X~~~~X
Castle had been knocking on her door for minutes but didn't get an answer. He finally pulled out his own key, the one Kate had given to him two days after her birthday and opened the door to let himself in.
Her apartment looked deserted, no signs of her being here in the past hour at all and he started to worry. If she wasn't home, where did she go? He knew with every passing minute there was the chance Kate would pull further away from him, making it so much harder to get her to listen if she retreated back to the shell he had coaxed her out of over the past months.
He looked through every room just to make sure and then left a note on her kitchen counter, begging her to call him when she got home before stepping out and back on the street again.
He called the precinct, Cynthia and even Esposito and Lanie but none of them had heard from her or knew where she might have gone.
He hadn't wanted to get them involved but he just didn't know what else to do. In the end he was left with no other choice but to go back home and hope she would show up, hopefully sooner than later.
He passed the courtyard with the small playground they had been to so many times in the beginning, when Jamie and he had started to build their relationship and in the fading daylight he almost missed the lonely figure sitting on one of the swings.
"Kate," he breathed, when he recognized her silhouette and stopped in his tracks, before turning on his heels and entering the courtyard.
Castle crossed the playground, careful not to startle Kate when he sat down on the swing next to her.
"Kate?" He said quietly, but she didn't move, nor did she acknowledge his presence in any other way, she simply kept staring at the ground in front of her.
"Kate, please. Let me explain." He said gently, "It's not what it looks like. I swear."
This time she did look at him and he could see she had been crying, her eyes red, her cheeks tear-stained and it broke his heart. She had been disappointed often enough in her life, he didn't want to add to it.
"Gina and I had lunch," he started, when she kept silent, "after the meeting I had at Black Pawn a couple of weeks ago. I knew she was interested in me and I would have declined, but she said she wanted to talk about a new offer from Black Pawn, a new contract. I didn't know how to say no when she made it sound like a business lunch."
Castle knew none of this actually explained what could be seen on the pictures so he quickly went on, he didn't want to give her the chance to retreat from him in any way. At least not any further than she might already have.
"She wanted to know why I was so determined not to go on that book tour Paula wanted to set up and she suspected I might have met someone."
"And what? You couldn't simply confirm her suspicion without going into detail?" Kate interrupted him, her voice bitter and he quickly shook his head.
"Well it sounds quite simple now I know," he agreed with her, "But Kate we had never talked about it and you always seemed so determined not to go public. I didn't know if I was allowed to simply tell her that; Yes, I have found someone, someone who on top is the mother of my youngest daughter. And I didn't know if she would leave it at that, if she wouldn't start to pry. I just didn't know what to do," he sighed. "I panicked."
"And your answer to panic was to flirt with her?" Kate's voice was dripping with sarcasm.
"Yes and believe me I know how stupid it sounds now. But right in that moment I didn't come up with a better plan to throw her off. You know how I get when I feel cornered, I do stupid things."
A small smile played around her lips. She knew how he could get when he didn't know what to do. They were both very good at taking impulsive actions.
"Apparently I didn't do a good job though," he went on, hoping to lighten the mood a bit further after seeing Kate softening.
"How so?" Kate asked and for the first time her tone didn't sound defensive.
"Gina saw right through it. She said I was way too eager for her to believe I was really into her. She saw right through my fake-flirting." He glanced over at Kate, hoping she would believe him.
"Why was she at the loft?" Kate asked still wary, but at least she seemed to be willing to sort things out.
"A friend gave her the tip that the story would be in tomorrow's Ledger. Gina wanted to know if it was true and what we wanted to do about it. That's why Paula was there as well," Castle told her honestly.
"Wait, Paula was at the loft?"
"Yes," he nodded. "She was still in my office when you stormed out."
"Oh," Kate breathed, surprised, "And this will be in tomorrow's paper, it's not from today?"
Castle nodded.
"I see," Kate mumbled.
"Kate," Castle spoke soft, "there's nothing between me and Gina. She's not even my type."
"Isn't she?" Kate furrowed her eyebrows, "because you used to date a lot of women just like her."
"And?" Castle frowned.
"You seemed to have enjoyed yourself quite a lot back then, whenever I saw you in the tabloids and I just can't help but wonder if this will be enough for you," she vaguely gestured at herself, before she let her hands drop back into her lap, "You and Gina you seem to make so much more sense on paper," she swallowed.
"Kate," Castle sighed, "you know me. Do you really think I'm the guy you've seen in the tabloids?"
"No," she shook her head without hesitation. "But -," he cut her off.
