Huge thanks to red2013, auntof3, and Nadreth for the reviews.
An hour later the boys strolled through the elevator both looking more relaxed, the only indicator of the rough morning being Ryan's still red rimmed and slightly bloodshot eyes. Esposito walked straight to the murder board and joined Beckett and Castle while Ryan headed for Esposito's desk. Everyone milled around for hours until it seemed only they and a couple other detectives remained on the floor. Ryan had long ago retired to the break room so he could watch television and munch on popcorn that he had found hidden in a cabinet. Castle had decided to join him after Beckett had to make a few phone calls and after pulling a chair next to him both sat and watched a basketball game on the modestly sized television.
Hearing some commotion both men exited the side room and entered the bull pen at the same time a detective was leading a struggling man in a worn leather jacket to interrogation. As soon as the man's eyes landed on Ryan he began to panic. "Oh Shit! Ryan… I… oh God please…"
Ryan's eyes narrowed as he pointed a finger at him, "I've been looking for you you shit."
The man looked around wildly before looking back, "I've almost got all the money. I swear I'll pay it all. Just please, please don't hurt me. I've got a kid man, I've got a kid!"
"You..." he trailed off suddenly aware of where he was and who was listening. "We'll discuss this later," he said quietly as he hunched his shoulders and seemed to shrink into himself at Javier's narrowed eyes.
The man went into a hysterical frenzy and Ryan sighed, "We will talk about this later, ok?"
The detective finally pulled him away and he looked at up at Castle before glancing at Esposito and Beckett. "I uh… yeah," was the only explanation they received and after a few more curious looks they went back to work.
The sound of metal wheels on wood met everyone's ears shortly after ten pm and Esposito shook his head when they turned around just in time to see Ryan flying across the entire bullpen in his chair. He looked over and saw they were looking so he smiled sheepishly and began walking backwards still seated in the chair.
"Getting bored?"
"No, I just had to do that. Seemed like a waste of an open space and office chair."
Esposito crossed his arms and tapped his foot, "Where's your sling?"
Ryan groaned, "I've been wearing it forever, I'm fine."
Beckett hid a smile and looked back at the board before sighing, "We're not going to get anything done if we're exhausted. Let's call it a night and come back in the morning."
Castle smiled, "Great! I wanted to ask Alexis how school was today. They took a field trip to the college and she was beyond excited."
Ryan nodded as he carefully evaded his boyfriend's attempts to put on his sling. "She said she was having a good time earlier." Seeing the writer's confused frown he continued after skittering around a desk and further away from Esposito, "She text me a couple hours ago when you were all looking at the board, said she was on her way home. Tried to text you but you didn't respond." Castle checked his phone and sure enough he had somehow missed a few texts.
Esposito glanced around and after checking that they were the only ones on the floor he slid his arm around Ryan's lean waist and kissed his cheek, "Come on, let's go home." He never hid who he was but it was sometimes easier to not display affections towards boyfriends in front of co-workers, not everyone was as accepting as he'd like them to be.
They walked to the elevator and Esposito blushed at Beckett quirking an eyebrow and winking at them. Ryan begrudgingly allowed him to put his sling back on and the pair walked from the front doors to the parking garage behind the building, fingers entwined. When they reached the car Javier didn't unlock it, instead he carefully nudged Ryan against it and leaned in for a long lazy kiss. He eventually pulled away but kept his body flush against the Irishman's and with a nervous expression he tried to convey his inner most feelings. He failed miserably as he opened and closed his mouth a few times, only pitiful squeaks leaving his lips.
"Use your words," Ryan said with a grin.
The sarcastic comment finally popped Esposito out of his stupor and with one more small kiss he sucked in a deep breath and just said what he needed to. "I've felt this way for a while and I wasn't sure you were ready to hear it but, I love you Kev."
Ryan's lips twitched into a tiny smile and he leaned his forehead against his, "I love you too Javi."
The next morning Esposito walked into the bathroom and frowned at the sight of Ryan standing perfectly still in front of the mirror, hands gently wrapped around the edge of the sink as he stared intensely at his reflection. He quietly walked forward and looked in the mirror before feeling his heart race increase at the sight of dark blood on his alabaster skin. The blood started at his jawline and was running down the long column of his neck before pooling around his collarbone and dripping into the sink. The normally clean porcelain was stained scarlet, tiny droplets of what kept Ryan alive hitting the edges of the bowl before flowing to the drain.
Esposito grabbed Ryan and spun him around, "What the hell bro? What happened?" Ryan didn't answer or even flinch as Esposito wiped away the blood with a towel, it almost looked like he had mentally checked out. "Talk to me Kev, what's going on?" he said nervously as he held the towel to his cheek.
"I was shaving and nicked myself. I just sort of spaced out. Sorry," he said almost robotically.
Esposito shook his head, "Try again."
Ryan licked his lips and felt tears gathering in his blue eyes as he came back to himself, "All I could see was her blood, everywhere. I haven't talked about it since it happened and now it's all back. I can't do this Javi, I can't do this." Esposito grabbed him tightly as he lost it and lowered them both to the rug beneath their feet.
