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Esposito walked into holding and sat down across from the empty cell Ryan was sitting in and watched as he shifted slightly to acknowledge his presence but never looked up from the spot he was staring at on the floor. The air felt thick with tension yet neither spoke to try to break it. He hated it when Ryan looked vulnerable, and right now sitting in the corner of the large cell staring at the dirty concrete in his rumpled clothes he looked more than a little defenseless.

"I'm sorry," Esposito finally said. It sounded pathetic even to his own ears but it was all he could offer.

"No you're not," was the immediate response from the man slumped in the corner against the bars. His voice cracked with emotion and he sniffled once, the sound going straight to Esposito's heart. The room descended into silence again for several minutes until Ryan lifted his hands to his temples and rubbed gingerly. "What's been heard can never be unheard. I will always be a murderer, a thing to you. I'm not stupid, I know how this ends," he said in tired acceptance.

"You're not a thing, I just…"

"You don't need to explain Esposito, it's all just words at this point anyway. It was fun while it lasted and if we're being honest we both knew this would end badly. So am I getting charged with assaulting an officer or can I go?" he asked quietly.

Esposito sighed heavily, "I'm not pressing charges so you're free to go."

He stood up and after grabbing the wall to steady himself he walked to the edge of the cell, his eyes never leaving the floor. "Then let me out of here."

The door slid open and Ryan slid past him, careful to not make contact, to the elevator and tried to get it to shut quickly but Esposito still managed to catch it. When it opened on another floor a second later both men looked at the older man who entered and stared at the pair, "I was told I could find you both downstairs. I'm Captain Ramirez from Gangs, I need you both to come with me."

Esposito immediately stood straighter but Ryan just looked like he was approaching mental breakdown territory as he leaned against the wall with a quiet groan. They exited on the homicide floor oddly enough and walked to the Captain's office where he, Beckett, Castle, and another man were standing quietly. When they entered Esposito immediately walked over next to Beckett but Ryan just hovered by the door wearily. The unidentified man slid behind him and closed the door, forcing him to move away. "Mr. Ryan, have a seat."

Everyone knew it was not a request but a demand. Just wanting this to get over with so he could get the hell out of here he dropped down reluctantly and waited expectantly. The man leaned against the edge of the desk and crossed his arms, "I'm Special Agent Smith," he began and his eyes narrowed when Ryan snorted in disbelief. He continued speaking about how he read all the reports and statements and that they had been waiting for someone to come forward and now was the perfect opportunity for someone to go in and get the final evidence needed to bust the entire mob.

Ryan held up his hand, "Woah, woah, woah. Just stop right there. You want me to go in undercover… wearing a wire? Are ya fuckin' crazy? I mean God, I didn't give you enough already?"

Captain Ramirez stepped forward, "It's actually my idea, he's just here to sweeten the pot for you. Offer you some incentive."

"Really?" he bit out. "And what in the world could you offer me?"

"Witness protection," both men responded.

Esposito who had tried to stay silent the entire time finally blurted out, "You can't do that!"

Smith turned and faced him properly, his steely gaze picking him apart. "I'm told you have a personal relationship with him therefore your opinion is biased. It would be in your best interest to stay quiet Detective, this has nothing to do with you."

Ramirez caught Ryan's attention again and tried to convince him it was a good idea but Ryan wasn't having any of it. "There's no way in hell you're going to send me back in there then if, and that's a big if, I survive you'll just pack me up and drop me where ever you damn well please. I'm not leaving everything behind."

Done with playing Ramirez leaned forward, "You don't have anything here Quiet, everyone's dead. You have nothing except a, as I'm informed, volatile relationship with Detective Esposito. I'm giving you this against my better judgment, see I think you should rot in prison for the rest of your life but you got lucky with this bunch and signed your agreement before I could get to you. Take the deal Ryan before there are consequences to face."

Ryan's gaze hardened and he spoke in a low unfamiliar tone that sent a chill down Castle's spine, the writer had no doubt that they were no longer talking to Ryan but to Quiet. "Are you threatening me? I don't respond well to threats Captain."

"That's not what I heard, you seem to do whatever Conor says when he threatens you."

