A/N: Sorry for the delay. I have been really working hard on the progression of this one. It is my longest yet. I have also been planning out further chapters and how I want the story to move forward. I hope you enjoy this one. As always, please R/R. JET

Disclaimer for this chapter: Rating gets very M+ for sex and language, if you don't like either, sorry. I would suggest you wait for the next chapter. If you are too young to read it, move on.

Chapter Seventeen - Angst

Alex held Olivia's head, forcing her to look past her naked flesh and into her eyes. Olivia thought she would faint from the gorgeous site before her. Alex wasn't going to let it go this time and Olivia knew it. There was too much raw need, desire and want behind her last kiss. There had been too much time lost between them.

Alex forced Olivia to look her in the eyes as she reach down and took the hem of Liv's shirt. Olivia didn't question the pleading look in Alex's eyes. She slightly nodded her head in ascension as she felt Alex's fingers skirt across her torso as she pulled on Liv's shirt. Olivia was not surprised at the speed in which Alex took it off her. Liv wanted to turn away. She didn't want Alex to see the scars.

"Liv, let me see you," Alex said, quietly.

Liv looked up into her eyes. She didn't see pain, but hope and love. Olivia turned back to face her, letting Alex take in everything, every mark, every scar, every tattoo. Alex reached down and took Liv's hand. She pressed it to her shoulder and to the angry scar there.

"We both have our scars, Liv. There is nothing that we cannot show each other. We know what can happen with our jobs. We've seen the horror together. We fight. These are our badges of honor. You shouldn't be ashamed of them. You earned them all defending the weak and protecting us all," Alex told her.

"Not all of them," Liv whispered.

Alex gave her a questioning look, but didn't ask. She didn't want to ruin the moment any more than it had been already. She ran her arm over the tattoo on Liv's shoulder, noting the vibrancy of the colors. She traced the lines of the golden cross on the red koi fish. Olivia was relishing in the feel of Alex's fingers on her skin that she didn't notice when Alex stopped moving and looked into Liv's chocolate brown eyes with questions.

"Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"What does this one mean? I didn't figure that you would go for something so Oriental. It's beautiful but I'm sure that it has some meaning. Will you tell me about them?" Alex asked.

"That is for you. It was a way that I could keep you near me. Always. Even though you weren't near me, I had still had part of you to help keep me grounded."

"I don't understand."

"I believe you would if you remembered your cousin's tattoo."

"Are you talking about Stephen's Cabot coat of arms? I seem to remember my aunt going ballistic when he came home with that. What does that have to do with anything?"

"Look closer," Liv instructed, putting her hand on Alex's, tracing the lines with both their hands, "The three koi fish represent the Cabot family. I took the Benson coat of arms, which has three golden crosses and black chevron on a white background. I blended them to make the tableau. To be honest no one got it, thank goodness, except for Dana."

"So this is for us?"

"Yes."

"Wow, I am honored. But, Liv, why did you wait? You sent the letter…"

"Not now, Alex, it isn't important."

"I love you," Alex blurted out.

"I love you, too, Alex. I have for so long. I am sorry that I've hurt you."

"Stop. Don't. We have to move past that and build on what we have now. I'm not leaving; no matter what you tell me happened while you were in Atlanta. I'd thought I'd lost you. I am not letting you go, again," Alex told her.

She gripped Liv tighter and brought Liv's face into her breasts. She held her, enjoying their closeness. She leaned Liv back enough so she could tale in the full site of her naked torso. Liv just stared into the loving sapphire eyes that ate up every inch of her skin, tattoos, scars and all.

"So beautiful…"

Alex couldn't contain her self anymore. She pushed Liv back on the bed and crawled on top of her. Alex straddled Liv's hips and descended for another kiss. Liv moaned at the skin to skin contact of their bodies as Alex kissed her. Her body screamed with need and her core ached for Alex to touch her. Liv was fighting, trying to stay restrained, but Julie...Julie wanted to be unleashed.