Both sat on the floor in a heap, Esposito clutching him tightly while he began to sob. "I loved Jenny so much Javi. It's not fair. There was so much blood on the carpet and her and me and I couldn't get it off. I scrubbed and scrubbed but I couldn't get it off. She was so beautiful, even dead she was so beautiful. If I had been faster, or paid more attention or just something she'd still be here. I let her die. It's all my fault."
Javier gently shushed him and began to rock them back and forth.
"We were going to have a baby."
His heart plummeted as his movements halted, "She was pregnant?"
"It was mine Javi, I was going to be a dad," he cried. "He's taken everything from me, I can't lose you too, you're all I have left."
"You won't," he said firmly. "You don't ever have to be afraid again Kev." He dropped a kiss to the top of his head. "I love you and I will always protect you. No one will ever hurt you again."
They sat on the floor for what felt like hours, Javier's butt going numb eventually but he didn't dare move. Ryan had finally stopped crying and was now just curled into his side as his fingers played with the hem of his shirt like a child would do to a blanket. His eyes drifted to his neck and he lifted his hand and traced the white gold chain until he lifted up the two objects hanging off it. No explanation was needed; it was Ryan's mother and father's wedding rings. White gold bands, one small with a modest diamond and the other larger and engraved with words he didn't understand. He knew he didn't wear them regularly because it was new to him so he could only assume he was wearing the chain as a safety blanket of sorts, a way to provide him with comfort after trudging up horrible memories yesterday.
His fingers gently dropped the rings back against Ryan's bare chest and he kissed his head again as they continued to sit on the cold floor. He looked down when Ryan's hands grabbed one of his and pushed it to his sternum. Javier took the hint and with a tiny bit of pressure began to move his palm up and down Ryan's chest. The effect was immediate as his boyfriend relaxed and he made a mental note to remember this next time he was upset. "Come on, I have something for you."
He helped Ryan up and kissed the few remaining tears on his face away before pulling him to the living room and sitting him down. "So I went to your apartment and packed everything up for you, it's in storage whenever you're ready for it. I uh, came across your Zippos, I had no idea you had that many."
"A hundred and fourteen," he said quietly. "I've been collecting them since I was eight." Ryan watched with mild curiosity as he walked to the bedroom and came out with a small box and handed it to him. His hands raised to accept it and he set it down and just stared before glancing at Esposito who smiled, "Open it."
He slid off the top of the plain box and carefully lifted out an old Zippo. His hands gently traced over all the worn spots and the crudely carved K Michaels USA. "1938-1945 model," he said softly.
"1940," Esposito said. "It was owned by PFC Kelly Michaels. His brother gave it to him along with a pack of smokes right before they got deployed to Vietnam and told him he had to return it when they got back home. He carried it with him the entire time and when he retuned home he found out that his brother had died a few months back. His sister-in-law told him to keep it and he did, for sixty-one years until he died of natural causes."
Ryan looked down at the lighter with a newfound respect, the story making the worn piece of metal seem so much more special and important. "Where'd you get it?"
"From his daughter who owns an antique store. When I told her what I wanted she instantly grabbed it and just gave it to me. She made me promise her that I would give it to someone that meant a lot to me and that that person would hold on to it forever, just like her father had."
A smile finally broke across Ryan's face, "Thanks Javi. I'll never get rid of it."
He grabbed him and pulled him closer before kissing him, "You're welcome." The affections were meant to be brief but the way Ryan kept messing with the lighter was so endearing that he had to have another kiss, and another from his little lovable Irishman. The soft material of the couch gave way as he nudged Ryan down and continued to move his lips over his.
"Javi, I don't want to…"
"I know," he replied. "We don't have to, I just want to kiss you."
Ryan grabbed his face in his hands and stared up at him earnestly before his hands smashed his cheeks. "Fishy face."
Esposito couldn't help but laugh and when Ryan joined him he only laughed harder.
A few days later Ryan was able to remove the splints on his fingers and he couldn't have been more pleased. His stomach still pulled when he moved wrong but the stitches had healed nicely and he was now pretty much back to normal. It was a slightly stormy Tuesday when the pair walked into the station side by side, Ryan looking more and more nervous the closer they got to the elevator. After climbing in Esposito turned, "I know you don't want to talk about everything but you're doing the right thing, the family of our vics will appreciate this more than you know. I'm proud of you."
Ryan just swallowed thickly and rubbed his sweating palms on his pants. "Javi, the things I might say today, the things you might hear… Just know I love you ok? These past few weeks, I'll never forget everything you did for me."
His tone made the detective turn to better face him, "What are you so nervous about? I'm still going to be here after we get your statement."
"Yeah, of course," he said nonchalantly, all the while trying to force down the nausea that was building in his stomach. All last night he had laid awake just staring at his boyfriend, at the man he loved and prayed that he would still love him after certain truths came out. Today would change everything and the one thing in his life that wasn't stained would be forever tainted. If not for the confines of the elevator he might honestly consider running. After exiting the lift they approached Beckett's desk and Esposito smiled briefly in greeting once she hung up the phone.
"Ready?" she asked as she met Ryan's eyes.
He took a deep breath and nodded, "Ready."