was captivated by her beauty but it was more than that. Maura had an effect on Jane no other person had ever had before. Jane felt relaxed and comfortable around Maura. She found herself talking more about her thoughts and feelings than she had ever done in the past.
Jane wanted Maura to be a part of her life. She wanted Maura in her life. She found herself wanting to know everything about Maura she could. She felt an unbelievable connection with her and she was pretty sure Maura felt something similar.
She hoped Maura was attracted to her as well. She thought she was. There had been enough stares, glances and looks exchanged between to convince Jane that Maura was indeed interested in her. Jane felt more and more confident about the attraction being mutual the more time they spent together. Jane just knew she needed to work up the nerve to do something to prove or disprove her belief.
R&I
Before either one of them realized it, Jane had arrived back at Maura's house. The entire car ride back had been in complete silence but neither seemed to have noticed. Jane broke the silence as she put the car in park. "I feel as though I need to apologize to you for tonight," she said as she turned to face Maura.
"I had a wonderful time. You don't owe me any apologizes. If anything, I owe you a thank you for introducing me to your family," Maura replied.
Jane dropped her eyes from Maura's. "But I should have prepared you for Tommy. I just didn't. I think part of me didn't want you to have a negative impression of him. He's actually a decent guy when he isn't drinking. But I know he was a jerk tonight and I am sorry."
"Jane," Maura said reaching out to take Jane's hand. "I don't have a negative opinion about your brother. I'm fine. He didn't hurt me. Granted he didn't come across as a gentleman but that was the alcohol. Does he really have an issue?"
"Frankie and I think he is an alcoholic. Ma and Pop just think he's immature and that he'll grow out of it." She sighed and looked up at Maura. "He's had two DUIs already. His driver license is suspended. He continues to drink. And drive. And one of these days he is going to really hurt someone."
"That is a distinct possibility if he continues to operate a motorized vehicle while under the influence. Unfortunately though, while alcoholism is a disease, most research finds that until the subject, in this case your brother, wants to admit there is an issue and actively seek help for the problem there is little you or your family can do for him. He has to want to stop before it can get any better."
Jane nodded. "And Tommy doesn't think he has any issues. He tried AA once after his first DUI arrest but he didn't stick with the meetings or the program. He was forced to enter a program after his second DUI but I'm pretty sure he continued to drink all throughout that process. He won't agree to voluntary rehab and Ma certainly won't commit him."
"Until he can admit to himself that he has a problem none of that would do him much good anyway," Maura said not quite sure what else she could say to make Jane feel better.
"I know. I get that. I do. But I worry about him," she looked again at Maura. "Are you really sure that you are ok? I know he grabbed your wrist."
Maura held up the wrist in question and flexed it a few times to show Jane she was fine. "He didn't hurt me. You were on him fast enough to let anything happen." She couldn't help the smile as she thought about how quickly Jane had come to her rescue. She'd never seen anyone move so quickly.
"I'd never let anyone hurt you," Jane said almost as a reflex but the absoluteness of the statement was undeniable. They both exchanged a look and Jane was thankful she was still seated. Had she been standing she was pretty sure her knees may have given out on her.
"Your brother notwithstanding," Maura said, "I really did enjoy meeting your parents." She was quiet for a minute before speaking again. "Can I ask you something?"
Jane looked at her, "Anything."
"Did you always eat dinner together as a family when you were growing up? Dinner like tonight?"
Jane didn't miss the flash of sadness that passed over Maura as she asked. "Yeah. Ma was big on sit down dinners. Breakfast and lunch were generally fend-for-yourself experiences. But dinner was family time. We had dinner every night at 6 pm and there weren't very many excuses that were ever deemed acceptable for missing dinner."
Maura didn't respond to Jane's answer with anything more than a nod of her head. It was a rare occasion for Maura to dine with her parents when she was a kid. The vast majority of her dinners were either shared with the nanny or Maura simply would dine alone. Watching Jane's family interact all throughout the night Maura caught a brief glimpse of something she completely missed out on as a child.
Jane hadn't gotten too many of the details of Maura's childhood to that point. She knew Maura was adopted and that her parents traveled extensively. She knew Maura attended boarding school in Europe from a fairly young age. With questions like the one she just asked, Jane was quickly getting the sense that Maura's childhood was by no means a happy one. In fact she was pretty sure it was a very lonely one.
Jane felt bad for the things she was starting to think Maura missed out on. And she was baffled by it all. How could anyone not want to spend time with Maura? Especially her parents. People who were supposed to love her and care for her. Jane, who knew the closeness of her family was generally a rare thing, still just couldn't understand how someone could ever chose not be around the woman who so completely fascinated her.
Looking over at Maura Jane again saw a look a sadness on her face. It was in that moment that Jane felt as if she wanted to spend the rest of her life trying to ensure that Maura never felt that kind of sadness ever again. It was all it took for her to do what she had wanted to do from the time she first meet the doctor.
"Maura?" she asked with just a hint of nervousness.
"Yes?" Maura replied and looked up to meet Jane's eyes.