Julie wanted Liv to take Alex then and now. Liv wanted Alex, but didn't want to scare her. Liv's conservativeness was the polar opposite of Julie's unbridled passion. Julie acted before thinking, while Liv thought out every action before acting. Somehow when it came to Frankie, they could agree in bed. Julie was begging to be released, knowing how bad that Olivia needed to bury herself in Alex's warmth. Julie tried to make Liv see that she needed her, but Liv kept Julie at bay. That was until Alex deepened the kiss.

Alex could feel the change happening in Olivia. She wasn't scared. She wanted to see Olivia let loose, knowing it would help her mend in the end. She knew that Liv had been keeping everything bottled up inside. She was pushing Liv as far as she could as hard as she could within reason. She wanted Olivia so bad that her desires were out weighing what the consequences could be in the morning. Frankly, she didn't give a damn; she wanted Olivia as much as she could tell that Liv wanted her.

"Alex…"

It was a plea. It was a warning. It was Julie's tipping point. Olivia surrendered to both Julie and Alex's desires as she moaned into Alex's wanton mouth.

Julie was unleashed in Olivia's mind and took over her body. Olivia wasn't fully complacent. She was in the background waiting for Julie to go too far, too fast, too…anything. But, she had to admit that Julie was the lover that Alex needed right now. She was the personality that Olivia could lose herself to in bed and not regret it later.

Alex looked into Olivia's eyes, as they turned black as coal. For a second, Alex wondered if she was pushing too hard for this, but then when Olivia circled her arms around Alex's body, she knew that Olivia wanted her just as badly. Alex slipped her tongue into Olivia's mouth, tasting her. She teased Liv's luscious lips and she felt Liv hold her tighter.

Before Alex knew was happening, she was on her back with Olivia looming over her. She watched as Liv studied every inch of skin. She was mesmerized when Liv reached out to touch her scar, gingerly and with so much emotion. She could see the tears forming in Liv's eyes.

"It isn't your fault."

"But, it is. I couldn't protect you then. I can't protect you now."

"But, you did. You saved me that night. You kept my secret for three years. You have always done what you thought was best for me. You have always put me first."

"Alex…"

"Liv, just love me. Love me like only you can. That is all I want," Alex told her.

It was all that Julie needed to hear. She was on Alex's mouth kissing her like it was the only way that Olivia could breathe. Alex moaned into Liv's mouth, begging for more. Julie obliged. Her hands began to touch Alex, mapping out every inch of Alex's almost flawless skin.

"You're like cream. I could touch you for hours. God, you are beautiful, woman."

"Liv, touch me."

Julie needed no further encouragement. She was going to have Alex and Olivia be damned, she was going to enjoy every blissful minute of it. Olivia could yell at her in the mirror in the morning if she wanted, but right now, Julie was going to pleasure them both.

Her hands flew to Alex's jeans. Julie made a note of it. She thought that Alex was sexy in anything, but there was something about seeing her outside the courtroom or office, relaxed that she knew would be Olivia's undoing. Jeans were a must for that, and Julie was going to make sure that they remembered that. She undid the button fly and slowly removed them from Alex's toned legs. The sight of her lower body…her entire body only clothed in some dainty blue silk panties brought Olivia to forefront.

Liv reached out to touch Alex's stomach, shyly. The confidence of Julie was gone, but the desire hadn't slacked any. It was the one thing that they could agree on: what Alex's body did to them.

Alex reached down for Olivia and pulled her back on top. She pushed her hands into Olivia's slacks, going over Liv's ass before squeezing. She heard Liv gasp and she buried her nails into Liv's ass through her boy shorts.

Liv felt herself losing control of the emotions she had so carefully bottled up for years. It was like Alex was the key. Alex was her undoing and she couldn't be happier about it. She stared down into Alex's eyes, seeing the love Alex gave her reflected back at her. It was all Olivia needed to push Julie back. She could lose herself to Alex, but she had to control Julie's overwhelming wantonness.

She leaned down and kissed Alex, again fully. It was like Alex's mouth was nectar and she couldn't get enough. She felt the heat of Alex's exposed skin beneath her hardened fingers. Alex moaned at Liv's touch, only making Liv touch her more. Olivia ran her hands over Alex's skin revealing in her moans.

