Chapter Sixteen - Memory

Alex sat on the couch in the living room of the FBI apartment. Olivia hadn't come in yet. She was nervous. Huang had warned her that Liv might be distant when she got home. She knew that it was the only news that he could give her. He couldn't discuss anything that Olivia stated unless it pertained to the case and then that would be a matter of public record. Anything else would be considered privilege.

Alex was getting antsy. She was restless. She had been away from Olivia for a week and she felt lost. She had finally gotten Liv back and got Liv only to be losing her to the case. Alex could only wonder what she could do to make Olivia see that they belonged together. She had to make Olivia realize that they were good for each other. They both knew the horrors of the world and fought to make it a little better place.

Olivia came in the apartment and found a drowsy Alex on the couch. She immediately recoiled. Liv fought the urge to run away. She smiled at Alex and swallowed hard as she made her way to the bathroom. She was silently thanking Dana for keeping Xander a little while longer, well, until Olivia felt ready to have him 24/7.

Liv went into the bathroom and stared into the mirror. She turned on the tap and ran her hands under the water. She allowed the cool water to run through her olive skinned fingers. She watched as the water flowed and covered her hands. Slowly she gathered some water in her palms, looked up into the mirror and brought the water to her face, washing away her painful thoughts and memories. She stared at the reflection in the mirror in horror as she watched the water drip off the face into the sink below.

"Julie?" she whispered at the reflection.

"You know who I am."

"I am going crazy. I am going crazy. You aren't real," Liv told the reflection.

"Aren't I? Olivia, I am part of you. If I am not real, then you aren't real."

Liv stared at the face in horror. This isn't what she wanted. She wanted to go back to the FBI headquarters in New York and stop herself from becoming this person. She wanted to stop Julie.

"You can't stop me, Olivia. I am you. To stop me, you have to stop yourself."

"I could do that you know?" Liv told the reflection.

"You would kill yourself? I don't think so. You love Alex and Xander too much to do that to them. We both know that. They would curse you if you were that selfish. You would be no better than Mother if you did that."

"Why won't you leave me alone?" Liv asked.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I am you. You are me. We are one."

"You aren't me!" Liv screamed at the reflection.

Liv could hear the small knock on the door. She ignored it. She put her hands under the water again and doused her face again. She knew that it was Alex at the door. She knew that she had to get a grip on her anger and her feelings if she was going to deal with Alex. She couldn't let Julie win. She couldn't let Julie out. Julie was Olivia, but she was unrestrained. She scared Olivia with the passion and ferocity that she bore towards everything. She didn't want Alex to see her this way. She had to get a grip.

"Liv?" Alex finally questioned.

"I'm okay."

"You sure?" Alex asked thru the door.

"I'm fine. I just felt a little nauseous. I'll be out in a minute."

"Do you need anything?"

"NO! No, I am fine…thank you for asking. I'll be out soon."

Thankfully she heard Alex walk away. She looked back into the dark, almost black eyes of Julie in the mirror. She saw the faint, but overly cocky smile that Biker gave her back.

"Why are you wasting your time in here, Stud? She's out there and waiting for you. Go get her," Julie told her, winking knowingly.

"I can't do that," Olivia reasoned.

"Why not? We both know that she wants you. We both know that we both want her."

"You can't have her," Olivia told her reflection thru clinched teeth.

"You gonna stop me. I think not. You are cracking detective."

"I am not losing my mind. I am not crazy. I am not—"

"Out there with the woman you love," Julie replied.

"Stop that. Stop fucking doing that. You don't know what is going on in my head."

"But, I do. I know everything that you know. I know how sometimes at night when you, I mean when I was with Frankie, how we longed for to Alex, to kiss Alex, to know Alex. We cared for Frankie, but your Huang dude was right. She was just a surrogate. We still ached for the real thing. We still yearned for the fleeting glance from her steel blue eyes, yearned for an accidental brush of her hand across ours as we exchanged files, ached for the soft touch on the shoulder for a job well done. Face it, Olivia, you've loved her for years. Frankie was a nice distraction, but whose name did you call out for in the middle of the night when the demons were too close? Whose name did you scream out when the nightmares threatened your sanity? I'll give you a hint. She is outside this door," Julie told her.

Liv stared at the reflection, willing Julie back into the recesses of her mind. She stared at the reflection until her eyes turned brown again. She stood there staring, willing her heart rate to go back to normal, her breathing to slow and her mind to stop racing.

