Chapter Eighteen - Session

Huang watched them with curiosity. There was an easiness between them that he knew hadn't been there before. He wondered what transpired between them. He knew it had to have been monumental for Liv to have that look in her eye.

"Come in, Liv. We'll start with you. Thank you for coming, Alex. We'll be a few minutes. You have time to go to the café for a coffee if you'd like," Huang told them.

Alex nodded in response as she took a seat. Huang noticed the longing look that Olivia gave her. He also noticed the reassurance Alex conveyed back. Olivia smiled at Huang as she went into his office. She sat on the couch and waited.

"You look betted today," he stated.

"I feel…better."

"I see you asked Alex to come. Can I ask what prompted that? Did you ask her?"

"I didn't ask. I mentioned that you wanted to see us both. She agreed that it might help me cope and offered to come with me today," Liv answered.

"So what happened between you two for that to happen?"

"She met Julie," Liv answered, quietly, the shame evident.

"She met Julie? Let's talk about that, then. Why did she meet Julie?"

"Because I couldn't stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Julie."

"Why did you want to stop Julie?"

"I was afraid that she would hurt Alex. I wouldn't be able to bear it if she did. I know that Julie is part of me, but she is my wild side. I didn't want to hurt Alex and I was afraid that I would have if I was Julie," Liv explained.

"But you didn't hurt her, did you?"

"No, we didn't."

"Did Alex talk to Julie?"

"Yes, well, she talked to both of us."

"Did that scare you?"

"Yes, it terrified me. I was sure that Alex would leave me. Julie is just so…"

"Emotional?"

"Yes, but it's unrestrained. I'm afraid I'll lost control. I don't want to hurt anyone."

"Have you lost control before?" he asked.

"Yes…"

"Tell me about it."

"It was with Frankie and D.J. We were at the bar discussing another trade run. I was getting frustrated with the entire operation. I felt like the FBI wasn't moving fast enough and I was on my own. The only thing keeping me there was Frankie. I was afraid for her. D.J. and Robin weren't happy about the pregnancy. She couldn't haul for them anymore. That was how I got in. I offered to make the run for her. D.J. agreed immediately because he needed to move the merchandise. Robin was harder to convince. She wanted to test me. She didn't buy me as big bad butch biker. Hell, some days, I didn't either," Liv explained.

"What happened?"

"D.J. and I were making route plans to Memphis through Knoxville. I told him I was fine. I would take one of the work trucks from Seabrook to haul the load. I drove one most of the time to the bar when I wasn't on my bike. He liked the idea. Robin just wanted to beat on me. She was angry that Frankie had chosen me, I guess," Olivia stated.

"Did she tell you that? Or, was it something she did? What was it about Robin?"

"She was just evil. She made her hatred of me known anytime I was near her. It was especially worse when Frankie was with me. She was down right nasty when she found out that Frankie was pregnant. D.J. seemed happy after a while. Robin never came around. She did everything that she could to discredit me with Frankie and with D.J."

"Do you think that she was jealous?" Huang asked.

"Extremely. I had everything that she wanted and didn't have. I had her former lover. I had her brother's ear. I had gained position in the gang quickly. Every test she gave me, I passed."

"You mean Julie passed."

"Yeah, well, Julie is me, right?"

"Do you think that is part of the reason Julie scares you?"

"How do you mean?" Olivia asked.

"You had to prove yourself constantly to Robin. Do you think that the constant pressure from Robin, coupled with the beatings, made Julie more prevalent in your psyche? Do you think that she became a coping mechanisms for you? She did things you didn't feel comfortable doing as Olivia the Detective, but she could do them as Julie the Biker," Huang examined.

"Yeah, I guess. That makes the most sense, but then again it doesn't. But, yeah, you're right. I am scare of her because she does things that I normally wouldn't as a way for me to cope."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because of what Alex told me last night," Liv answered.

"Which was?"

"She'd seen Julie before even though she didn't have a name for it."

"Can you elaborate of do you want her to when I talk with her?"