"No buts. That's not who I am. Most of these dates were arranged by Paula and she thought that the blonde type would look good next to me on the red carpet," he stood up, the swing shaking violently behind him as he kept talking, "You have no idea how many times I've sneaked out of these events and headed home to watch Alexis sleep. It's part of the job, putting on a show for the press, for the book sales and I did enjoy myself from time to time, yes. But I would never trade it for what we have. I would never give up a single day with you, Jamie and Alexis for it, never."
She kept silent, clearly affected by his words and it was Castle who finally started talking again as he retrieved his seat next to her on the swings.
"Paula wants to prepare a statement, but I told her I had to discuss it with you first." He spoke softly.
Kate studied him, his eyes content and sincere on hers and she knew he had meant every word he said, "Okay," she finally breathed. "Okay."
Neither of them moved, the night falling around them and the air getting chillier with every passing minute.
"What now?" Kate finally asked, still a bit wary. Somewhere deep down she had known he wouldn't betray her but still, it had hurt to see him like this with another woman, a woman that was so different from her and she couldn't yet let go off those dark emotions that had been stirred inside her.
And then there were the pictures of them, pictures that by tomorrow would be seen by millions of New Yorkers and she didn't think she was ready for that.
"How about we go home, put the girls to bed and then we sit down and talk about what we want to do?" He suggested, not wanting to pressure her, but thinking they needed to get out of the cold.
"Who's with the girls?" Kate asked, knowing Castle wouldn't leave them on their own.
"Mother came over," he reassured her.
"What do you think we should do?" Kate asked after another moment of silence, changing the topic again while getting up from the swing, her bones stiff from sitting in the cold for too long. "About the article I mean."
"I think," he started slowly, "I think we should come clean. Paula could prepare a statement in which we confirm our relationship and my fatherhood to Jamie. Hopefully that will be boring enough for the press to drop the story," he said, while falling into step beside her.
"There's no way to stop this, right?" She looked at him, watching him shake his head.
"I wouldn't know how and Kate at one point we would have had to make it official anyway," he said, suddenly fearing there was much more at stake than he had thought so far.
"You're right, you're right," she shook her head, but she didn't seem to be convinced, "it's just a lot to take in."
"I know and I'm sorry," he said.
"I'm sorry too, I shouldn't have stormed out," she sighed. "I just saw Gina and - ,"she shook her head, "I don't know, it feels so natural to run away rather than to listen to an answer I might not be prepared to hear. It was just -," she left the sentence unfinished.
"Too much," he ended it for her.
"Yes," Kate nodded, "I would have come back tough. You know that, right? I would have come back if you hadn't found me first."
"I tried to call you," he said, because it still stung that she didn't answer and watched her lift her phone so he could see the display, which was pitch black.
"The battery died when I left your place," she shrugged, "I would have answered. I would have probably yelled at you, but I would have answered."
"Good," he grinned and watched her reach for his hand, her fingers circling around his, "Let's go home, Castle."
They walked back into the loft together, the living room once again deserted and dark as Castle called out for his mother.
The actress appeared on top of the stairs, a broad smile on her lips when she saw both of them and she hurried down to meet them.
"Alexis and Jamie are in bed," she informed while leading Kate and Castle over to the kitchen counter. "Jamie is fine, already fast asleep. I'm not even sure she noticed something was up but I think you need to talk to Alexis."
Castle who was already pushing off the counter at his mother's words, was stopped by her hand on his shoulder, "Not you," her eyes landed on the woman beside him, "Kate."
"Mother," he warned her, but Martha just ignored him.
"No," she shook her head, "this needs to be said." She stated firmly, determined to speak her mind.
"Now - this is not about who's wrong or right here. Both of you are experts when it comes to making things messy." Martha could see her son glaring at her, but she simply went on, "You two are the grown-ups in this household and it's not acceptable that my granddaughter has been crying in her room for the past two hours because you have a habit of running away when things seem to get complicated." Martha gave Kate a pointed look and the younger woman hung her head.
"I know you're young and I know you've been through more than anyone should have to at your age, or any age for that matter," Martha's tone gentled, "and I'm sure your mother would be very proud of the woman you've become, but my girl up there needs to know you're not leaving her. I know you love her and you have no idea how grateful I am that she has you in her life. But Alexis needs to know she can count on you no matter how things stand between you and Richard, because you're a part of this family now and you'll always be. So you better get up there and fix this."
To Castle's surprise Kate stepped into his mother's open arms, holding on tightly for a moment before she backed away and started for the stairs, "I'll go talk to her," she swallowed, whipping a tear from her cheek.
Castle's eyes followed her up the stairs, watching her disappear around the corner before they flew back to his mother.
"That was -," he stuttered.
"Nothing she didn't already know Kiddo," Martha patted his arm affectionately. "I just wanted to make sure that you two know I have an eye on you."