"Oh, Liv…"

Liv smiled down at Alex before she kissed her again. Alex rewarded her with her tongue. They battled for control of the kiss, neither surrendering. Liv sighed and broke the kiss to get air. She watched as Alex watched her.

"Alex, I've been so stupid…"

"Not now, Liv. Stop thinking. Let your emotions go. I'm not going to hurt you," Alex told her as she rubbed her hands up Liv's arms to her shoulders.

Liv ducked her head, tucking her chin to her chest overcome by…Alex. She took in the pale blonde's body in her movements. She closed her eyes and thanked whatever deity was happy with her for allowing this chance with Alex. Her eyes opened and she caught another glimpse of Alex's blue silk panties. Liv looked up into Alex's baby blues and smiled.

"Alex…You're so damn beautiful."

"Kiss me, Liv."

"I can't believe this is real. That you're real. I just…I can't…not even in my dreams…oh, Alex…Alex, I have loved you for so long," Liv told her.

"Kiss me, Liv. Touch me. Know that I am here with you and this isn't a dream."

Olivia gathered Alex in her arms, turning them slightly on the bed so they were facing each other. Alex smiled as she watched Liv's eyes darken again. This time Alex wasn't going to let Liv think. She only wanted her to feel. She needed Liv to let go and be free. She knew it would give them both what they wanted…Love.

Alex leaned into her, her arms coming up to Olivia's mid-back and her bra. Alex deftly unhooked it and helped Liv out of it. She heard Liv's breath hitch as she drank in the sight of Liv's naked breasts. Alex restrained herself from touching the newly exposed skin.

"Liv…you're exquisite."

Alex could feel her starting to pull away. She was overcome with emotion and feeling. Alex pulled her in tighter, not letting her go. She ran her hands over Liv's back, learning the scars and landscape. A few times, she heard Liv's breathing stop, but she wasn't going to stop. Not now, not again, she needed Liv to feel her love so she would understand.

Alex pulled Liv's head down to her chest and let her snuggle for a while. She knew it would calm Liv's fears to hear her heart beat, to feel her chest, to know she was alive. She smiled when she felt Liv stirring beneath her. She gasped when she felt Liv's mouth close over one of her highly sensitive nipples. She wasn't upset by it, just surprised at Liv's boldness.

Alex rubbed her back as Liv continued to suckle. She suppressed moan after moan willing her body not to move as Liv found comfort in her body. Evidently it wasn't the response that Liv wanted. She bit Alex's nipple as was rewarded with a loud moan.

Liv's hands immediately went to both of Alex's breasts. She squeezed them before moving to Alex's pink nipples. She didn't want to break contact with Alex, again. She eased Alex back onto her back and continued to be please herself with Alex's breasts and nipples. Alex could see the darkness of Liv's eyes as she descended to suck on a nipple then the other. She noted how black they were through Liv's hooded eyelids and lashes. Alex moaned as Liv expertly worshipped her bosom.

Liv couldn't still her hands after Alex's moan. She had to feel all of Alex; the need was too great to deny. She sucked hard on one of Alex's nipples causing Alex to arch up further into Liv's arms. Liv took the opportunity to run her hands down Alex's back to her butt. Liv cracked.

She wanted Alex so bad and so did Julie. She ripped the underwear off Alex's body roughly. Alex sighed.

When Alex hadn't pulled away, Liv continued to touch her…all of her. She kneeled around Alex's narrow hips and drunk in the sight of the achingly beautiful blonde below her. Alex reached up, almost beckoning Liv back to her, and touched her breasts. Alex smiled at the contrast between their skin.

"The light and the dark…"

"You have no idea how right you are," Liv replied.

Alex reached up and cupped Liv's face. Her eyes shown bright with Love. Slowly, she coaxed Liv back down to her lips. She kissed Liv fully, willing Liv's demons away. Alex knew she had succeeded when Liv's tongue broke through. She ceded control of the kiss to Liv, giving her the reins to their love making.