"She'll tell you the same thing I will, Huang."

"Which is?" George questioned.

"Julie cares for her as much as I do. She would do anything Alex asked her to do. She wouldn't need reason, just emotion. I think reasonably and Julie thinks emotionally. Alex knows that. She's told me she's seen it before."

"When?"

"During an interrogation or investigation, especially the ones with kids," Liv answered.

"So, you're saying that Julie has always been part of you."

"In a sense, yeah, she has."

"What happened during your op that caused Julie to become dominate?"

"I left because I was emotional. I did the op to hide from my emotions. Julie was my cover, but she became 'real' in Atlanta. She became everything I couldn't so we would be successful in the op. She took over and silenced the detective. She became the accomplice and she was damn good at it," Liv explained.

"She became the operative and your escape."

"Yeah, she did," Liv replied, shifting on the couch, "She responded to Frankie when I couldn't or wouldn't. She helped me survive."

"Care to explain that statement, Detective?" Huang asked.

"I went undercover for all the wrong reasons. I was running. I needed a real quick change. I didn't want to deal emotionally. I took the job to get out of New York. I didn't care what happened to me or if the case succeeded. I just wanted to get away from my pain."

"Because Elliot retired and Alex was back in the Congo?"

"Yes."

"So, Julie took over when Frankie came into the picture and Olivia took a break?"

"Essentially."

"And, not, Julie doesn't want to go away?"

"Exactly."

"But, why would she? You said so yourself that she has always been part of you. Now you want to bottle her back up and she is resisting. Does she know something that you are unwilling to share? What aren't you telling me, Olivia?"

"I don't know," Liv replied.

"Don't you, though? Why are you so scared of your emotions, Olivia? It is because of your upbringing? Are you afraid you'll do something horrendous because of your parents?

"Yes," Liv answered, quietly.

"Have you crossed that line?"

"No."

"But, you're afraid you could?"

"Yes," Liv replied, with the tears forming.

"Why now more so than the past?"

"Because of Alex"

"Why Alex?"

"Because she loves me back. She doesn't care about what happened in Atlanta. She loves me…she actually loves me. There is no question, no reasoning, just emotion with her. I could lose myself in her. Her love is so pure, a love I don't understand. I'm afraid to love that much. I'm afraid of what I'll become if I do," Liv stated

"Emotions are part of the human condition. Being afraid of them is like being afraid to breathe. It does no good," Huang responded.

"I know that, now."

"But, you are still scared?"

"I'm scared I'll get emotional and lose Alex," Liv stated.

"Is that rational to you?"

"Some how, yes."

"Why?"

"Because I waited so long to do anything so Alex would know how I felt. I'm afraid of losing her now that I have her. It would break me. I don't think that I would come back from that."

"You love her," Huang said.

"More than anything, except for Xander."

"That is understandable. But, does Julie feel the same way? For Xander, too?"

"She would die for them."

"And, you? Would you die for them? If you had to, would sacrifice yourself for them?"

"Of course," Liv answered, getting slightly agitated.

"So Julie is just as fiercely loyal as Olivia."

"We are one in the same."

"So you realize that you have to let both your emotions and reason rule your thoughts?"

"We are the same person. We are the same. We are me."

"Exactly, Olivia. She was part of you before you went undercover, but you kept her suppressed except when it was necessary. Your rational side needed a mental break. She stepped up. She isn't going to go quietly and I suspect that you don't want her to, either."

"No, I really don't."

"Why is that?"

"Because she is a monster in bed," Olivia replied, blushing.

"You mean during love making?"

"Yes," Liv answered sheepishly.

"There is nothing wrong with that."

Olivia stared at him. She wasn't sure if they had come up with some sort of break thru or if she had just admitted to Huang that she slept with Alex. Huang gave her a knowing smile and she wanted to shrink into the couch and become as small as she could.

"Do you think that next time we could talk about the case?"

"Yeah."

"Do you feel more comfortable with Julie, now?"