He sat down heavily on one of the barstools, a deep sigh escaping his lungs as he felt exhaustion hitting him, "Thank you," he said after a moment and then smiled up at his mother.
"You're a good man, Richard. A great son, the best father your daughters could ask for and Kate knows that. And while you sometimes might think you're only making tiny steps forward, you have to keep in mind for Kate they are giant leaps. Look how far you have come already. You two have something very special, just promise me you'll never give up on it."
Martha smiled at him and then found herself wrapped up in his strong arms.
"Thank you, Mother," he whispered into her ear, while hugging her tightly.
"Anytime Kiddo," Martha squeezed back, "I'll leave you two alone now. By the way, Gina and Paula called, Gina just wanted to know if you had found Kate, she will call you tomorrow," Martha stated, "and Paula wants you to call her ASAP, of course." She rolled her eyes, she never had liked her son's agent much.
"Okay," he nodded, with a grin before helping Martha into her coat and guiding her to the door.
Kate knocked on Alexis' door, poking her head around it to find the girl curled up in her bed.
"Can I come in?" She asked softly.
"Go away," Alexis sniffed and it was all it took for Kate to cross the room and sit down at the girl's side, totally ignoring her request.
"Alexis," she said, her hand gently tugging on the girl's shoulder.
"You're going to leave anyway just like Mommy," Kate heard her sob and it broke her heart.
"Alexis, I'm sorry," she whispered. "I left without thinking that it might worry you and that wasn't okay, but I got scared and when we get scared we sometimes do stupid things. I never meant to hurt you."
"You and Dad are fighting," Alexis mumbled, still turned away from Kate, "Mom and Dad were fighting too and then Mommy left and didn't come back."
Kate's fingers ran through the girl's hair as she slowly started to understand what her actions truly did to Alexis.
"Oh, Alexis," Kate sighed, a single tear falling down her face as she pulled Alexis into her lap and the girl threw her arms around Kate's neck, holding on tight.
"I love you Pumpkin, and I wish I could promise that your Dad and I will never fight and that we will always be together, but I can't do that. I can't make a promise I might not be able keep because no one can say where life will take us."
She felt Alexis' grip tighten.
"But you'll always be Jamie's sister, that is a bond no one can take from you and I promise I will always be there for you and I will always love you, no matter what. Can you understand that?"
She felt Alexis nod into her neck.
"Okay, good. But there's something else I need you to understand. I was scared and I left but I would have come back. I wasn't leaving you or Jamie or your dad, I just needed some time alone to clear my head to think straight again, but I would have come back. I will always come back."
She felt Alexis calm down in her arms, her grip losing a bit, "Why are you scared Kate?"
Kate huffed, leave it to the kid to ask the tough questions.
"You know how I told you about my mom?" She asked, repositioning Alexis in her lap so that they could look at each other.
The girl nodded, "Yes, she's gone too."
"Yeah," Kate smiled sadly, "and when I lost her I changed, you know? I wasn't the same person I was before she was gone and then my dad changed as well and everything fell apart."
"Was he mean?" Alexis asked and Kate held onto her a bit tighter.
"Yes, in some ways he was very mean," Kate tried to breathe against the lump in her throat, "he hurt me just like your mom hurt you by leaving and now I'm afraid to get hurt again and just like you I'm scared that people I love will leave me."
"I will never hurt you and Dad is never mean," Alexis told her and the dam broke. Kate let the tears fall freely, hugging Castle's daughter to her chest.
"I know Pumpkin," she whispered, "I know."
"Can you stay?" Alexis mumbled into Kate's chest after a while.
"Jamie and I are staying the night, yes," Kate managed to get out, while she tried to get her emotions back under control.
"No, I mean can you and Jamie stay every night, like a real family?" the girl asked, playing with Kate's curls. "I already wrote to Santa Claus and told him that all I want for Christmas is you and Jamie being here all the time."
Kate took a deep breath, "Well if anyone can grant a wish, it's Santa Claus, right?"
They held onto each other for a while longer until Kate could feel Alexis falling asleep against her. She gently lowered her down, pulling the covers up over her and kissed her on the forehead.
"Good night Alexis," she mumbled, before she switched off the night lamp and turned to find Castle standing in the doorway, watching her.
She was wrapped in his arms within seconds, breathing him in, glad he did come after her and made her listen, glad that they both had made it back here together without permanent damage.
"Go call Paula," she said after a while and he looked down at her confused, "Tell her what you think is the right thing to do."
"Are you sure?" Castle questioned.
"I trust you," she nodded with a smile. "I'll check on Jamie and then will meet you downstairs."
Kate found him in his office, still on the phone, his gaze intent on her when she entered the room.
"Okay, thanks Paula. I really appreciate it," he said, his eyes never leaving Kate's. "Yes she's here," he smiled. "I will. Goodnight Paula."