She grabbed the handle of the door and opened the door. She was greeted by Alex in the hallway. Liv met her sapphire eyes and broke a little more inside. There would always be something about the way that Alex looked at her that would make her quake on the inside. There would always be something about Alex that made Olivia swoon.

"Liv?" Alex questioned, noticing the conflicting emotions in Liv's eyes.

"I'm good, Alex. Thanks for asking. I just need to get something to drink," Liv told her turning to go into the kitchen.

Alex stood in the door way and watched her. She watched as Olivia grabbed a glass from the cupboard and filled it, drained it, and filled it again from the tap at the kitchen sink. Alex knew that something was bothering her and that Liv was forcing the water down. She knew that she shouldn't push Liv into telling her what was wrong, but her lawyer instincts were taking over. She wanted to know. She stood there, arguing with herself in her head, as Liv drank more water.

"I'm fine, Alex. I promise. Huang got to me today. I just needed to think. I am good."

"I understand. Do you want to be alone?" Alex asked, knowing that she didn't want her to be alone. "I'll go over to Dana's if you do."

"You don't have to do that. You shouldn't have to sacrifice on my account. I don't want you to suffer on my behalf, Alex. I don't want to hurt you," Liv told her.

"Then don't. Tell me what you are thinking. Talk to me. I am here for you, but I can't help you if you don't let me. Just talk to me, Liv. Tell me anything you want to," Alex explained.

"That is dangerous."

"I know. I can handle it. I can take it. Just talk to me. I won't judge you. How can I? You were doing your job. You were following the case. I can't fault you for that."

"But you can," Liv stated.

"Why? Because of Frankie? Is all this because you were with Frankie?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do. You think that I mad that you were with her, don't you? I am a little upset about it, but mostly I am jealous. I am jealous that she got to you before I did. I am jealous because she gave you that wonderful child. I am jealous because she broke through somehow to your heart before I could. But, can I fault you or her for that? No, I can't. I can only tell you, now, that I love you and I hope that one day you will love me like you did before you left," Alex told her, the tears streaming down her face.

The sight of Alex crying was Olivia's undoing. She dropped the glass into the sink, crossed the kitchen and was Alex's side in no time flat. She wasn't thinking. She was feeling and it was something that she had gotten used to doing. It was one of things that Julie had taught her.

The next thing that Liv knew was that she had Alex up against the hallway wall. Her hands were buried in Alex's hair and she was searching Alex's eyes for any hint of repulsion. Finding none, Liv's entire body softened. Alex's eyes watched Olivia, never once showing an ounce of fear. Olivia cupped Alex's face, rubbing her thumbs across Alex's cheeks.

Alex watched the emotions going thru Olivia's eyes. She didn't move. She had been surprised by Liv's strength, but she knew that Liv wasn't trying to hurt her. She just stared at Liv, hoping that her love shown through enough for Liv to see.

Olivia held Alex still against the wall in the hallway. She was gentle and loving. She ran her hands through Alex's hair, stopping short at Alex's shoulders. Before Olivia could stop herself, she leaned in and kissed Alex.

Alex melted in Olivia's hands. She allowed Olivia to deepen the kiss. She finally reached up and grabbed Liv around the waist and held her. It was the first time that Liv didn't pull away from Alex's touch. Alex was revealing in the moment.

Olivia pulled back and stared at Alex. The desire showed brightly in Alex's dancing sapphire eyes. Olivia's eyes darkened with lust, desire, want, but there was more behind it that Alex could see but she couldn't put a name to it. Olivia was out of breath, but unwilling to let Alex go. She fought her need, her desire to bury herself into Alex.

"I'm sorry."

"For kissing me?" Alex asked in response.

"Yeah, I shouldn't have done that."

"Why not?"

"Because…we aren't ready for that. We don't know each other. We need to talk. I need to tell you things. I need for you to understand what I went through," Olivia told her.

"We will talk. I know we will, Liv. We can sit down and talk about all of that, later. Right now, I want to talk about what you are feeling. Tell me what you are thinking right now," Alex stated.

"Alex…"

"Olivia, don't shut me out. Talk to me. I am not going anywhere. I am staying right here with you," Alex told her, pulling her back into her embrace, "Olivia, I love you."

Olivia pushed her back into the wall. Alex didn't complain as Liv shoved her hard into the wall. Olivia was losing the battle to control herself. Alex could see the war in Olivia's eyes. She could see how Olivia was fighting to hold herself back.

"Alex…"

"Liv, talk to me," Alex whispered.

