A/N: Not my best work. I'm not sure that I captured what I wanted to capture.
Some things we don't talk about
Rather do without
And just hold the smile
He could remember the days when he'd show up at the station just to see her. To say something stupid... or anything really just to get that sliver of a smile to cross her lips. Her favorite seemed to be when he'd pester Lassiter into submission... or into threatening his life. Those were the days when everyone thought him to be a psychic. When they thought that his wacky carefree lifestyle was because of his clairvoyant ways. Those had been the good days, the easy days.
At first he had told her the truth. How he really just had a photographic memory, and even explained why he had lied. She had taken it bad at first. Yelling at him, even throwing a few things at him. After of week of cooling off she came to his apartment and apologized. Explaining to him that she understood why he had done it, and why he had lied to her. After that they just didn't talk about it anymore. She let him continue to act like a psychic, and didn't say word, fearful that he'd end up behind bars.
It took a couple of months, but finally everything seemed to be back to normal between them. She kissed him more, and smiled like she had when she had first shown up in Santa Barbara. He hadn't really realized how much he had missed it until that first day that she did it again. Remembering clearly, the way it lit her face up. It was only then that things went back down hill.
A former client, an unhappy one at that. Had taken him hostage, and wouldn't release him until he admitted on video that he wasn't really psychic, and though it wasn't a shock for Juliet, it was one for Chief Vick and Lassiter. Even if Lassiter had wanted to slap cuffs on him there and now for hindering a police investigation, he had to wait. He had to go to trial, and admit publicly that he wasn't psychic. Though the judge had gone easy on him. House arrest for three months, and too many hour of community service, it was the trust he lost that hurt him worst.
Falling in and out of love
Ashamed and proud of
Together all the while
Then of course there was the day that stood out almost more than any other. The day he had dropped down to one knee, opened the petite black box, and asked a certain blonde detective to be his bride. The nervous jitters that fluttered around inside his body had been like nothing he had ever felt before. It had been one of his proudest moments, and the blindingly bright smile that crossed Juliet's lips would be forever engraved in his mind. Pushed into his little book of memories, for him to pull out again, any time he really needs the pick me up.
Though he would never claim that they're relationship was easy, or without it's faults. Arguments from both sides had left a dull taste in their mouths after only two years of marriage. At one point, both of them thought that divorcing might be better than trying to keep a relationship that seemed to be dying, alive. Then Juliet watched as a bullet nearly took Shawn's life.
It was only after his near death experience that Shawn admitted that he had slept with someone else while they were in relationship turmoil. While she had been angry, and kicked him out. Quickly, she came around, and though their relationship hadn't been the same, it had somehow been better.
I will be your guardian
When all is crumbling
To steady your hand
It was about the time of their fifth year wedding anniversary that found Juliet standing in the hospital. Tears flowing freely down her cheeks. Her hand had cupped in front of her mouth to keep the growing sobs from breaking free. Finally, as Shawn stood behind her, his hand rubbing repetitive circles on her back, she turned to face him. The words that she had mumbled, broke his heart into a thousand tiny pieces. She had blamed herself for Lassiter's severe injuries. Ones that the doctor wasn't sure that he'd be able to return from.
It had taken a year, but he had been able to return to work in a much less fabulous fashion. Though Shawn had thought it was hilarious to see the once senior detective, stuck behind a desk, while Juliet combed the streets bagging all the bad guys. In Shawn's eyes, it was a much needed twist of fate that eventually brought Juliet the happiness that she hadn't known she needed.
Of course, that had only lasted six months. When she found out she was pregnant, she too had been benched, but her's was in a much less permanent way. Though Shawn found her pregnancy to be scary, and thought often of just how horrible of a father he'd turn out to be. Once his daughter was born it took away all of those scary feelings and replaced them with love.
The look on Juliet's face, was another cherished memory that he would forever keep in his memory photo-book, tucked neatly away in his mind. Through the sweat and tears that seemed to stick to her face, the brightly lit smile on her face, and the shaking hand she reached out was the second most beautiful thing he had seen that day. He had reached out his free hand, and grabbed a hold of hers, steadying it.
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Shawn felt a small smile cross his lips. His mind back to the present. His hand rubbed against the smooth stone in front of him. His heart heavy, as it was everyday. Though it was slightly worse today, than most others. He couldn't force himself to even think of it as an anniversary. It was far too morbid for where he usually allowed his thoughts to locate themselves.