He hung up and Kate walked over to him, leaning against his desk, "What did Paula say?"
"She talked to the editor. They agreed to garble Jamie's and Alexis' faces in the pictures and they won't mention your name if they get the exclusives to the real story." He saw the slightly panicked expression on her face, "Don't worry, we won't be involved. I told Paula the key notes and she will put something together."
"Okay," she sighed, letting him pull her into his lap.
"It's gonna be alright," he reassured her. "In a week no one will talk about it anymore if someone cares at all. We will do the court appointment, get the custody thing settled and then we will enjoy Christmas."
His eyes beamed when he said the last part.
"You're very excited about that, huh?" Kate asked, her fingers playing with the first button on his shirt.
"Wait till you see my decorations," he smirked, but Kate was already kissing it right off his face.
They crawled into bed an hour later, Kate moving toward Castle the minute he joined her and he gladly pulled her close.
"I would never cheat on you, Kate," he suddenly said, pulling her back to reality when she had already been dozing off.
"I never thought you were cheating on me, Castle," she said pushing herself up a little so she could look at him, but Castle kept staring at the ceiling.
"Meredith did," he said quietly.
"What?" Kate gasped, her hand landing on his chest, where it started to draw soothing circles.
"I came home early one day and found her in our bed getting it on with her director," he kept going. "It's not like I was still in love with her, but it hurt to be treated like that, to have her throw our family away like this. I could never put someone else through that."
"I'm sorry Castle," Kate whispered, placing a kiss against his jaw, another against the corner of his mouth. "I'm so sorry."
"You know I always wanted this, a family and someone to share it with. But most women only want the fame and the money. Not the single dad who wants to go home to watch a Disney movie with his daughter rather than partying the night away. I've not been a saint but I always played fair and all along I hoped I would find someone like you, someone real, who was in it for me - not my money."
"And Meredith? How does she fit in?" Kate asked, stunned by this new side. Here she was thinking she was the only one with trust issues, only to realize that Castle was fighting his own demons.
"We were young and in love and suddenly she was pregnant and I just tried to do the right thing. We were happy for a while, until Meredith decided that our life together wasn't enough anymore. She stayed out all night, flew to L.A. for castings and stayed there for weeks. I realized pretty soon into our marriage we weren't meant to last but I wanted it to work, for Alexis. I wanted for her to grow up in a real family, the one I never had," Castle ended with a sigh, Kate's grip on him tightening.
They both kept staring at the ceiling for a while longer, before Castle huffed out a laugh.
"We are quite the team, huh?"
"Loaded with issues and baggage and doing stupid things on impulse you mean?" She asked, "I clearly win that competition."
He placed a kiss on top of her head, "How about we make a deal?"
"I'm listening." She pushed herself up on one elbow, staring down at him.
"I promise not to make impulsive plans and to think things through from now on – twice," he emphasized, "and you promise that when you get the feeling that everything gets too much, you take a deep breath, count to ten and if you still feel the need to get away, you tell me and I hold down the fort for as long as you need me to if you promise to come back and talk things out."
"Okay," she nodded after a moment, "deal."
"Oh and no more fake-flirting, of course," he added, receiving a major eye roll in return. "Too soon?"
She punched him in the side, but hooked her leg around his at the same time, "I hate this," she sighed against his neck, where she had settled her head.
"What?" He asked, his fingers dancing over the small of her back.
"Being such a mess," she mumbled.
"Hey, hey," he sounded alarmed, "You're not a mess. Don't say that, especially not because of what happened today. I screwed up first."
"Still, your mother is right. We are the adults and no matter what's going on between us -," she stopped. "I hurt Alexis, Castle."
"Well if her mother hadn't abandoned her, she wouldn't think the worst every time someone shuts the door behind them," he stated, sounding bitter. "But that's not your fault."
"But it's certainly not Alexis fault either," Kate sat up, watching Castle follow her movements as he did the same.
"Castle I don't want to mess this up and I've been thinking maybe I should talk to someone? Someone professional. I don't want my past to dominate my future, our future."
Castle nodded slowly, "You mean a therapist?"
Kate shrugged.
"Did you see one after your mother died?" Castle asked, suddenly curious.
"A couple of times, but when things went down with my dad, I stopped," she admitted.
"Did it help?"
"It was an outlet for all the anger," Kate said quietly.
"Kate, that's your decision to make, but whatever you decided I'm right here," he pulled her close and placed a kiss on top of her head. "I'll support you, no matter what."
"I never want to see that hurt look on Alexis' face again," Kate said in her way of an answer.
"God, I love you Kate," the words were rushing out of his mouth before he could stop them and then her lips were on his, leaving no more room for thoughts.
X~~~~X