Chapter Fifteen - Rebuilding
Liv sat outside Huang's office and waited. He was dealing with another agent. She was early. She was trying to find closure. She was trying to find…herself. She was still thinking when Huang opened the door to his office.
"Liv, you ready?" he asked.
"I guess."
"What do you want to talk about today?" he asked, as they both sat down.
"I thought you were supposed to be leading these conversations," Liv answered.
"I can, but that isn't going to help you process. How are you feeling? I was told that the doctor released you today. Does that make you feel better?"
"I guess."
"Olivia, do you want to go back to work?"
"I don't know."
"Why?"
"I don't feel right. I feel like something is wrong with me. I want to hurt D. J. and Robin. I want to hurt them because of what they did to Frankie and Xander," Liv answered.
"That is a normal response. Are you planning on acting on those feelings? Do you want to kill them?" Huang questioned.
"I want to. So bad. But, then there is something that is telling me not to. There is a little voice telling me to go back to New York and back to SVU. But, I want to go back to Atlanta, get my bike and just cruise."
"Is that urge strong?"
"To run away and never look back? Yeah, and it infuriates me. I don't want to run. I have finally gotten everything I want. I have Alex. I have Xander. But, somehow I don't feel like it is enough. I left to find myself and I think that I lost myself," Liv answered.
"To who?"
"Julie."
"She is a part of you. You made her up. She is you to a degree. Julie is you. Olivia, you need to find a way to make Julie and Olivia coexist. Julie is a part of your psyche. Trying to suppress that part of your personality and your life is only going to cause more problems for you."
"I know that."
"But, you don't want to be her anymore, do you?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because when I'm her, I don't have Alex."
"You love Alex. Alex loves you. If she didn't, she wouldn't have come for you. Hasn't she agreed to be there for you no matter what?"
"Yes, but?"
"Why do you think that you don't deserve her?" Huang asked.
"Because I don't. I never have. I am soiled."
"How so?"
"From birth, I always have been. She knows that. I have done things that I can't undo. I don't understand how she can just come in here, tell me she loves me, and then stay. It doesn't make sense. Nothing is making sense to me right now."
"You're confused about what is going on?"
"I don't understand why the FBI decided to get State involved with my legal work. I don't understand why they are supporting me about Xander. I would think that they would want to sweep it under the rug and put him in foster care. Why me? Why are they helping me?"
"Normally, I would agree with you. Liv, you did what you were supposed to do in a very strange situation. You escalated the paperwork. It was reviewed. It was legally sound. The FBI can't stand in the way. It would come out that you were Julie Seabrook while undercover. It made more sense to them to hide the child with you, like a child would be hidden in Wit Sec. You are the prime candidate to protect him. You love him. You almost died for him. The FBI knows that you aren't going to let anything happen to him."
"But, why?"
"He is evidence."
Liv laughed. She stared at him, knowing he was right. Xander was potentially evidence in the case. His DNA was linked to the case. If someone had raped Frankie, then Xander was the proof. Olivia's brain worked overtime trying to remember the day that Frankie told her she was pregnant. Did Frankie try to tell her something? Was there something she missed?
"Olivia?" Frankie called out, as she entered the apartment.
"I'm back here. What's going on, Baby? You've been gone a long time. I was beginning to get worried," Olivia called back.
Frankie found her in the kitchen. She was smiling as she was preparing something on the stove. Frankie thought it smelled wonderful. She could only wonder what delight that Olivia was making. There was just something about the woman that took Frankie's breath away.
"What's wrong, Babe?" Olivia asked, coming around the counter to kiss the blond on the forehead. "Something happen at work? You wanna talk about it?"
"I do need to tell you something. It's kinda important. Can that wait?" Frankie asked, pointing at the pots on the stove. "It might take a minute and I don't want to ruin dinner."
"Yeah, I can turn it down. It can simmer for a while. What's wrong?" she questioned as she turned down the knobs on the stove.