Liv moaned from Alex's luscious mouth, drunk on passion, to the column of her throat. Alex put her hands on Liv's back enjoying the feel of her corded musculature moving as Liv loved on her. When Olivia found the pulse point at the base of Alex's throat and sucked it, Alex's hands snuck lower to Liv's backside and cupped it. Liv moaned. Not wanting to break contact or stop Alex's hands on her, Liv reached between them and undid the button and fly to her slacks. Alex felt the cloth give and shoved her hands inside and under the cloth of Liv's boy shorts. Liv came up for air, enjoying the sensation of Alex's hands on her ass.

"Alexandra…" she moaned.

Alex noted the raw need in Liv's voice. She dug her nails into Liv's sensitive flesh wanting more. Liv's eyes snapped shut, hiding the usual warm chocolate brown from Alex's gaze. When she opened her eyes, Alex saw that they were black as coal.

"Want…"

"Yes, Liv, a million times yes…"

"Fuck…" Liv breathed.

Alex was amazed at Liv's language but was completely distracted by her hands. Liv grabbed Alex by the hips, holding her to the bed, as she descended to Alex's core. Liv heard her breath hitch as she was face to face with Alex's exposed need. She couldn't contain the want, the need, the desire, (and Julie) anymore. Liv buried herself into Alex's folds with her tongue.

"Oh, Liv! Yes! So Good!"

Julie flinched as Alex called out for Liv. Liv screamed out in triumph in her head at the sound of her name on Alex's lips. Julie and Liv would continue to battle but they were both getting what they wanted: Alex.

"More, Liv, more."

Liv slowly brought a hand down from Alex's bucking hips to her center. Alex was bucking wildly beneath her and her hands weren't doing much to keep Alex in one place. Liv gave up trying. She instead sucked in that sensitive bundle of nerves as one hand cupped Alex's ass and the other found its way into her core. Alex screamed.

"O-Liv-via!"

It was pure bliss to Liv's ears. She entered another finger into Alex. Holding her close so she could continue, Liv moaned around the need. The vibrations coupled with Liv's knowing fingers drew out the most carnal and feral sounds from Alex.

"Come for me," Liv pleaded, needing to feel her let go.

"Liv, yes. Yes. Yes! YES!"

Olivia felt Alex's body contract around her fingers as a new flood of warmth filled her mouth. Liv welcomed it, graciously. She continued to lap of Alex's center until Alex's hands grabbed her by the ears.

"Stop. No more…I can't…come here."

Liv obliged, moved up from Alex's core to her side. However, she left her hand cupping Alex. Liv had gotten what she wanted but she wasn't willing to let go.

"Mine," Olivia told her, cupping her again.

Alex's eyes flew to Liv's. She watched as Liv's darkened eyes returned to brown. She could feel a slight tension building in Olivia.

"Always," Alex answered, trying to soothe Liv's mood.

Liv smiled and buried herself in Alex's side. She rested her head on Alex's shoulder, but she never removed her hand. Alex could feel herself calming and she could feel Olivia, calming beside her. Liv twitched her fingers and Alex gasped at the new desire building there.

"Olivia?"

"Sorry…"

"Don't be. I want you. Will you let me?"

"Alex…"

"Liv, you've loved me. Let me love you. Let me show you how much I love you."

"Alex –"

Alex cut her off with a kiss. Alex surprised not only herself but Liv as well as she rolled them over. She sat up, grabbed Liv's pants and boy shorts, pulled them from Liv's body and was back on top of Olivia before she could protest. Alex touched the Koi fish tableau and burned her gaze into Liv's eyes.

"We're together, now…like we've wanted for so long."

Alex could see the tears forming. She knew that Liv's body told the tell of her undercover operation with its scars and tattoos. She would ask about them later, but now she wanted Liv to forget the past. She only wanted her to think about the here and now, how their bodies fit together so well, how their love would help them deal with everything.

"Alex, I love you."

Alex knew then not matter what happened. They would be okay. She would tell Olivia she loved her every day.

"Oh, Olivia, I love you, too," Alex replied.

Olivia hugged her close to her, as tears began to fall.

"Liv?"

"I'm okay. Just hold me tonight. Please just hold me."

