I left out in a cloud of tail lights and dust
Swore I wasn't comin' back
Said I'd had enough
Shawn huffed angrily, his hands balled into fists at his side. His head lulled forward, ducking out of the way of the lamp that had flown toward it. It was their fifth fight this week. Sometimes he wondered why he ever agreed to move in with her, why he ever thought it to be a good idea.
"Just stop already!" He stamped his foot, and realized that he not only sounded, but probably looked like a girl when he did that, but damn it he was sick of the constant bickering.
"Shawn, this-" she paused, gesturing to the disastrous living room, "it's all your fault. If you'd just-"
Shawn's face turned and unnatural shade of purple, and realized that he probably resembled his father. "If I'd only what, Juliet?" His eyebrow cocked, challenging her to say the words.
"Fine-" her arms crossed her chest, an almost permanent frown on her lips. "If you weren't you, Shawn. Just sometimes. My god, it's like I'm living with a four year old sometimes. You never clean up after yourself. Hell, half the time you make a bigger mess than most four year old's would make. It's embarrassing, Shawn!"
Having backed himself against the nearest wall during her rant, Shawn let himself slide halfway down. His eyes screwed in an almost painful way. In all the times that Shawn had pretended to be hurt, this time he actually was. He loved Juliet, there was no denying that, Shawn Spencer didn't ask just anyone to move in with him. However, having her pick him apart like that, exposing his weaknesses like that. It hurt him badly. Fighting against the hot tears, Shawn eyed her carefully. Popping back up to his feet, he started to pace.
"Well, if you feel so strongly, Juliet-" he spat her name out like it was acid in his mouth. If she wanted to hurt him, then she'd hurt him right back. Shawn had always been more the get even type. "Maybe I should just walk right out that door. I mean we obviously can't co-habituate-"
Juliet's hand reached out. "Wait, Shawn. We've had arguments before, let's not doing something rash."
Shawn shook his head, he really was sick of all the fighting. He was over the sadness that never left her eyes. The ocean blue brightness of them had disappeared months ago, and he really was over the whole hurting her part of his anger. He just wanted her to be happy. Hell, he just wanted them both to be happy again. If that meant that their relationship end, even just for a little while, well then so be it.
"No, Juliet. It's not rash. It's been seven months in the making-" He sighed, running a hand over the scratchy stubble that covered the bottom third of his face. They both knew the real reasons for their relationship falling apart, and it wasn't his messiness or childish ways. "Don't make me say it."
Juliet stood, that stubborn look on her face, and he knew that she was going to push him there. She was going to make him hurt her. "Say it, Shawn. Go ahead and tell me why it's been seven months in the making." Her body shook from the tears that threatened to fall. Juliet knew it was wrong, to force him to this point, but after all this time of blaming him, she couldn't just stop like that.
One Year Earlier
Shawn sauntered into the station, his eyes trained on his favorite detective. Her blond hair, flowing just past her shoulders, and her eyes were bluer than the ocean today. A smile crept onto his lips.
"Hey, sweetie." He bent forward, placing a kiss to the top of her head, before walking around her desk and plopping his body into the extra chair sitting to the right of her desk.
"Hi, Shawn." The purple markings under her eyes showed how tired she was. Her mouth opened to say something else, but Shawn placed a hand on her arm.
"Jules, you need sleep. Why didn't you just call and talk to the chief. I'm sure she would understand." His free hand played with the velvet box in his pocket it.
"Shawn, she would understand, but I'm not ready to tell anyone yet." Her eye brow cocked slightly. She could see the hurt in Shawn's eyes.
"No, your right." A frown formed on his lips, "but I pretty sure people are going to find out, when your head is shoved in a toilet for six hours out of a day. I mean, it's like you have part-time job on the side. A really awful one, that involves throwing up. It's-"
"Shawn-" She sighed, her arm clutching her stomach gently. Her eyes closed, a pained expression on her face. "I really don't want to throw up again." Letting her head lull forward to lay on her cool desktop, she kept her eyes closed.
Shawn placed a hand on her back, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles on her back. His eyes grew large as Lassiter started to pass by. "Spencer, what did you do to my partner." Shawn started to sweat. Of course Lassiter would blame Shawn for this.
"I... uh..." Juliet patted his knee, before raising her head.
"He didn't do anything, Carlton. I'm just feeling a little ill, is all."