"I wasn't at work."
"Did you go to the bar?" Liv asked, getting worried about the cover operation.
"No, I went to the doctor. I didn't feel well earlier. I just wanted to make sure."
"Make sure of what?" Liv asked, taking a seat next to Frankie at their kitchen table.
She grabbed Frankie's hand and held it. Frankie looked scared. There was just something in her eyes and it was bothering Olivia. She tried to make Frankie feel at ease. Olivia was trying to comfort her.
"Just tell me what's wrong, Frankie?"
"Well, I haven't felt well for a while. And, I was late. I went by the doctor. I needed to know. I had to know if it was true. I don't know what I want to do yet, but I needed to know."
"Frankie, tell me."
"Julie, I'm pregnant."
Olivia was stunned. That was not was she was preparing to hear. A thousand thoughts ran through her head, but being pregnant wasn't even on the radar. She squeezed Frankie's hand and smiled. She was trying to be supportive, but she didn't know what to say.
"Julie, say something," Frankie told her.
"I don't know what to say. I'm happy for you if you're happy about this. I'm glad you told me. I'll be here for you, either way," Liv told her.
"I don't know what to think."
"Did you want this?" Liv asked her, the detective in her coming to the surface.
"I don't know. It wasn't something I sought out. It just kinda happened."
"What does that mean? Did someone hurt you? Was it someone in the gang?"
"That's just it, Julie, I don't know who the father is."
"Are you sure?" Liv questioned.
"Look, I don't want to upset you, but I was with guys before you. Robin and I weren't exactly exclusive. I wasn't a very good girlfriend to her. I wasn't exactly good about keeping track of what I was doing. The gang is a great group of people. They've taken care of me, in more ways than one. I owe them, Julie. I know you don't like that, but it is true," Frankie answered.
"I know that. I owe them for you, Babe, but if one of them is father…"
"It won't matter. They won't know who it was either. Besides, I am not going to tell them, yet."
"When then?" Liv questioned.
"When I have to. I don't want D. J. to get mad. I know how he can get. I don't know that I can see a doctor here. I may have to go out of town."
"I'll take you then. I don't want D. J. doing anything to harm you or the baby. And, I certainly don't want Robin involved if we don't have to. She can be vicious," Liv replied.
"I know. I dated her, remember? Neither one of them is going to take it well. It means that I won't be able to make deliveries anymore. They'll have to find someone else. They might even ask you to do it. Robin likes you, more than I would like, but she does," Frankie stated.
"Well, you don't have to worry about me, Frankie. I'm a one woman gal. Besides, Robin doesn't have what I want," Olivia told her.
"Oh, yeah, and what is that?"
"You," Liv answered.
"Liv? Olivia? Where were you just, now?" Huang asked, pulling her back to the present.
"Back in Atlanta. I was back in Atlanta in the apartment that Frankie had. It was the day she told me she was pregnant. She told me so much in that conversation even though it was short. She gave me a lot of information. I don't think she did consciously, but she did it. She thought she could trust me. I let her down. I am the reason that she is dead," Liv answered.
"You aren't the reason she is dead. You did try to protect her, but there isn't much you can do hanging across the warehouse with a broken arm and a dislocated shoulder. You took the beatings so she didn't have to, Liv. You saved her. No one could have known that she would have complications during birth. You couldn't help her then. You can help her now. You can help Xander grow up, big and strong. You are his mother, now. YOU are the one that is going to give him the better life that I am sure you and Frankie wanted for him."
"We did. I do. I am scared."
"It's okay to be scared, Liv. No one is going to blame you. Having a child is a scary thing, because you know that you have someone else's well-being to take care of besides your own. I know that you are afraid that you'll mess up. Every mother feels that way. And, you may make mistakes, but you have people around you that are willing to help you. All you have to do is ask. I know that you don't want to ask for help. I know you don't want to be here, but I think that you'll find that it is helping you readjust," Huang told her.