Alex wouldn't tell her "no." She gathered Liv into her arms and buried Liv's head into her neck. She felt Liv slowly melt and relax. She smiled into Liv's shaggy hair. She kissed Liv's head as she heard Liv's breathing slow and become regular with sleep. Alex smiled, realizing that Olivia finally trusted her enough to let go emotionally and sleep in her arms. Alex fell asleep smiling for the first time in a long time.

Alex woke the next morning alone. She wasn't surprise, but she was a little hurt. She had hoped to wake in Liv's arms. She had wanted to tell Liv that she loved her as soon as they both woke. She could only hope that Olivia didn't regret the night before.

Alex got out of the bed, grabbed her Harvard Law t-shirt and some yoga pants, dressing quickly and headed to the kitchen. She was happy to see that Liv had already made a pot of coffee. She poured a cup and drained it, trying to prepare herself for the aftermath that might occur. She turned to find the bathroom door closed. She angled her head in question as she studied the door. It was slightly cracked and she could see the light coming around it.

Alex walked over to the door. She reached out to push it open when she heard Olivia talking to someone in the bathroom. She didn't know if Liv was on the phone but she could tell that she was arguing with someone named Julie. Alex stilled her hand for a second before she realized who Julie was and what the argument was about. She forced the door open, surprising Liv.

"Alex?!"

"Yes, it's me."

"Did I wake you?"

"No, I smelled the coffee," she lied, holding up her cup.

"Oh," Liv replied.

"Olivia?"

"Yeah?"

"Am I really talking to you?" Alex asked, pulling Liv out of the bathroom and to the kitchen table.

"I don't know what you mean."

"Of course you do. Olivia, talk to me. Tell me about her," Alex demanded, making another cup of coffee and handing it to Olivia.

"About Frankie?" Olivia asked, taking the mug of coffee that Alex offered her.

"No, about Julie," Alex said, sitting down across from her at the table.

Olivia looked up in horror. She was speechless. She didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to explain it to Alex. She held on to the cup of coffee, willing the moment to pass.

"I am a lawyer, Liv. I am not going to stop questioning. Tell me about her," Alex explained.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because, I can't."

"Olivia, it's me. I told you I love you and mean it. How can I help you when you won't let me?"

"I don't need your help," Liv spat back.

"Hello, Julie," Alex replied, hoping she was right.

"Hello, Alexandra. I have to say that you look ravishing this morning. Sleep well?"

"I did, in fact. Thank you for asking, but I know that you already knew the answer. You knew because you were there with us last night, weren't you?"

"Yes," Julie answered.

"Did you like it?"

"Absolutely."

"Did Liv?"

"Yeah, she did."

"Then, why are you arguing with her about it?" Alex asked.

"Because we are the same, but we aren't. I'm pure passion and she is restrained constraint. We work well together, but she is afraid of me."

"I am not."

"Why not?"

"Because, you are part of Olivia. I know that Olivia loves me and I love her. You may be like Jekyll and Hyde, but I know that you love me in your own way."

"How do you know that?" Julie questioned skeptically.

"Because of the tattoo."

"Explain, please."

"Olivia would get a tattoo for undercover, I know this. She would accept the role that she was given but there had to be something just under the surface to help her. She has always drawn from her own life for every sting and situation that she's put her self in. I know that Olivia is a caring, loving person, so I am assuming that you are as well," Alex told her.

"You shouldn't assume, Counselor."

"No, but I know what you did for Frankie. I know that you begged for them to beat you instead of her. I know that you were the one taking the pain so Liv didn't have to as you both were protecting Frankie. So, tell me now, Julie, can Olivia find peace?"

"That is entirely up to her."

"Not really."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, Julie, you have decided to become part of her psyche. You manifest yourself in stressful situations so Olivia doesn't have to. I don't think that is healthy for Liv. I think that she needs to learn to deal with it on her own. How else can she cope and move on?" Alex asked.

"The same way we did when Mom drank and got angry," Julie answered.

"And, what was that?" Alex questioned, noting the tears in both their eyes.

"We dealt with it head on and found somewhere to go."

