A/N: Again, I'm not sure about this chapter but when am I ever sure about it? :P thanks, as always, to everyone who has read and reviewed so far!

Sarah x

Serena only realised how tightly she was gripping Jac, her fingers clutching at the pregnant surgeon's dark blue scrubs, when her knees felt weak with the effort it took to stand. She was crying so hard it rattled through her bones and ripped through her chest as all control – retained for over three decades – collapsed. She could feel Jac's arms tight around her in an embrace Serena hadn't realised she needed.

She was unable to feel like it might get better; in all these years it had never got better. It had only sunk deeper and deeper inside her until she could hide it from the vast majority of the world around her. She just hurt. Everything about her, her body, her heart and her mind, just hurt. "It'll be OK," Jac whispered yet again. "It's alright."

"It's not," Serena choked out. They were the first words she had managed to force out since Jac had asked her why she had held her silence so long. "I'm not OK, Jac," she confessed. "I've never been OK. Not since I was a little girl."

She could feel Jac guide her to the sofa, sitting her gently down. "Then find that little girl who was happy," Jac suggested. "I know she's in there."

"I have searched. And searched. And searched," Serena said, her words broken by sobs she tried her best to hold in. "I can't find her." Jac sighed and her hand fell on Serena's leg. "I don't know what to do, Jac."

For a few minutes they sat in silence, and Serena tried to remember what freedom was. She didn't even know if it was something she had ever known. Even before her world had fallen around her, the broken pieces at her feet in flames, she had not been free. She had still watched insanity and violence and attempts at suicide and maybe even murder, and she was only a little girl who didn't understand why her dad's actions and persona were so volatile.

She managed to stop herself crying for the time being, though it hurt her chest and her heart to do so. She just wanted the let everything, every horror story she had ever lived and created, flow out at will, but her need to appear in control prevented it. It caused her to force some steadiness over her breathing and make the tears she wiped away the last she would cry – for now. What she would do when she got home and had to sit in an empty house, finally completely alone, was another matter. And if she was honest, she didn't quite trust herself.

Serena looked at Jac, who seemed slightly lost as to how to help her. "I'm going to get you some hot chocolate," she decided. "Makes everything feel better. Believe me." Jac got to her feet and quietly left Serena alone where she was only with her thoughts and her ghosts. She couldn't feel anything but her heart breaking apart inside her.

The door opened again and in walked the one person who knew how to derail her: Edward Campbell. "Please don't, Edward," she pleaded quietly with him, but still he sat down next to her. "I can't handle any crap from you right now."

More to the point, she didn't think she had the strength to resist Edward's charm and the comfort she had always been able to find in him. "I don't intend on giving you any crap," he replied gently. His hand reached out and rested on her face. "Is there anything I can do?" he asked her. His fingers traced under her eye, across her cheekbone.

Serena shook her head slightly. "Not unless you can send me back in time."

"I can't do that," he admitted. "Why are you being like this? What's hurting you?" Unable to discuss it again she only shook her head, hoping he would understand she couldn't make herself relive it again. She knew he would get it out of someone eventually anyway. "Is it really that painful?"

"Yes," Serena whispered. "You've got to understand me here, Edward. It hurts so much to even think about what happened, and it's taken me over thirty years to start dealing with it." She stood up and started pacing around. "I can't say it all again. I haven't got it in me. But know that every time I laid a hand on you, Edward, it wasn't to hurt you. It was because I am so screwed up that I thought you were going to hurt me. I know I sometimes hurt you, and I am so sorry for that."

He stood up and faced her. "You pushed me out, Serena. I didn't want to give up on us, but I didn't know what else to do. You were driving me to distraction," he explained. "I didn't know what demons you had in you, and neither you nor your mum were telling me a thing. So I threw it all away with women and drink and tried to forget I was throwing anything I had with you away as well." She took a step closer to him. "You don't need to tell me."

"Maybe one day I'll explain it all, and everything will make sense," she said. "But not today. I've been through too much today."

He nodded, and for a moment she saw the kind man she had married, the one who loved her enough to stick by her. But he had lost his faith and ran from her, something she still struggled to forgive him for, even though she knew she was sometimes difficult to love. "Is there anything I can do?" he asked her softly.

Her sense left her and she felt the desire to have him love her again, just to remember what to be loved felt like. She walked away and leaned against the wall, staring him down as she tried to resist that impulse. But she was too weak, and she just wanted love and comfort and all her demons had starved her of as they isolated her. He stepped towards her and stared into her eyes, and she felt him searching her for answers and assurances her barriers would not let free.

"Yes."

"What?"

"Kiss me," she whispered.