"Thanks, Doc."
"Olivia, I'm being serious. Alex and Dana are worried about you. Alex called Abbie to help because she thought that Abbie could help you, too. Everyone is just trying to help."
"I didn't ask for it."
"Sometimes you don't need to ask for others to know that you are hurting."
"I never said I was."
"Olivia, this is me you're talking to. I know you. I also know when Julie surfaces. You were alone on the op. There was no one there to talk to when you got upset or frustrated with how things were moving. Russell was your cover brother. You could talk to him about the case and stuff pertaining to it, but you never did on an emotional level. I don't think you connected with him like he did with you. I'm sure that he tried to be there for you."
"He did."
"But, there was something that made you keep your guard up?" Huang half stated, half asked.
"Yeah, he reminded me of Elliot and everything I wasn't. He reminded me that I didn't come from a great family, but I had to pretend at something I didn't understand. He reminded me of everything that I left because I had gotten too emotional to work. He reminded me of regrets that I had with Elliot, Alex and even Cragen. I think that is why I moved in with Frankie as soon as she asked. I couldn't be in that house with him. It felt too much like a lie, a lie I couldn't tell myself much less convince someone else that it was true. He was just too good to me."
"Is that the only reason that you bonded with Frankie?"
"I don't know."
"You had a relationship with her, Olivia. You were with her for about six months. There has to be a reason. You said once that she reminded you of Alex. Do you think that you were attracted to her because she was a substitute for Alex?"
Liv stared at him angrily. She had never thought of it that way. There was something about Frankie that reminded her of Alex, but she wasn't Alex. They were different, but the same.
"She wasn't Alex."
"I know that, Liv. Do you think that you were attracted to her because of your attraction to Alex, though? I know that might be hard for you to admit, but is it a possibility?"
"I don't know, besides the fact that they are both blond."
"We need to explore your feelings for Frankie, Liv. I know that you don't want to do, but we need to so you can move forward. There had to be something that drove you to Frankie. Describe her to me. Tell me what you like about her," Huang suggested.
"She was innocent. She was sweet. She held me at night when the nightmares came and kept them at bay other nights. She wasn't frightened of me."
"She wasn't frightened of you?"
"Yeah, she talked to me. She came to me. She initiated the connection. I don't go looking for anyone or anything. She wasn't scared off by my butch look. She was actually attracted to it. It was nice for a change, for someone to want me for me," Liv answered.
"But, you were Julie," Huang replied.
"I know. Don't remind me about that. That makes things even more trivial in my head."
"Why is it so trivial? What is it about Julie that you want to forget? Did something happen?"
"Nothing that you don't already know about," Liv replied.
"Try me," Huang responded.
"Well, you already know that Frankie died. There isn't much more to tell. You've already figured out that I had feelings for Frankie. I loved her in my own way. There I said it. Does that make you happy, Huang? Does it?"
"I am just trying to make you feel better about the situation. I am here to help you move on and forward, Olivia. You were traumatized by your ordeal. I am here to help you with that. It doesn't matter if I am happy. I only want you to be happy," Huang answered.
"I can never be happy."
"Why is that?"
"Because I let her die."
"Frankie? You still blame yourself for Frankie's death. Is that why you are so distant? Olivia, you can't blame yourself for someone else's actions. You know that. How many times have you told a victim it isn't their fault. This is the same thing," he told her.
"IT IS NOT," she replied, hissing each word through clinched teeth.
"What is it that is affecting you so much?"
"I can't protect Xander. I can't protect Alex. I don't deserve them. I couldn't protect Frankie. I don't understand why I think that I can love and protect Xander and Alex."
"It is because you love them."
"But that isn't enough," Liv said, almost at a whisper.
"Why not?"
Olivia looked up at him. The tears were there, threatening to fall at the slightest push, but she held them at bay. Her eyes were sad and wounded. Huang had to resist going to her and holding her. He had to make her face her humanity, her frailty. She had to learn to live with it.