"Yeah, I do. I think that we can live as one person. We both want the same thing. We were both just going about getting it in different ways. I know now that if we work together as Olivia we are more likely to succeed in our endeavors."

"Does that mean that Julie will disappear?"

"I doubt it. She may actually teach me a thing or two. It might even help me with my cases."

"Have you thought about going back to New York, again?"

"Yes and no."

"Meaning?"

"I want to go back with Alex and Xander. I want to raise him properly. I don't think that I could be a detective and do that. I miss New York. I don't miss the crime, though. No offense, but this place is too slow," Liv told him.

"I understand that. Try Oklahoma. It's slower."

They both laughed. Huang was happy. Olivia was becoming the detective that he'd met years ago. She was regaining her emotional strength. She was realizing that Julie, her emotional side, was tied to her rational side and that is what made her a good detective. He realized that her brain created Julie for an escape. She was just to help Olivia deal with the emotional avalanche. Liv was still trying to be a detective and not admit that she was upset. She made Julie to help her to do that. She had someone to blame for her emotional state that way. The only problem was that something happened in Atlanta, something that Huang had to find out about to figure out what made Julie suppress the rational side for survival.

"We'll stop there today. I would like to talk to Alex, now. You could go to the canteen and get something if you want or just stay outside reading old magazines. I don't know how long this is going to take. I want you to be comfortable, though," he told her.

"That would be nice."

"What would?" Huang questioned, confused.

"Being comfortable, again."

"Thank you for coming, Alex. I know that it means a lot for Olivia, even if she doesn't admit it. She seems happier today. You wouldn't happen to know why would you?"

"I might, but I don't think that it is relevant to whatever it is that you want to discuss."

"Always the premier lawyer, I see. I guess you argued your case for Olivia and she saw the point you were making. She told me that you addressed Julie."

"I did."

"Did you think it wise to give that aspect of her personality gratification?"

"If you mean, did I think it prudent to address Julie as a separate side of Olivia? I did. It was the only way that Olivia as a whole would understand that I love her and that I am here for her. Julie needed to know that she could trust me as Olivia did. Olivia needed to know that Julie wasn't going to hurt me. I know that she is afraid of that."

"That was a very brave thing to do. Sometimes agents can't come back from their new personalities. It becomes a drug, a pleasurable experience. They can't be happy unless they are their alter personality. I am not sure that Olivia is happy either way. She wants to be whole and we have to figure out how to make that happen," Huang told her.

"I understand that. I agree with that. I just know that I can't do it for her. She has to make the decision and I have to support her. That is what I told her. I told her that I would support her no matter what. I love her, George. I am not going to leave her this time at the first sign of trouble. I am in this for the long haul. She knows this."

"That is good. For both of you. I know that you have a unique understanding to what she is going through. I am just wondering if you acknowledging Julie is the right thing to do."

"It is no worse than someone calling me 'Emily.' It was a part I played while I was in Wit Sec. Emily was me, but then again she wasn't. Julie is Olivia, but she isn't the detective. She is a coping mechanism that developed over time and was unleashed in Atlanta. We can't just bottle it back up and hope that Olivia be her old self again. I know that isn't going happen. She was trying too hard to do that and she nearly broke in two," Alex told him.

"So, you're telling me that Olivia gave Julie more precedence because she was trying to turn back into her old self again?"

"Yes, and of course, her emotional side rebelled. She has been suppressing her emotional side for so long because she thought it made her look weak. She needs to know that being emotional isn't weak that is a brave thing, a good thing, a respectable thing. She needs to be told that every day. Just like I tell her that I love her every morning, she needs to know that we all stand behind her and what she is doing to come home back to us," Alex told him.

"You are right. I just don't want Julie to become a permanent escape for her. She needs to learn to embrace that side of herself and realize that she isn't going to hurt anyone. She is afraid to be emotional beyond what she perceives is allowed."

"She is afraid of becoming her parents."

"Exactly," George agreed.

"But, she has us."