He felt a small hand on his shoulder, and he lifted his hand to grasp the other. His daughter. Carly was almost ten now. She had her mother's stunningly beautiful blond hair, and blue eyes. A smile crossed her face, and there was no doubt in Shawn's mind that her smile too belonged to Juliet. The only real thing that was Shawn-like about his daughter, was her personality.
"What are you doing, baby girl?" His eyebrow quirked. He strictly remembered leaving Carly in the car with Gus.
"Watching you daddy." She flashed that smile that made his knees give way. The one that she knew she could get away with murder with.
"I thought daddy told you to stay in the car with Uncle Gus?" His voice was stern but wavering quickly.
"But daddy! Uncle Gus is boring. He was talking about his job again." He watched as Carly rolled her eyes dramatically, and fought against the laugh that had bubbled up into his throat. She was not going to win this one.
"I know sweetie, but I need you to go back to the car with Uncle Gus. Daddy has something to finish up here."
He watched his little girl look around where he was, and realization crossed her face. Oh yes, mentally speaking, she was her father's daughter. He really didn't want her to ask the question he could already see written on her tiny face.
"Daddy..." she looked down in that cute, I'm totally shy, way. Shawn had known when she was much younger, that she'd be a little heartbreaker. The cuteness factor was too far off the charts, and her attention span was shorter Gus's non hair. "Are you talking to mommy?"
Shawn sighed deeply. Yes, this was the question he was avoiding. His hand glided across the shiny stone again, and read what it said. Loving wife, mother, sister, and daughter. He had wished that there was more space to say everything that needed to be said about Juliet. He had been too withdrawn to actually say the words at her funeral. Carly had been tucked in his arms, even if his hands were shaking. It had been the single worst day of his life, well aside from hearing the words that your wife was dead.
"Yes sweetie. I am. Daddy needs private time to talk to mommy though. So can you go sit with Uncle Gus. Tell him that daddy said to stop being Mr. Gussy Boring Pants, and to tell you a story."
She smiled at him brightly, before wrapping her tiny arms around Shawn's neck. "I love you, daddy."
"I love you too, my little pumpkin doodle."
After giving Shawn a kiss on his cheek, she ran off. He smiled when he heard her whispering to herself about Gus telling her a story about mommy and daddy.
Then he turned his attention back to the plot of dirt that his wife was buried under. A tear slipped from his eye, as he drug out the worn piece of paper. It was a tradition. Every year, on the 'anniversary' of her death, he'd drag his worn body up the hill of the cemetary. He'd claim his seat under the large maple tree that sat just in front of her headstone. He'd remember all their times together, the good and the bad. Then he'd read his note to her. The one he wrote the night before she had been killed, the one he never had a chance to give her.
"Hey Jules. Baby, I miss you so much." Pausing, as a small sad smile crossed his lips. "Carly misses you too. She talks about you all the time. I think that maybe, my memory has it good uses. I can tell Carly stories about you, and watch her face light up. She might have only been five when you left us, but she still remembers you. Of anything I could have given that beautiful little girl, I am glad I could share my memory with her. That way, at least a tiny piece of you will remain with her."
He clutched his note tightly in his bawled up fists.
"I brought the letter with me, and I'm gonna read it." He chuckled lightly. "I know, it's probably getting tiring. Hearing the same ol' stuff. Sorry 'bout that."
His eyes glanced the letter, and a fresh batch of tears slid down his cheeks.
My Dearest Juliet,
I want to thank you. For sticking with me. For not giving up, even when we both thought that was the best option. I know we had our trying times, the times when you wondered what the hell you did. I know that I on more than one occasion thought to myself, 'what in the hell was she thinking marrying me.' Marrying you was the single greatest decisions of my life. Standing in front of all our friends, and our family, and vowing myself to you forever. I couldn't think of a better way to spend a lifetime.
Then you're giving heart, gave me the greatest gift anyone could ask for. You gave me Carly. The joy that thumps in my heart when I look at that little girl. I can't even begin to explain it. I don't have to, because I know that you feel the same way.
I just need you to know how much I love you, and how grateful I am that you have forgiven my mistakes. I know that I am not a perfect person, but I will spend the rest of my life proving to you how much I love you.
Love Always,
Shawn 'Mega Hottie' Spencer