She was surprised when he nodded and leaned in, catching her lips in hers; she kissed back with passion and guilt, knowing that to go back was not to go forward but to go back to a time when Edward loved her was a comfort if not entirely wise. She kissed him roughly and without thought as he pinned her back into the wall with the weight of his body. A low moan escaped her as his hand fell onto the side of her neck, the other sitting on her waist, on the band of her trousers.

It was only a distraction, and she knew it, but it was an effective way out of the world she was trapped in. Her breathing quickly became ragged as she allowed the last of her control to seep away into Edward's hands; she didn't want to be in control of herself anymore. She didn't want to be responsible for her own agony anymore. She wanted to pass that control to someone else; at that moment she really didn't care if he abused it. All that mattered was that it wasn't hers.

As the last of her self-discipline was lost she felt silent tears fall down her face while Edward kissed her as harshly as he kissed her.

"Hey!" a voice from next to them half-shouted. "Get off her!" Serena looked around to see Jac with two mugs of hot chocolate and Jonny's packet of chocolate chip cookies. "Edward, get away from her!" she repeated. She put the mugs and biscuits down on Elliot's desk.

"It's not what you think," Edward tried to defend himself.

"It's exactly what it looks like. She's crying and you're kissing her. I won't have you taking advantage when she's vulnerable," Jac asserted. "Out." He remained where he stood and Serena could only hold her silence, for in her heart of hearts, she knew Jac was speaking sense. "Out!"

Edward sighed and held up his hands, leaving the women alone.

"What were you thinking, Serena? You know he's a bad idea, don't you?" Jac ranted.

"Oh, I know," Serena sighed. Now she just felt like a complete moron; why had she asked Edward to kiss her? Jac was right. Serena knew and contended that Edward was her biggest mistake in her adult life. Maybe that wasn't quite true, as she was quickly discovering, but he definitely was not something her mind wanted to try again.

Jac handed Serena a mug and sat down. "I'm not just poking my nose in, Serena," Jac informed her gently. "I'm just trying to make sure you don't hurt yourself anymore." Serena sighed and went to sit next to Jac. She was right, of course. It was clear the redhead was defending her from her own heart and stupidity. She knew herself that, when the pain built up and started to drown her, she became stupid. She became reckless. She did things she would never have done if she actually thought about what she was doing with some rationality – like kissing Edward.

"Thank you," Serena murmured. "If only I had someone like you when I was a young, foolish woman," she admitted. She remembered the length she had gone to in order to temporarily numb the pain. Drinking, shopping, eating...anything she had enjoyed in moderation she had abused until she realised even that did not help her. "Maybe I wouldn't have married Edward."

"Then you wouldn't have your daughter," Jac pointed out.

"True," Serena allowed, taking cream and marshmallows off the top of her hot chocolate with a teaspoon. She hadn't expected to find a friend in Jac; she hadn't even expected Jac to take an interest at all. But here she was, trying to pick Serena up off the floor when nobody else knew how to. Except perhaps Edward, but they had already established what a bad idea that was. "I was a complete mess when I was younger. If that madness hadn't clouded my judgement, my life might have panned out very differently."

"There's no use in backtracking around corners you've already turned," Jac warned her. A knock at the door made Serena start slightly, almost spilling her drink over herself. "Come in," called Jac. In walked Edward, followed closely by Ric. "I thought I told you to beat it," she shot at Edward, the hostility in her tone surprising Serena as much as it did Ric, if the look on his face was anything to go by.

"Daggers away, Jac," Ric ordered her. His dark eyes fell on Serena, and she was startled to see an apology and condolences in his gaze. She didn't like the softness in his eyes, because it never meant good news when Ric Griffin showed her compassion and friendship. It usually meant there was a reason that she would need those things from him, and she rarely needed anything from Ric except respect and professional comradeship.

"What's happened?" Serena asked; she didn't think she could take another blow today. Another hard knock was something she thought might break her for good if she had to take it when she was already feeling so weak. Ric didn't say anything, so she turned on her ex-husband. "Edward?"

Edward opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out, much to Serena's annoyance and frustration. He always knew how to wind her up. She would have given him a slap to put his brain in gear with his mouth, but she already felt guilty for the cuts and bruises she had inflicted on him during her outburst earlier. She looked again to Ric, who looked like he was actually scared to tell Serena what was going on.

"Will someone just spit it out already?" she persisted at them. Men. Why did they always seem so frightened of speaking to her? What was the worst she could do?

"Serena," Ric began, but he had to look to Edward for help. But, of course, Edward Campbell had no spine and only looked helpless himself.

"What's happened?" she asked again. "Ric?"

Hope this is alright!
Please feel free to drop me a review and tell me what you think!
Sarah x