"We both know this. I think that Olivia is scare to believe it. She is so used to be on her own and dealing with things that way. She has to learn to trust others and believe that they aren't going to hurt her. I need her to tell me what happened between her and Robin. It is the only way that I can make a true assessment of what needs to be done for her mentally."

"Do you want me to stay? Do you think it will help? I don't want her to crack. I just want Olivia back. I want her to know that she doesn't have to be scared to be emotional with me."

"It might. Do you think that you will be able to handle it? I don't want you to get upset by what you might hear. I am sure that Olivia has done things that she isn't proud of. I am sure that some of it was illegal, but necessary for the case. Alex, I need you to not be a lawyer for her. I need you to be a friend, a confidant, and her lover. Alex, I need you not to be you for a while."

"I think I can handle that for Olivia. You must know, George, I would do anything for Olivia. She has done so much for me. I owe her. If she'll let me, I will do anything," Alex said.

"Olivia, you are making great progress. You are realizing that Julie is a part of you and that you don't have to be afraid of her. You are taking the courageous steps to merge with that side of yourself again. Alex wants to help you. She trusts you. I trust you. But do you trust yourself?" Huang asked, handing her a cup of coffee as she sat back on his couch next to Alex.

"I want to, but I'm not sure I can."

Alex reached over and took Olivia's hand. She gave it a squeeze. She watched Olivia's eyes darken and lighten just as quickly. Olivia nodded at Alex. Alex watched the emotions flow over Olivia.

"What do you want to know?" Olivia finally asked.

"You told me earlier about Robin. You told me that she was bane of your existence in Atlanta. What was specifically that made her the monster you went after?" George asked her.

"She threatened Frankie's child."

Alex gasped. Olivia's eyes darkened again. The raw emotion of her hatred for Robin showed on her face. Olivia stared at Alex. She turned to face Alex, needing her to ground her to present.

"D.J. and I were planning a trip. He needed to move the guns and quickly. He had gotten a tip that the Feds were on to him. He figured that someone in the gang had tipped them off for a price, but he figured it was on his end. He couldn't believe that his sister's butch bikers would do anything against him. He didn't think that we had it in us. He didn't want to believe it because all the bikers in the gang had been picked by himself and Robin."

"But, I thought that Robin hated you?" Alex stated.

"She didn't at first. I think that she had her sights on me. Besides her jealousy for the relationship that I had with Frankie, I think that she thought she should have rights to me. Most of the new recruits in the gang were former lovers of Robin. I was one of the few that didn't become one of her playthings. I wasn't selected by Robin. I was handpicked by D.J."

"D.J. selected you? What did you do that made him do that? How were you selected?"

"I walked into Dominique's one afternoon. I was dressed in a black wife beater, some nice black leather cowboy boots and black jeans. I was the perfect butch. Robin was perfectly salivating over me. I strutted in and acted like I owned the place. D.J. was dancing behind the bar. He decided to give me an offer."

"What kind of offer?" Huang asked.

"He gave me a new bike. It was beautiful. A matte bike Softail Harley Davidson, it would be a gift if I would ride for him. It was a test to see if I try. He was interested to see who I was. He wanted to know what I could do for him."

"So what did you do?"

"I called Russell and asked what I should do. He told me that I needed to get in. It didn't matter what I had to do. I had to prove myself to get in. I understood what I had to do, but I didn't know how far I would have to go. I didn't understand what it meant for me to be in the gang."

"Didn't you?"

"I thought I did. I thought that I would just have to traffick some drugs, move some weapons, nothing major. I didn't know everything that the gang was in to. I realized very quickly neither did the FBI."

"What did you do?"

"I called Ike. He didn't help me. He didn't know what to do. So, I called Sally."

"Sally?"

"She was my extreme contact. My emergency get the hell out contact. No one knew about her but Dana and Dana was the one that put us in contact. She was the one who taught me to ride. Sally told me that she would get with Dana. I would be given some sort of instruction from her directly. I didn't know what she meant. I was following orders."