"Olivia, we are all afraid of hurting the ones we love. It is part of love. It is an integral part of the emotion. We give ourselves to the other person freely and hope that they will do the same in return. You cannot punish yourself and hide behind some notion that not loving them will protect them. We cannot be everywhere all the time. What are you so afraid of?"
"That the gang will come for Xander. That something will happen to him or to Alex. I can't…I can't live like that…I can't ask her to live like that. I can't be with her, no matter how much my heart and brain want it. I am not good for her. I can't protect her. I can't be what she needs. I'll break and she'll be hurt. I couldn't protect her from the drug dealer. I couldn't protect her from what I've become. I can't protect her from the gang. I can't protect her from what might happen to me. I can't save her from me," Olivia stated.
"You've thought all this through," he questioned, wanting to change the topic.
"Of course, how could I not? I watched Frankie die before me. Her blood is my hands. I can't ask Alex to put her life on the line for me. I can't ask her to risk it for Xander. I love her too much to lose her," Liv explained.
"But, yet, you are willing to push her away and not have her to save her?" Huang asked.
"Yeah, I am."
"Why? Explain why that is better. I am not sure that I understand your reasoning."
"If I leave her now, she'll live never knowing the dangers that the gang could cause us. If I leave her now, she doesn't have the possibility to die because of me. If she lives, even without me, then I'll be okay knowing that she loves me and I love her. We can't be together. It would destroy us both. I can't let her get hurt. I can't let anything happen to her," Liv stated.
"So, you would punish both of you for her safety?"
"Not both, just me."
"But, you told me that she loves you. She came to Virginia to be with you, to help you get well, and to make you see that she loves you. Pushing her away is only going to make her fight back harder. You and I both know that Alex isn't one to back down from a challenge. Olivia, she isn't going to leave you. She came here knowing who and what you are. Why can't you accept that she loves you for you and what you are, what you do, what you are going to do?"
"Because I am a fuck up. I told her I loved her in a letter as I left for this assignment. I was too chicken shit to tell her to her face. I cheated on her with Frankie. I have a baby now. I have to think about their well-being and their well-being isn't with me. I am going to take Xander and go once we get back to New York. I can't stay with her. I can't put her in danger," Liv said.
"What danger will you put her in?"
"I am a cop. It follows me. I couldn't protect Frankie. Why should I think that I can protect Alex and Xander? No, I know I can't. I am going to get him and move out West somewhere. The gang doesn't have any operations out there. I'll…we'll safer there."
"Until when? Olivia, listen to yourself. You are willing to walk away from everything that you know, everything that you love, everything that you have to be lonely, miserable and safe. That isn't you. You face everything head on. Now, Alex loves you and she isn't going to let you go without a fight. You love her. She's come here for only one thing: You."
"But, I don't deserve her."
"That is completely up to Alexandra Cabot and not to Olivia Benson. You need to learn to surrender to her. That is what you are afraid of isn't it?"
"What?"
"You are afraid to love her, because you think that she'll leave you."
"She has no reason to stay with me. I've proven that to her time and time again. If she is with me, she'll only get hurt. I can't stand for that," Olivia replied.
"I want to talk to the both of you."
"No."
"That wasn't a request. You want to get out of here and you know that is only through me. Dana pulled enough strings to get me to be the counselor you see during the debriefings. You might as well get used to that couch, because I am not unleashing you on the world until I know that you are ready. Next time, I want you to bring Alex. You need to talk to her. I know that you won't do it on your own, now. So, I'll provide an environment for you," Huang told her.
"And, if I don't agree."
"Then, you will stay here, until you do," Huang told her, "Virginia is a nice play, but it isn't the City. You need to learn to trust others again. I know that is hard after being undercover for so long, but until you can trust yourself, you'll never trust anyone else. You need to learn to trust Olivia again. Julie can't help you, now. Only Olivia can protect Olivia."