"Would you maybe want to go out with me sometime? On a date? I mean, it's totally fine if you don't want to or if you aren't interested. I mean I don't want to make you feel like you have to say yes if you don't want to. And it's completely ok if you don't want to. I promise I won't be mad and we can still continue to just be friends as I do think we are becoming friends which is really great because I really like you and I will always want to be your friend but I have to be honest with you and tell you that I'm pretty sure I'm starting to really like you and I mean that in such a 'more than friends' kind of way and I'd like to see you outside of work and get to know you and all of that but just the two of us instead of trying to throw in my folks or the guys from the station like when we stop for drinks so I was thinking that maybe if you feel at all interested we could maybe just go have dinner together to see if there is anything more to th.."
Jane was stopped from further rambling by Maura's lips.
Before Jane could hit a reset switch in her mind Maura had leaned across the car and kissed her. It took a fraction of a second for Jane to catch on to what was going on. After that fraction of a second Jane's mind cleared and she kissed back. The kiss, which started out a bit timid, quickly turned full and definitive.
Maura was sure in the moments leading up to the kiss that she hadn't witnessed anything more adorable than Jane's rambling attempt to ask her out. Just as she was sure that she had never kissed lips quite as soft, quite as full or quite as intoxicating as the ones she was fully appreciating in that moment.
Jane couldn't remember ever having the kind of reaction to a kiss as the one she was having in that moment. She had heard the Hollywood cliches about fireworks and sparks but she had always thought it was just that. A cliche. In the brief moments her lips were firmly pressed up against those in front of her she found herself being forced to give up on that belief. In that moment, she was absolutely convinced that if she had bothered to open her eyes she would have seen fireworks spraying above them. The sensations derived from kissing Maura were more than she could have imagined.
When they finally broke for air Maura looked at Jane. "Yes." It was all she said. But then again, it was all she needed to say.
R&I
As Tommy rolled over on the bed and slowly started to wake he tried to figure out why it felt as if someone was using a jackhammer on his head. Everything hurt. His entire body felt like he had been run over by a truck. His stomach was threatening to revolt against him too.
He hadn't let his eyes open. Mostly because he knew the light would hurt his head and he was trying to avoid that added torment for as long as possible. He rolled over again trying to piece together what he remembered about the night before. He was fairly certain that he was in his old room at his parent's home.
As he let his mind piece together events from the day before he remembered he had planned on joining the family for dinner. There was something about meeting a friend of Jane's. He remembered stopping by a friend's house to drop off some tools he had borrowed. He had stayed for a drink. But as he thought about it there had been more than just one drink.
Dinner. He had made it to dinner. His memory was hazy. But as sleep was leaving his body he was fairly certain he had made an ass of himself at the dinner. He flashed onto Jane and knew she had thrown him into the wall for something. He assumed it was for something he said. The regret that was starting to creep into his thoughts was not helping the aches still swirling through his body.
"You may want to take these," a voice spoke. It startled him.
"Wh...?" he grumbled rolling over again and regretfully opening his eyes. He was right about the light. He immediately squeezed his eyes closed again and buried his face into a pillow. "Jane?"
"Hold out your hand," he heard his sister say again.
Instinctively he did just that. He felt the bed dip and knew Jane had sat down. He then suddenly felt her place something in his hand and could feel that it was aspirin. He rolled again and half sat up trying to ignore the lurch of his stomach as he moved. He took the aspirin and reached his other hand out for the bottle of water Jane was offering him. He took the aspirin and tried to drink as much of the water as he could stand. He knew he was dehydrated. He finished sitting up and looked at his sister.
"How bad?" he asked.
"You did a pretty decent job making an ass of yourself at dinner," she answered.
He dropped his eyes still trying to piece everything together. "What did I say?"
"It was more what you tried to do," she replied.
He was quiet for a minute trying to think. And then an image came to him. "Oh God, did I attack your friend?"
Jane watched him as he was connecting the jumbled pieces of the night before. "Attack is a little harsh. But you did grab her and attempt to get her to grab you." Jane didn't even try to hide her anger at that.
"Oh Janie, I'm sorry. Did I...did I hurt her?"
Jane shook her head. "No. You scared her but you didn't hurt her."
Neither spoke for a minute until Tommy broke the silence. "I'm sorry."
"The thing is, Tommy, you are always sorry the morning after. I even believe that you are sorry the morning after. What I don't understand is why we continue to have mornings after with you. When are you going to admit there's an issue and get some help?"
"Look Jane, I don't..." he started but Jane cut him off.
"Don't Tommy. Don't even try to finish that sentence. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep having this conversation with you. You have a problem. Your drinking is a problem."
Tommy dropped his eyes but didn't answer.
"I want to help you Tommy. But you have to want to help yourself first. I can't do that for you. Ma and Pop can't do that for you. Frankie can't do that for you. You are going to have to want to change and want the help." Jane stood up and headed for the door. Turning she added one last thing. "I don't know if you will ever want that help. But if you do, I'll be there for you."
She walked out of the room without waiting for him to say anything else.