Lassiter side-stepped her desk, "Ah, well take care of yourself, O'Hara-" He paused, a look of distaste on his face. "Spencer." And he was gone.
Saw you in the rearview standin'
Fadin' from my life
But I wasn't turnin' round
No not this time
Juliet sighed, her hands placed firmly on her hips. Her lips puckered out as her forehead creased slightly. Shawn's mind fluttered back to the present, and took in her appearance. Instantly he knew, she wasn't angry anymore, but was trying to hide the hurt.
Knowing he couldn't say the words that would crush her, Shawn turned on his heel and walked down the hallway. He paused at the second door on the left. It was closed, as it always was. Shawn could feel the cracks in his heart separate just a little more. Forcing his eyes closed, Shawn sighed, forcing himself to move forward.
Once he reached his destination, their shared bedroom, he waltzed over to the closet and yanked his suitcase from it. The only way to make them both happy, if only for now, would be if one of them left. Shawn knew that Juliet wouldn't do it, couldn't. So he would. If he'd have to, he'd stay at his dads for the time being.
Yanking back on the zipper, Shawn opened the suitcase, and started haphazardly tossing stuff inside it. Once it was full, he closed the top of it and leaned his full weight down to zip it close. Sighing, and brushing a stray tear away, he grabbed the handle and pulled the suitcase behind him.
Juliet's eyes widen at the sight of his suitcase. She had known that he was going to leave. However, she assumed it would be his usual overnight bag, and that he'd bound right back into the house the very next day. Juliet didn't expect him to pack a suitcase. That wasn't what she wanted. No. What she wanted—needed was for him to finally place the blame of their relationship woes where they needed to be placed.
"Shawn..." Her voice quivered, as tears threatened to fall. She watched as he swallowed hard. Shawn's eyes glassy from unshed tears.
"It's for the best-" Shawn met Juliet's eyes for the first time since he had came back from the bedroom. "I'll always love you, Jules." With that, he leaned forward, and placed a kiss on her cheek. "Never forget that." He reached around her to grab his jacket and the keys to his car.
Shawn walked slowly toward his older model Mustang, the car he had got when he traded in his Norton. He reached the trunk and opened it with relative ease to place his suitcase inside. Unwilling to look back, knowing she'd be standing there watching him. Shawn walked forward, stood beside the driver side door for a moment. He wondered briefly if he was making a mistake, but quickly shook the thought off, unlocked the door and slid inside.
After starting the car and buckling himself in, he rearranged the mirror. All he could see was Juliet, one arm clutched around her midsection as her body spasmed almost painfully, her blue eyes swarming with tears, as her other arm hung loosely at her side.
Swallowing around a lump in his throat, Shawn started the car and threw it into drive. He took off down their driveway, unwilling to look back at her again. He couldn't put himself through that pain again.
Six Months Earlier
Juliet whined, her feet propped up on the table, her stomach much larger than it should be at only four months pregnant. Shawn swarmed around her, making sure she was as comfortable as she could be. After their scare two days earlier, he wasn't about to take any precautions.
So she fainted. No big deal, right? Wrong. Apparently she was showing early signs of preeclampsia, which caused her blood pressure to sky rocket. Her doctor put her on a strict bed-rest policy, but damned if after two days she wasn't losing her mind.
"Shawn, can't we at least go for a walk?" The whine in her tone made his eyebrow quirk. Shawn knew that the whine was about to take a turn with her mood, and he knew what happened when her mood turned. However, the doctor had said strict bed-rest for at least two weeks. If her blood pressure leveled out by the next two doctor appointments, then she would be taken off of bed-rest.
"I'm sorry, Jules." Shawn flashed her a puppy dog look so cute that most anyone would melt, however Juliet felt like she was slowly going insane sitting on the couch having everything handed to her. Hell, Shawn didn't even let her go to the bathroom alone. Because, apparently using the bathroom is just too stressful to handle alone.
"Fine, Shawn. Can you at least turn something on that isn't-" she paused, trying to figure out what exactly was on the television.
"It's classical music, Jules. It's highly recommended for development."
Juliet fixed Shawn with a glare that immediately had him reciting the if looks could kill saying in his head. Sighing, he threw up his hands in surrender.
"Okay, what you do you want to watch."
A smile crossed her lips. "Something with you, come sit with me." She patted the seat next to her.