"Is that what Liv needs now? Does she need somewhere to go? Does she need me to let her go?" Alex inquired, choking on the last question.

Tears streamed down both of their faces. Alex stared at Liv's eyes, trying to gauge the shift between the personalities, realizing that she had known for years. It was now that she a name for the anger and passion that Liv reserved all those years.

"No," Liv whispered, "I don't want to leave you."

"Then, don't. Tell me what you need. Tell me everything. Don't be scared of me. Love me, Olivia, and let me love you back," Alex pleaded, taking her hand and holding it across the table.

"I do."

"Then, let me in. Don't hide behind the job anymore. You can't shield me from the past, the operation or the horrors that come with it. Let me help you fight your demons. Let me be there for you. Let me keep the demons at bay, Sweetheart."

"You do. Every day. I'm sorry for…her."

"Don't be. Liv, I know that you had to become someone else while you were undercover. I know that part of that personality bled over from you and into you. I understand that. I am one of the few who can understand it. I know what it is like to pretend to be someone you aren't, to see things that you so desperately want to fix, but can't because you aren't you anymore. I know because Emily knows, too," Alex told her.

"Emily?"

"Yes, Emily. That is who I was in Wisconsin while I was in Wit Sec. Emily was me, but she wasn't. I couldn't stop thinking like a lawyer, so sometimes Emily would have to put Alex in the corner and run things. I am sure that is what you do, too, isn't it, Julie?"

"Yes, it is."

"But, you love me because Olivia loves me."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Then, I love you both."

"What?"

"If you are part of Olivia, and Olivia is part of you and you both love me, then I must love you as well. I love Liv, so I must love you because you are part of her. You don't scare me. You have nothing to fear from me. I just want to love Liv."

"That is all I want, too," Liv told her, straightening herself.

"There is nothing that we can't do together."

"I know that."

"You don't have to become Julie to tell me anything. I felt you last night. You, Olivia, not some conjuring, just you. If you're scared, be scared. Don't bottle up your emotions anymore. Come back to me and be with me."

"You don't know what you are asking," Liv warned her.

"But, I do. I am asking you to love me. I am asking you to trust me."

Olivia sighed. She squeezed Alex's hand and then brought it to her lips to kiss it. She felt her body relax. She felt herself become whole again for a while.

"Huang wants you to come to a session with me."

"Then, I'll go."

"You will hear things…"

"Things that I need to know in order to help you," Alex said.

"Why? What have I ever done to deserve you? I don't understand…it…at all."

"What is there to understand about love? All we can do is accept it, take it all in and be part of it or let it destroy us. I choose to be with you. I can only hope that you choose to be with me."

"I do. By God, woman, I do. I could care less about anything else right now, but you."

"What time is your appointment?"

"Two o'clock," Liv stated.

"Then we have time."

"Time for what? Don't you have briefings to go to? What are you talking about?"

"Not today, Liv. Today, I'm with you, all day. And, right now, we have time to prove to you how much I think you deserve me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a great need to be naked with you. I want to show you how much you mean to me," Alex stated, standing, still holding Liv's hands, as she started towards the bedrooms.

"But, Alex, you don't have to do this."

"I know that. I am definitely not doing this because I have to, but because I want to make love to you. I couldn't last night, because, well, you loved me so thoroughly. But, I am rested and I plan on hearing you scream my name. That is if you'll allow me."

"Damn it, Alex. You can't say things like that to me. I don't know what…"

"Stop thinking about it. Let go, Olivia. Let passion rule, for once, and see what it will bring you. I'm not going to love you and leave you. No, I have plans for you, lots of plans."

Alex watched her eyes darken. She giggled when Olivia picked her up and carried her to Olivia's bedroom instead of her own. She smiled as Liv kissed her, hard, crushingly hard. She hoped that Julie/Olivia was ready because she wasn't going to stop until Liv begged her to. Too many years of pent up passion were breaking thru and Olivia could feel it as well.

"Alex…"

"Shut up and kiss me," she demanded.

"Ah, Hell. Fuck it. I love you," Olivia answered, kissing her again.