"Did Sally contact you?"

"You could say that."

"That was how you got the boots?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, I had been in Atlanta for months and nothing. I went to all the right bars. I was seen with all the right women, but nothing until that day with D.J. Robin was watching me. I guess she couldn't believe that I had something that D.J. wanted and she couldn't get."

"But, Sally brought you the boots?"

"Yeah, two days later she shows up at the bar with these biker boots for me. They were half way broke in for me and she took me out. She knew that we couldn't talk in the bar. She had some new intel for me, some instructions for me and she told me to amp up my personality some more. I needed to make myself look better to the gang. I needed to put myself out there. I needed to take the job. If I got caught, they would make it look good and get me out. As long as I didn't kill anyone, I was to do whatever it took to make the case," Liv told them.

"What did he want you to do?"

"He wanted me to ride the motorcycle to a rally. I was to trade it for one that looked just like and come back. If I could do that without losing my helmet and head, then he would a job for me. He told me that the pay would have to better than that of a landscaper. I agreed."

"Where did you go?"

"I drove to Savannah. I met a guy there named Hector Rivera. He was a contact for the cartels in Colombia and Mexico. He was looking for a new road into the U.S. Atlanta was just his first stop. His shipments to Miami were being delayed and confiscated at the airport and port. He needed something more concrete. He wanted something harder for the DEA to track. He figured that a motorcycle gang of lesbians was perfect."

"How did that work?" Alex asked.

Olivia turned to face her. Huang watched the silent change in Olivia, noting how easily she slipped into Julie's persona. Alex held her gaze and waited.

"Two bikes just a like, fake plates and small hidden compartments. Most DEA agents are looking for cars with stash pockets. How many would be looking for bikes? It was too easy."

"You made the swap?"

"The next day. When I came back to bar that night, D.J. handed me an envelope of cash. Robin looked pissed. She was sure that I would fail. D.J. was very pleased with me. He offered me a job, full time, running for him. I was to drive to wherever and switch bikes. It was easy. Robin wasn't happy. She wanted me to do something harder."

"What stopped her?"

"D.J. at first, and then Frankie."

"How did Frankie stop her?"

"It was the first time that I met Frankie. It was cold, sometime in late January. I had been a mild winter to Southern standards. It was hot to me, more like early Fall in New York. She walked in the bar and smiled. I don't know if she saw the looks that Robin had been given me or not, but she came right up to me."

"Did that startle you?" Huang asked.

"A little," Olivia stated, staring into Alex's eyes, grounding herself.

"How so?"

"She walked right in and up to me. I didn't know who she was, but she had been watching me it seems for months. D.J. watched her as well. I don't know what he was looking for, but I am sure that he found it in her eyes. She nodded at me and he gave her some sort of response. She leaned in and kissed me. I was shocked, but managed to hold my own. I didn't make it look like I was. I was impressed with myself. D.J. watched her, and he watched me. I had been careful before that to not leave with a gang member. I knew that Frankie was in the gang. I had never done anything that would make her think that I would be interested in her. I would later find out that it was test."

"A test?" Huang asked, as he watched them. He realized that Olivia was confessing to Alex.

"I passed. I didn't crack under pressure. I actually took her on the dance floor and danced. I acted like it was planned. I made a point to be provocative about it. I wanted them to think that I wanted her, that I was willing to play their game, and that I would be ready for anything. I was, but only because I was cop. They didn't know that. They thought I was a natural."

"So your training helped you in the beginning?" Huang asked.

"It was just like going undercover for a quick sting with Elliot. It was easy. Now, I think it was too easy. I fell into step too easily. I couldn't believe how easy it was to be in the gang and run the drugs and guns. It was so damn easy. I didn't know that I would be so damn good at it. And, Frankie just made things so much more fun and easier. Robin was the only problem."

"You keep telling me that, but what did Robin do? What did she do to you? What did she do to Frankie? What did she do, Olivia?" Huang asked.

"She beat her," Olivia answered as the tears poured down her face.