It was a low blow and everyone in the room knew it, Beckett's hand on Esposito the only thing keeping him in place. Ryan didn't rise to the bait however, just leaned back with an expression way too cocky for the current circumstances. "You think you know everything that goes on in that place? That you've got it all figured out? Since I'm feeling talkative today I'll let you in on a little secret, everything you know about us we know about you."

"Explain," Smith demanded with a frown.

Meeting Ramirez's eyes he grinned maliciously, "How's the wife Joseph, Amelia right? And the girls, twins I recall, Alicia and Celeste? You know Celeste really should have left and gone to college, got the hell away from here but she just couldn't since Alicia didn't get in with her. They do everything together."

"You son of a bitch!" he screamed before trying to attack him, only held back by Smith.

"How do you know all that?"

Ryan leaned forward, hands clenched around the edges of the chair. "We know everything. You think we would have survived this long if we were stupid? I know every single undercover officer you ever sent in there, I know every name of everyone monitoring the phones. That's why I can't go back in there. They know I snitched; I'll have a bullet in my brain before my foot can hit the hardwood. You don't just walk away from Conor, everybody knows that. He's going to hunt me down and I'm not going to make it easy on him by walking in the fucking front door. As soon as he gets wind that Danny Boy failed at putting me six feet under I'm as good as dead." Laughing bitterly he pointed to them all, "This is how you people try to get things done? You just send in down-on-their-luck people with no concern for their welfare? God, how many do you lose? You might as well just line us all up and open fire."

Smith tried to regain some semblance of control over the group, "We got off on the wrong foot…"

Ryan laughed humorlessly, "Really? Ya really think so? Sorry I didn't respond well to you trying to take advantage of me. I'm not the idiotic desperate low-life you usually deal with. I don't need you, you need me." With a final shake of his head he headed for the door and swung it open but not before meeting Ramirez's eyes, "You're an asshole that shouldn't even be a cop, let alone a Captain. You let your last informant die and didn't even try to do anything to save him because it'd blow everyone's cover. These are people Joseph, not pawns."

"And who found him out Quiet? If you knew why didn't you help him?" he sneered. "It was probably you who blew the whistle, no honor among thieves huh?"

It was like watching a train wreck, everyone wanted to look away but couldn't.

Ryan couldn't believe it, "You're really going there? Fine you want to know who ratted on him? Me. He came to me and actually told me he was the rat, like I was going to help him or something. He was crazy if he thought I was going down with him. You want to know what I did to the Judas? I busted his kneecaps so he couldn't leave and waited until Handsome got there to bring him to Conor. If memory serves I even said hi to you through the wire that was so fucking obvious it was insulting."

Ramirez smiled humorlessly, "So it's your fault he's dead."

"Sure, why not? I'll take the blame, not like it's anything new to me," he replied easily as he turned to leave. "By the way, your wife didn't get the boob job for you, she got it for Jacobs in robbery. You know, the one she's been screwing for the last eight months right under your nose."

Everyone could only stand in an uncomfortable silence until Esposito exited the office and jogged to the elevator that Ryan was standing in. "Where are you going?"

"It's no concern of yours Detective," he replied shortly.

He sighed heavily. "Kev, the things that I said…" he began as he reached out to touch him.

"Don't touch me and don't call me that!" he cried hysterically. "It's Ryan and just leave me alone. You've done enough." The doors slid open on ground level and without a backward glance he walked through the lobby and out onto the street. He wanted to go after him but knew it wouldn't be appreciated so he continued back up to homicide and intercepted Castle when he stepped out.

"Where's Ryan?" the writer instantly asked in concern.

"He left," he said in a firm tone. "Even though it's going to piss him off I have to find him. With him being on the top of the mob's most wanted list he's not safe out there alone."

"I'll get him," Castle offered. At Esposito's arched brow he shrugged, "I know you guys need some space right now so let me bring him to my place for tonight."

"Fine. Hurry though, I don't know where he's going to go since he lives with me."