Bounding over, Shawn sat next to her, and sighed contently as she snuggled into his side. "How about an 80's movie marathon?" His eyebrow quirked slightly. Juliet
simply nodded her head in agreement.
But don't think I don't think about it
Don't think I don't have regrets
Don't think it don't get to me
Between the work and the hurt and the whiskey
Two months. Two agonizingly long months of sitting at his dad's house, praying that all of this would blow over. He left, it was true, but he did it because it was what Juliet needed. Shawn had always kept the thought in the back of his mind that after a few days or a week that she'd come find him. That she'd apologize, he'd apologize, and everything would get better. However, at the one month anniversary of their breakup, Shawn found it more than he could handle.
He broke into his father's liquor cabinet, I mean who kept a liquor cabinet locked anyway, and found the biggest bottle of whiskey he could. Shawn had sat down at the kitchen table, stared a hole through the bottle. Then he promised himself that he wasn't leaving the table until the bottle was gone, or until he had to throw up.
What Shawn hadn't factored in was the fact that he hadn't drank hardly an ounce of alcohol in nearly a year. The day he found out Juliet was pregnant, they both decided to stop drinking. Though, Juliet's idea of drinking included a glass of wine and a good movie, while Shawn's idea was only slightly different.
By the time a third of the bottle was gone, he found himself stumbling toward the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet to empty the contents of his stomach. That's where he said for the remainder of the night, his head propped against the toilet.
That was a month ago today.
Shawn hastily grabbed the remote, turned off the television and stood up. He was going to be late for work. Though they no longer took cases from the SBPD, Shawn and Gus did take cases from the casual walk ins. Even though they were few and far between. Gus had practically been begging Shawn for the past few days to take one case from the chief. He didn't care if it was the easiest case on the planet, so long as they got paid. Surely the chief had something they could do that wouldn't involve Shawn having to see Juliet.
Everyday, little by little the guilt and the wondering eat away at Shawn. The day he walked away, he was so sure that was what she needed. Hell, he was sure it was what they both needed, but now he isn't quite sure why it was what they needed. Shawn knew he felt like hell, and probably looked worse than he felt. So he wondered how Juliet was doing, how she felt. Then again, two months with no contact whatsoever told him how she felt.
Sighing, Shawn threw on his leather jacket and grabbed the keys for his bike. No need for the car anymore, so he traded it for another motorcycle. Not quite as sleek and lovely as his Norton, but it would do.
Five Months Earlier
Shawn ran into the hospital, tears flushed against his eyes as he located the information desk. Sliding to a stop, and changing his direction, Shawn squeaked to a stop just in front of the desk. The woman sitting behind it was about his father's age. Her hair was graying at the edges, and the wrinkles at the corner of her eyes were the only things that really gave her age away.
"Juliet O'Hara-" it was all he could force out. He had heard what Lassiter had said, but he couldn't believe it. Not until he saw her.
"Third floor, room 343." The woman nodded her head toward the elevators.
Nodding his head in thanks, Shawn took off toward the elevators, sliding to a stop just before he crashed into them. He had known better than to go out of town, and leave Juliet alone. She was having early complications as it was. Though she had practically screamed at him when he relentlessly said he wasn't going to go. Who cared about a group of friends he hadn't seen in years, they didn't matter. Juliet mattered, and now she was laying in a hospital bed.
Tapping his foot impatiently, Shawn waited a few more seconds for the elevator to make it's final descent. Finally with a jarring clank sound, the elevator settled into it's spot, and it's doors creaked open. Ignoring the people trying to get out, Shawn squeezed himself past and jumped onto the elevators. Watching as the remaining annoyed passengers got off, he hit the button for the third floor, and waited impatiently as the elevator slowly trudged up the floors one by one, before clanking to a stop at the third. Letting the doors open just enough for his body to squeeze through, Shawn darted out and ran down the hall only to slide to a stop just in front of Juliet's room.
Taking a moment to compose himself, Shawn pushed the door open and saw her laying on the bed. Her closed eyes were puffy, and he assumed them to be red as well. Walking slowly inside, he felt something inside himself break, as realization hit him and Lassiter's words came back into the front of his mind. 'She fainted, Shawn. There was nothing I could do. She fell down the stairs.'
Shawn's head jerked up, when he heard the blankets that covered Juliet's body rustle. Hazel eyes met blue eyes, and tears welled up in both.