"Alex…"

"Talk to me, Liv."

Olivia broke. She couldn't tell who won, but she couldn't hold back anymore. There was nothing that she could say to Alex that could convey what she was feeling. There was no way to tell Alex how much she truly cared for her, loved her, needed her.

Alex stared into Olivia's eyes. She didn't let Olivia go. She actually pulled Olivia closer to her.

"Liv…"

Olivia's resolve broke further. She pushed Alex against the wall, pulling Alex's arms above her head. Alex let out a pent up breath as Liv descended back to her mouth. Alex was a little surprised at the ferocity behind the kiss. Liv dominated Alex's mouth. Alex moaned into Liv's mouth as she pushed her body against Olivia, trying to prove her point.

"Alex…"

Olivia pushed her back into the wall. She released Alex's arms and immediately went for Alex's shirt. She heard Alex's moan, but she didn't stop. She was driven, driven by a need to feel Alex, to touch her, to make up for all the time that they missed.

"Alex…"

"Olivia…"

Liv didn't stop Alex as she pulled Liv closer. Liv kissed her again, but this time, Alex deepened the kiss. She held Olivia as she pushed her tongue through Olivia's lips. Liv moaned into Alex's mouth. Olivia couldn't still her hands as she ripped the button-up shirt that Alex was wearing open. Alex sighed, not sure if her mind could allow her to let this happen.

Olivia pushed her hands around Alex's torso to her back. She pulled Alex off the wall and into her, needing to feel Alex's heat against her own body. She stilled her hands just under Alex's bra, gripping Alex's rib cage, enjoying the feel of Alex's naked flesh under her callused hands.

"Liv…"

"Alex, I…"

"No, Liv, don't. It's okay. I know. I know. Trust me, I know."

Olivia backed up, pushing Alex back into the wall, as she moved away. Olivia put her hand up as she saw Alex about to say something more. The look that overcame Olivia's face was one of horror. She couldn't believe that her resolve had dissolved with one look at Alex.

"Alex, I shouldn't…"

"Olivia Benson, stop that thought right there. You weren't alone in that kiss. You weren't alone in the want. You weren't alone."

"I…I can't…I shouldn't have…"

"Liv, listen to me. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted you. Hell, I still want you. I've wanted you for so long. Look at me. Liv, look at me," Alex begged her.

Olivia looked up. Alex raised her hand to Liv's face and brushed the tears away. The look in Liv's eyes tore at Alex's heart. Something broke in Alex, something deep inside, an ache that she had buried years ago. Alex reached out and took Olivia's hand.

"Alex?"

"Liv, I love you. I know you care for me. You've probably had a long day. I am sure that Huang pushed again today. Come with me," Alex told her.

Olivia didn't argue. She was happy to follow Alex. She didn't know what Alex was thinking or planning, but she was taking Huang's advice and surrendering to her emotions and feelings. She let Alex take her into Alex's room.

"Olivia, I have tried to tell you how much I love you. I have done everything that I can think of but just taking you to make you understand that. I know that you have your reservations because of what happened to you while you were undercover. We will talk about everything that happened and I know that I will jealous, but it is part of your past. We will have to deal with what that brings to our relationship."

"Alex, I don't…"

"For once, Olivia, stop thinking."

Alex sat her on the end of the bed. She stood between Olivia's legs and held her face. Alex stared into Olivia's eyes. Every time that Olivia would try to look away, Alex would turn her face back to her own.

"Liv…"

"Alex…"

"Stay there. Don't move. I've got something to show you," Alex explained.

Alex backed up. She stood in front of Olivia and watched Olivia's face. Liv was mesmerized by Alex. She slinked out of her shirt and laid it across the chest o' drawers. Liv's eyes widened. Alex took a tentative step forward back toward Olivia. She watched Liv melt. She reached out and caressed Liv's cheek.

Olivia swallowed hard. She was confused but she loved Alex. Alex didn't give her time to think about it. She leaned down, took Liv's hands in her own and then placed them on her bare skin. Alex watched as Liv smiled at the contact. She reached up and took off her bra. Liv's eyes got bigger as she smiled up at Alex. Alex smiled back, took Olivia's face in her hands, and kissed Olivia fully. Olivia couldn't stop touching Alex, no matter how hard she tried.

Olivia sighed. She didn't fight it. She let Alex lead. And, in the back of her mind, Julie was smiling. For once, the memories of what happened weren't plaguing Olivia. She was caught up in the moment, in the feeling, in Alex.