Castle nodded and after waving goodbye to Beckett hurriedly entered the elevator and pressed the ground level button. He burst out of the precinct and glanced around hoping that Ryan hadn't gotten too far, his wish was granted as he spotted him at the end of the block just standing there with a lost expression. With quick steps he made his way over and when Ryan glanced over he smiled hesitantly, "Hey Ryan, I…"

He sighed heavily, "I know the drill, I can't be alone. Am I going home with you? You guys just pass me around when one of you gets sick of me, I'm the broken toy that nobody wants."

It was spoken so sadly and with so much acceptance that words for once failed the writer and he only nodded. Ryan moved closer and waited for him to lead the way and with a small pat to his shoulder from the larger man the pair walked towards Castle's car.

Beckett exited the room of men still standing uncomfortably and glanced at her partner as Castle left but before she could say anything an officer approached her and handed her a few disks. "Thanks Michelle."

"What's that?" Esposito asked.

She debated not telling him but he had a right to know. "It's some security footage that gangs got from the bar from a few years ago. I was going to watch some to try to put together a picture with everything Ryan gave us."

Esposito followed her into a side room and sat down while she slid the disk in, "I'll watch it with you."

Both watched quietly, people blurring across the screen with a slightly younger Ryan behind the bar. "That must be Ed," Beckett said as she slowed it down to real time.

The picture was a little blurry but they watched as Ed entered the bar obviously at night since the video was darker than before along with a few other men. Ryan came wandering into the screen a short time later and laughed at whatever Ed was saying. Everyone stood together for a while until people filtered out of the room and Ed clapped Ryan on the back happily before pulling him into a hug and walking away. It came out of nowhere but suddenly someone with a baseball bat came into view and slammed it into Ryan's back sending him sprawling.

"Jesus Christ," Esposito said in shock, sitting up more and staring at the screen in alarm.

Beckett grimaced and continued to watch as the person that they recognized as Conor hit him again in the arm before Ryan managed to grab the bat and try to pull it away. His grip must have slipped because Conor yanked it away and hit him over and over before finally just walking out of the picture leaving Ryan on the floor bleeding profusely and cradling his obviously broken arm. Esposito could only watch the time stamp as hours passed with him just lying there barely moving. Finally Ryan lifted himself up a bit and half-crawled half-drug himself off to the side and out of the screen.

Beckett glanced over and softly exclaimed, "You don't need to watch these."

"Yes I do," he said instantly.

After a few hours Beckett stopped the last one and stared in silence at Esposito who was laying back with his eyes closed. Over the course of the evening they had watched Ryan get beaten over and over by Conor, had watched cash change many hands but no drugs, and had witnessed Ryan and another man talking late at night while drinking and cleaning their guns. It was all circumstantial but now with Ryan's confession they could put together the entire picture.

"I can't believe what I said to him," he finally said.

"We all make mistakes Espo and I know Ryan's been through more than anyone should but he's not just a victim. Maybe it's not what you said but how you said it."

He could only nod and fighting against the heaviness in his limbs he stood, "I'm going home."

Ryan and Castle were on their way to Castle's apartment after stopping at Esposito's to grab his clothes and items, the ride mostly quiet. "Thanks for letting me stay with you Castle. It'll only be tonight then I'll leave."

"You don't have to, you can stay until you find a place. I really don't mind."

Ryan shook his head, "It's better if I just disappear, you guys don't need me fucking things up worse than I already have."

Finding he couldn't help but pry he cleared his throat, "So what happened between you and Espo earlier?"

"We both thought we knew each other, we found out we didn't."

Castle stayed quiet hoping for more and his patience was rewarded a few minutes later.

"We just come from different places, we're totally different people. He's successful and honest and a genuinely good person and I'm the complete opposite. I thought I could ignore it, change, move on or something but I can't. He deserves better and I was selfish to drag him down with me. I should have kicked him out of the bar the first time I saw him."

Castle glanced over and saw the disappointment on his face. "It's a romantic notion and no one blames you for wanting to escape your reality. As I listened to you talk today I didn't get a killer vibe from you and I'm pretty good at picking up on that. You're not a bad person Ryan, you've just done bad things."

Ryan snorted and crossed his arms, "Is there a difference?"

"Absolutely."

A few minutes later Ryan grabbed the door handle. "Stop the car." As soon as Castle pulled over he jerked open the door and vomited into the gutter. After a short time he leaned back in his seat with his eyes closed and closed the door.

"Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital for your concussion? That's a bad sign that you're getting sick," he asked in concern.

"Please no hospital." With one final concerned glance he pulled back onto the road and continued to his home.

Once there the two climbed from Castle's car and up to his apartment where after entering Ryan stood in the middle of the room with a frown and a duffel. Castle looked around, "I don't have an extra room but the couch is pretty comfy or you can sleep in my office."

Castle watched as Ryan walked over to the couch and set down his bag next to it. Sometimes it was hard to see the criminal in him, the dark side he hid extremely well. His eyes, which had seen more than any should, still held a certain innocence when they were opened wide and housed by his long lashes. His small stature also made him seem like less than a threat than he really was, the top of his spiked hair only came to Castle's nose.

Not wanting to make him uncomfortable he walked to the kitchen and began digging in the fridge for something for dinner. Out of the corner of his eye he watched Ryan take in his surroundings before dropping his head into his hands and shaking his head brokenly. Castle was only eleven years older than the other man but something about him caused his fatherly instincts to kick into high gear. "Bathroom's the second door down the hall if you want to brush your teeth."

He thanked him and grabbed his toothbrush before walking away and brushing the terrible taste out of his mouth. When he reappeared he began to walk to the couch but Castle stopped him. "Ryan, come here."

He switched directions and wandered over before sliding onto a bar stool. "Yeah?"

"Is fettuccine alfredo alright?" he asked, just trying to alleviate the thick silence.

He nodded, "Anything's great, thanks. You got anything to drink?"

Castle bit the inside of his cheek and turned, "Milk, water, and orange juice." Seeing Ryan's disbelieving expression he faced him fully, "Alexis will be home later and I'd prefer you sober. According to Esposito your temperament changes when you drink too much and he informed me you don't know when to stop."

Ryan couldn't even take offense to the fact he had just been called a violent drunk because it was true so he simply nodded and stared down at the counter, eventually laying his head on the cool marble surface. "She's a great kid."

"Yes she is," he replied proudly. "I have no idea who she takes after but thank God it wasn't me or her mother."

A small honest laugh finally sounded from Ryan and when Castle set down a bowl in front of him the two began to eat, both talking lightly about anything and everything. "Ryan I've been wondering something and this is probably going to sound callous but I'm going to ask anyway." At the other man's quirked eyebrow he continued. "I write about Kate and Esposito for my books and the cases we work on. Would it be alright to include you?"

"You want to make money off of my misery?" he asked bluntly.

Castle grimaced but before he could apologize Ryan shrugged, "Go ahead, I don't care. At least something good would come out of the disaster I call life. You know I was actually happy before I met Javi."

Startled at the change in topic the writer stayed silent waiting for more insight into the mobster's life. "Everything was simple and no it wasn't great but it wasn't too bad either. If I had just turned him away that very first day we both would have been happier."

"I disagree," Castle interrupted. "Everything might have been easier for both of you but not better in any way. Can you honestly say that you wish you had never met Esposito?"

"No," he said quietly. He ground the heels of his palms into his eyes. "Do you have something for my head? It's killing me."

Castle jumped up and handed him some pain killers, "I bet. After everything this evening I almost forgot about the red haired ogre attacking you."

Ryan smiled weakly, "It's easy to forget the little guy. It ok if I go ahead and lie down?"

An hour later Ryan was passed out on the couch and Castle was sitting in a chair quietly reading and keeping an eye on him. As an after thought he grabbed his cell from the table next to him and texted Esposito, even though they were on the rocks he knew he would be worried when Ryan never came home. The door opened and Castle held up a finger to his lips as he walked over to greet Alexis. "Hi honey, how was your date?"

"Great," she said distractedly. "Why is Kevin here?"

Castle glanced over at the small lump curled up on the couch before looking back at his daughter, "He and Esposito had a pretty bad fight today. A lot more happened too but now's not the time to talk about it."

She nodded and kissed her dad's cheek, "Ok, I'll see you in the morning." Castle left the room and Alexis clicked off the lights before walking over and adjusting the blanket over Ryan and softly whispering, "Sweet dreams Kevin."