"I'm so sorry, Shawn." it was a low whimper.
Shawn let one hand covers hers, while the other caressed her cheek. "Shush. It's okay. You need to sleep-"
"Our baby is dead, Shawn." The words were like knives into his heart, and seeing Juliet break like that nearly sent him over the edge. No way, would him breaking down fix this situation at all.
"There was nothing you could do-"
Her eyes snapped back to his, and he saw a hatred in them unlike anything he'd ever seen. Though he could tell right away that the hatred wasn't for him, but it was for herself. "I could have listened, but no. I was bored, and you left-"
Shawn held up a hand, he couldn't hear this. He wouldn't let her blame herself. Not while she was in this weakened state. No until she was better, until she healed, Shawn would let her blame him. "I shouldn't have left. This is my fault."
When we make choices we gotta live with them
Heard ya found a real good man and ya married him
I wonder sometimes if I cross your mind
Where would we be today
If I never drove that car away
Shawn's hand shook as he strutted his way into the station. It was the first time he actually walked into this place in nearly a year. A full year without one shred of communication with Juliet. The fact of the matter was, he didn't think he could stand to see her. Hell, he heard from Gus that she had been seeing someone else. Even worse, was his randomly running into Lassiter who painfully explained that Juliet had recently gotten married.
A pain shot through his heart at the memory, and the fact of the matter was that Gus had been hiding something from him lately. Shawn wasn't an idiot, he knew when his best friend was hiding something, and the last time Gus had tried so hard to hide something from him, Juliet had gotten married. So that was why he was fighting against every screaming fiber of his being, to walk into a building that he never really wanted to step into again.
He could see her from where he stood, and she was smiling. Laughing lightly at the man standing beside her, her wedding band glinting in the light. He felt sick. The engagement ring that he had given to her, the one she removed after their child had died. She had promised to put the ring back on, when she felt she deserved it.
Shawn was angry, sad, depressed, and desperately wanted to hit something. Fighting against the strong urge to turn around and leave before he could be seen, he forced himself forward.
"Shawn!" He knew the voice if only because of how chipper it was.
Forcing a smile to his lips, Shawn turned, "Hey Nabby!" He patted a man that had once been a good friend on the back. Quickly, he noticed that McNabb wasn't wearing his usual uniform. "Where's the uniform- are you off today?" Shawn's eyebrow quirked, looking at Juliet from the corner of his eye, noting that she hadn't noticed the disruption.
"Naw, Shawn. I'm a detective now. Well, junior detective, but still. Cool, right?" Even though Shawn felt like his life was slowly spinning out of control, he couldn't stop the genuine smile that crossed his lips. He was happy for McNabb.
"That's great, Nabby!" He patted Buzz on the shoulder, and then took off.
He couldn't not see her now, not after watching her from afar for this long. He might have lost her, but Shawn hoped that at least a part of her missed him. Walking slowly, he came to a stop in front of her desk. The man she was entertaining looked his way first, followed by a low gasp. Their eyes met, and the fireworks that had been there from the start flamed immediately.
"Hey, Jules. Long time now see. How are things?" Shawn was quite uncertain how he got through that without his voice breaking, but he was glad for it nevertheless.
"I'm good, Shawn-" He couldn't say the same for Juliet. Her eyes were swimming with unshed tears. "Gary, can you give us a minute."
Shawn watched in stunned silence as Gary leaned down and placed a kiss on her lips before disappearing. When he regained control, Shawn saw that she was staring at him. Yanking a chair that lined the wall behind him, he pulled it up so he could sit down. Making himself comfortable was his only excuse to delay communication, but that wouldn't last.
"You know..." It was merely a statement.
Sighing, and running a shaky hand over his face, he nodded. "I ran into Lassipoo."
"Shawn-"
He held up a hand. It felt like deja-vu. "I just need to know one thing, Juliet. Do you ever think about me?"
Juliet's eyes fell to her desk, as her fingers rolled a pen around. Finally, without looking back up she whispered. "Yes."
Shawn let out a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding. "Okay, then-" He paused, ready to congratulate her on her marriage when he noticed the bulging of her stomach. His heart dropped, and tears pressed against his eyes. He took several deep breaths. "Wow. Uh, congratulations, Jules."
He stood, he couldn't take it any longer. It was suddenly hard to breath. Shawn walked out of the station for the very last time.